Caption Competition Mk III

[Kiltrash]

At the Squadron Panto Alladin doesn't fancy mucking about with Magic Carpets

[Kiltrash]

Amazingly Andy continues the inane smiling even with a Rotorblade stuck through his head. ...However A&E said the Ambulance would be at least 6 hours as it was not life threatening...

[Ascend Charlie]

"I'm looking for what's left of the fingers of my left hand, they are in the swash plate here somewhere..."

[622]

Of course I checked the intake blanks were removed...

[andytug]

"I'm disappointed, they said I could come ride a Belle and it turns out it's a helicopter after all...."

[Kiltrash]

Andy checked his log book and yes there it was, confirmation he had ridden this one before. .
There 10 Nov 1990, Windsor to Heaven and back, Call sign Maxwell, +2 occupants Jimmy Saville and ' Friend ' Fixed for for me ...

[SLXOwft]

Having finished his Giselle training with 705, S/Lt HRH Prince Andrew thought he could mount anything.

[ShyTorque]

“Good morning! Please allow one to use the Royal wee, sorry, we!

[treadigraph]

The Westland Affair? Which woman was that? Is there a Pizza Express in Yeovil?

[Kiltrash]

Sorry, Stand down, mission scrubbed, your mum's cancelled lunch...

[Kiltrash]

After a particularly harrowing 24 months of his life, The Duke of York wistfully thinks back to the happiest days of his life...
No not when he was in the Military that's the wrong memory ...It was when he was waiting for Beatrice and Eugenie outside the school gates..

[j4leaphill]

"Yeah,Sure i can fly this,no sweat"!!

[Kiltrash]

ITV get a bit concerned when they realise just who is the helicopter pilot for the female contestents in I'm a Celebrity

[Kiltrash]

Examiner...
Andy, congratulations on passing your pilots licence,
( ...and thanks for the large brown unmarked envelope )

[Kiltrash]

On the Friday before Christmas ( yes i know that's next week but hopefully this caption will be called before then ), Andy gets ready to Escort Santas Sleigh over the Falkland Islands...
The sheep however get a bit worried

[Dan Gerous]

It's got nothing to do with the Lynx effect. The babes just love me.

[fitliker]

The gloves offer some protection to ones knuckles when checking the fluids of the “Brazen Hussy “

[NutLoose]

Wanna be my little Princess?

[NutLoose]

And one day this Prince will grow up to live in a beeeg house, San Quentin.

[Buster Hyman]

A concerning trend with the amount of Lynx references... Just paints a picture of how some of you smell I think! :uhoh:

However, as there's been no sign of the SAS being dispatched from the Palace, I shall judge this one to get the weekend off to a new comp.

Therefore, over to you AC, you naughty boy!

"You say this one is 16 years old? Nah, get me a younger one!"

[Ascend Charlie]

Thenk yew, Bustah!

A quick one for the weekend....

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/675x900/waterbomb_76_4257845644091fd8fd8d75f2f091f069ebb89435.jpg

[Hydromet]

Because of the drought, new methods were developed to conduct all-weather helicopter training.

[treadigraph]

As there is no lake around here for us to land, we are building our own...

[treadigraph]

Wow, that is one hell of a flush your onboard toilet has...

[ShyTorque]

As usual, the helicopter crew were p!££ed on from a great height.

[Buster Hyman]

We found that if we dump it on a Chopper, we get a better distribution from the rotor wash...

[Buster Hyman]

"Hoskins! Grab the QRH & look up Tropical Storm Ops...hurry!"

[Buster Hyman]

Early in flight refueling trials were hit & miss...

[treadigraph]

Testing the wipers? Couldn't you have just used a hosepipe?

[treadigraph]

Men are from Mars, helicopter pilots are from... well...

[Buster Hyman]

Once an F-111 pilot...

[Kiltrash]

Kiltrash reliving his experiences of throwing water bombs out the halls of residence at Loughborough. ..true story..😁

[Kiltrash]

Bright painted red aircraft.....boy that global warming sure came on quick...

[cattletruck]

Drive through compressor wash.

[Wensleydale]

Another helicopter pilot needs a cold shower.........

[Kiltrash]

In a vain attempt to save the second Ashes Test, Gower flies over the Adelaide ground

[Self loading bear]

That is why our nickname is Coolsun.

