I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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Christopher Robin
[This message has been edited by ChristopherRobin (edited 21 October 2000).]
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
------------------
Christopher Robin
[This message has been edited by ChristopherRobin (edited 21 October 2000).]
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Years ago Lynx Jocks visiting a American Apache Base not long after Gulf war. Americans had the disturbing priviledge of letting two NCO pilots drive their Sim.. One a kiwi one an ex royal Anglian, After playing about for a bit the two spot some M113's on the screen.. Kiwi guy in driving seat says to ex angle iron in gunners seat.."tanks shoot em...." To which the American (very serious) Instructor gunner replies "that's blue on blue, you can't do that" kiwi guy..."well you f..king do!!" seconds latter happy hellfire blows tanks all over the place much to the amusement of the Angleiron and Kiwi and American Instructor pilot. IG not a happy teddy.
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Early 80s, evening F3 sortie, England playing soccer against an 'unknown' team by the name of San Marino (Population 15 and a donkey, expectation of victory V High, even for England!).
TV is on in the back of the ops room. Been playing for about 5 mins, San Marino score!
Sortie is in second split, looking for 70 miles so plenty of time outbound. Controller says:
"Rxxxx Formation, would you like the latest football score?"
"Neat Rxxxx 2 affirmative."
"England nil, San Marino one."
(Bemused Response) "Neat er say again"
"England nil, San Marino one. Would you like me to authenticate?"
"I'd like Graham Taylor to F@*k Off!"
"Roger."
Cue the landlines all go and it's yet another bollocking for the controller from an MC without a sense of humour! I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't me that swore!
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You're All Really Useful Engines!
TV is on in the back of the ops room. Been playing for about 5 mins, San Marino score!
Sortie is in second split, looking for 70 miles so plenty of time outbound. Controller says:
"Rxxxx Formation, would you like the latest football score?"
"Neat Rxxxx 2 affirmative."
"England nil, San Marino one."
(Bemused Response) "Neat er say again"
"England nil, San Marino one. Would you like me to authenticate?"
"I'd like Graham Taylor to F@*k Off!"
"Roger."
Cue the landlines all go and it's yet another bollocking for the controller from an MC without a sense of humour! I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't me that swore!
------------------
You're All Really Useful Engines!
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For those who don't know, down the Falklands the fighter controllers at Mt Kent do the area radar for the Troopers coming in. Once they get inside the range of the Watchman at MPA they are handed over.
One day when the CSE show was due in the controller asked for POB.
Pilot replys 'XXX pob including the cse show.'
Controller 'Confirm your carrying more flap than usual.'
Phone then rings and the controller is invited to drive down to MPA and explain himself to the female SATCO who was monitoring the Freq.
Oh yes, that controller was Max Seaman of earlier fame. You did however miss out the fact that he was born in Staines.
One day when the CSE show was due in the controller asked for POB.
Pilot replys 'XXX pob including the cse show.'
Controller 'Confirm your carrying more flap than usual.'
Phone then rings and the controller is invited to drive down to MPA and explain himself to the female SATCO who was monitoring the Freq.
Oh yes, that controller was Max Seaman of earlier fame. You did however miss out the fact that he was born in Staines.
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Posted by Hugmonster on another thread, but surely worth repeating here:
BN2 XL
By a well-known flight magazine.
Undaunted by technical realities, the design team at Pilatus Britten - Norman has announced plans for the BN2-XL, promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.
We spoke to Mr. Fred Gribble, former British Rail boilermaker, and now Chief Project Engineer. Fred was responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the service of his former employer,
and will be incorporating these in the new BN2-XL technology under a licensing agreement. Fred reassured BN-2 pilots, however, that all fundamental design flaws of the original model had been retained. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.
Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30 degrees of control wheel deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight of the aircraft. Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for crews transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built in to the rudder pedals to prevent over-controlling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots).
An outstanding feature of Islander technology has always been the adaptation of the O-540 engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world (except the Trislander) is known for its low vibration levels. The Islander adaptations cause it to shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the main spar, desynchronise the accompanying engine, and simulate the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin. PBN will not disclose the technology they applied in preserving this effect in the XL but Mr. Gribble assures us it will be perpetrated in later models and sees it as a strong selling point. "After all, the Concorde makes a lot of noise" he said, "and look how fast that goes."
