Caption Competition Mk III

[MPN11]

Dave had a fit of the giggles while reading The Wisdom of Vladimir Putin

[Kiltrash]

Mr Princess Anne could not take seriously that his wife had to keep escorting her mums coffin..
( best Prepare Tower cell 6b...)

[Kiltrash]

Thinks.. well that should do it, now where's that Life Insurance policy claim form.

[Kiltrash]

Knew it was a mistake taking him to 'Loose Women ' now he cannot take me seriously ...

[622]

Ladies and Gentlemen, an announcement from your Captain ...this competition will be called tomorrow morning (UK)...thank you...

[Buster Hyman]

"Honey. I know the tickets were cheaper on Virgin Orbit, but why are you sitting like that?"
"You'll see..."

[Kiltrash]

Darling, didn't you hear the Captain say to prepare the cabin for landing, seats backs upright, tables stowed and window blinds open. ...
Thinks ....sheesh... he calls himself a frequent flyer.

[Kiltrash]

Her says....Did I leave the gas on....
Him says...we live in a all electric flat.

[Kiltrash]

In the old days we used to get free newspapers ....so he could pleasure himself with no one noticing.

[622]

As always, you have not dissapointed with your humour ....and glad to see that non PC ness is alive and well in this thread

..But there has to be a winner and it goes to NutLoose with:

Women in blue…

WTF does Alluhu Akbar mean?

Well done, the trophy should be waiting on the baggage carousel when you get there.....or maybe at another random airpoort depending on the baggage handlers!

[NutLoose]

Ohhh.. thank you very much, on with the next one and trying to keep it current.. ;)


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_15316aa72da72f146c99c9fa120751e3e6a07a92.png

[Wensleydale]

"You have just been mobilised, Private Putin. Here is your rifle."

[Chu Chu]

Keep your shirt on!

[Confusious]

I believe that this one is best suited you, it's rather warped.

[Confusious]

You can also use it as a seat. Please do test it out!

[Confusious]

It's very well balanced, unlike you Mr. P.

[cynicalint]

Is it good for breaking glass?

[Confusious]

Using your artificial intelligence, you can aim and shoot at the target projected onto the blackboard.

[treadigraph]

Put it under my chin and pull the trigger? I'll need one with a shorter barrel, I've only got little arms...

[Hydromet]

Put it under my chin and pull the trigger? I'll need one with a shorter barrel, I've only got little arms...

That's alright, Private Putin, we're about to have a short arm parade.

[MPN11]

Or alternatively, Mr. President, you could just lock the bathroom door.

[MPN11]

Please keep your finger outside the trigger guard. We don't want any more accidents!

[Confusious]

Yes, I like. How much discount for 300,000?

[treadigraph]

VP: What's my other option?

SS: Swan dive out of a sixth storey window...

VP: Hmmm, difficult decisions always were the privilege of rank...

[treadigraph]

That's alright, Private Putin, we're about to have a short arm parade.
Stand at ease!

I can't do both...

[Buster Hyman]

No. I have no idea what that is Comrade Putin.

[Buster Hyman]

Of course it's plastic. Just like my medals, it's for show. Makes us look tough.

[Buster Hyman]

In a War? No, useless. But they come in handy clubbing protestors...

[622]

Gen "And how many rounds do you need?"
VP "Depends on the number of posts in the latest Cap Com!"

[Buster Hyman]

*BANG!*....Oh, sorry Comrade. How ever did that round get in there?

[Confusious]

I had one of these as a child.

So what's changed?

[treadigraph]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_15316aa72da72f146c99c9fa120751e3e6a07a92.png

[treadigraph]

Thank you Comrade Shoigu, it's a lovely present. Er... what is it?

[622]

Yes Sir...you are just like Action Man.......(and thinks....Gripping hands but no brains!)

[Confusious]

What's the price?

I think it's on your head.

[treadigraph]

Sorry Vladimir Vladimirovich, you are Army Reserve and therefore conscripted. Here's your gun and ammo, uniforms are issued over there and the bus for Ukraine leaves in 40 minutes. Don't forget to collect your packed lunch...

