I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
Guest
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Here's something I would love to say to an ATC...this really happened, late 70's, from the leader of a Rhodesian Hawker Hunter flight, and it went something like this :
6 Hunters perform 200ft, 400kt flyby of the tower without so much as a bye-your-leave, and then:
"Lusaka Tower this is Green Leader. I am taking command of your airport. Any aircraft attempting to take off or land will be destroyed. Do you understand this?"
Lusaka Tower : 'Erm, yes, understood.'
6 Hunters perform 200ft, 400kt flyby of the tower without so much as a bye-your-leave, and then:
"Lusaka Tower this is Green Leader. I am taking command of your airport. Any aircraft attempting to take off or land will be destroyed. Do you understand this?"
Lusaka Tower : 'Erm, yes, understood.'
Guest
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Several years ago at the premier All-electric swing-wing wonder bomber base located near Roermond, it was a squadron's dubious pleasure to host a visit from the Royal College of Defence Studies. Laid out on the ground in front of a jet was a reasonably wide selection of kit designed to kill people or break their stuff. The visting entourage consisted of about 20 senior officers of Wg Cdr and above, and included one particularly large breasted WRAF officer. She looked carefully around the jet before leaning on the 2250ltr fuel tank and asked the fresh faced convexee Fg Off who was hosting 'what are these then young man?'
Quick as a flash he replied 'Big Jugs Ma'am err i mean big tanks'
Quick as a flash he replied 'Big Jugs Ma'am err i mean big tanks'
Guest
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Preparing for an RCDS visit to BZN a few years ago, the organising Wg Cdr got his knickers in a right twist and did much flapping around. An Eng mate form an East Anglian base called the said flapping Wg Cdr to confirm the display standard required of their bona wing back/forward FJ.
Irate Wg cdr yells down the telling bone that the said bona wing back/forward FJ must be clean.
Said bona jet lands at BZN without a single pylon or store strapped thereon!
Pissed off ground party drive overnight to BZN in a van, painting tanks, missiles, etc as they go!
Irate Wg cdr yells down the telling bone that the said bona wing back/forward FJ must be clean.
Said bona jet lands at BZN without a single pylon or store strapped thereon!
Pissed off ground party drive overnight to BZN in a van, painting tanks, missiles, etc as they go!
Guest
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Big delta bomber transitting from Offutt to Goose in summer approached the standing CuNim line which stretched from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico. Captain decides to try to climb above rather than divert the several hundred miles to the north to avoid. (Go with the accents)
<Capt> (posh voice and hated using RAFAIR) 'Minneapolis Centre, Royal Air Force 220 request climb to avoid weather'
<Minneapolis> 'Cleared as requested, traffic not a factor, advise level'
Some mins later.........
<Capt> 'Minneapolis, Royal Air Force 220 level and clear of the weather'.
<Another Jet> 'Minneapolis Centre this is Greenback 500. I'm a KC135 out of KI Sawyer - here you got a Royal Air Force jet above the weather. D'you mind if I talk to him?'
<Minneapolis> 'You go right ahead, sir'
<Greenback> 'Royal Air Force 220, this is Greenback 500. Hear you're above the weather - what height you at?'
<Capt> 'Greenback 500 this is Royal Air Force 220 is level at Flt Level 560'
<Greenback 500> 'You say Flt Level 560 - 56,000 feet?'
<Capt> 'Affirmative'.
<Greenback 500> 'Roger. OK fellas, heads down, we're goin' through!'
<Capt> (posh voice and hated using RAFAIR) 'Minneapolis Centre, Royal Air Force 220 request climb to avoid weather'
<Minneapolis> 'Cleared as requested, traffic not a factor, advise level'
Some mins later.........
<Capt> 'Minneapolis, Royal Air Force 220 level and clear of the weather'.
<Another Jet> 'Minneapolis Centre this is Greenback 500. I'm a KC135 out of KI Sawyer - here you got a Royal Air Force jet above the weather. D'you mind if I talk to him?'
<Minneapolis> 'You go right ahead, sir'
<Greenback> 'Royal Air Force 220, this is Greenback 500. Hear you're above the weather - what height you at?'
<Capt> 'Greenback 500 this is Royal Air Force 220 is level at Flt Level 560'
<Greenback 500> 'You say Flt Level 560 - 56,000 feet?'
<Capt> 'Affirmative'.
<Greenback 500> 'Roger. OK fellas, heads down, we're goin' through!'
Guest
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Told to me by a door-slider and a bit similar to FifthColumn but here goes;
Fat Albert tanker refuelling some fast pointy thing, refuel is over so fast-pointy-thing starts showing off:
fpt "watch this..."
fpt "now watch this..." etc etc
After several minutes of "watch this etc" Albert's getting a bit pissed off:
Fat Albert "Now watch this!". Continues happily S+L.