However design documents clandestinely recovered from the PBN shredder have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the BN2 to fly. The vibration set up by the engines, and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and creating lift. This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttles, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise, rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable takeoff performance.
In the driver's cab (as Gribble describes it) ergonomic measures will ensure that long-term PBN pilots' deafness does not cause in-flight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, en-route insomnia, chronic irritability and terminal (post-flight) lethargy. Redesigned "bullworker" elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention cabin lining is an innovation on the XL, and it is hoped in later models to develop cabin noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear-pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.
We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at Britten-Norman's development facility, adjacent to the BritRail tearooms at Little Chortling. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at the Pilatus plant but aircraft of BN design are now prohibited from operating in Swiss airspace during avalanche season). For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with coal for a standard 100 nm trip with BritRail reserves, carrying one pilot and nine passengers to maximise discomfort. Passenger loading is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding passengers, and there was the usual confusion in selecting a door appropriate to the allocated seat. The facility for the clothing of embarking passengers to remove oil slicks from engine cowls during loading has been thoughtfully retained.
Start-up is standard, and taxiing, as in the BN2 is accomplished by brute force. Takeoff calculations called for a 250-decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated at 180 ft/lbs. of backpressure.
Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in vibration of the flight instrument panel. Complete seizure of one engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the engines have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised. Otherwise, identification of the failed engine is achieved by comparing the vibration levels of the windows on either side of the cabin. (Relative passenger pallor has been found to be an unreliable guide on many BN2 routes because of ethnic consideration).
Shortly after takeoff the XL's chief test pilot, Capt. Mike "Muscles" Mulligan demonstrated the extent to whch modern aeronautical design has left the BN2 untouched; he simulated pilot incapacitation by slumping forward onto the control column, simultaneously applying full right rudder and bleeding from the ears. The XL, like its predecessor, demonstrated total control rigidity and continued undisturbed. Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 5000 ft and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitude of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the BN2-XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise after the Titan rocket.
Exploring the Constant noise/Variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long-term BN2 pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards. We asked Capt. Mulligan what he considered the outstanding features of the XL. He cupped his hand behind his ear and shouted "Whazzat?"
We returned to Britten-Norman convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, whilst showing some significant and worthwhile regressions.
PBN are not, however, resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for the Trislander XL and noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of the noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical take-off model is also a possibility."
BN2 XL
By a well-known flight magazine.
Undaunted by technical realities, the design team at Pilatus Britten - Norman has announced plans for the BN2-XL, promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.
We spoke to Mr. Fred Gribble, former British Rail boilermaker, and now Chief Project Engineer. Fred was responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the service of his former employer,
and will be incorporating these in the new BN2-XL technology under a licensing agreement. Fred reassured BN-2 pilots, however, that all fundamental design flaws of the original model had been retained. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.
Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30 degrees of control wheel deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight of the aircraft. Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for crews transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built in to the rudder pedals to prevent over-controlling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots).
An outstanding feature of Islander technology has always been the adaptation of the O-540 engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world (except the Trislander) is known for its low vibration levels. The Islander adaptations cause it to shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the main spar, desynchronise the accompanying engine, and simulate the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin. PBN will not disclose the technology they applied in preserving this effect in the XL but Mr. Gribble assures us it will be perpetrated in later models and sees it as a strong selling point. "After all, the Concorde makes a lot of noise" he said, "and look how fast that goes."
However design documents clandestinely recovered from the PBN shredder have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the BN2 to fly. The vibration set up by the engines, and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and creating lift. This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttles, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise, rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable takeoff performance.
In the driver's cab (as Gribble describes it) ergonomic measures will ensure that long-term PBN pilots' deafness does not cause in-flight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, en-route insomnia, chronic irritability and terminal (post-flight) lethargy. Redesigned "bullworker" elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention cabin lining is an innovation on the XL, and it is hoped in later models to develop cabin noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear-pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.
