What's New In W. Africa (Nigeria)

[Shell Management]

One has come to expect such small minded envy from hired hands who will never rise to the exulted aviation pinacle of being a Shell Aviation Advisor.

Clearly some 'workers' have too much time on their hands and have forgotten who really pays their wages. I wonder, is an OU is slipping and actually fixing the flying programme before the first flight of the day?

If only some people could appreciate all that Shell has done for them and respect the leadership show by the incredible Shell Aircraft team.

Luckily your bitter bitching does not change the fact that Shell Aircraft is recognised worldwide for its leadership in aviation safety and Rotterdam is the place that airlines and regulators around the world turn.

The ability to smoothly change operators in Nigeria is just another example of the skill and expertise of the advisors. As I have written earlier, we will all be talking about the success of this current change for years to come.

Of course there are Celtic advisors in Nigeria currently. They are following in the footsteps of illustrious predecessors, some of whom helped make the Shell fleet in Nigeria the most advanced in the world at the time and make the Nigerian operations what they are today.

[alouette]

Ahm...skill and expertise of advisors?!? What planet are we talking about?

[212man]

I'd stop biting if I were you - it only creates more drivel.....

[Shell Management]

212man - thanks for the advice but I still hope one day we can convert some of these cynics to the Shell way.

It is certainly time Shell Aircraft was recognised for what they are.

It is also great that Shell's move to Caverton has helped revitalise this thread to be more lively than F__africa.

Long may this Shell mass debate continue!

[212man]

There's irony for you

[chuks]

Wrong, actually...

212man, irony is pretend ignorance, among other things but I think this chap just might be totally sincere! Either that or else he is channeling a former postman we all knew, loved and respected, along with his tiny Scottish companion.

Anyway, last time I looked "pinnacle" was not spelt "pinacle" so that I think we safely can go a short way with real and not pretend here. Barnacle, perhaps that is what he was thinking of, a spineless member of the mollusc family that just clogs things up while going nowhere on its own.

Too, SM is exulting (or perhaps just pretending to) but he should have written exalted for exulted or perhaps he meant excreted which sounds almost the same if you say it fast plus it makes more sense in the context of Shell.

"...Rotterdam is the place that (sic) airlines and regulators around the world turn." You got me there, SM! Turn what? Green but not with envy? Turn the way a slice of baloney turns when you leave it out in summer temperatures? Surely you do not mean "turn to" unless they are bored watching The Simpsons.

If this is comedy, well, don't give up the day job!

[graculus]

It is certainly time Shell Aircraft was recognised for what they are.

...... a bunch of overpaid, under-qualified no-hopers, many of whom have the experience of the average SFO but rather less skill. I wouldn't hire even one of them to advise me on how to run an operation because the vast majority have little or no experience of anything except their own very limited areas of operation where their studying and knowledge of the rules was their only defence against their lack of operational skill. In this particular case, their total lack of integrity is totally in keeping with the usual brown-envelope way of doing things, except with inducements of 'favoured' status with Smell for those who stay on and sign up with Caverscam, rather than the usual brown envelopes.

[Shell Management]

Its D-Day!!

Another millstone in the Management of Change plan acheived.

Those Bristow S-76s are now gone, replaced with a more Nigerian alternative service.

We might even see more efficiency with fewer flights per day too.

How is Shell pilot selection advice to Caverton-DanCopter working out?

[graculus]

.... late in the day, 30 June ....

Shell Aircraft Person (SAP) ... Well thank goodness we've finally got rid of those Bristol people with their outdated S76s. Now they've been handing out redundancy notices we'll get just the cream of their staff too - sod the rest. How nice it will be to have to only think about that fine Eecee155 which we introduced to Nigeria. ..... some minutes later ...... thinks .... thinks .... oh, hang on I forgot, these Danish boyos haven't got their helicopter here for the start of the contract yet. Not to worry, I expect they were busy eating those Danish Welsh cakes and drinking akvavit. They should be here any day from now ... oh, hang on, I forgot, those Aero boyos are doing it tomorrow. Don't forget boyos, you need to make a good impression on day one, especially as you're just a third rate Nigerian outfit, not like these fine Danish boyos we're getting. It'll be nice having all these Danes .. they have some very pretty blondes - I wonder if they're sending out some nice little lady pilots .. they'd be very impressed with my knowledge of Celtic languages. It's always nice to look at some crumpet when you're having a nice Welsh cake and a cup of tea. I must ask the Danish Unit Manager about that.

