I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
Guest
Posts: n/a
Stood at a rather nice airshow in the US showing Mr Public and his little son Johnny around the electric swing wing wonder bomber. Little johnny is very excited about the jet. His father says 'what do you want to be when you grow up son?' Johnny replies 'when I grow up I want to be a fighter pilot!' Receives swift reply from crew 'you can do one but not both!'
Favourite question from same airshow:'oh, you guys are from England? how did you get the airplane here?'. 'Well madam we took the aircraft apart and put it on a very large lorry-in fact we only got it rebuilt just in time for the show'. 'Really?'she replies. 'No, not really madam -it came by train'.
Favourite question from same airshow:'oh, you guys are from England? how did you get the airplane here?'. 'Well madam we took the aircraft apart and put it on a very large lorry-in fact we only got it rebuilt just in time for the show'. 'Really?'she replies. 'No, not really madam -it came by train'.
Guest
Posts: n/a
In a gazelle, speechless procedure, also no compass/no gyro.
ATC - Speechless aircraft, adopt the callsign Speechless 1, is this a practice?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you require recovery to xxxx?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, were you formerly callsign Gazelle xxx?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you have any other form of practice emergency?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you have a single engine failure?
A/C - ...........(Completely ****ing speechless!!!)
ATC - Speechless aircraft, adopt the callsign Speechless 1, is this a practice?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you require recovery to xxxx?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, were you formerly callsign Gazelle xxx?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you have any other form of practice emergency?
A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.
ATC - Speechless 1, do you have a single engine failure?
A/C - ...........(Completely ****ing speechless!!!)
Guest
Posts: n/a
Heard in the stack at Biggin Hill one day...
Heathrow - Lufthansa xyz, cleared for the approach runway 27R blah, blah (lots of incomprehensible procedural IF-type ranting from ATCO Annie)
Lufthansa xyz - Er... Ve hef a small problem and vish to remain in the hold until we hef resolfed it.
Heathrow - Please say the nature of your problem.
Lufthansa xyz - Ve are checking der passentger manifest und ve cannot find vun off our passentgers. We seem to be missing a Herr Feinbaum.
Anon Comic - Have you tried looking in the ovens?
[This message has been edited by R O Tiree (edited 07 October 2000).]
Heathrow - Lufthansa xyz, cleared for the approach runway 27R blah, blah (lots of incomprehensible procedural IF-type ranting from ATCO Annie)
Lufthansa xyz - Er... Ve hef a small problem and vish to remain in the hold until we hef resolfed it.
Heathrow - Please say the nature of your problem.
Lufthansa xyz - Ve are checking der passentger manifest und ve cannot find vun off our passentgers. We seem to be missing a Herr Feinbaum.
Anon Comic - Have you tried looking in the ovens?
[This message has been edited by R O Tiree (edited 07 October 2000).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
Heard this from a wartime and post-war RN officer..
Naval exercise somewhere, silent procedures, dark and murky, nil vis.
R/T 1.. '(crackle)day..Position blah..
R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'
R/T 1 'Position blah..'
R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'
R/T 1 'F@** you and f*** your silent procedures. I have been rammed and I am sinking'
R/T 2 then maintained silent procedures himself!
The vessel limped in to port leaning very much to one side and a lot lower in the water than when she set sail.
Naval exercise somewhere, silent procedures, dark and murky, nil vis.
R/T 1.. '(crackle)day..Position blah..
R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'
R/T 1 'Position blah..'
R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'
R/T 1 'F@** you and f*** your silent procedures. I have been rammed and I am sinking'
R/T 2 then maintained silent procedures himself!
The vessel limped in to port leaning very much to one side and a lot lower in the water than when she set sail.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Red Flag 92, following the standard night recovery fiasco, a USAF Colonel suggests that those with bigger fuel loads could hold off while the FJ mates recover.
'What about you B1 guys do you have any spare gas to hold off'
'Yes sir we could loiter for 7 hours!'
'Does that include diversion fuel'
'Yes sir, we can loiter for 7 hours and divert to Washington!!'
'What about you B1 guys do you have any spare gas to hold off'
'Yes sir we could loiter for 7 hours!'
