Caption Competition Mk III

[Kiltrash]

...and finally in tonight's news...
Police are looking for the prankster that smeared Superglue on the engine cowl. However there have already been several offers to help the ladies in distress out of their clothes and supply a ladder.

[622]

OK, time to let the ladies go....so the judging is as follows:

Some lovely, well thought humour on display...but taking it with typical smut and understated grace is:

Dan Gerous with:

Nah, I still prefer the washing machine.

Well done, and I will ask the ladies to drop the trophy off to you.

[treadigraph]

Sometimes the winning line stands head and shoulders above the rest (ie, I wish I'd thought of that one!) :ok:

[Kiltrash]

Early bird and worm. Etc
Well done Dan

[Dan Gerous]

Thanks 622.

I'm sure we can have some topical comments with this one

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x525/pprune_06_fe7d9abf733a6969bdb2065543027497774415e4.jpg

[MPN11]

“WAIT FOR MEEEEE … !!!”

[Ninthace]

I'm making tracks outta here!

[NutLoose]

The toilets are behind the hangar youuuuuu saaaaay..


​​​​​….

[NutLoose]

Come back with my Humveeeeee…

[NutLoose]

Phew made it to Bagram, soon I’ll be flying out on the evacuation flight.

[NutLoose]

Don’t worry, Biden says he’s got your back… Biden?…………..​​​​​…Biden WTF are you…?????

[treadigraph]

Oh wait, I forgot my pet hamster!

[treadigraph]

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x525/pprune_06_fe7d9abf733a6969bdb2065543027497774415e4.jpg

[NutLoose]

meanwhile back at Bagram….


All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin'
It's early morn
The C seventeens waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome
I could die
Oh babe, I’m really glad to go

So kiss my ass and smile for me
Tell me that you'll die for me
Hold the country like you never held before
'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when we’ll back again

There's so many times We’ve let you down
So many times We’ve played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When We come back, We’ll kiss your ring

So kiss my ass and smile for me
Tell me that you'll die for me
Hold the country like you never held before
'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when we’ll back again

Now the time has come for us to leave
So, One more time
Let us kiss your ring
Then close your eyes
And We’ll be on our way
Dream about the days to come
When We won't have to leave alone
About the times, We won't have to say
The Taliban won and were on our way

So kiss my ass and smile for me
Tell me that you'll die for me
Hold the country like you never held before
'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when we’ll back again

But, I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when We’ll be back again
Oh babe, I’m glad to go


..

[Wensleydale]

Sh*t happens when you mix up Zulu with Local.

[NutLoose]

This ain’t going to work, look ‘es ‘opping in a straight line, I understand destroying all records, but our hopscotch court was a step to far.

[Kiltrash]

Come for a Bank Holiday he said
To Camber Sands he said
Come as you are he said
Pity he forgot to check the tide tables

[Kiltrash]

At Fort Bragg this year's intake was not as popular as previous ones

[Kiltrash]

Sorry Pfc Zachar Zulu, Your names last on the list and we had to get the Generals Drinks Cabinet on the last flight. Pakistan's that a way ...

[Kiltrash]

Why always me??

[Kiltrash]

In a race against time Schultz drew the short straw, to get the ice creams back to the crew before they melted

[Kiltrash]

Should have joined the Air Force....then i would have been home in time for tea and medals

[NutLoose]

https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x525/image_cf983d42b2c1365004e858bb2164894ca1df11ef.jpeg

[Kiltrash]

Got kicked off to make room for some animals, he growled, I'm off to see the skipper...

[Kiltrash]

Tbe Taliban laid Landmines every Two Feet, So i'm only using one foot, Reasoned Corporal O'Shawnessey

[cynicalint]

The Taleban's nicked the departure hall!

[NutLoose]

Remember it’s hop skip and jump.

[NutLoose]

I don’t know what he’s running for, they shipped the NAAFI wagon out on the last Herc.

[NutLoose]

He says he’s forgot his porn stash.

[Buster Hyman]

Since when has the C17 used keys to start?

[Buster Hyman]

Realising that Nutty was flying, Hoskins decided to walk.

[NutLoose]

On the last flight out, Buster decided to stay with his mates.