Aero Supervisor, Smell (ASS) .... Mr SAP sir, what time would you like us to have our fine, modern S76 airborne tomorrow?

SAP .... 0830 on the dot Boyo - and that's valleys time, none of your fancy third-rate operator tricks now. Remember this is Smell. We are the lords of the aviation universe, all-seeing, all knowing and you are just here to serve us in any manner we think fit. Now be off! It's bad enough that our Smell Highclass International Travelling Supervisors have to continue flying with you in your antique technology while they wait for the Doncopter Regulation Operational Smell Supercopters to arrive.

ASS ... OK MR SAP sir.....

SAP .... DUM, when is the first DROSS due to arrive? Our ****S are getting very keen on the implementation of the Nigerian Content Decree and they're looking forward to seeing only national pilots in the cockpit.

DUM ... Well we do have a bit of a problem with that, we Danes are rather pale actually. We're just getting some curtains made to hang off the horns on our flying helmets so the ****S won't notice. The pilots will all be nationals, but Danish nationals, not Nigerian.

SAP ... 'sorright boyo, we'll get Caverscam to fill 'em up with plenty of that Danskie akvavit in the VIP lounge before they go and they'll be so happy, they'll never notice. Ah, another disaster averted by flexible thinking from our Snotterdam-Trained International Fixers.

DUM ... There you are then, the STIFS have it. Another pint of Carlsberg?

SAP ... Don't mind if I do boyo, it's not a bad drop considering it's not Brains.

..... 1 July .....

0830 Valleys time ....... 0930 Valleys time .... 1030 Valleys time .... 1130 Valleys time ...

SAP ... get your sad ASS body over here, our ****S are late. What the hell's going on boyo? This is no way to behave with the Masters of the Universe Travel and Technology Section. If you think you can behave like this with we MUTTS just because our DROSS hasn't arrived yet you'll find you're sadly mistaken. We have OAS lined up to take over from you next week, we have approval to use modern French, single engined helicopters with cork lifejackets, we have the power to do anything, we are the masters of the aviation universe, we are gods, we are .....


.... falls to ground twitching and frothing at mouth

..... exit stage left

[graculus]

..... ..... 1900 Valleys time....

SAP ...Well Bendt boyo, that was quite a nice brew, considering it wasn't Brains an'all. Are you sure you never put a drop of akvavit in it? Now where's my ASS?......
ASS boyo, where's your outdated S76 with my ****S? .... Whaddaya mean they're on the Bingo? Don't they know the ****S all had return tickets and we expected them back here?

ASS ... um well, er Mr SAP ...

SAP ... that's Captain SAP to you, you little third-rate pipsqueak ... who's coat is that jacket you're wearing? Whad wedder? ....

ASS ... It's true Captain SAP, there was Combined Rain And Precipitation - CRAP ...

DUM ... You can bet a glass of akvavit to a pint of Brains best bitter that if we'd had the DROSS here they'd have made it back through the CRAP with the ****S. We normally just play Ritt der Walküren on the PA, reverse the curtains on the horns of our helmets and think of that cute little copilot Brynhildr and it all seems to work OK ... By the way Mr Caverscam Local Operations Director (CLOD), we're finding it difficult to get enough horns for our helmets because of that English mad cow disease, so Knud and Nils decided we'd have to improvise a bit and use something very pointy and a bit flexible. We think if we can get enough pointy shoes from CLOD's boys, we should be able to have everything ready by September as long as we get them finished before St Kringle's Day

SAP ... I'm not feeling too well at the moment ... are you sure you didn't put a shot or three of JUBILÆUMS into my last 6 pints? Oh dear, that CRAP must be getting to me, my head is spinning like a Llanymynech spinning jenny. I think I'll go and have a little lie down and sod the ****S. Just make sure ... oh dear, make sure... make sure ... make ....