'Does that include diversion fuel'
'Yes sir, we can loiter for 7 hours and divert to Washington!!'
Guest
Posts: n/a
Remember the WW2 film, the one set in a German POW camp where the cunning British inmates made a dummy prisoner to stand in the 3-times-daily parades, fooling the Germans, thus allowing a POW to escape unnoticed. It was a true story, and the dummy was made by a RN officer who died last week. His obituary recalled what happened when the Germans eventually discovered the dummy 4 days after a POW escaped:
the commandant of the camp subsequently addressed the POWs in his fractured English. "You think we Germans know f*** nothing," he told them. "But in fact," he went on confidently, "we know f*** all." It took some time to restore the parade ground to order.
the commandant of the camp subsequently addressed the POWs in his fractured English. "You think we Germans know f*** nothing," he told them. "But in fact," he went on confidently, "we know f*** all." It took some time to restore the parade ground to order.
Guest
Posts: n/a
WINTEX (a paper third world war exercise), mid eighties, HQ RCZ Dusseldorf.
At the evening Commander's briefing the (very urbane) German Oberst LO is briefing us Brits on German preparations for the 'war':
"Today, ve haf released sirty sousand million litres of water from ze Mohne Dam"
He peered up over his half-moon glasses at the Wg Cdr RAF LO and continued sardonically:
"You may remember."
At the evening Commander's briefing the (very urbane) German Oberst LO is briefing us Brits on German preparations for the 'war':
"Today, ve haf released sirty sousand million litres of water from ze Mohne Dam"
He peered up over his half-moon glasses at the Wg Cdr RAF LO and continued sardonically:
"You may remember."
Guest
Posts: n/a
West Drayton, mid 80's. Battle of Britain Cocktail Party. Mess Manager, old WO, is directing the JO's to their groups as they arrive.
New GAF exchange officer (known for his sense of humour) arrives.
"Good evening sir", beam's the WO , "losers on the right".
New GAF exchange officer (known for his sense of humour) arrives.
"Good evening sir", beam's the WO , "losers on the right".
Guest
Posts: n/a
Late 70s, Lightning mate having no coffee interview with Staish. (He had caused his GASO Exceed Warning Light to illuminate with yet another gung ho piece of flying).
The chat was pretty well one sided and concerned the threats of dire punishment, until the interjection "Excuse me sir, can you be court martialed for what you're thinking?" Of course not, don't be so bl**dy stupid" retorted the Staish.
"In that case sir I think you're a c**t!"
It happened!
The chat was pretty well one sided and concerned the threats of dire punishment, until the interjection "Excuse me sir, can you be court martialed for what you're thinking?" Of course not, don't be so bl**dy stupid" retorted the Staish.
"In that case sir I think you're a c**t!"
It happened!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Not quite military, but...
Back in the last millennium, I worked for the UK bit of the European arm of a US publisher. Every so often, we'd all run an awards ceremony together with the French and the German bits, and we took it in turns to host the judging meetings at our respective offices. My favourite was Munich, with the nude sunbathing in the parks and the beer going particularly well together. Butanyway.
The London offices were in the Cottons Centre on the south bank of the Thames, giving us a wonderful view almost directly over HMS Belfast. It was our turn to host our Continental colleagues, and we chose the river meeting room. As the editor of the German magazine came in, he glanced out and said in the finest movie German accent I've heard "Ach. Zere iz vun ve missed."
R
(the politics of those meetings were... interesting. The French nearly always sided with us against the Germans unless there was an American present, in which case European common cause was made. Still think the best way to ensure European unity would be to attempt to liberate New Amsterdam)
Back in the last millennium, I worked for the UK bit of the European arm of a US publisher. Every so often, we'd all run an awards ceremony together with the French and the German bits, and we took it in turns to host the judging meetings at our respective offices. My favourite was Munich, with the nude sunbathing in the parks and the beer going particularly well together. Butanyway.
The London offices were in the Cottons Centre on the south bank of the Thames, giving us a wonderful view almost directly over HMS Belfast. It was our turn to host our Continental colleagues, and we chose the river meeting room. As the editor of the German magazine came in, he glanced out and said in the finest movie German accent I've heard "Ach. Zere iz vun ve missed."
