Caption competition

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

I actually felt sorry for these guys....."photos to show my grandkids of my time in the navy.....me at the helm of a battlecruiser...no.....me hoisting the battle ensign...no...me at the Spithead Review...no....me in a toilet wearing a mattress...."

[CoffmanStarter]

Many thanks Traffic ... you are clearly on the same wavelength ;)

Here we go then ...

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/07/31/article-2381996-1B14BDAE000005DC-536_634x709.jpg

Image Credit : As Shown

I reckon this is going to be fun :E

A bit of context ... the Sh1te Hawk is Zephyr and is the Army Air Corps Mascot ...

Usual high standards of innuendo, double entendre and comical reference to body parts etc ... :}

Coff.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

First one to blink.......

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

The other is Charles, and is the House of Windsor mascot.

[jwcook]

To be fair its not the ugliest bird he's had on his arm!

[Buster Hyman]

Mate, I'll piss on this arm too if you keep looking at me like that!

[Buster Hyman]

When I get airborne, I'm King of all I can see. What are you King of big ears?

[Danny42C]

"Wotcha, cock !"

[PingDit]

"I say! Are you certain we're not related?"

[dazdaz1]

"Who's a pretty boy?" "come on, say hello Charles"

Bird; "fack off"

[Buster Hyman]

Birdie num, num...

[DirtyProp]

What'cha lookin at, white boy?
Stop staring or I'm gonna wup yo a@@...

[Hempy]

Whose family has the longest English heritage?

[CoffmanStarter]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/07/31/article-2381996-1B14BDAE000005DC-536_634x709.jpg

[Danny42C]

"Here's looking at you, kid !"

[vulcanised]

Those ears look tasty.

[ShyTorque]

"That's one heck of a beak you've got there!"

"How dare you, I'm the Prince of Wales....!"

[NutLoose]

I might only be a bird, but I don't piss over my sleeve when I go to the toilet.

[Wensleydale]

After failing to find swan for HRH's packed lunch, the inflight chef had improvised.

[ValMORNA]

Sorry, no, you can't have some of my feathers to cover your bald spot.

[CoffmanStarter]

Nice leather glove ... At the 'Blue Oyster Bar' last night were we :ooh:

[NutLoose]

"But one thought the official RAF mascot was an albatross"

[NutLoose]

"Camilla always said one had a little pecker, wait until she sees you"

[Buster Hyman]

Not the Craw, THE CRAW!!!

[Stanwell]

Look mate, (what's your name again?), say that again and I'll....

[Buster Hyman]

Race 5, number 7, put a fiver each way. I'm telling you, I got it straight from the Horses mouth...he was delicious by the way...

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

So, one is a Bald Eagle eh?
No, I'm the Prince of Wales.

[CoffmanStarter]

Birdie ... "That's a bit rich you calling me Conk Beak" :}

[CoffmanStarter]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/07/31/article-2381996-1B14BDAE000005DC-536_634x709.jpg

[Danny42C]

"I don't like the look of him !"

[NutLoose]

Where eagles dare what?



.

[Danny42C]

"Isn't it about time you cut your toenails ?"........."How can I with these handcuffs on ?"

[Danny42C]

"Operation Eagle's Claw ?"


No 608 (North Riding) Squadron http://www.rafweb.org/Sqn_Badges/608Sqn.jpg




Translation (Official): ......"With All My Claws"

Translation (Unofficial)....."All Balls"

[Arm out the window]

Jolly good - all one needs now is a few more of these feathery blighters roped to one's personage all flapping at once and the prize for grandest entrance of the century to Royal Ascot will be in the bag!

[NutLoose]

Don't worry, I'm used to having an old crow on my arm.

[Buster Hyman]

Chuck: "You can look at me like that all you want, but you go back into a cage afterwards"
Sam: "I'd rather be in a cage than face what you go home to!"

[Buster Hyman]

"look. I've been staring at you for over an hour now, and I just can't see Harry at all!"