[Chu Chu]

Taking a page from the Pathfinders, Coulsun predeploys a target for its waterbomber.

[cynicalint]

Wow! The water in this lake is so flat and clear, you can only see it when we touch down!

[Kiltrash]

A complaint was later made to the Authorities that Steam should always give way to sail...
or
As the Australian Grand Prix gets ready for the inaugural race of thr 2022 season, Max ( in the water bomber ) tries to run his opponent off the track.
Race Director claims no investigation needed.

[cavuman1]

This should take care of that roadkill below!

- Ed

[treadigraph]

Bit early on the drowned-out, Hoskins!

[Self loading bear]

As the Australian Grand Prix gets ready for the inaugural race of thr 2022 season, Max ( in the water bomber ) tries to run his opponent off the track.
Race Director claims no investigation needed.

Or
How Lewis wets his pants when he realizes that he has more power but less speed.
Max enjoys another wet race.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Mars to Birdog helicopter

Thanks for pointing out that couplie shagging in front of their tent This will cool them down !

[Big Pistons Forever]

Elon, you know there are cheaper ways to fill your pool........

[Big Pistons Forever]

Heh Heh Heh. I just happen to know where a certain FAA inspector has a camping site......

[Big Pistons Forever]

Helicopter to Mars

"Gesundheit !"

[Kiltrash]

This will teach Big Chief Running Water to curb his Raindance for the Apache Nation

[Kiltrash]

Sat Nav Voice....
Off route re calculating.....or please select a different President to drop a load on...

[cavuman1]

"Gonna wash that man right outta my helicopter, errr, hair...."

- Ed

[Kiltrash]

Hoskins, I know you came from the CIA but no thats not the Chemtrail tank

[Kiltrash]

Having has their Submarine confiscated by the Coast Guard, the drug smugglers have to find something else, slow and large to hide under to sneak in below the radar ...what a mistakka to a makka. ...

[arf23]

time for Plan B when the heli air conditioning failed..

[Ascend Charlie]

It was just a quick comp, and I was surprised that a Pom would be game to mention the cricket, but the winner is Kiltrash, with this:

In a vain attempt to save the second Ashes Test, Gower flies over the Adelaide ground

It won't save the Poms but it gave me a chuckle. Well done Kilty!

[Kiltrash]

You'll gather I'm not a Pom in the known sense of the word and I'm a ABE. ..
( Anyone But England. ..) 😁
post one later today having a last meal out with the family before Lockdown

[Kiltrash]

Ok everyone what's going on here?

https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1280x960/maxresdefault_fb17fa643508999426f6dc4faec416ed5ba9354f.jpg

[cynicalint]

we're taking in water fast!

[treadigraph]

We're diverting to Scotland? Nooooooo...

[MPN11]

“Oh, nooooo … Hoskins is the Marshaller”

[MPN11]

“Look out, there’s a Goat in that cloud.”

[Big Pistons Forever]

This is what happens when Nutty signs out the plane.....

ps: This is a screen shot from the Youtube video "Barely Air". It's hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqkOi2AdjLw

[ShyTorque]

Christmas quarantine just announced.

[Ascend Charlie]

"We've lost 2 test matches straight! Bring those worthless mongrels home!"

[Dan Gerous]

It was a quiet flight, so the Co stuck his Foo Fighters CD on, and they all sang along to "Breakout"

[fitliker]

Apparently, they just were informed that flight crew are no longer exempt from anal COVID tests , bend over and cough .

[Buster Hyman]

Skipper! I need your help. Pull back on the stick!
umm…

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

The captain was a firm believer in autoland. The rest of the crew.....not so much.

[treadigraph]

The Captain demonstrates that he is Treblecock by name and treblecock by nature...

[MPN11]

Much to Hoskin's disappointment, the grasping of red knobs by Cabin Crew was a privilege only extended to qualified Captains.

[MPN11]

Q: What happens when you have two wg cdrs on the flight deck? ….

[NutLoose]

Halitosis, guaranteed to knock out the most stubborn of Navigators.

[Kiltrash]

OK all last orders call this Tuesday afternoon UK Time ...

[NutLoose]

Nooo it’s the invisible men…gulp

[Dan Gerous]

Pilot, "Hey guys chill out. This weightlessness thing is cool".