2 mins later, fpt is unable contain his curiosity;
fpt "well? what did you do?"
Fat Albert "We just had a curry!"
Apologies to those who know the real story!
Fat Albert tanker refuelling some fast pointy thing, refuel is over so fast-pointy-thing starts showing off:
fpt "watch this..."
fpt "now watch this..." etc etc
After several minutes of "watch this etc" Albert's getting a bit pissed off:
Fat Albert "Now watch this!". Continues happily S+L.
2 mins later, fpt is unable contain his curiosity;
fpt "well? what did you do?"
Fat Albert "We just had a curry!"
Apologies to those who know the real story!
Guest
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FJJP
Hope you don't mind an old has-been joining in. (Only 4 years since I took the barrow load of dosh and I don't envy the conditions that you guys are in now)
That must have been a 27 Sqn V-Bomber - well recce in its last incarnation - as the the rest had so many coats of matt paint they couldn't possibly have achieved those dizzy heights. Besides, the 27 MRR version was the only one to be fitted in recent memory with the tubes and other dangly bits for the pressure jerkins needed for sub-stratospheric flight. Made for interesting decomp trg at N Luff, even more explosive than the usual; and the pleasures pressure breathing...aah what a joy.
What I really wanted to add though is a tale from just before the Gulf thing.
RAFG Tonka based sqn invited to UK for weekend flying to work up F3 boys imminently bound for E coast of Saudi. We were to fly a 4-ship up and and down the eastern side of UK between Leeming and the Borders acting as cannon fodder for a bunch of pink fighters. Luckilly we had some real men in F4s as fighter escort to spoil everybody's fun (after they had emptied their CL tanks that is).
When the F3s eventually pounced, after they had been told our position hdg, etc, they were soundly seen off by our escort with much radio blah that was quite incomprehensible to normal people - "pump" "eff-pole" - and wacky manoeuvres such as Polish Heart Attack (or something like that).
Anyway the outcome of one of these melees was the magnificent sight of an F3 being closely pursued by an F4, both in combat, just off the coast of Northumberland. Then the memorable, if imprudent call - "Fox 3 on the F3 over the big church...oops".
This weekend provided more "wish I hadn't...", but not all in one go, eh.
Trust this hasn't been too provcative for a first attempt.
HTB
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
Hope you don't mind an old has-been joining in. (Only 4 years since I took the barrow load of dosh and I don't envy the conditions that you guys are in now)
That must have been a 27 Sqn V-Bomber - well recce in its last incarnation - as the the rest had so many coats of matt paint they couldn't possibly have achieved those dizzy heights. Besides, the 27 MRR version was the only one to be fitted in recent memory with the tubes and other dangly bits for the pressure jerkins needed for sub-stratospheric flight. Made for interesting decomp trg at N Luff, even more explosive than the usual; and the pleasures pressure breathing...aah what a joy.
What I really wanted to add though is a tale from just before the Gulf thing.
RAFG Tonka based sqn invited to UK for weekend flying to work up F3 boys imminently bound for E coast of Saudi. We were to fly a 4-ship up and and down the eastern side of UK between Leeming and the Borders acting as cannon fodder for a bunch of pink fighters. Luckilly we had some real men in F4s as fighter escort to spoil everybody's fun (after they had emptied their CL tanks that is).
When the F3s eventually pounced, after they had been told our position hdg, etc, they were soundly seen off by our escort with much radio blah that was quite incomprehensible to normal people - "pump" "eff-pole" - and wacky manoeuvres such as Polish Heart Attack (or something like that).
Anyway the outcome of one of these melees was the magnificent sight of an F3 being closely pursued by an F4, both in combat, just off the coast of Northumberland. Then the memorable, if imprudent call - "Fox 3 on the F3 over the big church...oops".
This weekend provided more "wish I hadn't...", but not all in one go, eh.
Trust this hasn't been too provcative for a first attempt.
HTB
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
Guest
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Mister B
Who said anything about pressure jerkins? V-mate tells me that the Force did lots of things that weren't allowed, such as smoking, etc (and there is another story there!). Roly Falk wasn't the only one to roll the flat-iron, merely the first! Also in the days before F450 became the limit without a PJ.
Who said anything about pressure jerkins? V-mate tells me that the Force did lots of things that weren't allowed, such as smoking, etc (and there is another story there!). Roly Falk wasn't the only one to roll the flat-iron, merely the first! Also in the days before F450 became the limit without a PJ.