[Danny42C]

"Noah had a dove to send out - look what I've got !"

[Wensleydale]

"...and then I pop this chap into Mummy's bedroom. Valar Morghulis!"

[CoffmanStarter]

So they trained you by putting a bag over your head and keeping you in the dark ... me too brother :uhoh:

Keep em coming Gents ... :ok:

[Danny42C]

"A dull life this, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare"

[PingDit]

"At least I flew here.... I see you've left your cycle clips on the seat!"

[DirtyProp]

Camilla, my dear!
I didn't expect you to be here as well...

[NutLoose]

"You do realise Falconry is the sport of kings, so WTF are you doing here?"

*********

"You do realise Falconry is the sport of kings, so you better **** off before someone see's you."

[Danny42C]

"Hail to thee blithe spirit - bird thou never wert"

[Stanwell]

"Don't give me that ****e!"

[Buster Hyman]

"Got it, two Corgis. Usual fee?"

[Pontius Navigator]

Buster :D. .

[Wensleydale]

"Don't feed him on corgis - I can't control him after he's been on shorts!"

[Wensleydale]

You can't fly him here - purple airspace has been declared don't y' know!

[Danny42C]

Is this the Golden Eagle which comes up with our monthly pittance ? If so, could one whisper in its ear that one could do with a bit more ?

[jwcook]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/07/31/article-2381996-1B14BDAE000005DC-536_634x709.jpg

What do you bloody mean its trained to kill heirs!

Errrr... thats Hares Sir

[Hempy]

'My God you are ugly bird'...

'pssst... she's on your opposite shoulder Your Royal Highness...'

[Buster Hyman]

Seriously? Double breasted? You do know it's 2015 don't you?

[Wensleydale]

"My Great Uncle was pictured on a swastika - how about yours?"

[mr fish]

you're a hunter??


don't get no idea's....you're grounded!!




FISH.

[Wander00]

Wensleydale - that is brilliant, only IMHO of course

[PingDit]

"I'm not sure I can talk to you for much longer, I know mummy's got a sign on the gate that says 'No hawkers or circulars' and I wouldn't want to get into trouble!

[Danny42C]

"Camilla wanted a budgerigar, but I think this would impress one's Mater a bit more the next time she comes round !"

[CoffmanStarter]

Good morning Gentlemen ...

Now that I've finally been able to access High Speed Broadband here in the Tower of London ... Judging will be tomorrow morning UK Local :ok:

Best ...

Coff.

PS. Bonus Points are still available for anyone who can 'seamlessly' incorporate a humorous link to the Army Air Corps :E

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Yes, I know, Zephyr is hardly a name to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy, but then, have a look at the glove you're wearing.. ..very butch!

[Buster Hyman]

Not the Corps, THE CORPS!!!!

[Wensleydale]

Surely the Army Air Corpse should have a vulture as a mascot?

[Arm out the window]

That Power Rangers suit Camilla bought me was a bit of a fizzer in the bedroom, but by jingo, the glove certainly works a treat here!

[Buster Hyman]

Due to downsizing, Prince Charles gets to hold the last aviation remnant of the Army Air Corp.

[Danny42C]

Coff (if I may be so bold),

I wish you were a bit tidier in this cell of ours ! Who do you think will be the first for the chop ? If it's you, can I have your gruel ration ?

Danny.

[Roadster280]

Bonus Points are still available for anyone who can 'seamlessly' incorporate a humorous link to the Army Air Corps :E

What's that you said Sir? The Royal Air Force are even more junior than the Army Air Corps on parades?

[Buster Hyman]

Do you realise your briefcase is open....and it's under your left arm... :E

[PingDit]

"Army Air Corps? Never heard of 'em!"

[Stanwell]

Oh, I see - the AAC...
So that's why your hood has that little colourful whirly thingy on top?

[NutLoose]

Ahh so that's why they call you all Teeny Weany Airways...