... lies down and fails to exit stage right

[Tango123]

Are you ok mr G?

[SASless]

Perhaps the BRC Bar has gone to extended hours as there seems to be a bit of slowing of the work pace recently.

[squib66]

Only questions

Aren't the Bristow S76s now flying for Agip?

Surely the slow down only comes when the Shell Warri & PH contracts are taken over by Caverton?

Would Shell really transfer those operations if Caverton need a 3 month extension on starting with a couple of imported EC155B1s?

Are the Danish CAA really going to approve a JAR-145 line station in Lagos?

Do Shell really have a veto on every qualified/experienced pilot Caverton wants to employ?

Is this master plan ever going to work safely?

[graculus]

.... In the lands of the North, where the Black Rocks stand guard against the cold sea, in the dark night that is very long the Men of the Northlands sit by their great log fires and they tell a tale of the happenings before the helicopters arrived...

Coming soon to a Nollywood cinema near you...

Scene III. A Heath near Lagos.

Thunder. Enter 3 witches

First Witch
Where hast thou been, sister?

Second Witch
Thinking of how to tell the Smell Mushrooms what's going to happen to them.

Third Witch
Sister, where thou?

First Witch
A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap,
And munch'd, and munch'd, and munch'd:--
'Give me,' quoth I:
'Aroint thee, witch!' the rump-fed ronyon cries.
Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master o' the Tiger:
But in a sieve I'll thither sail,
And, like a rat without a tail,
I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do.

Second Witch
Na wetin she dey say?

First Witch
No idea, stir up the brew in that cauldron a bit and let's see what it comes up with .....

More thunder .... claps of lightning ..... loud bubbling comes from cauldron .... a voice stage right (faintly) ...

VSR ... envelopes, give them magic envelopes ...

... at a management meeting on a heath near Lagos ...

... so you're sure the oracle said magic envelopes?

... yes, envelopes. OK buy envelopes, lots of envelopes. Sod the expense, we'll give them one each. We'll send Bristol LIaison Management Persons (BLIMPS) to each Smell base....

... 30 June. Blasted Heaths near Warri and Port Harcourt

First Witch....

Here I have a pilot's thumb,
Wreck'd as homeward he did come.
Drum within

Third Witch...

A drum, a drum!
The BLIMP doth come.

ALL MUSHROOMS...

The weird sisters, hand in hand,
Posters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about:
Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
And thrice again, to make up nine.
Peace! the charm's wound up.
Enter MACBETH and BANQUO the two BLIMPS

... right we've got magic envelopes, one each and sod the expense. Open these and everything about your own personal future will become clear...

Mushrooms ...

... magic envelopes (one each and sod the expense) are opened..

Mushrooms ...

BLIMPS ... right now you've opened them and you all know exactly what's happening. Any questions?

Mushrooms ...

BLIMPS .. Right, that's OK then ... aside to each other communicating by means of magic conch shells placed close to their ears ... did you get any questions? ... No, they seemed a bit

... hmmm ... were we right to buy self-sealing envelopes? Maybe we should have bought ordinary ones and sealed them with magic spit .. Dunno ... oh well, they've all been told.

Mushrooms ... We need CONDOctor Managers to tell us what's happening ...

Loud chorus ... CONDOMS, CONDOMS, we need CONDOMS ..

... Part 2 coming soon to a Nollywood cinema near you. Personal copies available to pre-order on receipt of your bank details ...

[chuks]

You called?

OIC Condoms, also Chairman of the BRC Escape Committee here to help you.

How may I help you?

Please re-state your request as a question.

"Troubling deaf heaven with your bootless cries" is not one of your options since we see here that you have ticked "Aviation" as your career preference.

Have you considered a career with Shell Aviation, perhaps? Then first, how attached are you to your spine?

[Foamy Coolings]

Graceless you go wound O!

Graceless,

I have been following your fine information posts with the greatest interests and I thought you were one of the finest of our excellent men but I suspects that now you catch bad JUJU.