[treadigraph]

But the UN loves me!

Not quite... you are UNloved...

[ACW599]

"I'm afraid we don't have any service revolvers left -- they've all been sent to Ukraine -- so this will have to do. Unfortunately we don't have any whisky either but we can do you a bottle of vodka".

[treadigraph]

Why are YOU telling me to top myself...?

We all drew lots.

Ah, so you lost!

No Comrade, I won!

[Confusious]

So Vlad, what I read about the psychology of a right handed person who wears their watch on their right hand must be true.

[Kiltrash]

These are to be issued to all school children, Mr President, we need to keep knife crime down.

[Kiltrash]

...the good news is that due to the dockers being on strike in Felixstowe, the shipment was returned to us. However our container of Rubber Dog **** must have been miss labeled

[Kiltrash]

Ah this reminds me of my days as the Stalingrad Sniper in '42 ....
But sir you don't look old enough...
Botox dear boy Botox

[Kiltrash]

When Laverov gets back from the UN, TELL him to come and see me ....

[Kiltrash]

Normally when one goes on holiday one gets a fridge magnet. But see what I picked up in a tourist shop in Iran...

[Kiltrash]

Good for 1500 yards you say,... oh Buster a couple of steps closer please

[NutLoose]

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_267aeb17e85e696b0228961645d744648bc438ec.png

[Confusious]

Ahh, good design comrade, when we win we'll be able to turn them upside down and show them the 'V'.

He thinks: The 'V' would be visible from the other side too.

[Confusious]

All parts recycled from redundant Boeings sir.

[Confusious]

If I may say, it's unusual not to see you 'staring down the barrel'.

[Big Pistons Forever]

What's it called General ?

It is the AN94, the best assault weapon in the world !

In that case I want it called the Putin 1000 !

[Dan Gerous]

Yes President, it is a great piece of Russian military equipment, but I'd rather have a squadron of Spitfire's.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Perfect ! Now lets go visit Navalny

[Big Pistons Forever]

This won't do my hands look too small when I hold it !

[Dan Gerous]

So let's see if Galileo correct and find out if two similar sized objects dropped from height hit the ground at the same time, when one is full of lead?

[Confusious]

I think these things may come in useful as a back up to the judo I'm teaching them all.

[j4leaphill]

Putin:-Excelllent now lets go back to that stall at the fair,i want that cuddly toy,this time i wont miss.!!!

[Confusious]

Do they fit above or below the wings comrade?

[MPN11]

Looks good … are you sure there are no foreign parts involved?

[Wensleydale]

Gun Firing...Gun Firing...Gun stops. Rounds in the chamber...shoot the instructor.

[Chu Chu]

Assault rifle? What did SALT have to do with rifles?

[treadigraph]

I heard you will make your new HQ in Croydon come our splendid victory throughout Europe. But you will need this...

[Confusious]

Comrade, your prosthetic hand appears to be stuck in a compromising position.

[Ascend Charlie]

Vlad: "Are the windows in my office bullet-proof?"

General: "Da, but if you fire the whole magazine at the centre, it will make a big enough hole for you to accidentally fall out of."

[NutLoose]

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_fd5b38e9d748b35243611070f6de10acc4eed796.png

[Chu Chu]

What are those two rods at the front?

That's your bipod, sir.

Don't you dare call me that!

[NutLoose]

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_3dafe387c0b2cdd2caa7c9d0d8204e808f2fbc74.png
Got to have a go ;)


Yes, we aim to roll it out as our standard army weapon but we are looking at a paired back version Boss

How paired back Sergei?

Well the sight is Swiss made, so we can’t get those any more, the bipod, rails, foresight and magazine are also American produced, so again we cannot get those, the barrels though are Russian, but unfortunately we use an exotic German steel, so those are unavailable to us, the stock and grips are produced in China and they are being funny about deliveries.

So basically you are telling me we just manufacture the receiver assembly Sergei?