[NutLoose]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/07/31/article-2381996-1B14BDAE000005DC-536_634x709.jpg



Yeasss, one has to keep this glove on at all times, Camilla does not like cold hands when i'm fisting her...

[NutLoose]

"Yeass, Andrew told me about these dogging events, and that if I came along I'd pull an old bird, but you're not what I was expecting"..

[NutLoose]

"Can I be your tampon?"

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

I say, the stick rather seems to have fallen out of this duster.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Look, you're the heir to the bloody throne. I'm the noblest of the raptors. Surely we can at least get out of the bloody rain?

[CoffmanStarter]

Good morning Gentlemen ...

It's now getting a little crowded here in the 'Tower' following this round of CapComp ... and three more of you are just about to join me and Danny :}

Danny ... sorry old chap ... I'll try and rinse my socks out a bit more often :ok:

3rd Place Buster ...

"Got it, two Corgis. Usual fee"

2nd Place Wensley ...

"My Great Uncle was pictured on a swastika, how about yours"

1st Place J W Cook ...

"What do you bl00dy mean it's trained to kill Heirs ! ... Errrr ... That's Hares Sir !"



A special mention with maximum bonus points for the best Army Air Corps comical reference goes to Roadster280 ...

"What's that you said Sir ? The Royal Air Force are even more junior than the Army Air Corps on parades ?" :E


Over to you Captain Cook :ok:

Best ...

Coff.

PS. I've now blown any chance of receiving a Knighthood, OBE or MBE ;)

[Wander00]

Nice one - well done, all

[Roadster280]

Thank you Coff for the MiD. Clearly I was never going to win with that one, but you did ask... :)

[jwcook]

Well thank you kindly, quite a responsibility... try this one!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/kardel/IMG_3531_zpse4881e14.png

[Buster Hyman]

Captain. It is not logical to put furry dice on the bridge!

[Buster Hyman]

We're taking them to the Enterprise's head sir. They're for removing Klingons...

[Buster Hyman]

I have been, and always shall be, your Furry Friend...

[Wensleydale]

This is what happens when you leave silica gel inside a Vulcan!

[NutLoose]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/kardel/IMG_3531_zpse4881e14.png


"We've inspected Busters room as you requested Sir, but all we found were all of his damned wigs."

[NutLoose]

"As I said, Starfleet regulation 119a clearly states all female personnel must be clean shaven, now what would you have us do with all of these hairy muffs Sir?"

[Buster Hyman]

I wouldn't worry about this being on your permanent record Sir. In the future, they'll be saying "If you remember the 60's, you weren't really there!"

[Buster Hyman]

Nutty assures me that these were the last one's he'll cough up!

[Dan Gerous]

Mr Scott has come up with an interesting solution Captain. A culinary dish loosely based on something called haggis.

[ShyTorque]

"Told you we shouldn't have brought that damed Persian cat along, Cap'n - worst case of furballs ever!"

[NutLoose]

"Jim, Mr Scott was only following your orders when you told him to beam up some more pussy, unfortunately a transporter malfunction means they have arrived all dead."

[NutLoose]

"Jim, you and Mr Scott may find them soft and fluffy, but I find nothing endearing about Klingon scrotums"




..

[Roadster280]

Captain, you won't discover this for another 40 years, but eventually, you will be famous for wearing a toupee. Mr Scott here has some samples for you to try.

[NutLoose]

"They're furry oyster's Jim, a delicacy in this quadrant, Ensign Coffman picked them up on his last visit to the Blue Oyster Bar..."

[NutLoose]

"Toupee or not Toupee, that is the question"

[NutLoose]

"I said we need some Kimwipe not quimwipes"

[Buster Hyman]

We found these in Ensign Sulu's quarters. When I asked the Ensign why they were in his bed, all he said was, "Oh myyy..."