[Kiltrash]

The test audience for the the PPRuNE Christmas commercial show only 80% approval
Or
Pilot has to seek the manual inflation tube in George. Flight engineer thinks, why never me??
Or
Boris decide this way there can be no way photos of our party can be leaked

Ok everyone I know you will all be panting to know the latest recipient. I will announce this after the break..

[Kiltrash]

In first looser position we have Fitliker with


Apparently, they just were informed that flight crew are no longer exempt from anal COVID tests , bend over and cough .


However the fine chap winning this round is... Treaders with

We're diverting to Scotland? Nooooooo...

Hopefully your local parcel delivery company can get the trophy to you soon...

[treadigraph]

Blimey, thanks Kiltie!

Try this one for a couple of days (don't think I posted it already :confused:...).

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/765x596/2021_11_19_0e18030515d063dbb68dedb9aaef48ac8b0e3d5b.png

[ShyTorque]

They don't like it up 'em you know!

"Well sergeant, we DO!"

[Kiltrash]

Donno about the Germans but these Scousers scare the willy out of me

[Kiltrash]

Captain Mainwaring puts up additional security guards when Fraser comes to make a withdrawal

[Kiltrash]

HMTQ joins the ma'ams army

[Self loading bear]

The new recruits had quickly mastered what to do with the pup tents up until the moment the poles were handed out.
”the pole is to be put up in the middle, ladies”

[MPN11]

“ye are a wee bit short, but I ken ye have fine … strong … thighs”

[MPN11]

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/765x596/2021_11_19_0e18030515d063dbb68dedb9aaef48ac8b0e3d5b.png[/

“”Ye need to get your hand higher up, otherwise … well, use your imagination …”

[MPN11]

“I don’t know about the enemy, but they certainly frighten me”

[Ascend Charlie]

"Sgt, you touch my tits again and you lose a testicle!"

[Kiltrash]

Early version of ' Squid ' game does not get past the Pilot show
or Early version of 10 pin bowling would work better with a Ball , Hoskins...

[fitliker]

“Send three and four pence we are going to a dance “ message received and misunderstood . It should have read send reinforcements we are going to advance .


They have not got their dancing kit on or war paint on , so who knows what they are tuptoo , duckie

[Kiltrash]

Rumble...Rumble. ..Rumble
What do you mean Rumble...Rumble...Rumble??
Well sir it is war games and i'm pretending i'm a Panzer Sir..

[fitliker]

These girls loved the blackouts during the war . They saved a fortune on make up .

[Kiltrash]

Fed up with leaks from the highest level of Government, The Prime Minister installs fearsome levels of security round 10 Downing Street.
Right ladies, false teeth removal drill and smile...

[fitliker]

Going to need the Mk 4 beer goggles Q , and never mind the Aston , I take the electric milk cart to make a quiet escape in the am .

[cavuman1]

Now revealed for the first time: Britain's top secret weapon - The Ugly Brigade. (Except front row 2nd from right....)

- Ed

[Ninthace]

When I asked for soldiers in skirts, I was rather hoping for a platoon from a Highland regiment.

[Kiltrash]

Jeez, you think this is hard, training wummin to Preeesent Arms ..... wait till you see the problem with training the men to change nappies...
Horses for courses

[Kiltrash]

Far right front gets a real eyeful of Frasers 'package '

[Kiltrash]

Chipped me nails, wwwaaahhh. and on a date tonight with Sgt Wilson, Gave me these nylons in exchange for ' company ' said Mrs Pike...

[Kiltrash]

Nicola Sturgeon Gran, middle front in case you need a hint, goes through basic training

[Kiltrash]

One of the lesser known jobs woman did during tbe war while the men were away at the front
Armed guards for Santas Sleigh with lumps of coal as presents ...valuable commodity, you know, on ration.

[622]

The Dinner ladies at St Hoskins Primary were a fierce bunch.....no one dared resfuse the tapioca!

[Wensleydale]

The RAF Volunteer Reserve recruits extra "Aviators".

[Dan Gerous]

And when the Americans enter the war, and they will, they'll be over here, over paid and over sexed. You ladies have to be prepared to defend yourselves.