Yes, that is 100% Russian boss, unfortunately we cannot get all the milling tools and machining equipment to manufacture them though, as they come from Japan.
But we do have hundreds of millions of Rounds for them in store, but ermmm…. They’re in Transnistria…

[Hydromet]

...following on from Nutty's 13508

"So, Sergei, the only thing we have plenty of is live targets?"

[Ascend Charlie]

"So this thing fires nuclear guided bullets that only hit Ukrainian targets? And they can't use it against Russian troops?"

"Da, mine leader, test it by putting it against your own head and pull the trigger!"

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

So it's still standard Russian military doctrine: "the one with the rifle shoots, the other man follows. When the first gets shot, the other... etc etc"?
Yes Mr Putin.
Good. Order the attack.

[Kiltrash]

So part one was successful, we repatriated 55 of our soldiers from Ukraine and all it cost us was 5 British Mercenaries. ...Sorry ...Fools...
So we can go ahead with part 2 ? ...
Yes they have all been brainwashed and we can reactivate them as sleeper agents with a supply off these. ...

[Kiltrash]

Why no silencer??
Oh Mr President ...the bullet is faster than the speed of sound, they are dead before they would hear the bang...

[Kiltrash]

Yes Mr President I picked this up at the trade fair in Texas. ...
Very good Sergio, but what is it??
It was clearly marked as a humain vermin exterminator. Seems to have kept their anti gun lobby quiet.

[Kiltrash]

Very good we have made 10000 of these in a month, now where are we going to get the men to use them??
I know i'll introduce conscription. ...
Better close the border to Georgia quick.

[Kiltrash]

Yes sir, at least with this at your side in the Putin Bunker, it will be more Faithfull than your Presidential Guard. ..
Then Whispers over shoulder to aide ....we did fill the clip with blanks

[Kiltrash]

We have had this returned from a Mr Charles Wales in London...
What's wrong with it??
Nothing he said, just has no need for it now, the Mama Grouse on the moors has flown the nest, whatever that means ?

[Confusious]

Ah, this must be the fast vibrate button. Mrs. P will need this soon.

[Confusious]

Sorry Vlad, I couldn't get you booked on a flight to Switzerland due to sanctions, but if terminal rumours are true then please accept this as a special gift from all your loyal comrades.

[Confusious]

It's loaded with blanks Oleg.
As you will be Sir, that is if you survive WW3.

[Chu Chu]

So this is the one that kills 30 fascists per second?

I’m not sure sir. And if you keep your finger off the trigger, we won’t find out.

[Kiltrash]

It's clearly a toy Mr President, so the Met won't interrupt your planned visit to London next week when you see Prince George...

[Kiltrash]

I have a contact in Peckham, he can get us 20000 of these KA48's. With No Income Tax nor VAT, No money back nor Guarantee...but at this price too good a oportunities to pass up.

[Kiltrash]

Guaranteed to hit the bulls eye at 200 yards, and if you don't we just move the target closer..

[622]

So General...tell me again how things are going in the Ukraine.

[Kiltrash]

Eye test Moscow style. None of this read a letter getting smaller. We just use a range of different size of Action Man

[Kiltrash]

Agent Truss returned this, in the end she did not need it to get her Armed Forces Cuts past the Chancellor

[Kiltrash]

Can't remember, am I presenting this to you or are you presenting this to me.....
Need a descission the World's press are waiting for us to show we are still in charge...

[Kiltrash]

It appears that James Bond was packing a piece, bigger than his Walter PPK. better update his Wikipedia page.

[Kiltrash]

So Mr President if Lyudmila Will not give you a divorce, you can have a accidental hunting accident. Remember no one will challenge you as the press all love everything you do and say.
..
Well done Captain, Sorry... First rank General

[MPN11]

It's made in Russia, of course ... #click#

[Confusious]

Make sure that comrade Kwarteng gets this quickly. He's our most senior spy and may need it soon.

[Dan Gerous]

And comrade, it's a 30 round mag, make it look like an accident.
https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_fd5b38e9d748b35243611070f6de10acc4eed796.png

[Confusious]

Vlad, there is one blank in the mag. You know the game we Russians play, off you go great leader.

[treadigraph]

And what does this lever do... oops.

[MPN11]

Very nice .., which button selects nuclear option?

