I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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Pearce, Western Australia, early 70s… No 1 AFTS.
Ex Nav Flg Off stud doing solo circuits in a Macchi lands wheels up. At subsequent Court of Inquiry, he is asked why he didn’t heed ATC’s increasingly strident calls, first to “check wheels” and then to “GO AROUND!!!!”
Stud looks heavenward for inspiration and finds it in a truly memorable answer: “I couldn’t hear the ATC calls because the gear warning horn was so loud.”
Ex Nav Flg Off stud doing solo circuits in a Macchi lands wheels up. At subsequent Court of Inquiry, he is asked why he didn’t heed ATC’s increasingly strident calls, first to “check wheels” and then to “GO AROUND!!!!”
Stud looks heavenward for inspiration and finds it in a truly memorable answer: “I couldn’t hear the ATC calls because the gear warning horn was so loud.”
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Before 1FTS Linton undergoing indoctrination at ITC Lympstone on how to wear green hat. Adjutant magnificent in riding britches and glossy black boots sometimes took parade on big black nag.Riding slowly down line of men in dress blues and shiny buttons. Stops leans down and in ferocious hiss " Trained soldier, your buttons, they're dreadfull!"
Nervous voice back "Sir,please sir it's yor orse. Ees breavin on em sir!"
Nervous voice back "Sir,please sir it's yor orse. Ees breavin on em sir!"
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Marine Capt. whose eyesight required glasses for the first time shows up in the squadron spaces with his new USN issue BCD (Birth Control Devices, ugly glasses). Looking at himself in the mirror and muttering to himself and getting old, etc.
Female Cpl. walks by as Capt. mutters "God I’m getting old and now I look like a f**cking geek, I’m never going to get laid."
Cpl. stops and deadpan tells the Capt. "Sir, you don’t look too goofy. I’d still F**k you, if you weren’t an officer."
All other Marines in the area have medical problems stemming from attempts at stifling laughter while said Capt. attempts to effectively chew out said Cpl. Capt. later pays heavily at Kangaroo Court while Cpl. has beer mysteriously appear on her desk courtesy of the officers social fund.
Female Cpl. walks by as Capt. mutters "God I’m getting old and now I look like a f**cking geek, I’m never going to get laid."
Cpl. stops and deadpan tells the Capt. "Sir, you don’t look too goofy. I’d still F**k you, if you weren’t an officer."
All other Marines in the area have medical problems stemming from attempts at stifling laughter while said Capt. attempts to effectively chew out said Cpl. Capt. later pays heavily at Kangaroo Court while Cpl. has beer mysteriously appear on her desk courtesy of the officers social fund.
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Cranditz, 1981, and A Sqn has a USAF Capt female exchange officer. She's famous for a complete lack of a sense of humour, BTW. It is Oh-dark-30 and the Sqn is parading for inspection. One of the cadets has forgotten to tidy up the draw-string on his DP jacket.
Capt - "Soldier, you have something dangling between your legs."
Cue much irate screaming as parade collapses around her ears.
Capt - "Soldier, you have something dangling between your legs."
Cue much irate screaming as parade collapses around her ears.
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While getting fit enough to pole Chimunks around Yorkshire a Y/O has just completed a three mile run down to the Lympstone camp range from the very muddy endurance course on the moor. As he dragged his exceedingly weary way back past the drill sheds he failed to observe a compliment being paid to him by a distant squad of recruits being marched around on the far side of the parade ground by a Colour Sargeant renown for his dislike of young Sir's.
A bellow was heard echoeing across the parade ground
" Sir! We are saluting you!"
The faint but equaly audible reply was unfortunately overheard heard by a passing Major.
" So you should Sergeant. So you f*****g well should!"
Both protaginists were invited to amuse each other later in some extra drill.
A bellow was heard echoeing across the parade ground
" Sir! We are saluting you!"
The faint but equaly audible reply was unfortunately overheard heard by a passing Major.
" So you should Sergeant. So you f*****g well should!"
Both protaginists were invited to amuse each other later in some extra drill.
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Very entertaining thread! 
Many years ago our hangar was run by a particularly curt and humourless former Clydeside ship-builder who had later moved into the aviation business. He had a fearsome temper and manner, and everyone who came in contact with him, would do their utmost to avoid incurring his wrath and vengeance. He was a man of few words, but when he was angry the Glaswegian accent got stronger and liberal use of expletives multiplied dramatically!
One day in the hangar, a hapless fitter had screwed up on a project and it had been detected by the hangar boss. He marches out across the hangar to ream out his poor, cringing, victim....
Hangar Boss -(in full Glaswegian) "You f***ing worthless f***ing piece of f***ing sh**e! It dosen't f***ing matter what the f*** I give you to f***ing do, all you ever f***ing do is f*** it up, rant, f***ing rage, etc, f***ing etc."
