I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
We had an ex-Cranditz co on the sqn. He was ultra sensitive and the easiest wind up by a mile. After a particularly cruel week, phone goes "XXX, it the stn cdr for you." "F... Off" he said.
We were not privy to the subsequent interview with the staish.
We were not privy to the subsequent interview with the staish.
Stn Cdr calls were always scope for a jape and it probably amused them, taking them back to the days when they were Fg Offs.
Except one.
At a certain excellent fighter training station in the West Country, one of the Staff Instructors had perfected the art of phone wind-ups. One of his japes was to ring his old squadron Ops desk on the GPTN phone, then quickly call them on the AFTN phone, wait until someone answered and turn the phone handsets so that the microphone of one was against the ear piece of the other....resulting in the distant Ops desk talking to itself on an impossible connection.
But we had more than one GPTN phone on the desk. So one day he called the Stn Cdr's number, let it ring a couple of times, then put the handset down. On another phone he did the same thing to the Stn Cdr's wife. Both are now expecting the phone to ring again; our hero duly obliges, then does his turning handset round trick. The resulting "You rang me"..."No I didn't, YOU rang me!"..."Well, what do you want?"..."I don't want anything, what do YOU want?" argument went on for several minutes, getting more and more unpleasant by the minute. Finally our hero leaned over his handsets and started an evil manic laugh, then cleared both phones down.
Sadly killed in a bona jet some years later, but his humorous antics were an inspiration!
Except one.
At a certain excellent fighter training station in the West Country, one of the Staff Instructors had perfected the art of phone wind-ups. One of his japes was to ring his old squadron Ops desk on the GPTN phone, then quickly call them on the AFTN phone, wait until someone answered and turn the phone handsets so that the microphone of one was against the ear piece of the other....resulting in the distant Ops desk talking to itself on an impossible connection.
But we had more than one GPTN phone on the desk. So one day he called the Stn Cdr's number, let it ring a couple of times, then put the handset down. On another phone he did the same thing to the Stn Cdr's wife. Both are now expecting the phone to ring again; our hero duly obliges, then does his turning handset round trick. The resulting "You rang me"..."No I didn't, YOU rang me!"..."Well, what do you want?"..."I don't want anything, what do YOU want?" argument went on for several minutes, getting more and more unpleasant by the minute. Finally our hero leaned over his handsets and started an evil manic laugh, then cleared both phones down.
Sadly killed in a bona jet some years later, but his humorous antics were an inspiration!
A forecaster I once worked with told me about his first telephone met briefing he was to conduct to a squadron... he was a little nervous and when the time came for him to do his stuff, his intro came out as... "Good ladies, morning & gentlemen" 
A navigator friend got some NAAFI coffee granules and mixed them with cow gum (charts for the joining of). He smeared the result on the earpiece of his boss's phone. He stood in the ops room until he saw his boss arrive and go upstairs to his office. He gave him a couple of minutes and then rang his number.
"Good morning Sir, GPO here, we're getting reports of clients getting brown sticky ears from our telephones"!
Went down well.
"Good morning Sir, GPO here, we're getting reports of clients getting brown sticky ears from our telephones"!
Went down well.
BB
To add to the fund of Ben B@(bow stories: I knew him when he was an instructor at CW in the mid seventies and he was one of the funniest and most mischievous men I knew. We got reacquainted when he turned up at Lossie on Shackletons, (a development of the Lancaster and similar looking from the ground). Having completed the Jag OcU I was in the bar at Bruggen on a Friday evening Happy Hour when in walked Ben with his Nav. I bought him beers several and some time later he asked about the Mohne Dam…I explained the Germans were still rather sensitive about it so we had to avoid the Mohnesee and definitely not below 2000 feet. I dragged a map out from somewhere after he insisted on finding out ‘where he had to avoid’ as they intended doing a little local area flying before transiting back to Lossie, a long slow process in the old bird.
A few days later we heard the story….Ben with crew agreement took off on Monday morning, flew across to the Mohnesee….let down to low level, opened the bomb bay doors and flew the same attack run over the dam that 617 Sqn had tried out in the war…….
