Caption Competition Mk III

[Dan Gerous]

After the next tory leadership campaign, we have, from L-R, the new leader, the new health spokesperson, and an aircraft chock.

[c52]

The future task of choosing just one winner is growing more difficult almost by the hour. Judgement Weds evg UK time.

[Kiltrash]

PM says, never thought it would be so difficult. 😂

As the Labour party gain points in the polls, The Prime Minister half surrenders.

[Chu Chu]

Despite high hopes, bicycle taxis prove ineffective at limiting airport carbon emissions.

[Wensleydale]

PM says, never thought it would be so difficult. 😂

As the Labour party gain points in the polls, The Prime Minister half surrenders.


And yet, opinion polls show that even without the wheels on, the Conservatives are pulling ahead again.

[Kiltrash]

Reporter.....Ah Prime Minister, as this is the launch event for your Governments Green Transport Policy, why have you not brought the Transport Minister.
BJ....We have a Transport Minister ?
RS....Yes he's the one in the 7lt Hummer stuck on the Westway.....

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Boris was excited at the invitation to ride the squadron bike. Boris was disappointed to find she was riding one too.

[treadigraph]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1012x566/ikikik_2_1f723b403b0b868e2520b6ef2b95e000416d3eda_5ec1af9412 e4dfa5287f7aa306f5a6f3e6edf543.jpg

[NutLoose]

Come on guys, I’ve been on this damned saddle for 3 minutes, I think my eggs are done.

[NutLoose]

It’s a bike Boris, not a rodeo horse.

[treadigraph]

The new Briefing Centre at 10 Downing Street was something of an interesting concept...

[NutLoose]

Bogie at 6 o’clock

[NutLoose]

And a wave to Donald Trump, thanks for the tie.

[ivor toolbox]

"Government debuts new portable charging appliances for electric jet"

Ttfn

[Wensleydale]

Whatever you do Boris...Don't shout "Taxi" again!!!

[treadigraph]

Rishi: Chocks away!

Boris: Ice chocs? Lovely, mmmm....

[Kiltrash]

Mrs PM is accused of overspending on the redecoration of the flat in No10
Boris is surprised to find he has a government flat. Always wondered where that stair went...

[Kiltrash]

GCHQ eves drop on the Bae Pilots calling home to explain why they will be late home. " Some tw@t 's have parked their mobility scooters in our space. "

[Kiltrash]

Greta joins Rishi and Boris to promote Green Energy. But she's only on a flying visit.

[NutLoose]

Pm promises extra protection for lone women

[Chu Chu]

The Great Leader's sister warns Joe Baiden (front row on right) not to make a stink, but the message only arrives after the competition is over.

[Kiltrash]

Advert in the Times.
" Lone female seeks partner for fun days out, must have sense of humour and well paid job.
No time wasters. "

[treadigraph]

Defence cut backs to effect the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team, The Red Arrows. The Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer demonstrate how the team will be formed in 2022...

[Kiltrash]

PM ...and in a previous life I was a RAC Motorcycle Patrol Man. Rishi, would you seriously want that man fix your car?

[Dan Gerous]

Can someone bring me some quadratic equations and a book of Greek lyric poetry. All this physical stuff is too hard.


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1012x566/ikikik_2_1f723b403b0b868e2520b6ef2b95e000416d3eda_5ec1af9412 e4dfa5287f7aa306f5a6f3e6edf543.jpg

[treadigraph]

We've been riding now for, erm, erm, well, gosh! several minutes. I make it beer O'clock! Garçon!

[NutLoose]

From Pel"et"on to Bell"et"on

[Kiltrash]

Check the regulations, your meant to be exercising singularly outside during Lockdown...Unless your in a household Bubble ..
( as usual one law for us, no law for them...)

[Kiltrash]

Reporter. .." Prime Minister, how many Census 2021 households were you registered in on the 21st?..."
I'll put that down as five then....

[Kiltrash]

The Sun headline

" Shock.Horror, Sooty is spotted naked while greeting the Queen at Northolt. "

[Ascend Charlie]

Boris calls a halt to the caption competition as he is getting a sore @rse.

[c52]

Alas, no one came up with the PM’s favourite word, or even a Latin quote. Nevertheless the standard is high indeed, as seen from the large number of commended captions. But before we get to everyone’s creativity, here are my entries:

PM: “You know, the great thing about riding a static bike is that there’s no need to look where you’re going, or be aware of what’s behind, or to maintain a tight grip. Just like being PM, in fact.”

or

PM: “They say a week is a long time in politics. They should try riding one of these for five minutes.”