[Stanwell]

Yes, I'm sorry, this is all catering could provide us with - but I'm told they're delicious with hollandaise sauce.

[Wensleydale]

They have arrived from Starfleet. They say that we no longer have to "Baldly Go Where No Man has Gone Before".

[Wensleydale]

I think that they are something to do with Ground Attack: the label on the box said "Mudd Moving".


(You need to be a Trekkie to remember that one).

[Wensleydale]

They are to be delivered to Tribble One Squadron!

[CoffmanStarter]

Typical ... This is what happens when you put the Air Eng in charge of Aircrew Rations :ugh:

[CoffmanStarter]

No Mr Scott ... The Enterprise FRC's clearly use the 'mnemonic' Hairy Balls for the pre-orbital checks ... These are Furry Balls :}

[CoffmanStarter]

You idiots ... I said 'Man the Pom Pom Gun' :rolleyes:

[TyroPicard]

Quartermaster has run out of jerkins, Captain .. will merkins do?

[CoffmanStarter]

Mr Spock use all sub-space hailing frequencies and contact the Army Air Corps ... We need that bl00dy Eagle back :}

[Wensleydale]

Crackerjack was so much easier when they used cabbages for the Double or Drop game.

[Wensleydale]

We have entered a time warp captain....the costume department have sent in the sample wigs for Patrick Stewart and the series has not even been commissioned yet!

[PingDit]

"I'm afraid I can't control it Captain. Ever since the Doctor gave me that medicine, every time I cough one falls out of my ar5e!

[ShyTorque]

"Cap'n, she's canna take it....she's gonna blow!"

"Scottie, you mean the main reactor?"

"No, Cap'n......I mean the candy floss machine!"

[Hempy]

The trouble with Tribbles, Captain, is the Klingons around Uranus.

[Buster Hyman]

As inanimate objects go Captain, they still make for better actors than you...

[CoffmanStarter]

I don't care what the Parachute Regiment say ... 'Health & Safety' requires the wearing of earplugs when traveling on the cargo deck. Have the Loadmaster 'insert' them if necessary Mr Scott :eek:

[jwcook]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/kardel/IMG_3531_zpse4881e14.png

Goddamitt Spock don't be so literal, I know I said I would have Scottys big hairy balls on a platter if he left fixing the engines till the last moment again!

[jwcook]

Its Minge Jim but not as we know it!

[jwcook]

Captain we suspect someone has been cheating at the coconut shy!

[DirtyProp]

Alright, who messed up with the Transporter frequency again?

[Wensleydale]

Captain...I fear that we have stumbled across a factory attempting to replicate Donald Trump!

[brokenlink]

Captain, do we have enough string to put ALL these up in place of dice in the bridge windows?

[jwcook]

Its illogical captain - But everytime we transport the Williams sisters to Wimbledon these are left behind!

[Arm out the window]

"Lt Uhura seems to be having a particularly heavy time of it this month, Captain - we may need to get Dr McCoy to look into some kind of plugging procedure if this keeps up."


OR:


"That new Starfleet academy cadet - what's her name, Carrie? - has certainly turned out to be a little less meek and mild than she first looked!"

[Big Pistons Forever]

Kirk: Starfleet says get rid of them the same way they deal with personal overages, PVR them.

Spock: "petting very roughly" is not a logical course of action.

[Buster Hyman]

Captain, I think Mr. Scott misunderstood "All you can eat buffet" with "All you can eat Muff, aye!"

[jwcook]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/kardel/IMG_3531_zpse4881e14.png

Its the strangest thing captain, no one with a red shirt wants to come down to the planet, Not even for free hampsters!!

[Buster Hyman]

Captain. As a Canadian, I thought you'd understand their usefulness...

[Buster Hyman]

We're taking them to Dr McCoy's Meth lab to see if we can't convert them into Dilithium Crystals.

[PingDit]

"OK, we've got them Captain but what would you like us to do with all the yaks?"