[SASless]

"That Man.....where is his PT Belt? ".

[SASless]

The Bootnecks always short on budget had to improvise in Land Mine Detectors....and went ahead without the Snowshoes and Soccer Balls.

[NutLoose]

Airman, get off my gras…sand.

[NutLoose]

Bloody Sgt Majors, you’re not getting on my aircraft with hair that length, get it cut lad.

[SASless]

Carl wondered about that promise of a life of adventure and all those free loving Swedish Blonde nymphomaniacs behind every Palm Tree the Recruiter had promised him.

[Kiltrash]

Well that's the last time I vote Biden...
Ah well as a veteran will be lauded and supported in civi life and respected wherever I go...

[Kiltrash]

Appropriately names Sgt Faukes get the task to guard the gunpowder and light the fuse at the appointed time. ..

[Kiltrash]

Fearing this may be the last time they saw their comrade the rest to his troop had a bidding war for his iPhone 12....
other recent mobile phones are available

[Kiltrash]

Having been unable to prove he had been Double Jabbed Pfc Hoskins was sent back to the Government Approved Hotel.

[Buster Hyman]

Realising he was 4 points short of an upgrade, Hoskins raced off to find a 7/Eleven.

[cattletruck]

Dang, forgot to turn off the lights.

[treadigraph]

I'm not flying on that, it's full of cats and dogs and I've got my allergies to think of...

or

How come he's allowed 200 emotional support animals to travel with him and I can't bring my pet camel spider...

[NutLoose]

Having lined up for the final departure, Pvt Schultz is sent back to the tower to give take off clearance.



​​​​​​…

[NutLoose]

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x525/image_5469b52931d646d9d8a0207f3574007255f78a67.png

[MPN11]

“No, this way, General …”

(or SofS/Foreign Sec/PM)

[Kiltrash]

Having disagreed once to often with policy The Colonel goes to speak to the media...

[treadigraph]

My mother-in-law! Oh my God, I'll never hear the end of this...

[Dan Gerous]

On reflection, I'm not sure this was such a good pic to use in the capcom at this time, so I'm going to call it now and give it to Nutloose with Having lined up for the final departure, Pvt Schultz is sent back to the tower to give take off clearence.

Once Clarence has given clearance, he'll give Victor a vector to your location with the trophy.

[NutLoose]

Thanks, I’m surprised, ok see what you can do with these two.


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/976x664/_119956774_untitled_2_fdd00a098bb01471221b9fcbf40a04ab8b17ec e1.jpg

[Wensleydale]

..and the dispute was settled by the traditional silly hat stare off.

[Wensleydale]

If you are not a girl then why are you wearing a hijab?

[Buster Hyman]

No, I didn't shoot JR. Did you?

[Buster Hyman]

We're going house to house searching for whoever stole our Tea Cosy. Any thoughts?

[Buster Hyman]

But, can momentum be hidden to human eyes like how kinetic energy can be hidden as heat?

[Wensleydale]

The Taliban hadn't quite grasped how the Tinder Dating Ap worked.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Oh Yah well your mother wears combat boots !

[Ascend Charlie]

"All the wires on your suicide vest are WHITE! You gotta have some red and green wires so Bond knows which one to cut!"

[Chu Chu]

You were the one who said to shoot out the tire.

Okay, okay. But how was I supposed to know they had a spare?

[Kiltrash]

I dont see anything wrong with this picture, a nice family meeting in Bradford

[Kiltrash]

With a whip aerial I can reach the other side of the street

[Kiltrash]

Recently unemployed Drone operator gets a job with Google Street View....finds old habits hard to break when asks his manager for permission to fire.

[Kiltrash]

In Islington Arsenal latest performance is discussed by the man in the street...

[Kiltrash]

I see Team GB is being successful at the Paralympics... all due to our help....

[Kiltrash]

At Kabul Fashion Show the latest in must have accessories is shown off....pockets for your mobile phone and battery charger...just remove the AK 47 mag and detonators, only $100.... None of this local currency rubbish

[Kiltrash]

Man on left, well I am a local working for the CIA embedded as a spy in the Taliban, but how did you know??
Found your contact details in the Embassy grounds

[treadigraph]

Did you say "ex-leper"?