Guest
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Yes - you could actually go higher in the Vulcan without the regulators for the PJ as although you might get hypoxic if you had a RD, you wouldn't get 50mm without counterpressure. I've also astonished Spams by advising that we were cruising at FL510 and M0.88.....but the best was doing a full power climb at light weight out of McConnell with just enough fuel for Barksdale and a div. - starting at 350KIAS as we beat up McConnell:
Self: Kansas City Center, Rafair****, passing 15000 ft, request unrestricted climb
ATC: Clear unrestricted climb, call passing FL 250.
Self: We already have
ATC: Roger, advise approaching FL 350
Self: Done that as well!
ATC: DO NOT CLIMB ABOVE FL 370 UNTIL ADVISED
Self: Sorry, Ma'am we just did as you cleared us for unrestricted climb
ATC: But aren't you a bomber? What level do you want?
Self: We're happy here at FL470
ATC: Rafair ****, clear maintain FL470!!
Self: Kansas City Center, Rafair****, passing 15000 ft, request unrestricted climb
ATC: Clear unrestricted climb, call passing FL 250.
Self: We already have
ATC: Roger, advise approaching FL 350
Self: Done that as well!
ATC: DO NOT CLIMB ABOVE FL 370 UNTIL ADVISED
Self: Sorry, Ma'am we just did as you cleared us for unrestricted climb
ATC: But aren't you a bomber? What level do you want?
Self: We're happy here at FL470
ATC: Rafair ****, clear maintain FL470!!
Guest
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BEagle
I accede to your sensitivuty on the subject, although the activities were well publicised at the time. It was still a good story nonetheless, and I am told that the AOC's desk at Bawtry was rather large and imposing, and the view out of the sw window (over his shoulder) was spectacular.
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
I accede to your sensitivuty on the subject, although the activities were well publicised at the time. It was still a good story nonetheless, and I am told that the AOC's desk at Bawtry was rather large and imposing, and the view out of the sw window (over his shoulder) was spectacular.
[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]
Guest
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Location conference room on large USMC air station in CONUS. Hastily assembled squadron commanders and principle staff officers awaited the arrival of the Group Commanding Officer bearing information of extreme urgency and import. The following was passed out to the present officers.
To their surprise, UN soldiers found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
The subject of the meeting were the new definition of disrespect towards our civilian leadership (both presidential and congressional) and proliferation of said disrespectful jokes, cartoons, emails, etc. The MAG CO was not a happy camper which in turn lead to those assembled becoming unhappy.
To their surprise, UN soldiers found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
The subject of the meeting were the new definition of disrespect towards our civilian leadership (both presidential and congressional) and proliferation of said disrespectful jokes, cartoons, emails, etc. The MAG CO was not a happy camper which in turn lead to those assembled becoming unhappy.
Guest
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1. Gutersloh Mess, early 80s, upstairs Grill Room, well known dusky Harrier mate loading plate at servery - eggs, sausage, beans, black pudding..
Yank pilot in queue behind 'Excuse me, what's that black thing on your plate?'
'Dat's ma hand...'
2. Puma loading troops in field - crewman gets out to help with tricky load as Army major puts on spare head set.
Pilot 'Everybody strapped in down the back?'
Major (being helpful)'All strapped in'
Pilot transitions away without crewman onboard!
3. Puma troop brief completed - men told 16 troops in LFO is max load. Crewman counts 17. Goes to man at front and tells him that only 16 troops allowed.
'I'm not a troop. I'm an officer.'
Yank pilot in queue behind 'Excuse me, what's that black thing on your plate?'
'Dat's ma hand...'
2. Puma loading troops in field - crewman gets out to help with tricky load as Army major puts on spare head set.
Pilot 'Everybody strapped in down the back?'
Major (being helpful)'All strapped in'
Pilot transitions away without crewman onboard!
3. Puma troop brief completed - men told 16 troops in LFO is max load. Crewman counts 17. Goes to man at front and tells him that only 16 troops allowed.
'I'm not a troop. I'm an officer.'
Guest
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Gutersloh mess, mid 90's just before Anne comes to name it PRB. Huge party after re-fit; much damage done. PMC calls all livers-in to a meeting to piss on certain bonfires and voice dis-pleasure at general carnage.
PMDC "blah blah...damage blah...so if you break anything write it down on a chit and arrangements will be made to charge it to your account and nothing more will be said"
Sapper mate: "in that case sir put me down for a pint pot and a pane of glass" CRAASSH!
Nil nos...servery now called "Jumping Off Point" on mess nights. Kamakhazee Bungee!
------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
PMDC "blah blah...damage blah...so if you break anything write it down on a chit and arrangements will be made to charge it to your account and nothing more will be said"
Sapper mate: "in that case sir put me down for a pint pot and a pane of glass" CRAASSH!
Nil nos...servery now called "Jumping Off Point" on mess nights. Kamakhazee Bungee!