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/765x596/2021_11_19_0e18030515d063dbb68dedb9aaef48ac8b0e3d5b.png[

[Buster Hyman]

In an unfortunate oversight, Fraser is about to discover that suggesting Bayonet Practice to a bunch of Scousers has a totally different meaning!

[Buster Hyman]

Mixing Viagra into Fraser’s analgesic cream was fraught with danger. Luckily he only used it on his right leg…

[andytug]

"Barton on Sea WI Battalion reporting for duty SAH!"

[Kiltrash]

...and if you turn your Lee Enfield 90 deg clockwise it can also double as a suitable 2 yard ( none of this European Metric Nonsense ) to provide social distancing from some Randy ol Sargent who has not been getting any on the home front...

[Kiltrash]

Thank you ladies for whittling these old English Oak branches into mock 303's , Gerry won't be able to tell the difference when you shout BANG ...

[Kiltrash]

Well done Hoskins, with your makeup you would blend in with the Latvian Woman's Army no problem...

[Kiltrash]

At Bletchley Park the de coders are trained to defend the places secrets from any inquiring newspaper Reporter
​​​​..Now remember we are just a typing pool for the Daily Planet and nothing interesting goes on here and there are no motor cycle couriers comming and going in the middle of the night with secret orders.
There is no red telephone to the War Rooms and we do not have pointed barbs in our shoes to kick the enemy...
Well done no 6.....or should I say Anne Franks?

[622]

Judging the Womens Auxillary Balloon Corps beauty contest was a job Sgt Hoskins took very seriously .....in the end a winner was chosen and whisked away for a Romantic weekend in Skegness.

[NutLoose]

We are arming you to protect your virginity in case of invasion, but looking at you lot, it’s a waste of good rifles.

[622]

Sgt "Madam...if you hold it there it will go off prematurely in your hands...."
Voice at the back "..thats what all the soldiers say to her"

[NutLoose]

I said cock, hook and look Doris, don’t look at me like that, I was referring to your gun.

[NutLoose]

Don’t worry Bert, we’ll show Trump transsexuals have a place in the ma…err woma..errr transexuals army

[ShyTorque]

Going Commando? I already am....my bloomers down on the assault course!

[MPN11]

"it may be a replica Drill Weapon, lassie, but I have the real thing."


* My Boarding School in Jamaica had wooden rifles for the CCF, but they weren't as good as those!

[NutLoose]

They say after Germany took France things looked pretty grim in the U.K., and after looking at you lot who am I to disagree.

[NutLoose]

We’re deploying you to the frontline to demoralise the German troops who think they will rape and pillage the U.K.

[NutLoose]

We’re going to drop you behind the enemy lines with these wooden guns to cause mayhem and mischief and taking a nod to history we are going to call it Operation Wooden Whores.

[Ascend Charlie]

"When the Taliban see these 72 virgins, they might drop their weapons and run for the nearest sand dune."

[fitliker]

Now we know what is meant by “ Show me your War Face “

[Kiltrash]

In the Gorbals, the Ration queue stewards get in additional training when it's reported ' Santas comming to town '

* notice I did not say Croydon 😊

[Kiltrash]

But why are we arming the women? Don't they have enough to do?. Homemaking, child rearing / education, machine Spitfire parts, Land army, chauffeur, shop worker etc
well sir you do know they say they can multitask
​​​​​, so just adding one other, whereas men only need to concentrate on one thing at a time..
( can you guess what that is children? )

[Kiltrash]

Not even Carlsberg could make makeup strong enough ...

[Kiltrash]

I'm advance of the Spurs Chelsea Semi Final the stewards get additional paramilitary training....

[Wensleydale]

The BBC begins its recruitment process to replace Laura Kuenssberg.

[Chu Chu]

It's a well know fact that all Germans are crazy about Macbeth, so we took the precaution of having your rifles cut in Birnam Wood.

[treadigraph]

I'll call this one around 8.30 this evening... keep 'em coming!

[fitliker]

Blackout check
Gas masks check
Beer Goggles check
Carbolic soap check
We are good to go , baby

[fitliker]

As any northern pilot will tell you ; five twos is a ten !

[NutLoose]

And if the gun doesn’t work shake the snakes out of your perms.