[treadigraph]

Have you been eating garlic? You have! I can smell it on your breath... urrggghhh!

[MPN11]

"Yes, Al-Delboy had run out of those helmets when I got there. Al-Roooney said they were expecting to get more stock soon."

[Kiltrash]

Spies? We don't need no spies to find out what the Devil Dog Westerners are up to. We just monitor PPRuNe. ...said Al-Buster to Al-Nutty

[treadigraph]

A UH-60? Yes, of course, they are all at my other store, Ali's Mil Surplus, on the Airport Road...

[Kiltrash]

I see Carrie Mathison has gone DEEP undercover Saul....

[Kiltrash]

Boy looking out the car window

Daaad see my Action Man sticks to the door mirror. .

[Ninthace]

The radio controlled man shaped drone is greeted with suspicion on the streets of Kabul. Could it be the aerial or the disembodied voice of Helen Mirren?

[MPN11]

“I see you still have a firm grip on your people-beating stick … isn’t there a pouch for it?”

[Kiltrash]

This one? Well we captured him in the control tower, sobbing his mates just flew off and left hin behind when all he said was " Cleared for Take Off "

[Kiltrash]

Well that's cleared the streets off riff-raff.


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/976x664/_119956774_untitled_2_fdd00a098bb01471221b9fcbf40a04ab8b17ec e1.jpg

[treadigraph]

You look a bit like Saddam Hussein... Guards!

[MPN11]

“OK, Abdukkah, now we’ve got this stuff to wear … what do we do with it?”

[Dan Gerous]

What do you look like!

[MPN11]

What do you look like! … and does my bomb look big in this?

[fitliker]

Why do you smell of elderberries ?

How long do we have to wear the underwear on our heads ? I think the fella who wore these green undies last , must of had the berry berry .

This menstrual cap is a bit big , it scares me to think where it has been .

[Kiltrash]

Well no Officee, my wife thinks
​​I have just gone, Fishing, Dog Walking, Bombing, Kerb Crawling. *
Delete as appropriate

[Kiltrash]

Yoda voice.....to Sleepy Joe.
Terrorists for looking are you, are these not. ..

[MPN11]

“No, I haven’t seen any dogs either. Where did they all go?”

[cavuman1]

Badges? We don' need no steenking badges!

- Ed

[MPN11]

Picked out a wife yet?
Yeah, several options in mind. A couple of good-looking goats and a schoolgirl that won’t have a school to go to.

[arf23]

Bit warmer than Hereford eh Jones?

[MPN11]

“You’re applying for training to be a Blackhawk pilot, Al-Hoskins?”

[Dan Gerous]

Guy on right, "Bad hair day"?


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/976x664/_119956774_untitled_2_fdd00a098bb01471221b9fcbf40a04ab8b17ec e1.jpg

[Dan Gerous]

We didn't get any American kit, but I've sent off for a utility belt and a Batman mask, and I'll be keeping Islamic law on the the streets of Ghazni in no time.

[Ascend Charlie]

"Did you just fart, or do you always smell like that?"

[NoHoverstop]

We are victorious, brother. The struggle of our generation that has brought us all together, regardless of tribal loyalties and ancient feuds, in order to fight side by side to defeat the foreign devils, is over. The last devil soldiers have just fled. So, did you spill my pint?

[Buster Hyman]

....IED?
Correct. My turn. I spy, with my little eye....

[Buster Hyman]

...and you got all that at Crazy Habib's going out of business sale? Cool.

[Wensleydale]

"Are you an interpreter?"

"Terribly sorry, old chap. Didn't understand a word that you said, what".

[Kiltrash]

So, what do we do now?

[MPN11]

So, what do we do now?
A. Follow local traditions and kill each other ... what tribe are you from?

[treadigraph]

Hey, do you know "It's a Long Way to Tipperary?" No? How about "The Colonel Bogey March"?

[cattletruck]

I'm looking for new recruits, can you bowl leg spin?

[Kiltrash]

Have you seen today's Washington Post ? In the Situation Vacant a call for people trained in ousting a superior force. Apply to Congress
or
The Americans are looking for mercenaries to take on ISIS-K. No experience needed as full training will be given

[MPN11]

"A Barber shop? What's that?"