[NutLoose]

"They're gerbils Jim, it's the latest craze , they are seeing how many one can push up ones ass on the mess deck. Mr Scott currently holds the record, he has 7 in at the moment.

[jwcook]

Short and sweet is the way so its Judging time..


Honourable mention to Roadster280 with Captain, you won't discover this for another 40 years, but eventually, you will be famous for wearing a toupee. Mr Scott here has some samples for you to try.

Third Place is Buster with "We're taking them to the Enterprise's head sir. They're for removing Klingons... "

Second NutLoose "Jim, Mr Scott was only following your orders when you told him to beam up some more pussy, unfortunately a transporter malfunction means they have arrived all dead."


But first place is Wensleydale with 'They have arrived from Starfleet. They say that we no longer have to "Baldly Go Where No Man has Gone Before"'.


Good stuff Wensleydale, I thought you were robbed with the Eagle comment:), over to you.

[Wensleydale]

Thanks JW. Lets try this one....


https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10390468_673287679386167_904955947813470439_n.jpg?oh=ed3b230 07e335d4dde8e549e64b50fd0&oe=5636BF45

[CoffmanStarter]

Well played all ... :D

[Danny42C]

Pfc Hoskins had entered a State of Suspended Animation - having forgotten his ammo !

[CoffmanStarter]

"Enemy aircraft overhead three rounds rapid fire" ... Open 2,3 ... Out 2,3 ... Bang 2,3, Bang 2,3 Bang 2,3 ... In 2,3 ... Close 2,3 ;)

[Hempy]

Sgt, why doesn't it make a noise when I pull the trigger?

You don't really think we'd give you a loaded weapon, do you Buster?

[Danny42C]

"So now we know where the Vaulting Pole got to !"

[Danny42C]

Leprechaun at back watches out for incoming.

[Buster Hyman]

I bought a Jeep.
You bought a Jeep?
I bought a Jeep.

[Buster Hyman]

How the F%#$! do you cock this gun???

[Buster Hyman]

Nutty liked nothing better than driving whilst facing backwards & steering with his arse!

[CoffmanStarter]

I say Carruthers the Pheasant Season has started early this year what ... what ...

[Danny42C]

"I told you it was a bad idea to "try one round to see if it worked". Now you've gotta clean the gun - and what are you going to say to that limey Prince Charles when he finds his eagle down with a .50 slug in it ?"

[Buster Hyman]

We're going to sell them to the French. It's easier to retreat driving forwards, whilst having the gun facing backwards...

[Roadster280]

"Dagga dagga dagga" :E

[ShyTorque]

"Today - Stukas.
Tomorrow - BMW drivers!"

[cattletruck]

"start ya' bastard"

[Pontius]

"This'll be the last time a Hunter tries flying over this intersection"









He's a good mate of mine, before any of the 'bad taste brigade' start their predictable and inevitable whining

[Buster Hyman]

Ooh...too soon.

[Hempy]

He's a good mate of mine, before any of the 'bad taste brigade' start their predictable and inevitable whining

Regardless, it ain't funny..

[NutLoose]

I'm sure we hit that 50cal position

[Pontius]

Regardless, it ain't funny..

We all have differing humour. I await your next side-splitting caption with bated breath. Hopefully it'll be better than your previous offerings :rolleyes:

[Danny42C]

"I do not know the effect these troops will have on the enemy, but by Gad they frighten me !"

[PingDit]

"Sarge! Help!... My braces have snapped again!"

[Wensleydale]

This photo seems to be a slow burner, and so I'll judge tomorrow.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Is that a douche and a half?
No, it's a Dodge
I wasn't asking about the truck.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Hey fellas, what do we do if the enemy is in front of us?

[Danny42C]

"There a' was, hangin' on me skyhooks "

[Danny42C]

"They gave me a suspended sentence !"

[Buster Hyman]

I came in like a wrecking ball....