[NutLoose]

Ahh a bevvy of beauties, Lee Enfield Mk 5’s if I’m not mistaken..

[Kiltrash]

What's all the rush??
Well. Sergeant doesn't want a ugly one, ...

[Kiltrash]

If you think this is terrifying, wait till you see the final big bad boy as the end of the Level of Call of Duty

[Other video games are available, although to be fair the last I played was Sonic many years ago, }

[fitliker]

Video games and Porn I do not think I have ever got to the end of either . Did the plumber get the sink fixed ?

[Kiltrash]

.. and Finally

The Daily Telegraph war correspondent reports from the front line that " As the sound of gunfire ceased the rumour spread that the Germans had surrendered and the ladies could go back to their day job.
All weapons are to be returned to storage Sergeant
24/12/1914

Merry Christmas one and all.. especially to those in Uniform.

[Chu Chu]

Ah, the days of wooden guns and iron maidens.

[MPN11]

"Hello, Mum!"

[Hydromet]

Not exactly a shotgun wedding, but some of Sergeant Bloggs' old flames did want to meet him again, armed.

[treadigraph]

Sorry, bit late, got waylaid by a fluid situation... ahem.

OK the winner is, first out of the starting blocks: Shytorque with:

They don't like it up 'em you know!

"Well sergeant, we DO!"

Reserve winner is Nutloose:

We’re going to drop you behind the enemy lines with these wooden guns to cause mayhem and mischief and taking a nod to history we are going to call it Operation Wooden Whores.

Over to one of you two to provide a turkey at which we can chuck our sprouts during the festivities...

Lots of great suggestions as ever - thanks!

Mine might have been: "Sarge, we've all aged 20 years doing this drill". "Aye, and if we have ta age another 20 years, we'll be here till ye all GET IT RIGHT!"

[ShyTorque]

Treaders,

Many thanks…as always here, a vulgar approach often does well!

I’m in the middle of helping with a family house move and have trouble posting photos here at the best of times so I’d be very grateful if Nutty would be prepared to “stick it up ‘em” on my behalf.

[NutLoose]

Will do
brb

[NutLoose]

Ok try this


https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x841/image_9a93123f72e651ba3eb1e84b529bf45d1a7c7f5f.jpeg


from

https://fiveminutehistory.com/celebrating-christmas-in-world-war-2-keep-calm-and-carry-on/

[OMAAbound]

And for some reason, after this visit, the children never did believe in Santa again

OMAA

[OMAAbound]

“Hey kids, think yourself lucky. German Santa won’t be arriving this year!”

OMAA

[Hydromet]

Because he's been an extra good boy, Timmy gets the first iPhone ever invented. Unfortunately, it would be 75 years before the second one was invented.

[cavuman1]

"Here, Sinterklaas, take five guilders to put in your sack of money. Soon you might have enough to repair your aircraft with enough left over to take Rudolph to the red light district in Amsterdam!"

- Ed

[Ascend Charlie]

"Ho, ho, ho..you must be my little elves, with your pointy shoes!"
"Gimme a ********* present or I'll kick you in the **** with them!"

[treadigraph]

Cheers Nutty!

Ok, own up you little bastards, what happened to my sleigh and reindeer?

[Kiltrash]

Naturally worried after the last time they were straffed the children approached tentatively. Were overjoyed however to receive Flu jabs.....and so the Flying Doctor service started.

[Kiltrash]

Under the tradional Santa outfit the children were later surprised to find him completely naked....explained well it is a hot outfit in a small cockpit

[Kiltrash]

...and finally
Not so little Tom at the back eyes up Agnes tight arse hopeing no one else notices

[622]

The downside of the station WO being the Santa this year was that he refused to hand over any treats until "all cloggs were clean and polished and all the boys and girls had a damn good haircut!"

[622]

Oi you tight b*stard.....I wanted an X box!

[622]

And in exchange for a chocolate bar.......Santa agreed to release Fido from the bag and promised not to take him to visit the canal!

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Hoskins!!
Yessir?
You know you're not allowed to be close to any children, and besides, it's only bloody September!

[622]

.....and the school Janitor would have got away with the theft if it hadn't have been for the pesky kids!

(with reference to any episode of Scooby Doo)

[622]

"OK children, this chocolate bar is yours if you can persuade Section Officer Harvey to sit on my knee later...."