[Confusious]

And what does this lever do... oops.
And there goes another general.

[treadigraph]

Cool! My Action Man has one of these. And a beret. And a mysterious scar on his cheek... I sleep with him you know.

[Confusious]

Pump action not working Yakov, send 'em back.

[Kiltrash]

...it's a request from the England Football Team fans, can we please arrange for a accident to befall a Mr Gareth Southgate as well.
in anticipation 😊

[Confusious]

This is an exact replica of what you'll be trusted with should you pass your basic training, which we unanimously doubt. Right, now leave the room soldier Putin..one two leg up...one two leg up.

[Kiltrash]

No no Mr President, like Bagpipes you blow in this end and run your fingers up and down the levers and buttons. Till you hit the right note...just let me get my ear defenders, health and safety you know for any loud noise above 90db....Oh and my Kevlar vest

[Confusious]

The instructions are in Chinese.

We'll, you're the first goon in here this week that has needed instructions Vlad, stand in front of the target over there and I'll demonstrate its simplistic effectiveness.

[Confusious]

https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1536x864/image_fd5b38e9d748b35243611070f6de10acc4eed796_42f481cb6dc97 512e60acfe405cdc248962d7d0b.png

[Kiltrash]

What do you mean the magazine only holds 30 rounds?? I have seen Sheen, Willis, Van Damm, Arnie ( cos I can't spell Swartzenoger) kill hundreds of baddies without reloading

[Confusious]

Ahh, I see you have two gold stars. I too was given them in school for being brightness student of the year you know.

I guess that everyone has their little moment Sir.

[NutLoose]

Ok last orders gentlepeople, scoring tomorrow hopefully.

[Confusious]

Ok last orders gentlepeople, scoring tomorrow hopefully.
Nutty's angling for a senior recruitment officer position back in the RAF - Ooops wrong thread!

[Confusious]

On the blackboard behind us you will see a very high tech toilet seat design. Your mission is to take it home along with this prototype of your new VPZZZZ and fully submerge it into the deep bowl of your newly adapted toilet. It will click into place. Next sit on the toilet and wait to see if the liquid activated switch sets off a quick fire emptying of the magazine.

We'll pop along tomorrow to see if the test worked out as we hoped for.

[Kiltrash]

Conspirators in the back ground...
Yes we think we have perfected the backwards firing mechanism, now where can we find some idiot to test it??, now that Hoskinski has pulled out with a migraine.

[Kiltrash]

Yes Mr President, it's ideal to sling across your bare torso when you go on a Safari with that Baer Grylls. I'm sure the pictures will be posted on Social Media
Can we wait till its a little warmer, I'm not as young as I like to pretend to be.

[Kiltrash]

...and finally
Oh General you shouldn't have, I thought everyone had forgotten my birthday. Oh what a surprise, how did you know it's my favourite colour and style...I would never have guessed what it was in that wrapping paper.
....and you kept the receipt ? How thougtfull

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Sorry, but strapping a General across the muzzle of this isn't the effect I was after. That little Korean prick has the right idea.

[Confusious]

Everything looking good for your peace talks with the UN today sir, maybe change your tie for a brighter colour, first impressions count.

[treadigraph]

It delivers my Covid booster and flu jab? Wow... what will our brilliant Soviet scientists think of next?

[Kiltrash]

While waiting for Nutty to.make his deliberation known I offer

Call this my little friend....

[NutLoose]

Last Last orders, sorry for the delay, blame Buster :p
no, sorry, really I got tied up with other things :*

[Big Pistons Forever]

Last Last orders, sorry for the delay, blame Buster :p
no, sorry, really I got tied up with other things :*

Sounds like something Putin would say.........

[Kiltrash]

Look General, on Friday I gave you my Last Presidential order, on Saturday I gave you my Last Last Presidential order, what are you waiting for, please don't make me give you my Last Last LAST Presidential Order on Sunday, or you'll have to answer to my Little Friend...

[treadigraph]

I'm looking for Nutloose, have you seen him anywhere?

[Chu Chu]

And you promise this will work when I shoot my way across the border?

