.... late in the day, 30 June ....
Shell Aircraft Person (SAP) ... Well thank goodness we've finally got rid of those Bristol people with their outdated S76s. Now they've been handing out redundancy notices we'll get just the cream of their staff too - sod the rest. How nice it will be to have to only think about that fine Eecee155 which we introduced to Nigeria. ..... some minutes later ...... thinks .... thinks .... oh, hang on I forgot, these Danish boyos haven't got their helicopter here for the start of the contract yet. Not to worry, I expect they were busy eating those Danish Welsh cakes and drinking akvavit. They should be here any day from now ... oh, hang on, I forgot, those Aero boyos are doing it tomorrow. Don't forget boyos, you need to make a good impression on day one, especially as you're just a third rate Nigerian outfit, not like these fine Danish boyos we're getting. It'll be nice having all these Danes .. they have some very pretty blondes - I wonder if they're sending out some nice little lady pilots .. they'd be very impressed with my knowledge of Celtic languages. It's always nice to look at some crumpet when you're having a nice Welsh cake and a cup of tea. I must ask the Danish Unit Manager about that.
Aero Supervisor, Smell (ASS) .... Mr SAP sir, what time would you like us to have our fine, modern S76 airborne tomorrow?
SAP .... 0830 on the dot Boyo - and that's valleys time, none of your fancy third-rate operator tricks now. Remember this is Smell. We are the lords of the aviation universe, all-seeing, all knowing and you are just here to serve us in any manner we think fit. Now be off! It's bad enough that our Smell Highclass International Travelling Supervisors have to continue flying with you in your antique technology while they wait for the Doncopter Regulation Operational Smell Supercopters to arrive.
ASS ... OK MR SAP sir.....
SAP .... DUM, when is the first DROSS due to arrive? Our ****S are getting very keen on the implementation of the Nigerian Content Decree and they're looking forward to seeing only national pilots in the cockpit.
DUM ... Well we do have a bit of a problem with that, we Danes are rather pale actually. We're just getting some curtains made to hang off the horns on our flying helmets so the ****S won't notice. The pilots will all be nationals, but Danish nationals, not Nigerian.
SAP ... 'sorright boyo, we'll get Caverscam to fill 'em up with plenty of that Danskie akvavit in the VIP lounge before they go and they'll be so happy, they'll never notice. Ah, another disaster averted by flexible thinking from our Snotterdam-Trained International Fixers.
DUM ... There you are then, the STIFS have it. Another pint of Carlsberg?
SAP ... Don't mind if I do boyo, it's not a bad drop considering it's not Brains.
..... 1 July .....
0830 Valleys time ....... 0930 Valleys time .... 1030 Valleys time .... 1130 Valleys time ...
SAP ... get your sad ASS body over here, our ****S are late. What the hell's going on boyo? This is no way to behave with the Masters of the Universe Travel and Technology Section. If you think you can behave like this with we MUTTS just because our DROSS hasn't arrived yet you'll find you're sadly mistaken. We have OAS lined up to take over from you next week, we have approval to use modern French, single engined helicopters with cork lifejackets, we have the power to do anything, we are the masters of the aviation universe, we are gods, we are .....
.... falls to ground twitching and frothing at mouth
..... exit stage left
Last edited by graculus; 1st Jul 2010 at 15:46.
Reason: forgot some stuff