[NutLoose]

Ok will call it tomorrow hopefully, have a heap of work to do, so if it slips a day it slips.

some excellent entries so far.

[Dan Gerous]

So that's it, no more music. It looks like Bryan Adams will be number one for eternity.


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/976x664/_119956774_untitled_2_fdd00a098bb01471221b9fcbf40a04ab8b17ec e1.jpg

[Dan Gerous]

Yeh, we had a victory party and got four and twenty virgins down from Inverness, but they beat the crap out of us.

[Kiltrash]

Well that's us unemployed now, so where's the dole office again.??

[Kiltrash]

Just had Bollywood on the phone, and They have Bruce Willis and Tom Cruise signed up to play us..

[Kiltrash]

Now that we are friends with the West against Isis-K what skills can we take to the Royal Military Tattoo in Edinburgh next year?

[Kiltrash]

Due to Covid 19, Army and Navy stores are closing down, everything must go. ....Buyer Collects
..

[Ninthace]

The contest for the smartest dressed, most military,Taliban draws to a thrilling conclusion as the finalists eye each other up.

[treadigraph]

"Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness"? Pah! Seventy two virgins led the big parade...

[Kiltrash]

Having been evacuated to London* the refugees discuss their options to sail across the Channel to a better life
* for London substitute with your own home town.

[Kiltrash]

Well no I got through Airport Security no problem
( well think the airport security scanner in the original ' Airplane ' movie )
But the bottle of water was another matter

[Kiltrash]

Night vision goggles? Hang no dont go out at night, don't you know there's a curfew??

[Kiltrash]

So remind me again, who won?

[Big Pistons Forever]

Yah Zahmai I am totally serious, BPF should absolutely win the CAPCOM !

[Ascend Charlie]

"So, the radius of your patrol is limited by the extension cord for your radio??"

[Buster Hyman]

Doth Mother know you wear-eth her drapes?

[Buster Hyman]

"Are you looking at my aerial?"
"No, are you looking at mine?"
"I can get Radio Kandahar!"
"Pfft! I can get Radio Islamabad!"

[Wensleydale]

"The Beatles? No - we are going more for the Amy Winehouse look".

[Cat3508]

You looking at me punk, you looking at me ?

[Dan Gerous]

No it wasn't that expensive at all, I get all my my gear at Walt Mart


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/976x664/_119956774_untitled_2_fdd00a098bb01471221b9fcbf40a04ab8b17ec e1.jpg

[treadigraph]

You say I look like Russell Brand, eh? Well you, my chubby friend, look like Jo effing Brand!

(Does that make them Brand of Brothers then...)

[Kiltrash]

Before you blew up the Electricity Sub Station who did you think was going to fix it now....it was only meant to be a threat...

[Kiltrash]

Why havn't we moved for 4 days?
Cause you lost the map for the minefield

[Kiltrash]

Tell the women their allowed back in the streets, and must walk 20 yards ahead of the men, well till we have found all the mines we laid.

[MPN11]

“OK, now did The Prophet say we drive on the left or the right? This is getting so complicated already.”

[MPN11]

L. “I’m thinking of getting an e-car, to cut pollution and save the Planet. What do you think?”

[MPN11]

L. “I’m just waiting and hoping to be picked up by a Blackhawk.”

R. “Be careful what you wish for, Mohammed.”

[NutLoose]

Ok, sorry for the delay, scores on the Taliban doors are as follows..

Winner

Chu Chu with excellent eyesight and a witty reply

You were the one who said to shoot out the tire.

Okay, okay. But how was I supposed to know they had a spare?

2nd
Ascend Charlie with

"All the wires on your suicide vest are WHITE! You gotta have some red and green wires so Bond knows which one to cut!"


3rd Dan Generous with

We didn't get any American kit, but I've sent off for a utility belt and a Batman mask, and I'll be keeping Islamic law on the the streets of Ghazni in no time.


Runner up MPN11 with

OK, now did The Prophet say we drive on the left or the right? This is getting so complicated already.”

[Chu Chu]

Thank you, Nutloose -- lots of good entries on that one.