[NutLoose]

And the winner is Confusious with

Comrade, your prosthetic hand appears to be stuck in a compromising position.

Runner up is Kiltrash with

Can't remember, am I presenting this to you or are you presenting this to me.....
Need a decision the World's press are waiting for us to show we are still in charge...

Third is Traffic was with

So it's still standard Russian military doctrine: "the one with the rifle shoots, the other man follows. When the first gets shot, the other... etc etc"?
Yes Mr Putin.
Good. Order the attack.

[Confusious]

Ta, Nutty.
Next offering will be published soon.

[Confusious]

Here we go:
https://cimg4.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x600/russian_army_funny_12_e2f7fffaa90eb2a0432bc5df6ae4b30765f4fe 79.jpg

[MPN11]

And this is how your career can progress, Comrade …

[treadigraph]

In the new-era Russia, evolution suffers a severe reversal...

[Kiltrash]

Sir Kier promised to sweep clean away the old Conservative Policies

[Kiltrash]

Full size chess pieces occasionally need a little prompting to move squares

[Wensleydale]

These ASLEF picket lines get everywhere!

[Kiltrash]

Harry gets a Quidich broom fitting, well you don't want a non secure seat for the high G turns....
(..Sorry Aviation content, i'll try harder next time ..)

[treadigraph]

Well, he did say "if you stick a broom up my @rse I'll sweep the floor as well"...

[Kiltrash]

In that QUEUE in London last week somtimes the mourners did not pay suitable respect towards HMTQ and had to encouraged to remember where they were

[Big Pistons Forever]

Russian boot camp where you learn to read no evil, see no evil, hear no evil, and smell no evil.

[Kiltrash]

Prince Charles days at Gordonstown school finally gets a proper documentary on the BBC. To dispelled unfounded myths that it was appalling to the students

[cavuman1]

The Ass Scent of Man

- Ed

[Kiltrash]

Owing to a outbreak of Covid at the recording studios, Strictly Come Dancing introduced the stand in Judges for the 17th Season

[Dan Gerous]

Guy with the red folder. As soon as you drop dead mate, those boots are mine.

[MPN11]

And through the next door is the Lada showroom …

[treadigraph]

...furthermore, owing to the lack of a clean sweep in our special operation, a new broom is required right at the very top.

[Zombywoof]

In spite of his efforts to protect himself, the sweeper was overcome by the flatulence of those before him.

[Ascend Charlie]

The Moscow Shakespeare Company in rehearsals:
Man 1: "My Horse! My Horse! All of Ukraine for a horse!"
Man 2 and 3: "Schitzki! We forgot the horse costume!"
Man 4: Ready to pick up the horseschitzki.

[Confusious]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x600/russian_army_funny_12_40ead0c062384989178e32d79dddb5191ce9a6 9f.jpg

[NutLoose]

And we award the order of Lenin to Triggerski for outstanding service to his broom and the streets of Moscow.

[cynicalint]

Reverse evolution of an Admin Officer...

[Kiltrash]

Trials are held for England's spine need a new sweeper at the back

[Kiltrash]

Russian Curling team.

[Kiltrash]

The school janitor joins in with the Leap Frog game in class 7c

[Kiltrash]

I think if only the left hand notice board had been full with its compliment of notices, all would be explained.

[Chu Chu]

Surely this book will tell me what to do when we have four men and only two windows.

[Hydromet]

The field tests for the new Boots, Russian, infantry, snow, in, for the use of were probably not going to go too well.

[treadigraph]

Remind me, are we playing chess?

No Comrade, drafts...

[Kiltrash]

In the Buckingham Palace Throne room the countries great and good await nonchalantly for their awards from the Queen King, however Charles implements cost cutting by using the State Sword to anoint all three at once.

[Kiltrash]

At the Court of Louis X1V Quasimodo is brought on so supply the entertainment

[Kiltrash]

Eamonn Andrews waits in line to spring the surprise on Sharkey-Ward who prepares to take part in a book signing session for his PPRuNe fans

[Wensleydale]

Delegates queue to speak at the Labour Party Conference.