Short list – warm congratulations to all of these



Cattletruck: It's the new green 146 prototype that runs on electricity, hot air, and methane gas. Just a few more billion pounds and it will get off the ground.



Kiltrash: During the stop over the electric plane is refuelled



Well two of the three did not see the 'Lycra ' Memo......Thank God



Cabinet office suggest the PM takes part in a 24 hour Charity cycling event to show he is a man of the People.
Anything to stop him attending the daily Covid Press Conference and putting his foot in it...

Team Sky Doctor refuses to name who he got the Testosterone for. The PM appears to know more than he is saying.


Wensleydale: More Government Spin?

And yet, opinion polls show that even without the wheels on, the Conservatives are pulling ahead again.



Treadigraph Boris: "Are you sure this is sustainable energy? I'm whacked!"



If you think this looks funny, Jacob Rees Mogg will be along shortly with his penny-farthing exercise bike...



We've been riding now for, erm, erm, well, gosh! several minutes. I make it beer O'clock! Garçon!



Chu Chu: BAE asks HMG for help peddling its products.



Members of the government demonstrate their climate commitment by forgoing ground transportation when they fly overseas to exercise.



Nutloose: Portly, no longer cost effective, ageing and surplus to requirements, but enough of the PM, let's talk about the Bae146.

Bogie at 6 o’clock



Dan Gerous: Can someone bring me some quadratic equations and a book of Greek lyric poetry. All this physical stuff is too hard.

But for a clever pun I am happy to award this week's CST to a newcomer, I believe:

Cynicalint: No PM, that's the left wing you've attached to, your new voters expect you to recognise this side!

The award is on its way to you, conveyed by static bicycle. It you're lucky it'll be loaded onto a BAe 146. Otherwise it will travel at the speed of a political promise.

[cynicalint]

Thank you c52
Not expected, and not quite a newcomer! I last won in July 2012, so not a regular captioner!
Need time to gather thoughts and will post a new picture soonest....

[cynicalint]

The only link to Aviation is the accusations flying around, but plenty of scope for comments!

https://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/634x875/4f5ea37f00000578_0_image_a_63_1535148794235_cff335d42ce39237 3b0b0149b413570026053afc.jpg

[Ascend Charlie]

Whoever-this-is shows what the lead weight in his sporran is holding down.

[Hydromet]

Private Jock Strapp learns that after 40 years service, he is to be promoted to Lance Corporal.

[Buster Hyman]

Braveheart auditions were somewhat underwhelming.

[Buster Hyman]

He’s just heard someone in the audience comment on his fanny pack.

[treadigraph]

...and for those of you wondering why I have a beaver on the front of my kilt, yes I am transitioning.

[treadigraph]

The hat? Aye, I've been offered the part of JR Ewing in the remake of Dallas which, for those too young to remember, is a television soap opera about an independent oil producer struggling to survive in the modern world. Wee Jimmy Krankie will be playin' ma estranged wife, Sue Ellen, who has something of a drink problem...

[Buster Hyman]

Ernest Borgnine makes a come back???? :ooh:

[Wensleydale]

Leaving court after being acquitted of sexual assault charges, Alex Salmond spots a female reporter waiting outside.

[Ascend Charlie]

Buster, my first thought too was a shot of a very young Ernest Borgnine, even before McHale's Navy days - though McHale, being a good Scot, might have worn a kilt?

[Kiltrash]

Having inherited Sean's wardrobe, Alex thought well if it's good enough for Bond to pull the girls..

[Kiltrash]

There's nothing worn under the kilt it's all in perfect working order, come here Nicola I'll show you.

[Kiltrash]

On Scotty's day off is glad to dispose of the red shirt...Dunno about the Klingons but it scares the sh!t out of me..when we was invited to the Captains table.

[Kiltrash]

You try this on a bike....Nicola!!

[Kiltrash]

Oh, when you asked " Was I cumming out " did not realise you meant for a drink...
or
Well it was this or admitting I am a Hearts fan..

[Kiltrash]

Look, what I do behind my front door is mine alone

[Wensleydale]

Some photographs taken at Michael Barrymore's pool party have come to light.....

[ShyTorque]

“Cowboy I might be, but still better than the clown you’ve already got running Scotland!”

[Kiltrash]

Kiltrash? Kiltrash, I'll show you some effin KILTRASH...

[Kiltrash]

Well get me in the Female only compartment on the train.

[Kiltrash]

At the Scottish Parliament Building, they have to quickly rearrange the modesty boards on the desks

[Buster Hyman]

Village People auditions get under way.

[treadigraph]

https://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/634x875/4f5ea37f00000578_0_image_a_63_1535148794235_cff335d42ce39237 3b0b0149b413570026053afc.jpg

I've just come down
From the Isle of Skye
I'm not very big and I'm awful shy
And the lassies shout when I go by
Alex, where's your troosers...