[zetec2]

Kiltrash, your little Tommy comment in 7653 has caused a keyboard useless due to spilt
coffee ingress, the best.

[Kiltrash]

...and finally, finally as I am shutting down for a couple of days, experience has taught me not to go on Social Media and Drink at Christmas. ..

...and the winner of Secret Santa is...Abigail, ( who else ) you have won first prize, come sit on my lap in the cockpit and waggle my joystick...

Merry Christmas all and be safe

[Dan Gerous]

And you, young man, have been a naughty boy this year, so all you are getting is a Typhoon. Now off you go, and tear a Panzer Division a new one.


https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x841/image_9a93123f72e651ba3eb1e84b529bf45d1a7c7f5f.jpeg

[MPN11]

"Please, Santa, why is your 122 Wing Tempest wearing the A2 code for a 514 Sqn Lancaster?"

"Sod off, smartarse ..."

[Buster Hyman]

"An Epstein Business card? That doesn't sound very Christmassy..."

[Buster Hyman]

Well, I was hoping for a Spitfire, but the Typhoon will do.

[Buster Hyman]

Oh cool! A splinter kit for my feet!

[Dan Gerous]

As young Johnny was receiving his Typhoon from Santa, a feeling of despair came over Tommy, as all he could see in Santa's sack was educational toys.

[622]

"Ho Ho Ho, well Timmy....there is a life lesson to be learnt there....details are important!
If you wanted a 1:72 Airfix one you should have specified that!...now get it out of here before the Police arrive, theres a good boy!"

[treadigraph]

Sorry son, the lateral flow test shows yer Covid positive. No presents for you my lad!

[Wensleydale]

"Please, Santa, why is your 122 Wing Tempest wearing the A2 code for a 514 Sqn Lancaster?"

"Sod off, smartarse ..."


If the photograph had been printed the right way round, you could see that it is "SA" of No 486 Sqn RNZAF.

[MPN11]

If the photograph had been printed the right way round, you could see that it is "SA" of No 486 Sqn RNZAF.
Thank you for the gift of clarity!

[Buster Hyman]

That's right Timmy. This is from an era when New Zealand had an Air Force...

[Chu Chu]

Are you quite sure there's no Menin Road here? They distinctly told me I was deploying to the salient.

[MPN11]

“… and be gentle with your clogs, children. This herringbone brick paving on the dispersal cost the Squadron fund a fortune.”

[MPN11]

Boy: “Thank you, Santa. Please, what is a DVD, and who is Emmanuelle?”

[MPN11]

S: “… and if you give me your sister’s address, I’ll call back to see her in a couple of years.”

[Buster Hyman]

“Hold on Timmy. Go back to that bit about the dyke…”

[ShyTorque]

Well, Hans, here is a present for sticking your finger in the dyke. She says thank you very much and Merry Christmas..

[Wensleydale]

When we were tasked with trialling a Dutch CAP, what the Boss meant was................

[Ninthace]

Ok Luke, despite what your mother told you, I am not your father.

[MPN11]

The prospect of a week of cold turkey sandwiches took the edge off the celebrations.

[MPN11]

https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/800x841/image_9a93123f72e651ba3eb1e84b529bf45d1a7c7f5f.jpeg

[MPN11]

“Now remember, laddie, it’s a small amount for personal use only … don’t even think of selling some to your mates.”

[Chu Chu]

What have you done with Zwarte Piet?

[Chu Chu]

You're too skinny to be Sinterklaas.

Sorry, the bulge was busy elsewhere.

[Kiltrash]

Hello all, I'm back 😁

During the war Uncle Albert had to take on additional duties during a shortage of long white beards
Or
Due to a shortage of men, women had to step up to rolls normally the domain of men. ' it's alright children, your safe with Santa, (s)he's not a perv '
Or
During the Boxing Day Test the England selectors hope to recruit Aussie children with a vague English heritage.
( sorry not relevant but i need to get in a reference to the appalling First innings performance before the end of the day 😁)

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Filbert-Smythe was always a popular one with the kiddies when it came time to hand out the cigarettes, but at Christmas time he liked to put that little bit more effort in.

[ORAC]

“Remember to make sure the pilot sees you and give him a wave before you peel off; meanwhile we’ll phone in and say we saw him drinking before take-off and plant a bottle in his locker”.