Fitter - (cringingly) "Oh come on boss, everyone has a bad day."
In an almost sympathetic tone the Boss replies, "Aye, ye're right, I suppose everybody has a bad f***ing day now and then."
Then resorting to his normal and more typical self, through gritted teeth, he spits, "But YOU have 365 of the f***ers a year!' and stamps off to spoil someone else's day!
[This message has been edited by Cyclic Hotline (edited 15 October 2000).]
Many years ago our hangar was run by a particularly curt and humourless former Clydeside ship-builder who had later moved into the aviation business. He had a fearsome temper and manner, and everyone who came in contact with him, would do their utmost to avoid incurring his wrath and vengeance. He was a man of few words, but when he was angry the Glaswegian accent got stronger and liberal use of expletives multiplied dramatically!
One day in the hangar, a hapless fitter had screwed up on a project and it had been detected by the hangar boss. He marches out across the hangar to ream out his poor, cringing, victim....
Hangar Boss -(in full Glaswegian) "You f***ing worthless f***ing piece of f***ing sh**e! It dosen't f***ing matter what the f*** I give you to f***ing do, all you ever f***ing do is f*** it up, rant, f***ing rage, etc, f***ing etc."
Fitter - (cringingly) "Oh come on boss, everyone has a bad day."
In an almost sympathetic tone the Boss replies, "Aye, ye're right, I suppose everybody has a bad f***ing day now and then."
Then resorting to his normal and more typical self, through gritted teeth, he spits, "But YOU have 365 of the f***ers a year!' and stamps off to spoil someone else's day!
[This message has been edited by Cyclic Hotline (edited 15 October 2000).]
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In the days when it was considered that only MOs could fit flying helmets....... German exchange QFI at RAFC .... 'Vy do I haf to take my helmet to SSQ ?' answer By 20 English (and Welsh and Scots) QFIs 'To have your spike surgically removed ! ! !
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One sunny day in a far away land (just West of Blackpool) a small green helicopter approached a landing site at a camp inside the capital. On finals the LHS commander commented to his RHS (hands on) Pilot about the shape,texture and pertness of the young girls arse that he could see in the stables below. He commented out aloud and briefed the pilot on what exactly he would do with the said arse should he be lucky enough to get her into his sweaty clutches. Just prior to touching down the rear seat passenger commented also on the young girl to the now very exited LHS. "Yes Mr #"%^&!S she would 'GET IT' I suppose, but not from me though as I'm her Father. But your correct about her arse". RHS had trouble putting it down within any of the 3 marked H's!!! Now just remember DONT YOU F~~K ABOUT!!
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Similar to NNT's story;
TACEVAL endex happy hour - Laarbruch late 80's. V pizzed group of aircrew telling blunties just how it should be done. Larger than average lady enters bar. "Jesus, will you look at the size of that fat hoofer", says young pilot, "who the f**ck would marry that thing?". Chief blunty supplier (sqn ldr) says, "that 'thing' is my wife". Much shuffling of feet and staring at floor ensued.
TACEVAL endex happy hour - Laarbruch late 80's. V pizzed group of aircrew telling blunties just how it should be done. Larger than average lady enters bar. "Jesus, will you look at the size of that fat hoofer", says young pilot, "who the f**ck would marry that thing?". Chief blunty supplier (sqn ldr) says, "that 'thing' is my wife". Much shuffling of feet and staring at floor ensued.
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CFS course. Aerodynamics lesson, learning about vortices. Lecturer trying to show that speed of rotation increases the closer you are to the centre. 
Lecturer: Imagine a spider in a bath. Pull the plug out, and the water starts to spiral around the plughole. What does the spider do as it gets closer to the plughole?
- Lecturer hoping for answer “it speeds up”
Stude: It panics.
Lecturer: Imagine a spider in a bath. Pull the plug out, and the water starts to spiral around the plughole. What does the spider do as it gets closer to the plughole?
- Lecturer hoping for answer “it speeds up”
Stude: It panics.
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Chips was still around in the early 90's. I got p1ssed with him many times at Laarbruch when we both lived in the mess. Helped him move into a flat. It was up a couple of flights of stairs and I thought he was going to croak, he had gone that red/out of breath. He retired to live in France I believe. Great bloke, despite having crap eyesight (who put that hangar there?
HPT
HPT
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Nav stude at Finningley - early eighties. Batting staff (female) brings "Sir" his tea in the morning:
"Ah tea! Dis you make it?"
"Yes Mr P"
Stude whips back duvet, revealing himself and said "So are you a Goblin teasmaid?"
All I can remember is that the **** hit the fan big time - Axminster drill in front of Staish, etc.
Vaguely recall that same stude(?) was responsible for the fire alarm going off in the mess accomodation block v late one Sat and that there appeared to be more student nurses than Officers evacuating the building!