(Andy Stewart, all is not forgiven!)

[NutLoose]

And after that demonstration of tossing the caber, please welcome a tosser on stage.

[622]

"..And next we see the new RAF Payroll department* tartan.....easily identifiable by the small checks..."

*Insert any company payroll as required!

[Kiltrash]

Alex was not impressed when he saw what Madam Tussauds had modelled him on...

[Kiltrash]

" Got out of bed the wrong side?....again...

[Kiltrash]

Well if my wife can wear the trousers in our relationship.

[Kiltrash]

Right which of you barstewards stole me Dirk...

[Non Linear Gear]

I can take a 84 mm mortar as well. :E

[NutLoose]

Anyone smell fish?

[NutLoose]

I believe it's the RT Alex Salmond Show, I was reliably informed the RT stood for Right Tw*t.

[NutLoose]

I believe he is indicating he practices safe sex these days and has just been for a five fingered shuffle.

[NutLoose]

I heard ever since he lost his Gordon seat, he has been looking for another Gordon to sit on.

[NutLoose]

He's tight as a ducks arse and walks like it too.

[cavuman1]

Braveheart meets McHale's Navy in the new smash hit: Brave Gravy!

- Ed

[cavuman1]

Urged on by her grinning Consort, the slightly tipsy Queen swung the Jeroboam of scotch-flavored champagne toward the man's pubic region as she intoned: "I christen thee Sporry McSporran Face...."

- Ed

[Non Linear Gear]

Jock McPlops Matter.

[Kiltrash]

In the Royal Mile, the Tourist Trap gift shops charge £300 for the full regalia. McPrimark yours for £49.99.

[Kiltrash]

During a spot of Diversity training for Mr Salmond. He is sent to live as a woman for 2 weeks.
Months later it was discovered he enjoyed it so much he kept signing up for the course .
.

[Kiltrash]

The fancy dress party was cancelled due to the Landlords Funeral.
That'll teach Alex buying a answer machine from Del Boy.

[treadigraph]

Aye, if she can break the Ministerial Code, then I can break the dress code - and do ye ken why ma shoes are so shiney?

[NutLoose]

https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/634x875/image_83dbcb25ea3e4bb27b06c542c86b6f408e849b96.jpeg

[NutLoose]

The three we balls on ma sporran, there ma porn balls.

[NutLoose]

Och it’s bravefart.

[Hydromet]

Noo, nothing's worn under the kilt...but it's been used a lot.

[Kiltrash]

Them Baws on my Sporran? Ther' the Baws o' the last two English Prime Ministers

[Kiltrash]

On a visit to New York, Alex was attracted to the Metro Exhaust Gratings on 5th Avenue.... several times.

[Kiltrash]

Going down Leith Docks, hear there's a Russian Trawler due in, been at sea 12 weeks.

[Kiltrash]

Later regretted being invited to a Epstein party with his golfing chum Andrew.

[Wensleydale]

More shocks are expected as a trailer for the new series of Line of Duty is released.....

[treadigraph]

Well, Billy's sadly pretty much retired so I thought I'd step in tae his shoes and show the world ma sense of humour... Now... Billy's bin teachin' me how tae f***ing swaer...

[Dan Gerous]

Ah went doon tae Lundun Toon,
Ah went on yon undergroond
Ah had a fart and blew it apart,
Am Alex, ah've nae troosers.



https://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/634x875/4f5ea37f00000578_0_image_a_63_1535148794235_cff335d42ce39237 3b0b0149b413570026053afc.jpg

[Buster Hyman]

Malcolm Fraser: “Pfffft! Hold my beer...”

[Kiltrash]

Having been invited by Posh Spice to take part in the London Fashion week, Alex was most pleased what with all these size zero models. All went well till the Metropolitan Police mistook him for a member of the Tartan Army and arrested him before he had the opportunity to jump in Trafalgar Sq Fountains.

(been there seen it done it... well the second part anyhow )

[Kiltrash]

Alex was pleased with himself having got the Kilt Pin through Airport Security

( After 9/11 we were not allowed Kilt Pins which are a vital part of the Tartan Army Dress Code. At Security we would have to remove them and store in hold luggage or post them back to our houses.) .

[Dan Gerous]

At Glasgow fashion week, Alex spots Nicola in the audience and greets her with the traditional "Get it right up yay"!

[Dan Gerous]

At the Kerr clan gathering, Alex gives the traditional salute to the clan chief, Wayne.

[Dan Gerous]

Alex was to tight to even give Nicola the finger.