We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at Britten-Norman's development facility, adjacent to the BritRail tearooms at Little Chortling. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at the Pilatus plant but aircraft of BN design are now prohibited from operating in Swiss airspace during avalanche season). For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with coal for a standard 100 nm trip with BritRail reserves, carrying one pilot and nine passengers to maximise discomfort. Passenger loading is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding passengers, and there was the usual confusion in selecting a door appropriate to the allocated seat. The facility for the clothing of embarking passengers to remove oil slicks from engine cowls during loading has been thoughtfully retained.
Start-up is standard, and taxiing, as in the BN2 is accomplished by brute force. Takeoff calculations called for a 250-decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated at 180 ft/lbs. of backpressure.
Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in vibration of the flight instrument panel. Complete seizure of one engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the engines have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised. Otherwise, identification of the failed engine is achieved by comparing the vibration levels of the windows on either side of the cabin. (Relative passenger pallor has been found to be an unreliable guide on many BN2 routes because of ethnic consideration).
Shortly after takeoff the XL's chief test pilot, Capt. Mike "Muscles" Mulligan demonstrated the extent to whch modern aeronautical design has left the BN2 untouched; he simulated pilot incapacitation by slumping forward onto the control column, simultaneously applying full right rudder and bleeding from the ears. The XL, like its predecessor, demonstrated total control rigidity and continued undisturbed. Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 5000 ft and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitude of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the BN2-XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise after the Titan rocket.
Exploring the Constant noise/Variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long-term BN2 pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards. We asked Capt. Mulligan what he considered the outstanding features of the XL. He cupped his hand behind his ear and shouted "Whazzat?"
We returned to Britten-Norman convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, whilst showing some significant and worthwhile regressions.
PBN are not, however, resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for the Trislander XL and noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of the noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical take-off model is also a possibility."
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My IOT Flt Cdr was a SAR pilot and he claimed that on MPA tours they would go a little way off-shore towards "sausage-side", dial up an Argentinian ATC frequency and say
(cue TV accent)
"Specialo reporto meterologicalo por islas malvinas; Scorchio!"
(cue TV accent)
"Specialo reporto meterologicalo por islas malvinas; Scorchio!"
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Hear the one about the USAF fastmover that requested flight level 980? The cocky AT controller cameback with "Well if you think you can get it then by all means you can have it...ha...ha...ha." "DECENDING to FL 980" Controller.......nothing heard out!
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Probably not true, but still funny :
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the **** Up!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the **** Up!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
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Scene - JO, not long out of IOT, been at CWL long enough to know better talking to a certain AVM on day of IOT grad.
JO: So, Are you here for the graduation sir?
Addressee: Ummm, No, i'm the Commandant.
JO: Ah - Have you been here long?
Addressee: Four years, i'm leaving next week.
JO: Oh.
The guilty party knows who he is
[This message has been edited by granfalloon (edited 30 October 2000).]
JO: So, Are you here for the graduation sir?
Addressee: Ummm, No, i'm the Commandant.
JO: Ah - Have you been here long?
Addressee: Four years, i'm leaving next week.
JO: Oh.
The guilty party knows who he is
[This message has been edited by granfalloon (edited 30 October 2000).]
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Wonderful thread, I haven't got any work done for a couple of hours!
Back when the RAF was painted blue, not wearing it, I was flogging around in a Wessex, and listened to a very practised voice from a 700S Sea King advising
"Pan Pan Pan, total electrics failure, position is, etc. etc., closing down radios"
Squeaky voice came back "Station calling Culdrose, say again all after 'Pan' "
Then there was the Wessex that ditched and managed to get out a Mayday. Unfortunately the Jenny listening fainted, so it was a half hour or so before anyone noticed they were overdue
Back when the RAF was painted blue, not wearing it, I was flogging around in a Wessex, and listened to a very practised voice from a 700S Sea King advising
"Pan Pan Pan, total electrics failure, position is, etc. etc., closing down radios"
Squeaky voice came back "Station calling Culdrose, say again all after 'Pan' "
Then there was the Wessex that ditched and managed to get out a Mayday. Unfortunately the Jenny listening fainted, so it was a half hour or so before anyone noticed they were overdue
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Went to a curry lunch here in Ramadan-land to be part of the rentacrowd for the JHC 2-star's visit to the Brit mil flying unit here on the island. Was reminded of EESDL's contribution on page 7, looked it up and then spent ages wandering through the other pages - best laugh going. It's still true about the ferret, by the way. Switched-on bloke though - sound purple attitude.