[treadigraph]

Oh... apparently here in Russia, "lying in state" is a description of Putin's speeches, not like the British way of honouring a dead monarch. So we don't need to queue...

[622]

as boy bands go...they left a lot to be desired!

[Buster Hyman]

The first and last photo of the new comedy troupe, Monty Putin!

[NutLoose]

Friends, Romans, Communist's, we cut off their ears.

[treadigraph]

The first and last photo of the new comedy troupe, Monty Putin!
:)
Would that be Monty Putin's Lying Caucus?

[MPN11]

Yes, if you are very good we swap your sandals for proper shoes and boots

[Kiltrash]

Obviously a Lancaster tail gunner. ...i mean have YOU ever tried to sqeeze into his workplace. ...
Yes but the point of the broom??
Well we don't want to give him anything as dangerous as a 50 cal to point at Jerry...

[Kiltrash]

At the Labour Party Conference, A Tory MP tries to sneak in at the back

[Kiltrash]

In the mental health wards they clearly remove the beds due to health and safety concerns.

[Kiltrash]

...and finally...only for tonight before you all get too excited..😊

In the England dressing room Gareth Southgate tries on different disguises so he can later slip past the waiting reporters ..

[Dan Gerous]

You! The Bishop in the Kings square, move or stick to draughts.

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x600/russian_army_funny_12_40ead0c062384989178e32d79dddb5191ce9a6 9f.jpg

[Confusious]

A leaked photo in the Moscow Express showed the level of creativity shown by reservists to escape conscription.
______
Sorry, no more from me!

[treadigraph]

So, you put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, in, out, in out, let's get the **** out...

[treadigraph]

We'll try the Blackadder ploy. Fetch two pencils and a pair of underpants each...

[cavuman1]

When the suspended animation bomb went off, the gentleman in front was reading proctological instructions to the gas-masked individual, who was attempting to remove the broomstick from the ushanka-wearing victim who was standing behind the fellow carrying the suspended animation bomb and its instructions for detonation..

- Ed

[fitliker]

From raw recruit to landfill in five easy evolutionary steps .

[Kiltrash]

Staff from Clarence house, soon to be made redundant, are offered the chance to design tbe new Royal Cypher.

[NutLoose]

Well I've brought Corbyn's Labour manifesto, so I am sure to get Officer training.

[NutLoose]

It says here, we will hit them with gas and then sweep them from the field of battle, that's where you come in Number 4.

[NutLoose]

I have the list of the essential items we need to Crowdfund before going into Combat, it also says we must pay 20% of all funds recieved into the account of Sergei Shoigu to pay for our Mobilisation.

[NutLoose]

I see we are billeted in the Airmans accomodation, as there are no carpets that do not reach the walls, they have compromised and shortened the curtains instead.


..

[NutLoose]

I'm telling you, this floor ain't level

[Confusious]

Medals will be issued this evening.

[NutLoose]

It says here we are to report to a Captain Mainwaring

[NutLoose]

It looks like I am to join the army, you three are posted to SOXMIS(S)

[Buster Hyman]

Sergei. Are you sure these are the only candidates for Comrade General?

[Kiltrash]

The RSC auditions for Hamlet do lead to some wierdo's applying
or
New strict guildlines for RAF recruitment are to be vigorously followed ...No one will be excluded...

[treadigraph]

Your name will also go down in the book. What is it?

Don't tell him, Nutty!

[Stockportcounty]

All together now,

One step beyond.

[fitliker]

Arghh , you bastard Vivian , Now I cannot get that song out of my head .
Russian version of the Young ones

[Big Pistons Forever]

There is absolutely no evidence that the Russian Army recruiting standards have been reduced !

[Confusious]

As always, thanks all for some great chuckles.

Winner:
The Moscow Shakespeare Company in rehearsals:
Man 1: "My Horse! My Horse! All of Ukraine for a horse!"
Man 2 and 3: "Schitzki! We forgot the horse costume!"
Man 4: Ready to pick up the horseschitzki.

Second:
So, you put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, in, out, in out, let's get the **** out...