[Wensleydale]

The Scottish Nationalists deny a cowboy approach to independence.

[B-767 fan]

"Oh-we-oh, Ho Chi Minh. Oh look, you've landed in Saigon....Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail, follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail..."
oh its the wicked witch of the north Hanoi Hannah!

[Kiltrash]

Well in the North West Frontier, the insurgents used to run away from the Warriors in Skirts. Thought I would try it at Holyrood

[cynicalint]

Calling tomorrow evening..,.

[Wensleydale]

And in the competition to see who actually wears the trousers in the SNP....

[Kiltrash]

Call me Alexandria, as her subterfuge in court to garner sympathy, in the domestic violence case.

[Kiltrash]

Well I would buy a Used Car from him..

[Kiltrash]

On a visit to Scotland, Jacobs-Rees-Mog no longer stood out from the crowd

[NutLoose]

SNP... Small Nuts and Penis

[NutLoose]

Hi I’m Dirk Dangler the female wrangler

[Buster Hyman]

There was a wee cowboy from Inverness
Who fancied he’d like to wear a dress
He went to a Tailor
Who said “Hello Sailor,
Is that little thing from Loch Ness?”

[Dan Gerous]

Alex spots Buster in the audience, "Hey you, Buster! It's no a dress, it's a skirt"!

[Kiltrash]

The judge later accepted a plea of Diminished Responsibility

[Kiltrash]

At the University graduation dance the theme was Vicars and Tarts. Alex could not descide which way to swing.

[NutLoose]

I canna wear me tights in this rig.

[treadigraph]

Wee Eck auditions for Britain Scotland's Got Talent with his Star Trek impressions:

"She cannae take any more, Cap'n! She's gonnae blow!"

[Kiltrash]

Ah made ma Sporran fra Beaver pelts...

[Kiltrash]

Nae I'm no Phil McCavity or Ben Doon.

[Kiltrash]

....and tonight on Celebrity Come Dancing we have Breveheart whose Catchphrase of " They'll Never Take Our Freedom " was adopted by the Scottish population . The only country that voted against Independence.

[NutLoose]

Quacking? Ahh that’ll be ma ass cheeks, I’m as tight as a ducks........

[cynicalint]

In third place,
Shytorque with:-
“Cowboy I might be, but still better than the clown you’ve already got running Scotland!”

second
Ascend Charile with:-
Whoever-this-is shows what the lead weight in his sporran is holding down.

But the cowboy setting off down the runway is first place is;-
Treadigraph with;-
Aye, if she can break the Ministerial Code, then I can break the dress code - and do ye ken why ma shoes are so shiney?

The Trophy is in a sporran on the runway if you care to go closely enough to retrieve it!

[treadigraph]

Thank you Cynicalint, very kind, that's knocked me right off kilter!

I think this may be topical still - I had thought of using a similar image of David Cameron but I wasn't sure anyone would remember who he is...

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/telemmglpict000253765741_trans_nvbqzqnjv4bqyulffzxshugqnr8zp ddwxituh73_1iaibaonvuinpkg_ea0a642b2acdc8942ea0e09a064175ed4 df5dabb.jpeg

[Longhitter]

There, all done! And I won't tell anybody that this was actually the large dose of antibiotics required after your VD check.

[Kiltrash]

There all done, Dr Starmer had prepared this one specially for you.

[Kiltrash]

Mumble, mumble, mumble,
oh do speak up Prime Minister your not on the Piers Morgan show anymore...

[Kiltrash]

Thank you for your DNA Mr Johnson, now we can confirm exactly how many children you have.

[Hydromet]

Well, all the other cyclists are on steroids, so you may as well have some too.

[Wensleydale]

"I was thinking about the Shadow Cabinet".

"Ah - another case of clots on the brain"!

[Kiltrash]

Nurse thinks. " ONLY this clot would come for an injection with a long sleeved shirt. "
PM Thinks " I expected the injection would be in the arse, and I would have an excuse to take off my trousers and impress the filly "

[Dan Gerous]

"And as you can see the medical staff are observing distancing regulations, even when administering the jab".
"No Mr Johnson, I just want to stay as far away from YOU as I can".

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/telemmglpict000253765741_trans_nvbqzqnjv4bqyulffzxshugqnr8zp ddwxituh73_1iaibaonvuinpkg_ea0a642b2acdc8942ea0e09a064175ed4 df5dabb.jpeg

[622]

”Now, you are just going to feel a bit of a pr*ck.....and I will give you your jab to,”

[Dan Gerous]

Is the nurse humming "Tiny bubbles"?

[cattletruck]

Speaking of little pricks, what are you doing after work matron?