"Ah tea! Dis you make it?"
"Yes Mr P"
Stude whips back duvet, revealing himself and said "So are you a Goblin teasmaid?"
All I can remember is that the **** hit the fan big time - Axminster drill in front of Staish, etc.
Vaguely recall that same stude(?) was responsible for the fire alarm going off in the mess accomodation block v late one Sat and that there appeared to be more student nurses than Officers evacuating the building!
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Mate of mine working on the shiny fleet (Andover I believe) HM down the back, Phil the Greek in the RHS. All's quiet so the Cap'n turns to PtG and says:
"Would Her Majesty like to come up to the cockpit for a look see Sir?"
PtG "Nah, If it doesn't s**t and eat hay she's not interested."
------------------
You're All Really Useful Engines!
"Would Her Majesty like to come up to the cockpit for a look see Sir?"
PtG "Nah, If it doesn't s**t and eat hay she's not interested."
------------------
You're All Really Useful Engines!
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Idlewild(Kennedy to you young bloods)Airport on a hot Summer's day. Twelve Piston Airliners at the holding point.. no clearances...no movement ...no explanation from ATC.
Unidentified transmission......'Ah Sh*t'
ATC 'Callsign of last transmission'
Silence
Twee British voice breaks the silence.. 'Idlewild Tower this is Speedbird 069 WE didn't say 'Ah Sh*t'
Eleven other transmissions then followed in similiar vein in American, Canadian ,French and other accents.
Unidentified transmission......'Ah Sh*t'
ATC 'Callsign of last transmission'
Silence
Twee British voice breaks the silence.. 'Idlewild Tower this is Speedbird 069 WE didn't say 'Ah Sh*t'
Eleven other transmissions then followed in similiar vein in American, Canadian ,French and other accents.
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I was reminded the other night of the amazing phenomenon whereby in a pub, restaurant or mess dinner, there can be a loud general hubbub, but just as some poor sod says something ballsacheingly embarassing if taken out of context, the hubbub just happens to take a lull and the whole company hears the said embarassing comment.
The incident which brought this to mind was on Saturday night about 9 o'clock in a noisy pub in the Lake District with 2 well-oiled rugby teams making a hell of a lot of 'hubbub'. Unfortunately, all the guys seemed to stop for breath together just as some poor lass at the bar was saying to her chum "I suppose I could always sell my body." 15 minutes later after many ribald offers and much laughter, the pub returned to general hubbub.
A few years ago I was at a dinner for about 25 officers with the Colonel presiding. A gang of us subalterns were trying to explain this particular manifestation of "Sod's Law" to a Major who had never heard of this phenomenon before and wouldn't believe it.
The conversation went on for about 20 minutes with the Major eventually getting quite terse as he felt we were talking utter b0ll0cks. Sensing blood, after much discreet kicking under the table, the exasperated Major eventually blurted out (with sound effects):
hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, "So just because I was to say..." hubbub "something like...." silence "the Colonel's a w@anker ..." absolute silence!
After watching him try to explain to the Colonel for 5 (hilarious for us but ballsacheingly embarassing for him) minutes we coughed to the Colonel that it had been a set up.
He still had to buy the first round in the bar though.
The incident which brought this to mind was on Saturday night about 9 o'clock in a noisy pub in the Lake District with 2 well-oiled rugby teams making a hell of a lot of 'hubbub'. Unfortunately, all the guys seemed to stop for breath together just as some poor lass at the bar was saying to her chum "I suppose I could always sell my body." 15 minutes later after many ribald offers and much laughter, the pub returned to general hubbub.
A few years ago I was at a dinner for about 25 officers with the Colonel presiding. A gang of us subalterns were trying to explain this particular manifestation of "Sod's Law" to a Major who had never heard of this phenomenon before and wouldn't believe it.
The conversation went on for about 20 minutes with the Major eventually getting quite terse as he felt we were talking utter b0ll0cks. Sensing blood, after much discreet kicking under the table, the exasperated Major eventually blurted out (with sound effects):
hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, "So just because I was to say..." hubbub "something like...." silence "the Colonel's a w@anker ..." absolute silence!
After watching him try to explain to the Colonel for 5 (hilarious for us but ballsacheingly embarassing for him) minutes we coughed to the Colonel that it had been a set up.
He still had to buy the first round in the bar though.
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The moral has to be that one must be careful what you say, when you say it, and to whom. Even just some woman in traffic. Which reminds me of what an American colleague told me, when I asked him how he could be so calm when he kept being cut up by lady drivers on the freeway.
"I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently peeved the driver enough that he hung out his window and abused the woman. "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst period day of their live. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED! No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of pissing her off."
"I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently peeved the driver enough that he hung out his window and abused the woman. "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst period day of their live. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED! No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of pissing her off."