[Wensleydale]

Very few entries arrived for this one, so I'll judge it now. Shame that there were no nods to the new top gear with Chris Evans' first challenge to build a vehicle to keep Clarkson away. (Or even the F1 judges commenting on the legality of the new front and rear spoilers on Jenson Button's McLaren, hastily designed to stop other cars from overtaking).


However, I will declare victory to Coff with his tribute to Dad's Army:




"Enemy aircraft overhead three rounds rapid fire" ... Open 2,3 ... Out 2,3 ... Bang 2,3, Bang 2,3 Bang 2,3 ... In 2,3 ... Close 2,3

Thanks for those entries that did come in - I will try to find a better photo should I be fortunate enough to win in the future.

[Buster Hyman]

'Twas a good photo Wensley. It just happens that sometimes people aren't on or just plain busy.

[CoffmanStarter]

Many thanks Wensley ... It was a good pic :ok:

Here you go chaps ... hopefully plenty of scope for some creativity :E

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

Image Credit : IWM

[Arm out the window]

"Bally chap on the other end had the nerve to ask me if I'd bothered turning it off and on again!"

[Buster Hyman]

"Is that for real?"
"No Ginger, there's just two Reals"

[Wander00]

No, Sir, I don't think these computer thingies will ever catch on either

[Wensleydale]

Dashed annoying what! Our one decision of the year and we don't have enough stars here to authorise the new £2m Logo for Training Management.

[Wensleydale]

Meanwhile, at the Manning Office.....


"According to the PVR tote, we are the lowest ranking officers left in the RAF".

[NutLoose]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

"We got it from a Space 1999 prop sale, it does sod all, but it impresses the hell out of the Yanks"

[NutLoose]

"It's to generate Lottery numbers, we needed to find someway of boosting the budget"

[NutLoose]

"Ever since we got it all I ever get on this damn phone line is Pshhhkkkkkkrrrr​kakingkakingkakingtsh​chchchchchchchcch*ding *ding*ding whiiiirrrrrr shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !"

[NutLoose]

"It's supposed to generate forward planning"
Good God man, do you mean this is to replace the decision dice?"

[NutLoose]

"Its my chuff chart with days to do, when it reaches zero it bangs me out through the hatch in my ceiling

[Wensleydale]

How long does it take to cook a Compo Sausage?

[Wensleydale]

The red button sends the command to instantly launch all the V-Force with no recall while the green button orders the Mess to send me up a cup of tea.........or was it the other way round.

[Buster Hyman]

I saw something similar in Ed Strakers office...it's called a calculator!

[Wensleydale]

To be honest, I preferred the plotting table with its bending over WAAFs!

[Buster Hyman]

We're calling it...the TURDIS!

[CoffmanStarter]

I've told you before Group Captain ... This is an Air Ranks Only Launderette :=

[NutLoose]

"Yes, it's the future, they're calling it Decca Tans, BAe have miniaturised it for us, though we are having problems installing it and the moving map display you see behind you in the cockpits, but BAe assure use they can modify our cockpits to fit it in"

[CoffmanStarter]

The Officers Mess Christmas Draw is going to be a bit more high tech this year :suspect:

[dazdaz1]

Run this pass me again, your saying the chicken korma will be fully heated in 2.5 mins?

[Wander00]

Right, now planning for this retirement do for several "stars", we start with all of us in the cockpit of the Dakota, that should work OK, then at the Dining Out, everyone will have a little styrofoam Tucano to fly

[Buster Hyman]

It's all they'll let us have from the TSR 2...

[Hempy]

Pontius has shown his 'class' in replying to the CapComp, chaps.

Computer says 'no!'.

[ACW599]

"No, Sir -- air cadet gliding is still paused and the AEFs are all stood down".

[CoffmanStarter]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

[Wander00]

No, Sir, the big number is the number of volunteer gliding instructors who have quit since I stopped Air Cadet gliding and the even bigger number is the number of cadets who have left. The small number is the amount of money saved.........