[Buster Hyman]

Okay, that’s the last of your shots, you can go to Liverpool now.

[Buster Hyman]

Err, no, this doesn’t make you anything like the Winter Soldier.

[Buster Hyman]

And this one should make your balls drop after that unfortunate flying fox incident.

[c52]

"Stay there a sec and I'll just comb your hair for you as well."

[c52]

"I guess with arms like these, when you did that press-up on camera, it was just the one."

[Kiltrash]

Having just heard the pay rise was only 1% the nurse ensured the needle was very blunt.

[c52]

"Stop!" said the Prime Minister. "Why aren't there two Union Flags behind me?"

[Kiltrash]

That's the Testosterone Injection, now on your bike...

[Kiltrash]

Test subject no 1 for the Male Contraceptive jab . Come back in 9 months and we will see if it was successful

[Kiltrash]

At the Centre Nurse Hoskins was the unlucky winner of the " Stick the tail on the Pig " draw
When interviewed the Nurse proudly said it was her first Successful injection.

[c52]

"Do you think 1% of the normal dose is reasonable, Prime Minister?"

[Chu Chu]

Sorry about that. But if it was my arm you wanted me to expose, why did you call "Johnson"?

[Dan Gerous]

And to do our part PM, we're reusing the needles to save money.

[NutLoose]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/image_0c7de5833ece07d9edf0abcb7f570ca5bf751997.jpeg

[NutLoose]

Ok that’s the 1st of your estrogen hormone treatment jabs, you might feel some sensitivity in your breasts over the nex...... pardon???...sorry, I had you down for hormone therapy, no one mentioned COVID 19 to me.

[NutLoose]

Yes I know you were a fan of Trump, but rest assured this tie reduction therapy is for your own good.

[NutLoose]

Stop squealing like a big girls blouse, you big girls blouse.

[ShyTorque]

“For your first attempt, nurse, we let you practice on a sack of spuds.....ooops, sorry!”

[c52]

...thinks back to 'Yes Minister'... "If only nurses had been issued with see-through uniforms, I'd be very happy to investigate the nature of the problem."

[NutLoose]

I know you are used to rapturous applause Prime Minister, but rest assured, this is one form of Clap you don’t want.

[Kiltrash]

Reminds me of the days at Eton, Matron used to take all us 16-18 year boys in hand. My that Private schooling was a thing to behold
Hear the Comprehensive pupils are left to their own devices

[NutLoose]

COVID 19? Noooo, this is the same cocktail of untested drugs you pumped into my PTSD suffering husband during Gulf War 2.

[Kiltrash]

This picture was actually from 4 months ago.

Yes that's your Rabies jab Prime Minister, now can I suggest you get rid of your Rottweiler Cummings Before he bites you in the arse again.

[Dan Gerous]

Thanks for putting that sign up nurse. Then again having Methadone injections probably isn't a resigning matter these days.

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/telemmglpict000253765741_trans_nvbqzqnjv4bqyulffzxshugqnr8zp ddwxituh73_1iaibaonvuinpkg_ea0a642b2acdc8942ea0e09a064175ed4 df5dabb.jpeg

[NutLoose]

No, this is a vaccine to protect against a viral infection from Melvaran mud fleas.

[Kiltrash]

Arthur Edwards* is glad to get any commissions he can get.

In case non UK readers are unsure who Edwards is, the Sun ( Newspaper ) Royal Snapper and with the RF keeping their heads down his income has dramatically reduced.

[Kiltrash]

There PM your visions been inoculated, it's safe to go home and ( not ) see what Carrie did with the flat.

[Kiltrash]

Now if you feel some tingling it will be your Cabinet Colleagues sticking pins in your Voodoo doll

[Kiltrash]

Oh Matron, your shoes are so shiny.
Pervert !!

[Kiltrash]

Hancock off camera.
" Congratulations PM and it appears you are the
25 Millionth UK Citizens to receive a first jab. and your prize is a one way trip to the Falklands Island. '

[Ascend Charlie]

"OK< we have taken your blood sample, now we can use DNA to see if Justin Bieber really is your love child!"

[Dan Gerous]

I have to say, this would have been a much better experience if you had books of Greek Lyric Poetry in the waiting room.

[Kiltrash]

Right get me Beardy Branson, flights to the Bahamas, after the year i'v had I need a holiday.

[c52]

"Doing anything tonight, darling? I've got a brand-new Airbus, and the rules don't say anything about not gathering in government jets."

[NutLoose]

I tell you nurse, the sooner I can get rid of this mask and get back to snorting the stuff the better.

[cynicalint]

Ow! That HURT! Do I get a sticker for being a good boy?