I don't have anything topical lined up, so let's go with this:

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1000x633/radar_3_25f74406a93fd59e753966c7aad20361fff3aafe.jpg

[Buster Hyman]

"Well, I don't want to blow my own Trumpet but..."

[Hydromet]

"We're sorry, yourHighness, but the bandsmen can't play wearing masks, so if you'd just like to use your imagination..."

[fitliker]

Early Japanese chemtrail experimental weather modification machine and combination essential oil diffusers for larger garden parties , as used in a later Kate Bush videos .Imperial Inspection required to ensure the correct balance of flowery essential oils using the ceremonial dip stick sword combo to ensure the most excellent quality control of fragrances .

Early Mk 1 acoustic device found to be useful for acoustic location of persons with a fondness for beer and beans and or firing large caliber noisemakers .Accurate to within four kippers or a large tray of Sushi .

Well it sounded funny by the Spike Milligan voice in my head :)

[fitliker]

We had better Nip on before the Band starts that 1812 overture again .

[Kiltrash]

Fog clearing machine for Banzai Airport. ..obvious innit ...

[Kiltrash]

Having introduced this sport for the Olympics the Japanese expect to clear up on the medals ...as no one understands the rules.
Yes Sir but why mounted on wheels??
Paralimpic version...

[Kiltrash]

88 mm I asked for not 888... ( stutter )

[Kiltrash]

As the American aircraft drop their bombs we release the Devine Wind and it will blow the weapons back across the sea....gonna trial it in Hiroshima

[Kiltrash]

Well Mr Dibnah is not as young as he used to be so had to make the chimneys more disabled friendly

[Kiltrash]

We no Sir, Accidentally one of the operators lowered their horn, and detected strange squeeking noise from your house while you were away on maneuvers.

[NutLoose]

Ohh those, they do nothing, we built them because they keep the Greeen Party and that annoying Swedish brat off our backs, as they believe we are saving the planet by cleaning the atmosphere with them.

[NutLoose]

We intend to surround Afghanistan with them, then play Barry Manilow 24/7, we believe we should be able to flood 78% of the country with music.

[NutLoose]

Yes they are for blowing bubbles, unfortunately after the intial trials Michael Jackson is suing us.

[treadigraph]

This Honourable Japanese version of blunderbuss to shoot the sh!t out of enemy aircraft...

Ah so! Does it work?

So far we only accidentally shoot sh!t out of Base Commander's bedroom window - he velly angry and Mrs Base Commander madder than Lumplestiltskin!

[Wensleydale]

Early in the development of radar, Japan invented the "Travelling Wave Tuba".

[Ascend Charlie]

(This caption didn't work last time, so I'll try it again:)

With the internet still decades in the future, the first You-Tubas made their appearance.

[fitliker]

We shall use it to fart in the direction of the sons of hamsters and fathers who smell of elderberries .

We are perfecting it to disarm someone armed with a piece of fruit .

Any Monty Python reference is purely intentional as the Tuba like weapons have already mastered the theme song. The Liberty Bell by John Phillip Sousa .

[Dan Gerous]

And here we have the set for Kate Bush's "Cloudbusting" video.

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1000x633/radar_3_25f74406a93fd59e753966c7aad20361fff3aafe.jpg

[cattletruck]

Tuba-lar bells. How did you know I was a fan of Mike Oldfield?

[MPN11]

“Yes, these propaganda loudspeakers will show Goebels how it should be done!”

[fitliker]

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky Music should be played LOUD and for the visit of the New Ambassador, he will think he is on the battlefield of 1812 .

Early heavy metal enthusiasts gather for the launch of Motörhead’s first overseas concert . You can shout loud after a heavy metal concert but nobody will hear you !

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

We are expecting a Hospital ship to dock at any moment.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

It's why they call it the "Phoney War" sir. The operator shouts "Bang!" into the mouthpiece, and the machine does the rest.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

You will notice sir, that using superior Japanese technology, the dial goes to 11.

[cavuman1]

Wait 'til Mr. Methane gets his hands on this!

- Ed

[Kiltrash]

....but why the small white Terrier at the mouthpiece?
Likes to hear His Masters Voice, but is a bit Mutt and Jeff

[Kiltrash]

In case the radio link to our space station fails, however one way comms only, like that HMS Vigil...