Just to keep the thread alive, here's a second hand recounting of something alleged to have happened not long after the double-headed dump-truck arrived in Germany. As the first heli in Crab service to have a passable Proc IF fit, crews strove to master the dark-grey art of tracking airways, flying holds and generally throwing the aircraft at the ground without a friendly PAR talkdown to make it easy. Two pilots who are now both sadly not hovering on this particular ethereal plane went off to overhead Dortmund or wherever and set about sector joins and holds. After about an hour, with the senior mate having given the junior a hard time for his perceived errors and then shown him his version of 'how it should have been done' they called Clutch for vectors back to the G-spot. The German controller, known to be a fairly dry character, asked "Hef you been practising holds over the DOM?". Audibly preening after his final demos, the QHI replied in the affirmative.
"Vot a fucch-up"
(as a sad post-script, does anyone mind explaining to poor innocent/ gullible/ ill-informed me what GICASI's name actually means?)
Just to keep the thread alive, here's a second hand recounting of something alleged to have happened not long after the double-headed dump-truck arrived in Germany. As the first heli in Crab service to have a passable Proc IF fit, crews strove to master the dark-grey art of tracking airways, flying holds and generally throwing the aircraft at the ground without a friendly PAR talkdown to make it easy. Two pilots who are now both sadly not hovering on this particular ethereal plane went off to overhead Dortmund or wherever and set about sector joins and holds. After about an hour, with the senior mate having given the junior a hard time for his perceived errors and then shown him his version of 'how it should have been done' they called Clutch for vectors back to the G-spot. The German controller, known to be a fairly dry character, asked "Hef you been practising holds over the DOM?". Audibly preening after his final demos, the QHI replied in the affirmative.
"Vot a fucch-up"
(as a sad post-script, does anyone mind explaining to poor innocent/ gullible/ ill-informed me what GICASI's name actually means?)
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Dear T&B,
Well done for dredging the thread up and dusting it off - we need a larf!
GICASI - Old mud-movers cry (though others will try to claim it) - 'Get in Close and Smash It'.
Liked the DOM tale - thought it was going to be the one about the helo told to 'Hold at XXX' and did just that - without moving! Your was better!
Well done for dredging the thread up and dusting it off - we need a larf!
GICASI - Old mud-movers cry (though others will try to claim it) - 'Get in Close and Smash It'.
Liked the DOM tale - thought it was going to be the one about the helo told to 'Hold at XXX' and did just that - without moving! Your was better!
Guest
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When I was a Bloggs at Linton we had several Nigerians on our course one of whom went by the name of David Ashebu. They normally only addressed each other by surname. As we neared the end of our course the previous course reappearred for a Mk 5 refresher before heading of to Valley.
Sitting on the desk as duty stude was one of our Nigerian chums. The old Hadley boxed beeped and voice in heavily accented English said simply " Ashebu"
At which point one of the refreshing mates ht the talk switch and replied "Bless You" before switching it off.
Sitting on the desk as duty stude was one of our Nigerian chums. The old Hadley boxed beeped and voice in heavily accented English said simply " Ashebu"
At which point one of the refreshing mates ht the talk switch and replied "Bless You" before switching it off.
Guest
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What about the old (and true) story of the Phantom that shot down a Jaguar during a Taceval in Germany in the late seventies.
One of the many stories to come out of this involves one of the Taceval team standing behind a fighter controller to record 'kills'.
Allegedly, on receiving the call 'This is Phantom 1, I've just shot down a Jag..blah blah blah' the Taceval team mate has replied;
' Oh no no no, doesn't this pri*ck read the kill criteria, he can't claim it, he only got one missile off the rails!'
Doh!
One of the many stories to come out of this involves one of the Taceval team standing behind a fighter controller to record 'kills'.
Allegedly, on receiving the call 'This is Phantom 1, I've just shot down a Jag..blah blah blah' the Taceval team mate has replied;
' Oh no no no, doesn't this pri*ck read the kill criteria, he can't claim it, he only got one missile off the rails!'
Doh!