What is all this nonsense talk about the Magic Mushrooms and the Blimps and Scottish ladies? While I am off seat have the new Lebanon Caterers Men changed the BRC Menu and they are placing strange things in your chop?
You are acting like a Mopol who does not know whether to shoot or smoke the Pot! Stop this nonesense talk now now!

You are quoting the Wlliam Spear Shaker like he is your brother (different Father different Mother) - did he not say "The qualities of Mercy are not stained?" Where is Charity when you need her?

We all know the Caverton Pilots will do the finest of jobs for the Shell Men - are we not sending them some of our finest Managers to lead them and have they not located the Headache Harry to keep them safely on the straight and borrowed track? Have they not delayed the arriving of the men with the cows on the hats and their machines to let our Aero Brothers make some Nairas as well O?

We in Humane Resources in the Centre of Excellence are one big happy family and you must not mistake the friendly banters for the serious rivalry. We regularly flash each other handsets to discuss the prices to pay the fresh fish.

Graceless - take my best advices and stop acting like one.

FC

[Shell Management]

In addition to the ongoing successful aviation MOC, more good news is that the first shipment on LNG from Bonny has arrived in Milford Haven, Wales today on BGTBS' (Bonny Gas Transport Bermuda Shell) LNG tanker LNG Finima, a Shell managed ship, today!



Nigeria LNG Limited (NLNG) is a joint venture company established to design, construct and operate the natural gas transmission system and liquefaction facility located on Bonny Island in the Rivers region in Southeast Nigeria. Equity participation in NLNG is NNPC 49%, Shell 25.6%, Total 15% and Agip 10.4%. The plant's design capacity is 5.78 million tons per year of LNG.

Shell is appointed technical manager of the entire project through a Technical Service Agreement. It is of course NLNG, with the help of Shell Aircraft (of course), that pioneered the use of Caverton - Nigeria's new premier oil and gas aviation provider.

Lucky that no one tried to attack an LNG ship like they did the MV Polonia (12 sailors taken hostage) the other day. That would be a very large explosion.

Lloyd's executive likens LNG attack to nuclear explosion | Energy Bulletin

A terrorist attack on an LNG tanker "would have the force of a small nuclear explosion," according to the chairman of Lloyd's, a British insurer of natural gas port facilities

or

AP: LNG Tanker Attack Would Be Devastating - U.S. & World - FOXNews.com

Even with many details left out of the unclassified version, the [Sandia National Lab] report describes a harrowing potential for disaster if a terror attack were to succeed in releasing millions of gallons of LNG from a double-hulled vessel that typically carries more than 30 million gallons of the frosty liquid fuel.

The Sandia scientists identified "several credible" terror scenarios that the report said would result in at least one — possibly as many as three — of a tanker's five cargo tanks being breached. That would ignite a pool of fire to spread several hundred yards in all directions, the report said.

While "the most significant impacts to public health" and the most severe destruction of buildings would be within a 550-yard radius of the fire, heat that could burn the skin and damage houses could extend to nearly a mile away.

The government study also confirmed the possibility raised earlier this year by some scientists that a breach of a cargo tank could cause a cascading of structural breakdowns in adjacent tanks and result in a larger release of LNG and a more intense and longer-lasting fire. Such a cascading event "cannot be ruled out especially for large spills," said the report.

The study found that the foam insulation used on many LNG tankers is likely to decompose under intense heat from a fire, resulting in a heat transfer that "could lead to rupture or collapse" of adjacent tanks, adding to the cascading effect.

Good job security is in the hands of that troika of security excellence Shell, the Nigerian Navy and MOPOL.

[212man]

I gather CavDan were down in Warri yesterday giving their sales spiel to the crews, and BHL are down there today giving there news. Any feedback?