R
(the politics of those meetings were... interesting. The French nearly always sided with us against the Germans unless there was an American present, in which case European common cause was made. Still think the best way to ensure European unity would be to attempt to liberate New Amsterdam)
Guest
Posts: n/a
Talking to GAF Exchange Officer at Colt in early 90s during Happy Hour. Suddnely he let's drop that: "My Father, he died in a POW Camp during ze vor." Bit of a reverential silence descends until he adds in a rather fine Prussian accent: "yes, he fell from a machine gun turret."
Guest
Posts: n/a
Bruggen, 17F Sqn (TBWA) Final dining out night. End of evening and young lady from Roermond duly arrives. Wearing a very natty flg suit she starts to say goodbye in style and displays a pair of unfeasably large breasts. Much mirth around the room. Staish not happy and looking for blood, leans down top table to consult with OCA on situation.
Staish "What do you think?"
OCA "I'm not sure; I think they're real"
Not quite the answer he was looking for methinks. Cue departure of top table and much letter writing for CC.
Staish "What do you think?"
OCA "I'm not sure; I think they're real"
Not quite the answer he was looking for methinks. Cue departure of top table and much letter writing for CC.
Guest
Posts: n/a
One I remember from the 151 Sqn line book Chiv mid 80s.
ATC: Scimitar 2 can you carry out a PAR.
Scimitar2: Ugh standby I might have fuel.
ATC: (Girlie voice v sexy bird) Its for controler training.
Scimitar2: Ugh roger can you make it a Quicky.
ATC: (Husky femail voice) ugh roger I'll keep it as tight as I can.
Much mirth and phnaars all around
ATC: Scimitar 2 can you carry out a PAR.
Scimitar2: Ugh standby I might have fuel.
ATC: (Girlie voice v sexy bird) Its for controler training.
Scimitar2: Ugh roger can you make it a Quicky.
ATC: (Husky femail voice) ugh roger I'll keep it as tight as I can.
Much mirth and phnaars all around
Guest
Posts: n/a
CIC of Dutch frigate during NATO ASW exercise, flight briefing going on, German commander of taskgroup walks in and says: "And, ah vee vinning ze voh?"
Flight commander replies: "Well that must be something of a change for you."
P.S. Heard the one about Dutch Lynxes going to Eritrea?
Flight commander replies: "Well that must be something of a change for you."
P.S. Heard the one about Dutch Lynxes going to Eritrea?
Guest
Posts: n/a
<delurking for a first post> While working as a software engineer on the processor of several airborne radars, we had some GAF personnel attached to one of the development teams as engineers. (I should add that the factory site had several long, narrow buildings with thick concrete roofs and blast walls, beside the front gate. This was due to it being set up in 1943 to build Spitfire gunsights)
Our intrepid lad asked one of the Germans why he had "GAF" on his security pass, and not "Luftwaffe". Said GAF punter replied "I did not think you would understand Luftwaffe"....his GAF mate was seen creasing up into a corner......
[This message has been edited by Pontius the Non-Pilate (edited 11 October 2000).]
Our intrepid lad asked one of the Germans why he had "GAF" on his security pass, and not "Luftwaffe". Said GAF punter replied "I did not think you would understand Luftwaffe"....his GAF mate was seen creasing up into a corner......
[This message has been edited by Pontius the Non-Pilate (edited 11 October 2000).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
Student with instructor in a pile of nimbostratus over Lincolnshire in Mk3 constant thrust variable noise machine returning to flat land. Student attempting 1st ever PAR with high degree of associated sweat, condensation dripping from instrument faces, laboured breathing, sky getting darker... finally get lights and fling jet on ground.
Instructor has retained taciturn composure as aircraft is turned off runway, then...
"That was just like a Shakespeare play..." Student ruminates for good 20 secs whilst taxying verrry slowly. "Ah, 'As You Like It', sir"..."No, I was thinking more of "The Comedy of Errors'".
We don't need no educashon....
Instructor has retained taciturn composure as aircraft is turned off runway, then...
"That was just like a Shakespeare play..." Student ruminates for good 20 secs whilst taxying verrry slowly. "Ah, 'As You Like It', sir"..."No, I was thinking more of "The Comedy of Errors'".
We don't need no educashon....