Third:
It looks like I am to join the army, you three are posted to SOXMIS(S)

Congratulations Ascend Charlie, over to you.

[Ascend Charlie]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1342x1094/screen_shot_2022_09_01_at_11_02_26_am_8ac7e3e9d3406bb93f39bf 60ac429ba155be6943.png
This will be a quick comp.

[Confusious]

Would you like a swig of my water for your throat sir.

[Big Pistons Forever]

The voice activated soldier

[Confusious]

Put some effort in soldier, you face looks like you're about to pop down the pub, not go to war.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Back in the day I would have called you a worthless arse wipe, now in the new kinder gentler army I have to yell encouragement so I will now say you are a absolutely positively the purest example of what all worthless arse wipes aspire to become !!!

[Big Pistons Forever]

Oh that's Kiltrash on the left, Nutty in the middle, and Buster providing encouragement on the right :p

[NutLoose]

Will someone please pull the bayonet out of my ARSE!!!

[cavuman1]

Jonathan Winters, in a state of shock, watches as Gomer Pyle is yelled at by Sargeant Carter.

- Ed

[NutLoose]

So you think you’re the bloody Golden shot do you Laddie.


​​​​​​…

[NutLoose]

It’s a pig sticker, not a bloody tooth picker.. Laddie

[NutLoose]

Do well at this Laddie and who knows, you may get your stripes when the next opportunity knocks

[NutLoose]

Stick it in the dummy and twist and Bob’s your uncle..

[NutLoose]

Will you run him through before he sticks you laddie, that’s the $64,000 question.

[NutLoose]

Life’s good in the military Laddiie, the higher you progress the greater your families fortunes.

[Buster Hyman]

Do I look like Paul Whitehouse now smart arse? Get down and give me 200!

[Buster Hyman]

You’ve got me to your left, Tubby up yer jetsy, and Gerry in front of you. What are you going to do?
The Pubs to the right innit?

[Ascend Charlie]

"Stick it in! Twist it! Pull it out!" says Sgt Wellbeloved.*




*Virgin Soldiers, old movie.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Screaming DI

Why do you have to be a white male ! How am I going to make my diversity targets now !

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Next in line: "Hang on a minute, the ad said I joined the Army after college to carry on with my passion - sport. In just three years, I've been skiing in France, bobsleighing in Austria and to the US where I competed against the US Army in long jump - and won. It was a good experience and great to bond with the lads. What's with the guns and all the shouting?"

[NutLoose]

And this one ain’t a bloody Bren.

[NutLoose]

It appears Iran are short of a few UAV instructors.

https://twitter.com/JayinKyiv/status/1574644341242462210

https://twitter.com/JayinKyiv/status/1574644341242462210

[treadigraph]

I SUPPOSE YOU'D RATHER BE PONCIN' AROUND DOIN' BLEEDIN' BALLET?

Well, yes Sarge...

All right then, off you go. NEXT!

[Kiltrash]

Look I used to be a Time Travelling Doctor, till I got drafted ....That's why I'm a bit grouchy

[Kiltrash]

Man on left....Boy the Sarge is taking stopping Queue jumpers seriously in London

[Kiltrash]

...and this time if you come back without my pickled onions you will be in real trouble laddie.

[Kiltrash]

I know you ( were ) a professional golfer so what's this stance and grip??

[Kiltrash]

Picture is released showing Prince Edward's 20 minutes in the Marines....before he ran home to Mummy.

[Kiltrash]

Scabs trying to get to work past the RMT Picket line ahead ..so ..Bayonets ON...

[Kiltrash]

Just think of them as German football fans trying to get at the peaceful, well beloved England fans and it's your job to protect our boys from the Hun. ...

[Kiltrash]

First Northumberland Regiment get ready to defend Hadrians wall from the Third Duns and Kelso Malitia....Oh Sarge look at these warrior in skirts....

[treadigraph]

Visitors to central Croydon receiving weapons training before shopping in the Whitgift Centre...

[treadigraph]

Sorry Sarge, yes you do suffer from halitosis...