Separately, I gather the one and only BHNL S-92 TRE has resigned and is heading Eastwards shortly

[graculus]

Foamy,

I am never chopping Lebanese men nor am I a member of the British Rabbit Council, though a nice portion of rabbit and prune pie does go down very well from time-to-time . I've not been able to get hold of any mushrooms other than those tinned Chinese ones with the limited suppamakket facilities where I live. They seem to have run out of those now too! Luckily I can still get plenty of oatmeal and salt

Caverscam were round at the Smell bases in Port Harcourt and Warri over the weekend, interviewing Bristow staff as they don't seem to have quite enough of their own to actually start the contract and I hear all the Bristow pilots have been offered continued employment with Bristow. It'll be interesting to see who believes that they'll be paid all this extra money Caverscam are offering on time every month and who stays on for the certainty of pay going in on time before the end of the month. Is the pension scheme that really good one where Cavinvest put all the money in a Part 419 scheme for the members in the Cayman Isles? The offer is to continue on 6/6, but it may be worth getting in writing beforehand that it's 6 weeks on, 6 weeks off, not 6 weeks on 6 days off . I'm sure that with the tight oversight from Smell and everything they've already obviously put in place for their Management of Change for this contract all these issues have been sorted out months before the contract bid ever went in. It all sounds very reassuring when Slave Vicars talks to them in just the sort of language they're used to. He's the only expat who's lasted more than about 10 minutes with Caverscam . Certainly several Bristow staff will remember their old work mate Graham Walker who now seems to be the Quality and Safety Director of Caverscam and I'm sure this will give them a sense of reassurance . I wonder who'll be the first to resign on the promise of extra milk and honey, plus a managerial job . Caverscam managers historically seem to be high fliers who soon settle into the routine of working for Nigeria's premier helicopter and fixed wing operator and world centre of excellence. Anyone who doubts this has only to talk to John Goulash or Barry Maul and see how well they've done in their short time there so far. And just remember, on being awarded the contract Caverscam and Smell trumpeted loud and clear that this is the start of a new era with an indigenous company with indigenous staff getting a major contract for the first time . It's a funny old thing then that they seem to have more expats flying helicopters for them than ever now (unless Mexicans are classed as indigenes ).

On the issue of aircraft types the Shell strategy was clearly stated:


Quote:
Stevens says Shell will soon tender to upgrade to new-generation helicopters in Nigeria. “We want to get rid of AS332s and replace them with EC225s, [and] S76s with AW139s. And we’ll be doing this in cooperation with the NOC of Nigeria.
You will recall that the 9 aircraft Bristow have been flying will be replaced by first 8 EC155s and then finally just 7 AW139s. That is even better than was originally expected:


Quote:
It’s not just a question of safety. If you have your demand management—I mean your control of passenger movement—really sharp, with really good load factors and so on, and you replace old types with new ones, you can sometimes do the same job with one less airframe.
as Gulf and Sky Shuttle are having to do. So your initial start-up costs and operating costs are both lower.”

On the AW139 and the EC155:


Quote:
AgustaWestland has carved a niche in Hong Kong harbour with its new-generation AW139—Bristow ordered three of them at Helitech in October (two were delivered in December) and [Shell] anticipates requiring scores more over the next year or so. Eurocopter’s EC155 is also well-regarded.

I'm surprised that Caverscvam Marine hasn't taken over the contract for the LNG deliveries yet, but I'm sure the tankers are already under construction. It's certainlly reassuring that once out of the safe hands of Smell, the Nigerian Navy and Mopol those tankers with the harrowing potential for disaster similar to a nuclear explosion are docking in Sheep country, not in England or Liverpool .

212 Man,

The one and only BHNL S92 TRE seems to have had some excellent luck, but his replacement should be in place before he leaves. They really do need to get at least one spare though as quite a few pilots seem to be quitting Bristow lately.

[Mama Lolo]

Fc Make Contact Now Now Oh

thinking of you of reccent.expected you in P/H what happened?Missing you YOURS SincerelySINCERELY Yours.Rumour has it that Cavementon are all over the place-Shell WA and the IA They had the pleasure of meeting Simon @ WA.Monkey dey work, Baboon dey chop!!!!!!!!!!!The Dancaverton choppers was told should be in Country only after the NCAA inspection is done, FAA visit to NCAA is delaying the inspection trip -how true is this truth.I have not heard nothing from the Caverton guys.Confirm the correct collection center for CVs-JOE????Your B2B says hi.Oldtimers Oldtimers Oldtimers-what to say.Caverton needs you as their financial consultant!!!!Endure.MAMA DE LOLO