[Kiltrash]

Well no, it's superior Japanese technology, We have reduced the 1000 meter telescope so can see out to the further reaches of the Universe. Saves all that messing about with the Shuttle, Mr Hubble.

[Kiltrash]

Land based Chemtrail dispenser, here's your tin foil hat sir

[Kiltrash]

No with this you'll never have another " Missed Call " sir

[Kiltrash]

We got these from the DPRK. Seems their Great Leader has no need for the " Multiple Suppositories Dispenser " any more. Once he found the blockage was President Trumps head up his backside

[Kiltrash]

Well done Jonesy, bringing along additional defences to Walmington-on-sea.
Yes Sir, they don't like it up them Sir..

[NutLoose]

We play the sound of canon fire through them, it scares the sh*t out of the enemy and the locals, it's also greener than using real artillery and cheaper too.

[NutLoose]

You've heard of the Fog of War yes? well those are the horns that produce it.

[NutLoose]

We've built them for Biden, we told him leaving Afghanistan was an error, he obviously couldn't hear that well.

[cavuman1]

Afghanistan's initial effort to build a Foghorn Leghorn robot proved to be a dismal failure, Ah say Dismal, Son!


https://cimg4.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/214x289/foghorn_leghorn_no_caption_d27990e7989ce532399bcbcf2e96e5fe7 95f7aa5.png


- Ed

[NutLoose]

https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1000x633/image_e1aba7ebe9ae78ec2dea49372e113fe2e31c15e0.jpeg

[MPN11]

"I hope I'm not seeing a flat tyre there ..."

[NutLoose]

Ok, moving on to the woodwind section.

[NutLoose]

We’ve been ordered to disable them to prevent them falling into the Talibans hands, but I think it will be more advantageous if we leave the bloody things as they are, that will screw them up no end.



​​​​​​…

[NutLoose]

No wonder the British Army are in the poo, News of the World’s secret reporter photographs the MOD blind procurement staff going about their business..

[Kiltrash]

Well we have sold these to the Home Fans End, so if the Away team get a penalty, it CAN affect the outcome.

[Kiltrash]

It can detect the slightest sound, like when the male returns at 3 am after ' just popping out for a pint of milk dear,' at 10pm
No Hoskins we already have one of these, called a wife...

[MPN11]

“Isn’t this a bit OTT for mosquito repellent dispensing?”

[ShyTorque]

"RIGHT, they've really asked for it - fetch me the Des O'Connor Greatest Hits LP!"

[cavuman1]

Oy! Mein skebeilgabatoums have been schprekenzied on this doingleheimer kerchechtkba!

- Ed

[Wensleydale]

We fit it to the Zero to allow it to run on E10 petrol.....

[fitliker]

Against all probability the improbability drive prototype disappeared on its first start up and was never seen again .

I do think Hiro had more of a commanding presence while wearing his Honourable British Uniform .

[cynicalint]

...And these trumpets suck the C02 out of the atmosphere, compress it to provide the pneumatic force to fire the adjacent artillery. A green solution which reduces the pollutants the guns used to push into the air and provides us with free propellants rather than buying powder.

[Kiltrash]

Ah, Mr Sony-San think the Boom Box could be just a tad more portable please

[Kiltrash]

When I asked for " Everything louder than everything else " I did think off something a bit more technological than just " bigger "

[Kiltrash]

When I asked for " Something to wake up Sleeping Beauty gently " I was thinking of Prince Charming

[Kiltrash]

What it this?
It's the latest in a Enema sir, none of this messing about with water, pipes and KY Jelly. Just scares the sh!t out of them. They dont even need to leave home for treatment

[Kiltrash]

It's for the Away Fans sir, to ensure the Home Fans are unable to drown out their National Anthem..

[Kiltrash]

With these we can clearly hear over the Border what the Chinese are Whispering About
However interpretaing " The Cow Jumped Over The Quick Brown Fox " Is proving difficult to crack.
https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1000x633/image_e1aba7ebe9ae78ec2dea49372e113fe2e31c15e0.jpeg

[cattletruck]

Emperor, we have solved the problem of pigeons pooping on your statue.