[cynicalint]

If I press hard enough here, does it stop the vaccine going in and giving me a clot?

[NutLoose]

Thanks nurse, I was going to attend the Conservative Party inoculation day, but when I looked through the door they were all stabbing each other in the back with them.



..

[c52]

"Thank heavens for the mask - they can't see I'm screaming."

[NutLoose]

One of the side effects is you might start dribbling like a hysterical baboon, but I doubt anyone will notice a difference.

[Kiltrash]

Nurse..." You'll never guess who I had in my chair yesterday. "

( Nurse is a UBER Driver Covid Volunteer )

[Kiltrash]

Ah welcome back Mr Johnson, appears 6 of the nurses in your previous ward are all pregnant,

[Kiltrash]

BJ ...Phew made it, thought my time was up, saw that Rees-Mog in the waiting room.

[Kiltrash]

Having visited the local Carvery, Boris gets his Pork from the servery, Roasties and veg is over there ..

[NutLoose]

Yes this vaccine is the good stuff, now please hold still while I inject the air bubble first.

[Kiltrash]

" A pint? that's nearly armful "
cr Hancocks half hour blood sketch.

[Kiltrash]

Nurse...Yes Prime Minister, I am a volunteer, but you know due to Covid all the dart Tournaments have been cancelled. My Name?? Yes its Sharon, Sharon Fallon.

[treadigraph]

If I may just inject.. er, interject... I'll call this one this evening around 8pm. In the mean time, happy captioning!

[Kiltrash]

Ah I see from your records that your Prostrate exam is overdue, As there is a Vaccine blockage in the EU I have a spare 15 minutes, can you just hop up on the couch. ?

[Kiltrash]

Hurry up Nurse, I have to be back home by 8pm and see if I have won a competition.

[Kiltrash]

Nurse, are you sure this is a Covid Vaccine injection? I have just seen on the telly neither you nor me are wearing masks.
One must be photoshopped

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/telemmglpict000253765741_trans_nvbqzqnjv4bqyulffzxshugqnr8zp ddwxituh73_1iaibaonvuinpkg_ea0a642b2acdc8942ea0e09a064175ed4 df5dabb.jpeg

[c52]

The Prime Minister proves that he really has got a superpower - no other explanation for that press-up he did.

[NutLoose]

Nurse Shipman... Now where have I heard that name before?

[NutLoose]

It shouldn't be blunt, its only been used 5 times before.

[NutLoose]

Ha ha, this reminds me of the needle in a haystack...

[c52]

[ excellent, #480, Nutloose ]

[Kiltrash]

Yes Prime Minister, I answered the call for Vaccine Volunteers, I am really a Vet, I specialise in putting down rabid dogs. Now where's my glasses?

[NutLoose]

Why do they call you the Black Widow?

[Kiltrash]

Now I have attached the blood pressure monitor, Prime Minister, I can tell you that Ms Sturgeon did not break the Ministerial code. WHOO never seen 210 over 95 its a World Record.

[NutLoose]

There, there, you’ll be able to go back and show your chums your war wounds.

[NutLoose]

Don’t worry Prime Minister it’s just a dose of Sodium Pentothal, now tell me the truth, how much can the Government really pay us nurses during the current pay negotiations.

[Non Linear Gear]

15 Dollars, love you long time, plus booking fee, and additional fee for baggage.


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1566x898/screen_shot_2021_02_23_at_12_20_10_pm_b208a8ba0a8a8484e3262a 477b529b6d1cb5414c.png
Joker is laughing at that one!

[Non Linear Gear]

Thank you Cynicalint, very kind, that's knocked me right off kilter!

I think this may be topical still - I had thought of using a similar image of David Cameron but I wasn't sure anyone would remember who he is...

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/680x425/telemmglpict000253765741_trans_nvbqzqnjv4bqyulffzxshugqnr8zp ddwxituh73_1iaibaonvuinpkg_ea0a642b2acdc8942ea0e09a064175ed4 df5dabb.jpeg
Stop trying to shake my hand! Didn't you learn that from last time you were here?

[treadigraph]

OK, time to end this quickie – you’ll get another shot at it in 12 weeks’ time…

Also rans…

Nutty:

Don’t worry Prime Minister it’s just a dose of Sodium Pentothal, now tell me the truth, how much can the Government really pay us nurses during the current pay negotiations.

Nurse Shipman... Now where have I heard that name before?

Kilty:

Yes that's your Rabies jab Prime Minister, now can I suggest you get rid of your Rottweiler Cummings Before he bites you in the arse again.

Dan Gerous:

Thanks for putting that sign up nurse. Then again having Methadone injections probably isn't a resigning matter these days.