[treadigraph]

Norah Batty's son was impervious to the Sergeant's mighty vocal chords as on a good day his mother was capable of projecting several dozen extra decibels when she was displeased. Which was most of the time.

[treadigraph]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1342x1094/screen_shot_2022_09_01_at_11_02_26_am_8ac7e3e9d3406bb93f39bf 60ac429ba155be6943.png

[Kiltrash]

The Bexhill-on-sea* home guard prepare to repel the Russian Asylum Seekers
* it was going to be Croydon, however that fair city / Town has enough problems anyhow.

[Kiltrash]

Nato forces are deployed to the Laars Checkpoint

[treadigraph]

Welcome to Luton...

[Confusious]

Polish your shoes soldier.

Clean your teeth sir, your breath stinks.

[MPN11]

I don"t care what you think. If i say you're part of the BAME quota, you will just get on with it, MISS!

[NutLoose]

I said the bolt Bernie, use the bolt...

[treadigraph]

Well think of someone you really hate then... apart from me.

[treadigraph]

Peebles, with bandy legs like those, you should be in the ruddy cavalry...

[NutLoose]

Listen 'ere Monkhouse, if you do not charge, I will charge you and it will be Outhouse duties Laddie!

[treadigraph]

DO YOU REALLY THINK I ENJOY SHOUTING AT YOU?

Yes Sarge...

BUGGER, I'VE BEEN RUMBLED...

[622]

I dont care if you signed up for a comedy film.......it's off to Ukraine for you Comrade!

[Buster Hyman]

Is this the ukraine thread private nutloose? Do i look like i care about iranian instructors?

[Kiltrash]

I know this a 1950's b&w low budget film but put your heart into it Ptv Guiness, never know David Lean might see it and pick you up. ...

[ShyTorque]

“You don’t like me shouting? Well, Monkhouse, exactly good do you think you’ll be with that rifle when I’m not there to shout “Up a bit, left a bit - FIRE!” ?

[Confusious]

Ooh matron, show me your best buttstroke.

[treadigraph]

At times like this, Captain Yossarian had fond memories of his USAAF squadron mates and even missed General Dreedle...

[Confusious]

There's the bastard who stole my book of jokes.

[Ascend Charlie]

"OK, Mister Lah-de- Dah Gunner Graham, show me what your Hewniversity Heducation is all about!"

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Next in line, puzzled: "That's odd. His mouth is moving and all that, but he's not making any noise."

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Don't forget to put your ping pong ball in his mouth as you go past Nobby. You might win a Teddy Bear.

[Ascend Charlie]

finger trouble...

[Ascend Charlie]

Special consolation prize to Big Pistons for:
Back in the day I would have called you a worthless arse wipe, now in the new kinder gentler army I have to yell encouragement so I will now say you are a absolutely positively the purest example of what all worthless arse wipes aspire to become !!!

But Cavuman gets the award today for:
Jonathan Winters, in a state of shock, watches as Gomer Pyle is yelled at by Sargeant Carter.

Get down and give me twenty.

[ShyTorque]

Perhaps it’s worth pointing out the actual origin of the photo for the benefit of our overseas cousins?

[Ascend Charlie]

Shy, please enlighten us, I have forgotted where I screen-shotted it from whence?

[NutLoose]

It's from the film" Carry on Sergeant"

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=carry+on+sergeant&t=newext&atb=v344-7&iar=images&iax=images&ia=images

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051453/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carry_On_Sergeant

[Confusious]

Shy, please enlighten us, I have forgotted where I screen-shotted it from whence?
https://www.comedy.co.uk/film/carry_on_sergeant/cast_crew/

[Buster Hyman]

My Uncle was a RSM with the Scots Guards and I actually have photos of him doing this to some Actors…might put it up one day.

[NutLoose]

Anyone noticed we now have a Likes received on posts etc on the left hand box under our names... Future update?? Don't bother looking you won't get any Buster :p

[Buster Hyman]

Not too concerned about likes, as long as I can keep reporting your posts, I can still enjoy Pprune! :ok:

[MPN11]

Internet Brands (same outfit) use it here >>> https://www.flyertalk.com/forum/trending.php