------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
Guest
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Allegedly...and I don't think this one is up here yet (and anyone who was there, feel free to confirm/deny whether this is just urban myth).
The GR3 element for Desert Shield arrived in theatre made up of the best aircraft/crews from the mud world. OC calls the crews together and tells them to come up with a unit name as there is no one squadron and its too big to be a flight. After a while, the crews expecting to be joined by Saudi and Italian GRs came up with "Combined United Nations Tornado Squadron".
The next day they were told to think again...
The GR3 element for Desert Shield arrived in theatre made up of the best aircraft/crews from the mud world. OC calls the crews together and tells them to come up with a unit name as there is no one squadron and its too big to be a flight. After a while, the crews expecting to be joined by Saudi and Italian GRs came up with "Combined United Nations Tornado Squadron".
The next day they were told to think again...
Guest
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On patrol in a Nimrod somwheer South of Crete
when there was still something called NEAF...
US destroyer calls up
" Mission 11, we have a radio problem, sir, request a short count..."
Mission 11 - "Roger, one"
US destroyer - " Uh, Mission 11, could we have a slightly longer count sir?"
Mission 11 - "Roger, ooooonnnnneeeee"
when there was still something called NEAF...
US destroyer calls up
" Mission 11, we have a radio problem, sir, request a short count..."
Mission 11 - "Roger, one"
US destroyer - " Uh, Mission 11, could we have a slightly longer count sir?"
Mission 11 - "Roger, ooooonnnnneeeee"
Guest
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Setting: Offrs' Mess Bar - Happy Hour, RAF Akrotiri, 1999.
One Sqn Ldr ("Mr Land Speed Record") - rather drunk. Having forced his way to the front of the queue for the bar with the words "Make way - I'm the fastest man on Land", a civilian guest took offence.
Her chance came later.
Guest: "Excuse me, don't I recognise you?"
Very smug look on S/L's face.
Guest: "You were on Countdown, weren't you?!"
His face was a picture, trust me.
One Sqn Ldr ("Mr Land Speed Record") - rather drunk. Having forced his way to the front of the queue for the bar with the words "Make way - I'm the fastest man on Land", a civilian guest took offence.
Her chance came later.
Guest: "Excuse me, don't I recognise you?"
Very smug look on S/L's face.
Guest: "You were on Countdown, weren't you?!"
His face was a picture, trust me.
Guest
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Sitting in Walter (1992), on the pan at Aldergrove, one crisp, dew-laden morning. Next to me very imposing presence of Harry Staish (Niven), reknowned for large bushy forest growing out from the top of his snout.
Whilst taxiing out, was heard to say,(couldn't resist it, indeed, as paid up member of FOLA it was my duty):
"Watch out for the hares on the nose"
I'll let myself out.......
Whilst taxiing out, was heard to say,(couldn't resist it, indeed, as paid up member of FOLA it was my duty):
"Watch out for the hares on the nose"
I'll let myself out.......
Guest
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Herc sat ready to taxi after filling the back with loads of squaddies. Engineer comes down the back and says to one of the squaddies, "Don't let them go anywhere. I'll be back in a minute." Eng then climbs the ladder and disappears through hatch in the roof. Unbeknown to the passengers, the eng re-enters the herc via the hatch in the cockpit. Seconds later the loadie appears and notices that the hatch is open. Cursing loudly he climbs the ladder and secures said hatch.
Squaddie is now rather concerned and tries to inform loadie that there is someone out the top. Loadie ignores all the protests and the aircraft taxis and completes a rolling takeoff.
After landing, the eng sticks his head out of the cockpit hatch to get the windswept effect. When the herc is finally on chocks, he runs back to the other hatch and bangs loudly. Loadie opens hatch only to have windswept and incredibly annoyed eng lay into the squaddies for making him hang onto the wing for the whole flight.
Many confused squaddies leave the herc.
Squaddie is now rather concerned and tries to inform loadie that there is someone out the top. Loadie ignores all the protests and the aircraft taxis and completes a rolling takeoff.
After landing, the eng sticks his head out of the cockpit hatch to get the windswept effect. When the herc is finally on chocks, he runs back to the other hatch and bangs loudly. Loadie opens hatch only to have windswept and incredibly annoyed eng lay into the squaddies for making him hang onto the wing for the whole flight.
Many confused squaddies leave the herc.
Guest
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Anybody remember long time ago the Scampton 'Delta' magazine that was withdrawn because of an account of a cross-pond trip to Goose with the AOC on board? Crew (inc AOC) were smoking - when magazine hit the streets the s**t hit the fan and the mag hastily withdrawn.
Anybody still got a copy of it?
Anybody still got a copy of it?