[Flap Track 6]

Because we've outsourced all our support functions to Babcock, nobody here has the foggiest idea how to switch it on. I've got them on the phone, but it just says I'm number two in the queue.

[CoffmanStarter]

Well ... as far as I can tell Sir, you can have a ...

Affogato, Americano, Café Bombón, Café au Lait, Caffé Corretto, Café Crema, Caffé Latte, Caffé Macchiato, Café Mélange, Cafe Mocha, Cappuccino and Espresso

I just want a Standard NATO and make it snappy Group Captain !

[Danny42C]

"It'll never fly !"

[Danny42C]

"It's a freebie we got from ICEA when we bought the desk...."

[Danny42C]

"Well, it said: 'requires simple home assembly'. Why won't it work ?"

[Wensleydale]

Will it still give approval for the new curtains for my quarter?

[Pontius Navigator]

Not a joke, but Arthur (Boots) Giffiths on the left and Wallace Kyle seated. The tote is I think a combined BMEWS, SAC, and Bomber Command alert and readiness tote. Wensleydale wasn't that far out. Boots next tour was as OC Waddington.

[Wensleydale]

PN...The model Vulcan was the giveaway!

[Tashengurt]

"Gentlemen. I give you the BAe doorbell 2000."

[Danny42C]

"I think it Tells Your Weight, Sir !"

[Danny42C]

"Why don't we have a Competent NCO to work this thing ? - can't expect us to operate it, what, what !"

[NutLoose]

BAe tells me it's cutting edge and by running it on Windows 3 they say it will be hacker proof.

[Danny42C]

"No, Carruthers - I think it's telling us that the Natives are Restless Tonight".

[NutLoose]

"The awfully nice chappy from BAe called it Skynet or some silly name like that and told me it's a self learning system, he muttered something about it becoming self aware at about 02:14 am Eastern time"


..

[Stanwell]

"We'd been having a bit of a problem with staff reliability lately - so, I'd like you to meet Group-Captain HAL."

[Danny42C]

"The Manual says it can give you the Test Score - but I can't find the page !"

[ShyTorque]

"Keep trying, old chap. Unless it stops at four cherries before the end of this financial year, we'll have to can another three squadrons"

[Flap Track 6]

Forfar Athletic 2, Queen of the South 2.
Bloody Hell, sir, you've got eight score draws - get on the phone to Littlewoods, quick!

[CoffmanStarter]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

[Kiltrash]

Yes I have told support all it says is, "Nothing could possibly go wrong..go wrong..go wrong..go wrong

At last the first transmission still from the remake of Dr Stangelove's War room

[Pontius Navigator]

Well it fits the door perfectly, but how do we get out?

[Danny42C]

"When shall we three Meet Again ?"

[Danny42C]

".....and all his men. Look'd at each other with a wild surmise - Silent....."

[Danny42C]

Pip, Squeak and Wilfred ?

[Arm out the window]

"Oh Deep Thought, what is the answer to life, the universe and everything?"

"Side parts and brylcreem, boys - as if you didn't know!"

[Danny42C]

"Will the last man to leave the Air Force please turn me off ?"

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Rum do, chaps! According to the techy fellow on the line here, it won't turn on because all the power points were installed on this side of the office.

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

So if nine leprechauns come up, it pays how much?

[Danny42C]

"So what did BAE quote us for this ???"

[Danny42C]

"What sort of a Warranty came with this, anyway ?"

[jwcook]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

"It's MI.6 on the blower, apparently there is a covert Russian listening device installed in the room, have we noticed anything suspicious?"

[PingDit]

"Apparently, the hooks on the other side of the door automatically weigh what's on them and the little windows this side can then tell you how many coats you've got hanging up...ingenious!"

Hat, Coat...

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Madame Tassauds latest exhibit: "How the RAF won the Cold War", fails to excite the public.

[Danny42C]

Study in Still Life ?