C52:

Stay there a sec and I'll just comb your hair for you as well.

In third place:

Buster:

Okay, that’s the last of your shots, you can go to Liverpool now.

Second:

Chu Chu:

Sorry about that. But if it was my arm you wanted me to expose, why did you call "Johnson"?

But this round’s winner is…

Longhitter:

There, all done! And I won't tell anybody that this was actually the large dose of antibiotics required after your VD check.

Congrats, as long as the EU don’t try and demand it be sent to Brussels, I’ll have the CST to you by refrigerated truck in a jiffy…

[Longhitter]

Well, since it's not (shell)fish, chilled meat or any other agricultural produce it arrived with no border delays...

Truly honored!

Spring has arrived, so here's something to get the eyes bright and the tail bushy:


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/743x743/photo_2021_03_04_18_37_07_1878cdc25b4d2a4a52de6c1ab306578864 1d3d44.jpg

[cavuman1]

And then the whole thing went tits up!

- Ed

[treadigraph]

There was a very long pause until the chaps remembered they were supposed to be writing captions...

[cynicalint]

Ooh Mr pilot, are you sure this non-contact mammogram camera actually works?

[treadigraph]

Cupid Stunt's first day as an airline pilot: "...and then all my clothes fell off!"

It was all in the best possible taste...

[treadigraph]

So this ram's horn yoke thingy is there restrain my assets from rising under negative G?

[Wensleydale]

I'm just checking if I have to carry out the HASSELL checks first....

[Kiltrash]

MASTER CAUTION BIRD STRIKE.
That's NOT the reset button.

[Kiltrash]

Miss Stupid did not understand the nurses instruction to roll up your sleeve

[Kiltrash]

Captain, are you sure it's my turn to go through the cabin and reassure the passengers now the turbulence has died down

[Kiltrash]

Nope seen it before, Ch554 on the cable telly, now where's the Sports Channels

[Kiltrash]

Yes Mr Cummins your eyesight test shows you are OK to drive.

[NutLoose]

Are you sure it’s not a thumbprint scan required to start the plane Captain? this all feels highly irregular.


...

[NutLoose]

Of course it is ok stewardess, why do you think they call it a bang seat.

[Kiltrash]

" Your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off " ( Italian Job Original )
or
Captain turns up the cockpit loudspeakers to see if they could blow the girls clothes off. (Italian Job Remake )

[NutLoose]

You have te very careful with these implants Miss, the slightest pressure differences can make huge expansion changes, hence why I as the Captain have taken it upon myself to personally monitor your situation.

[NutLoose]

Stewardess, when I said I’d like to see cups in front of me during the flight, I meant coffee not two C cups.

[NutLoose]

I said, and when we go onto oxygen I want to see deep breaths

[NutLoose]

It appears Boris wrote this into the Brexit agreement for RAF Governmental flights to and from the EU Flight Lieutenant.

[Non Linear Gear]

Well, since it's not (shell)fish, chilled meat or any other agricultural produce it arrived with no border delays...

Truly honored!

Spring has arrived, so here's something to get the eyes bright and the tail bushy:


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/743x743/photo_2021_03_04_18_37_07_1878cdc25b4d2a4a52de6c1ab306578864 1d3d44.jpg
Hot Brazilian for the First Officer and the Honeywell database needs updating!

[c52]

PM: "Well, her trousers are red, her skin is what is called white, but do we really need her to add something blue, in the circumstances?"

[NutLoose]

I don’t see anyone complaining about builders crack now, do you?

[c52]

"Hello, ATC? I'd like to report a stream of near-misses -- oncoming aircraft only about 10' above me, all their pilots staring out of the cockpit window but seemingly unable to see this plane."

[NutLoose]

Ok, for your next flying lesson we are going to cover blown flaps and thrust augmentation.

[cattletruck]

Technically, it ticks the quota box.

[622]

In the remake of Airplane, the auto pilot was given a makeover

[treadigraph]

First Officer *Leslie Francis announces that henceforth he is to be known as *Lesley Frances...




*These are fictitious names selected with intended humour; any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental...

[treadigraph]

...and then I flew on contract for 12 months as Little Fat Wun's personal pilot, this was how he expected me to dress...

[Kiltrash]

Having lost her shirt off her back at Cheltenham, Mrs Ryanair takes her husbands flight home.

[Wensleydale]

...and 20 minutes later, Brian was still explaining to her the stages of transition from the hover to conventional flight in a Harrier.

[Wensleydale]

...Two days later, Helen woke up beside a swimming pool to discover that someone had painted a Pink Floyd album cover over her back.....