On landing at Lossie he was met by the Stn Cdrs car, had a one sided interview( not sure if it ended up at AOC level) and was promptly relieved of captaincy and posted back to RAF Germany as the Flight Safety Officer in RAF HQ. The mayor of the local town had rung up the German Government who had complained to the British Embassy who rang the UK …etc etc etc. I met Ben some months later and heard the full story from him. As this happened in 1978 or 79 some details might be slightly incorrect ( apart from my part in the incident which I remember very clearly!) but what a top bloke . Thanks for all the humour, stories and memories Ben.
A few days later we heard the story….Ben with crew agreement took off on Monday morning, flew across to the Mohnesee….let down to low level, opened the bomb bay doors and flew the same attack run over the dam that 617 Sqn had tried out in the war…….
On landing at Lossie he was met by the Stn Cdrs car, had a one sided interview( not sure if it ended up at AOC level) and was promptly relieved of captaincy and posted back to RAF Germany as the Flight Safety Officer in RAF HQ. The mayor of the local town had rung up the German Government who had complained to the British Embassy who rang the UK …etc etc etc. I met Ben some months later and heard the full story from him. As this happened in 1978 or 79 some details might be slightly incorrect ( apart from my part in the incident which I remember very clearly!) but what a top bloke . Thanks for all the humour, stories and memories Ben.
Milked….
In the aircrew crewroom at CFS in 1986. A CFS Flight Lieutenant instructor pilot (John) on the flight who refreshed senior officers going back to flying posts had been airborne in the weather ship. Early takeoff to see what the cloud structure was like to let us send up the right instructional sorties. He bounced into crewroom with Gp Capt student who had gone up just for an extra ride. The crewroom was full of instructors and expectant students waiting to know if we were going flying…As John went behind the kitchen bar to make a brew he asked ‘Coffee mate?” There was a slight pause as the Group Captain gathered himself, rose to his not inconsiderable height and said” I know we practise a more relaxed attitude here but don’t call me ‘mate’!”…..
There was an embarrassed silence for a second until John replied” No I’m sorry sir, the milk hasn’t been delivered yet, is Coffee Mate ok?”( Milk substitute used in coffee)
The colour of the GP Captain’s cheeks and the uncontrolled guffaws from the assembled troops were a sight to behold .
There was an embarrassed silence for a second until John replied” No I’m sorry sir, the milk hasn’t been delivered yet, is Coffee Mate ok?”( Milk substitute used in coffee)
The colour of the GP Captain’s cheeks and the uncontrolled guffaws from the assembled troops were a sight to behold .
Lazarus lives! Delighted to see the resuscitation of this priceless thread, which is warmly commended to anyone who has not previously come across it. VMT Stickstirrer.
Jack
Jack
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Day 1, Nav Refresher training, 1966, instructor advises first name terms, gives his then asks for ours - Tom, Dick, Harry, then to an ex kipper fleet wg cdr, Sir?
"Yes, Sir is just fine"
Later, in kipper fleet tradition, as a senior officer, and nav to boot, he insisted that he be captain and log it as such despite only being a student of refresher. Oh he was a Wild man
"Yes, Sir is just fine"
Later, in kipper fleet tradition, as a senior officer, and nav to boot, he insisted that he be captain and log it as such despite only being a student of refresher. Oh he was a Wild man
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Sitting round in the crewroom totally bored and discussing women and sex etc like you do, one of the guys chirps up "I just cannot understand why women swallow it, it must be as salty as heck" followed by a guy in the corner replying, "no, it's quite sweet".... all heads turn and stare at him, then burst out laughing. He never did live that down.
Asking my Divisional Officer what he wanted to be if he grew up.
On being asked whether the cloudbase was fit for a display, after a B1 had nearly crashed doing a flat show at NAS South Weymouth several decades ago:
”Not sure really, I’ll get airborne and give it a go.”
Found out later that the freq was being broadcast live over the PA! It was OK in the end and I was credited with saving the air show, given the VIP suite (with free beer) and the Exec’s baseball cap - still got it!