[Buster Hyman]

Tea...Earl Gray....Hot!

[Buster Hyman]

...and in a few hours, we'll have the first waypoint for refuelling on the way to the South Atlantic.

[Buster Hyman]

Nuttys Caption-o-matic was running slow today...

[Danny42C]

"Ingenious, these Chinese !"

[Roadster280]

Well Sir, it's a Top Secret future prediction device.

The two digit line is the number of squadrons we have. The second line is the number of stations, and the third line is the number of aircraft. The last line is the years remaining until 2018. The name of the game is to not let any of the first three lines reach zero before the fourth one does.

[DirtyProp]

Gentlemen, the poor guy's been on hold for 15 minutes now.
I know it's a tough one, but please make up your mind!
What's it gonna be? Margherita, 4 Cheeses, Pepperoni?

[CoffmanStarter]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

[Buster Hyman]

"Lads. Mallory's on the blower. He wants to know how his 'Big Wing' is going? Also, what was that big ding I just heard?"

[PingDit]

"Yes...we hope you approve Sir. It's got the different absorbency incontinence pads you asked for on the right, but the installers seem to have also put something called 'Tampax' into the left hand slot. It's left us in a bit of a hole but we've got DI3 working on that!"

[Burnt Fishtrousers]

How embarrassing chaps... a Group Captain, an Air Vice Marshall and an Air Chief Marshall all present and we cant even muster 50 bloody pence for the electricity meter

[jwcook]

Its called an R2D2 and according to BAESYSTEMS it is the droid the Empire is seeking..... I'll just ring Lord Vader.

or

Embarrassingly their map reading skill were quite rusty, none of them could name any of the oddly rectangular islands.

or

Latency was still an issue......"Its a bit late on the readout Hoskins" :}

[Pontius Navigator]

Well I asked it the question but the voice recognition system is taking too long.

[Danny42C]

"I told you we should have gone over to BTInfinity !"

[Fluffy Bunny]

All we did was ask it how many VSO's does it take to change a lightbulb...

[Danny42C]

"One - he holds the bulb up and the world rotates round him"

[Flap Track 6]

Yes, very funny Group Captain, but if my office door is not back by close of play today, you'll be busted back to Pilot Officer and your next posting will be as our man in Ulan Bator!

[Wensleydale]

It does not meet the requirement because it doesn't go "Bing" when the light goes on! Scrap it and order a new one - it only cost an extra £20m after all.

[Danny42C]

"We've got the Three Bears - how about Goldilocks ?"

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Right, I've finally got through to the service department. Now, what happened again? You say we got the two cokes but the Fanta didn't come out and it kept the coins?

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

What's got 6 wings and no idea?

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

I can't tell the PM that all it said was 42!

[airpolice]

The chap on the 'phone is quite insistent. He says that if you stare at it long enough you will see the face of Christ appearing!

[jwcook]

"Open the Door BAE HAL"
"Sorry Dazza, I cannae do it"

[Buster Hyman]

I'll pick door number one thanks Larry.

[Pontius]

"This Naughty Words-O-Meter is rubbish. At least I can spell BOOBS on my calculator"

Or

"I know it's been a long day Group Captain but Kirk says stand forward a bit more under the panel and he'll tele transport you in a jiffy"

[Danny42C]

"Let's pull the battery out and put it back - that often works !"

[Wensleydale]

That was my bookmaker on the phone - he says that it is not that sort of Tote.

[Wensleydale]

The boffins have come up with this meetings translator. For example, if you enter "Stovepipe" here it then gives you the English meaning over there.

[NutLoose]

"I know it's supposed to generate operation and exercise names, but do you think operation big t*ts is in keeping with a modern military force?"

[NutLoose]

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/IMG_1229_zpse9bmqvog.jpg

"It's to keep us higher ranks fit, I've just been on the phone to Group Captain Vordeman to get her to come over and show us it working :E"