[Kiltrash]

Make sure you don't put your dress on back to front afterwards

[treadigraph]

Golly, isn't it WARM in here...

[Kiltrash]

Co Pilot went for a toilet break and was replaced by the Senior Cabin Attendant. "...and don't hurry back " said the captain

[Wensleydale]

This reminds me of Linton on Ouse where the navigation "simulator" was known as the Type Instrument Trainer, or TIT. Unfortunately, one edition of the Station telephone directory contained a misprint, and the phone number of the trainer was incorrectly given. This led to the situation where a student rang the number but stupidly asked the woman from WAAF Admin on the other end of the phone if he could book one of her TITs for the afternoon. Soon afterwards, the equipment was renamed the Jet Provost Instrument Trainer or JPIT.

[Kiltrash]

In reply to the ' Dad's Car ' thread Sharon (aged 28 ) explained she still sat on her dad's lap while steering.

[Kiltrash]

The real meaning of " Trotters Independent Traders "

Sorry for the thread drift

[Kiltrash]

PAIN PAN PAN, Need to divert, Windscreen demister cant handle the load..

[treadigraph]

This reminds me of Linton on Ouse where the navigation "simulator" was known as the Type Instrument Trainer, or TIT. Unfortunately, one edition of the Station telephone directory contained a misprint, and the phone number of the trainer was incorrectly given. This led to the situation where a student rang the number but stupidly asked the woman from WAAF Admin on the other end of the phone if he could book one of her TITs for the afternoon. Soon afterwards, the equipment was renamed the Jet Provost Instrument Trainer or JPIT.

[more drift] When my part of Carillion was still Tarmac, I visited the IT support team one afternoon; somebody told me they had just had a meeting and were renaming the section Tarmac IT Services. Like an idiot, I opened my mouth and said, "oh, so you'll be TITS then?". Change of plan, shame...

[NutLoose]

Good morning Miss, my nickname's Winkle, they call me that because of my diminutive stature, I notice the crew calling you Limpet, is there any reason behind that one?

[Ascend Charlie]

"So, Captain, you expect me to believe it was the FIRE EXTINGUISHER that discharged itself in your lap?"

[Chu Chu]

I know you're the pilot monitoring, but do you have to stare?

[Dan Gerous]

Oh look, all those spotters have fainted.


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/743x743/photo_2021_03_04_18_37_07_1878cdc25b4d2a4a52de6c1ab306578864 1d3d44.jpg

[Dan Gerous]

Well Captain, you may be great at flying by the seat of your pants, but I'm absolutely stunning at flying bareback.

[Dan Gerous]

Sorry did you say strap in or strap on Captain?

[MPN11]

"So tell me, why do they call you Dimples?"

[treadigraph]

CAA Top Neddy: "We found this was this best way to deter laser attacks - the perps are so distracted they forget to fire..."

MoD Big Wig makes note to investigate potential military applications...

[cattletruck]

It's the new Un-bra-er from Brazil.

[Kiltrash]

Oh Captain you are a fully trained Masseuse, the things you know. Last time you told me your a Beaver Watcher.

[Kiltrash]

Ah First Officer, you really do need to improve your bluffing face when playing Strip Poker.

[Kiltrash]

At halfway through QF9 boredom sets in.
Capt...I spy with my little eye a pair of T's
FO....Trees? Sir but we're at 40000' boy you have good eyesight.

[Kiltrash]

If this was put on 'What Cockpit ' Some Anorak would not only tell you the Aircraft Maker, Type, Model, Operator, Flight to and Registration. Sad Gits.

[Kiltrash]

Sorry Miss, I know you were invited to the cockpit but rules are rules, the FO must remain in his seat...

[Martin the Martian]

If this was put on 'What Cockpit ' Some Anorak would not only tell you the Aircraft Maker, Type, Model, Operator, Flight to and Registration. Sad Gits.

Hey! I resemble that remark.

[Buster Hyman]

Okay, so now you need to take a firm grip of the Cyclic...
But, this isn’t a Helicopter.
I know...

[Buster Hyman]

Sudden spike in RSI claims by the crew...

[Buster Hyman]

Now, isn’t this easier than in an Airbus?

[Kiltrash]

On the bridge Seven of Nine does not find anything unusual with this. It's Efficient after all

[Kiltrash]

HAL 9000 Is upgraded to be Gendar Neutral. Takes all the fun away complained the crusty old Captain.

[Kiltrash]

As the engines spooled down for the last time, the Pilot was heard to sigh..." I used to be the Queen of the Skies "

[Kiltrash]

Captain, does my bum look big in this?
Of course not m'dear, your in the Whale.