Mog
”Not sure really, I’ll get airborne and give it a go.”
Found out later that the freq was being broadcast live over the PA! It was OK in the end and I was credited with saving the air show, given the VIP suite (with free beer) and the Exec’s baseball cap - still got it!
Mog
When asked by a 1st AirCav Logistics guy if I would haul three sling loads for him as his assigned aircraft. had gone home due to the bad weather.....and after examining his loads to be as described....Ammo, Food and Water, and medical supplies....I accepted.
Anything to show up the Cav!
Wound up with a very interesting afternoon that saw me sat in a cockpit fire after bing hit by a .51 Cal....and earning a free trip home via the Burn Hospital in.Camp Zama in Japan.
I could have quite happily missed all that fun and games had I just done as Ma Reagan suggested many years later.....by just saying "No!".
Anything to show up the Cav!
Wound up with a very interesting afternoon that saw me sat in a cockpit fire after bing hit by a .51 Cal....and earning a free trip home via the Burn Hospital in.Camp Zama in Japan.
I could have quite happily missed all that fun and games had I just done as Ma Reagan suggested many years later.....by just saying "No!".
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It’s my round, just as the other half of the trade desk guys walk through the door.
Oh he of the very short arms and the very deep pockets!
Were you known as "T-Rex" in those days?
Were you known as "T-Rex" in those days?
Me a youngish Cdr just appointed in command of a coastal forces small ship group. Barely a week in one of the ships fails it’s sea readiness inspection. The problem was the Chief Engineer who was professionally very knowledgeable but brutally bad as a leader.
So I go find the group technical officer to discuss what we are going to do with the CEng. Exasperated I ask what Fu*king moron recommended this guy for his Chief Engineer board. Just a sec he replied and pulls his file. He doesn’t try to hide his smirk as he points to the bottom of the form were LCdr BPF’s signature is clearly visible……
So I go find the group technical officer to discuss what we are going to do with the CEng. Exasperated I ask what Fu*king moron recommended this guy for his Chief Engineer board. Just a sec he replied and pulls his file. He doesn’t try to hide his smirk as he points to the bottom of the form were LCdr BPF’s signature is clearly visible……
Early 80s, West German British SSFJ base. To scare the opposition we practised Night Route Charlie sorties, in the dark, ending up with a FRA on Nordhorn range dropping free fall 28lb smoke and flash bomb to simulate a rather larger (!) weapon. On returning to the scruffs bar which was now under the O Mess I was offered a beer by a very experienced and laconic pilot from another Sqn who had landed earlier. On the end of the bar was a simulator instructor, grizzled and very experienced. Asking how his flight had gone the pilot stated not well… he had to see the Stn Cdr in the morning for a hats on interview. It later transpired that this pilot had not properly cross checked his TACAN information for the notoriously unreliable Inertial Navigation system in the Jag , let down from above cloud and flew the last part of the range run over pitch black heathland. Upon seeing the lights on the large target illuminate, then dim then illuminate (as they should) said officer released his bomb and sped away..to be told ‘nothing seen’…………
The German police quickly reported that a nearby factory had been bombed….(The investigation found that the factory had a wiggly glass roof and the caretaker had just switched off all the lights to go home when he remembered something, switched the lights back on again, retrieved his missing item, switched the lights off again and nearly died of shock when a smoke and flash 28 pounder came through the glass roof.)
On hearing of the impending one sided interview, the simulator instructor, until now quite silent, said. “How times change. When I did it they gave me a medal” Animal, if you are still around, Bravo….
The German police quickly reported that a nearby factory had been bombed….(The investigation found that the factory had a wiggly glass roof and the caretaker had just switched off all the lights to go home when he remembered something, switched the lights back on again, retrieved his missing item, switched the lights off again and nearly died of shock when a smoke and flash 28 pounder came through the glass roof.)
On hearing of the impending one sided interview, the simulator instructor, until now quite silent, said. “How times change. When I did it they gave me a medal” Animal, if you are still around, Bravo….