[cliver029]

So, we catch enough chem trail residue pass it to the Anti-Vaxxer's in time for their meeting with the flat earth people's. simples

[Kiltrash]

The Chinese Hypersonic wind tunnel shows promise
or
With this providing additional air over the deck of our new Carrier we don't have to mess about with getting up to ' Flying Speed '

Very good but where does the highly compressed gas come from?
Better you don't know that Hoskins-San but all I can say is you are on a strict diet of Rice and Beans,
( Think I'm a Celeb or Blazing Saddles)

[NutLoose]

Oh those, someone couldn't read a bloody drawing and mixed up feet with inches, they are our supposed to be our mobile urinals.

[treadigraph]

Oh and an American film director named Guggenheim asks if he and a Mr Page can come and do some recordings for a documentary they are making called "It Might Get Loud".

[Dan Gerous]

Turn it up to 11 and fire!!!

[ORAC]

For those that are interested - aircraft detection and tracking prior to radar….

https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/aircraft-detection-radar-1917-1940/

“The generals weren’t sure what Emperor Ming meant when he demanded ‘anti-flash equipment’ as used by the earthlings, but hoped their prototypes would be able to engage his inbound rocket ship”….

[Kiltrash]

Not wishing to boast but that is my mobile urinal. ...said Gulliver ..... off camera

[Kiltrash]

It's for the Bloodhound anti missle systems..
I don't see any defensive missiles...?
No we use real male Bloodhounds
What? How do you get them off the launch pad?
See those house bricks over there...

[NutLoose]

The troops were always complaining they hadn't got a pot to piss in, so I solved the problem and had these made up, the sweet thing is I managed to sort it so one could deduct the cost from their wages... what..

[NutLoose]

So the idea is we tow them around Kabul playing and the wall will fall.
But Kabul hasn't got a wall.

Bugger...

[Kiltrash]

What - What Watson - Watt, you think you can seriously improve on this??
Well yes, I have seen a better idea in John Paul Gaultiers Fashion collection ..

[Kiltrash]

....and over there is the half finished hull of the
Akagi , Females, for the use off.

[fitliker]

The accuracy can be improved by using the temperature compensating controls .The control dial indicators start at nippy and compensate all the way down to very nippily . Gleefully improved performance begins when both dial controls are moved simultaneously in synchronized manner accompanied by the instruction “ Come in Tokyo “

[cavuman1]

Dr. Seuss was thrilled when the Army ordered several additional Tubaloobaumpalumpa devices to augment their armamentarium.

- Ed

[Kiltrash]

I'd like to see Duracell power this beauty

other claimed hi power electrical storage devices are available.

[Kiltrash]

In the Royal Albert Hall the woodwind section muscle everyone else out of the way in readyness for the Last Night at tbe Proms.
We only have space for the triangle now

[Kiltrash]

If you think this is unwealdy wait till you see the case Hoskins keeps his confidence in..

[NutLoose]

When he heard we were having some WRAC's posted in, the Gynaecology Quack ordered them to peer up inside apparently.

[NutLoose]

https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1000x633/image_2df79093d9fa765e3aedf2828c545bc0d3c572fb.png

[NutLoose]

Ya, it vos a mix up at HQ, they heard zer Artillery ver getting zer Big Bertha's, so ordered zer milking machines for her.

[NutLoose]

Ya, You stuffen zer cow in zer top end and zer Bratwurst comes out zis end.

[EEngr]

There has been a mistake! We ordered munitions, not musicians.

[622]

"General, don't ask...please...just dont ask......"

[Kiltrash]

Sorry sir, but when you asked for ' Multiple Blow Jobs ' perhaps you need to be a bit more specific...

[Kiltrash]

There Mr Otto, we have sorted the ' Suck and Blow ' just need to perfect the ' Squeeze and Bang ' for your Cycle..
(Whispers ) " Whatever that is for "said Mr Datsun.

[Kiltrash]

The Chairman off Boots UK* goes to inspect his Research and Development Division for 'Disabled Aids '
Yes I'm quite happy with the walking sticks but perhaps the Hearing Aid section needs a bit more work.....
Researcher exclaimed

But Sir it is Mobile, look we put wheels on them
or
But this is the new improved Incontinence aid.