That’ll teach the xxxxx to kick my dog”.

[MPN11]

“Be a pilot? Nee, I want be a Navigator, like Admiral Tromp.”

[Kiltrash]

Yes the Paternity test shows you all have the same mother and father...Slack Alice and 11 squadron

[Kiltrash]

You boy, at the back, yes you, stop doing that Buster you'll go blind...
How did you know my name??...
Inspired guess...vanker. ...

[Kiltrash]

As Santa had been delayed by ATC Restrictions he was still handing out presents on Boxing day .....and to make it worse there was no overtime pay.

[Kiltrash]

At Christmas Time Fagen enjoyed training a new intake of recruits into how to.Pick a pocket or two, , during the January Sale crowds. ...then some **** invented online shopping.

[NutLoose]

If I remember, I’ll score this on the morrow, but I have a busy day planned. So last orders folks.

[ORAC]

”See, your mum was telling the truth when she said I was Santa Claus. Just remember you can’t tell your dad or I won’t come back next year”….

[fitliker]

All kinder are to be fitted with the wooden anti -molestation devices in case someone tries to fix it for them , these devices are capable of delivering an unhealthy level of pressure to the other sack should behaviour warrant.

[fitliker]

Wooden shoes
Wooden head
Wooden listen
Must be Dutch

You can always tell the Dutch in any crowd , but they will not listen

quotes from an old Dutch friend told to me long after we removed the golly from the jam ,so I am hoping it is not offensive to any Dutch especially the lovely ones :)

[Kiltrash]

Later it was discovered they should not have let Sdn Leader J Saville fix it for the children to see Santa
or
What's that Timmy?. Flippers fallen down the well??

[Kiltrash]

What's that Jos, one day you'll have a son, name him Max and will win the Motor sport World Chanpionship?? Well better than always a Brit or a Gerry

[Kiltrash]

Stop whinging sonny and be gratfull for half ounce of Old Shag. I know you wanted new cloggs, but they don't grow on trees you know...

[treadigraph]

Cheer up sonny, it's a ticket to this little place I know in Amsterdam...

[Big Pistons Forever]

Dear Santa

It has been reported that you were observed airside without a high viz vest. After investigating the case I have determined that the report has been verified. As a result you are now permanently banned from the grounds of the Lower Gumboot Upon Mersey air statIon.

Signed

FO, I. M. Scrooge
Military Police

[cynicalint]

I have a hard clog, and I'm not afraid to use it! Open the sack!

[Kiltrash]

With regret sonny I am being made redundant after this year so Suck Off the lot of you !!
Ps I'm only a marketing toy to shift total c​​rap tat from China, Make tbe Banks even richer, get you to be nice to your parents and eat your Sprouts....

[Kiltrash]

Move it Santa we know your not real, your soo last year. Were waiting for the Easter Bunny

[MPN11]

”Dear Santa, what I really want is for Nutloose to judge, so I can go and play with the girls.”

[Chu Chu]

It's a message from Nutloose at XXX Corps. They're encountering unexpected resistance, but will be here soon. They promise.

[NutLoose]

Apologies for my tardiness, I totally blame alcohol…. Will read through the entries and award presently.

[NutLoose]

Ok scores on the doors

and totally so wrong it’s funny..

Kiltrash with

and finally
Not so little Tom at the back eyes up Agnes tight arse hopeing no one else notices

Buster with

"An Epstein Business card? That doesn't sound very Christmassy..."

shytorque with

Well, Hans, here is a present for sticking your finger in the dyke. She says thank you very much and Merry Christmas..

but I’m going to award it to Buster, 2nd Kiltrash and finally 3rd goes to Shy.. over to Buster.


I was thinking along the terms of “sorry Hans, we haven’t any fire crackers left, but here’s a clip of .303, throw them in the bonfire for the same effect”

or

”.303? I wanted a belt of 20mm :(“

[NutLoose]

Just a heads up, I’ve sent him a pm, but he’s probably strapped across and still stuffing the Turkey.

[Kiltrash]

Thought he would be with us, I mean not like he has the Cricket to gloat over, or perhaps commiserate 😁

[Kiltrash]

Caption waiting for Picture

At this tme of Peace and Goodwill to all, Nutty awards the Coffman Starter Trophy to Buster..