*Other Aid suppliers are available

[Kiltrash]

General... Yes very good but what is it??
Major... (Shocked ) Sir its the 'Multiple Tubas you asked for..
General... Tubas?? Clot I asked for Oboe's you know Oboe's, for aircraft navigation...

[Chu Chu]

Looks like things are slowing down, so I'll call this one later today (probably late evening UK time).

[Kiltrash]

Ah Mr Stevenson, you say this gives you an idea for your steam train exhaust?

[Kiltrash]

Right we all have our sticks? ok the Whack a Mole game is just over there, lets make some noise.

[Kiltrash]

... and finally...in local news tonight, the Great Organ from Blackpool Tower Ballroom gets a new lease of life in Japan...
Residents in Lancashire can finally get a goodnights sleep ...

[Kiltrash]

Sorry last one... Honest...
In San Francisco the Flower Power Movement (1969) find their gonna need bigger Tubers to stick in the muzzles of the visiting Soldiers weapons to promote Peace and Harmony

[Chu Chu]

Lots of great entries on this one, as usual.
.
Runners up are:
Traffic -- It's why they call it the "Phoney War" sir. The operator shouts "Bang!" into the mouthpiece, and the machine does the rest.
Nutloose -- Ok, moving on to the woodwind section.
MPN 11 – “Yes, these propaganda loudspeakers will show Goebels how it should be done!”

But for making a clever pun that taught me something at the same time, the CapCom trophy goes to -- (loud) fanfare please – Wensleydale for: Early in the development of radar, Japan invented the "Travelling Wave Tuba".

Take it away!

[Wensleydale]

Thank you Chu Ch.

https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1050x770/behind_the_scenes_zulu_1964_vintage_classic_film_07_ce015fe6 21418778c8d5916e4674a3059daa1d52.jpg

[Kiltrash]

My name is Michael Caine

[Kiltrash]

Look out the Pygmies are attacking with pointed sticks....retreat

[Kiltrash]

Wish they would invent Colour ....

[treadigraph]

That's it, I'm moving out of bloody Windsor...

[arf23]

Where's the bl00dy naan with my Deliveroo?

[andytug]

"Who threw that spear?" "Assegai!"

(with apologies to Max Boyce :) )

[treadigraph]

Hang on lads, I've got a great idea!

[treadigraph]

You were only supposed to blow the bloody Dorsets off!

[NutLoose]

I’ve just soiled myself.

[NutLoose]

How bloody embarrassing, saved by an engineer :p

[NutLoose]

Michael Caine stars in his first gay movie with the invisible man.

[NutLoose]

Wrong type of webbing Beagle.

[NutLoose]

Fall back to the C17.

[Kiltrash]

ALARM..it's Sid James and Hattie Jaques we are a serious movie...

[Kiltrash]

Could be worse,,,
Could be the Alamo
or
Could be Newcastle on a Friday night
or
Could be expecting Dominic Cummins at the Castle

[Kiltrash]

No Hoskins, when I said we attack 1830 Zulu I did not mean the time....

[Kiltrash]

" Zulu the movie " Sponsored by the Army Recruiting Office

[MPN11]

I. Am. NOT. Bloody. Welsh!

[John Eacott]

Wish they would invent Colour ....


https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/498x648/e382c2f5_d9e5_48d5_9eb9_80414c7602a9_a7f4d61cce6dcdc8ebd3262 2e85794a0d23bee84.jpeg

Medic!!!

In colour 🎥 🙊

[cynicalint]

Hurry up and invent the Royal Air Force!

[fitliker]

The Battle for Speakers corner in Hyde Park reaches a new level as the spear chuckers and machete wielding religious nutters battle for the soap boxes .

[fitliker]

The London commute seems to get enragingly slow some days , where is my bus !!!

[MPN11]

“Sod off … I AM vaccinated.”

[NutLoose]

MEGAAAANN……..

[NutLoose]

Fall back……….it’s that bloody third rate American actress coming towards us.

[NutLoose]

Stand two, stand one, and those in wheelchairs sit ready..

[NutLoose]

Four!!!!………

[cavuman1]

Can you hear me now?

- Ed