[NutLoose]

A man barely registering on the human gene pool.

[Self loading bear]

A man barely registering on the human gene pool.

My English may be up for improvement but wasn’t that a Gnome?

[Kiltrash]

All joking aside starting to get a tad concerned for Buster hope it's just a technical issue

[NutLoose]

Maybe he’s gone walkabout…. I must admit he is normally punctual. Have sent another PM. Hope he is ok.

[Ninthace]

My English may be up for improvement but wasn’t that a Gnome?
Sure its not a genome? Anyway, it dwarfs my attempt fairy enough.

[ORAC]

Well here is a freebie photo to discuss till he turns up….

I note the IP at the back doesn’t even get a seat, let alone a bang seat….


https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1089x775/9ed5beeb_00ba_4c9e_a249_8e61445ed64b_000178b9dc317fc71c234e5 ab877a627aa9d78d2.jpeg

[Ninthace]

The drive to the bottom of the catenary went without incident but then what had been a ripping wheeze proved to have a flaw - wheelspin.

[NutLoose]

Well they did say it was air portable

[NutLoose]

I don’t know, the things we get roped into.

[NutLoose]

No it’s 4 foot 3, that’s what I pegged the other side at, what have you peggged this end at?

Ooops 4 foot 9

[NutLoose]

You know they don’t call it a LAND Rover for nothing

[treadigraph]

When you said you'd show me the ropes, this isn't quite what I imagined...

[treadigraph]

When this was discussed at the bar last night, I thought it was just a line shoot...

It is...

[Self loading bear]

For the two men at the end:
Do not step off the ropes!

[NutLoose]

Wire we doing this?

[NutLoose]

Step on it, were being tailgated.

[treadigraph]

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/1089x775/9ed5beeb_00ba_4c9e_a249_8e61445ed64b_000178b9dc317fc71c234e5 ab877a627aa9d78d2.jpeg

[treadigraph]

When I said "send a cable" I meant... oh, never mind...

[ORAC]

He flew the approach as if it was on wires…

[treadigraph]

Military Communications by Cable & Wireless

(I'm assuming that being an Army Landy it'd have some kind of R/T)

[treadigraph]

Colonel, have you ever heard of helicopters?

[Chu Chu]

Very clever, Hoskins. But I ordered you to to cross at the weir.

[Kiltrash]

Top Gear Production office thought Freddie would be up for the challenge ... Chris and Paddy were a bit more reluctant

[Kiltrash]

Meanwhile up in the Blue Mountains the first wire was strung across, however the Tourist Cable Car was late on delivery

[Kiltrash]

Well it was either another disgusting eating challenge or this, said Ant..... Dec agreed, smilingly

[Kiltrash]

Well the trial was a success so lets upscale to the Niagara Falls

[Kiltrash]

Well it took the British Army to successfully cross the Darien Gap, So the traffic round the M25 should not be a problem

[Kiltrash]

Well 2 wires are needed to supply the power for the early Electric Cars, till Battery technology catches up...

[Chu Chu]

That's the "wire guided" sorted. Now we just need to bolt on the rocket launcher.

[Kiltrash]

SHOUTING...Don't worry Buster we'll be over to rescue you in a day or two
Replies...Thanks, What's your Name
Hoskins. ..
Now I'm worried

[Kiltrash]

Early shot from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ...before they edited out the wires on the final print..

[Chu Chu]

Looks like the sheaves work. If we shorten the cables and splice the ends, we'll have invented four-wheel drive.

[fitliker]

The Duke asked about mods to his landie to avoid the press around Balmoral , his better half just unleashed the Corgis

[Hydromet]

"Very good so far, now how does it handle curves?"

[Kiltrash]

Thought the towed target Drone was meant to be unmanned??

[ORAC]

“Finals, four down and welded”….

[Self loading bear]

Prince Philip inspects the first Land Rover, modified for his funeral along the strict lines as set out by HRH himself.

[cavuman1]

Red Bull may give you wings, but Landy gives you wires!

- Ed

[cavuman1]

Moments earlier, the crowd screamed as the out-of-control vehicle plowed into the precariously-balanced Wallendas, sending them to the river below.

- Ed