I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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(Probably apocryphal) tale of a pair of Blue Suits and a pair of Green Suits in the gents...
Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
One of the Green Suits says pointedly:-
"In Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Blue Suit replies:-
"At Cranwell they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."
Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
One of the Green Suits says pointedly:-
"In Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Blue Suit replies:-
"At Cranwell they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."
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Turbulence detection!
Speedbird... "Marseille this is Speedbird xyz Flight level 350 we're experiencing a bit of turbulence up here. My captain just poked himself in the nose with his fork, do you have any information on the ride at any other levels?"
Marseille... "Standby.....Ascot 5040 do ypu have any turbulence at your level?"
Hercules co... "Sorry I dont know,my captain hasnt eaten yet!"
Speedbird... "Marseille this is Speedbird xyz Flight level 350 we're experiencing a bit of turbulence up here. My captain just poked himself in the nose with his fork, do you have any information on the ride at any other levels?"
Marseille... "Standby.....Ascot 5040 do ypu have any turbulence at your level?"
Hercules co... "Sorry I dont know,my captain hasnt eaten yet!"
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kbf1
Were you in 3 Reg? In which case you probably recognised one of the stories above!
No body, of course, will mention the Staff College Demo in 1992.
"F*ck, that's Detmold"
[This message has been edited by attackattackattack (edited 08 September 2000).]
Were you in 3 Reg? In which case you probably recognised one of the stories above!
No body, of course, will mention the Staff College Demo in 1992.
"F*ck, that's Detmold"
[This message has been edited by attackattackattack (edited 08 September 2000).]
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Hug!
The story actually runs:
(Probably apocryphal) tale of a RN Lt, an RAF Flt Lt and an Army Captain in the gents...
The light and dark Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
The Army officer says pointedly:-
"At Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Dark Blue Suit replies:-
"At Dartmouth they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."
Light Blue suit says, in amazement:
"You need to be taught not to do that? At Cranwell they select people with sufficient co-ordination not to pi$$ where they're not aiming!"
As we near the anniversary of the (glorious Poles) entering the Battle of Britain, I'm reminded of the story of how they were converted onto RAF aircraft.
As the squadron took off, watching CFS wallah turns to Polish adjutant and says:
"Fine bunch of chaps. Did frightfully well, even those who couldn't speak English. Except one - Major Xyzrytry (or whatever). Didn't seem to get the hang of a Hurricane at all at first. You'd have thought he was a bomber pilot before!"
Polish Adj: "No. A navigator!"
And that, apparently, is true! Said Pole went on to score several kills and reached 1945 as a Wing Commander!
[This message has been edited by Jackonicko (edited 08 September 2000).]
The story actually runs:
(Probably apocryphal) tale of a RN Lt, an RAF Flt Lt and an Army Captain in the gents...
The light and dark Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
The Army officer says pointedly:-
"At Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Dark Blue Suit replies:-
"At Dartmouth they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."
Light Blue suit says, in amazement:
"You need to be taught not to do that? At Cranwell they select people with sufficient co-ordination not to pi$$ where they're not aiming!"
As we near the anniversary of the (glorious Poles) entering the Battle of Britain, I'm reminded of the story of how they were converted onto RAF aircraft.
As the squadron took off, watching CFS wallah turns to Polish adjutant and says:
"Fine bunch of chaps. Did frightfully well, even those who couldn't speak English. Except one - Major Xyzrytry (or whatever). Didn't seem to get the hang of a Hurricane at all at first. You'd have thought he was a bomber pilot before!"
Polish Adj: "No. A navigator!"
And that, apparently, is true! Said Pole went on to score several kills and reached 1945 as a Wing Commander!
[This message has been edited by Jackonicko (edited 08 September 2000).]
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Old story from WW2 -
Army Officers were getting pi55ed off with being called 'Brown Jobs', so they sent a signal to the RAF and Navy asking them to stop.
RAF Signal to all ranks - 'In future, Army Officers are not to be called 'Brown Jobs'.
RN signal to all rates - 'In future, Brown Jobs are to be called 'Army Officers'
Army Officers were getting pi55ed off with being called 'Brown Jobs', so they sent a signal to the RAF and Navy asking them to stop.
RAF Signal to all ranks - 'In future, Army Officers are not to be called 'Brown Jobs'.
RN signal to all rates - 'In future, Brown Jobs are to be called 'Army Officers'
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Story from Falklands (read in excellent book 'Don't Cry for me Sargeant Major')
The local islanders were quickly nicknamed 'Bennys' by the troops, after the Benny character on Crossroads. The locals thought this quite touching, until one of them got a video sent to him from the UK and they all got to see what Benny was really like. Massive fuss ensues and the word comes down from the Shed not to call the locals Bennys any more. All goes well for a few days until two troopers were overheard talking about Stills. Explanation from the troops was 'Well, they're still Bennys'...
The local islanders were quickly nicknamed 'Bennys' by the troops, after the Benny character on Crossroads. The locals thought this quite touching, until one of them got a video sent to him from the UK and they all got to see what Benny was really like. Massive fuss ensues and the word comes down from the Shed not to call the locals Bennys any more. All goes well for a few days until two troopers were overheard talking about Stills. Explanation from the troops was 'Well, they're still Bennys'...
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Went on longer than that.
Everyone told not to call them stills, new name Yetis (Yet he is still a Benny).
Everyone told....., new name Andy's. (And yet he is still Benny).
Can't remember how long the list got.
A, perhaps, apochryphal story.
C130 carrying Paras on exercise and dishing out white boxes. Everyone briefed to put the rubbish in plastic sacks to keep ac tidy for next leg. When they land the back is full of s**t. A, very irate, Loadie blows his top and orders two to clean it up and the rest to double around the ac till the job is done.
As they are all doubling round a landrover driven by a major pulls up and, after a few seconds, asks the Loadie what is happening.
After being told, he nods agreeably, coughs, and asks politely "If he would'nt mind awfully, if he fell out the Colonel".
Everyone told not to call them stills, new name Yetis (Yet he is still a Benny).
Everyone told....., new name Andy's. (And yet he is still Benny).
Can't remember how long the list got.
A, perhaps, apochryphal story.
C130 carrying Paras on exercise and dishing out white boxes. Everyone briefed to put the rubbish in plastic sacks to keep ac tidy for next leg. When they land the back is full of s**t. A, very irate, Loadie blows his top and orders two to clean it up and the rest to double around the ac till the job is done.
As they are all doubling round a landrover driven by a major pulls up and, after a few seconds, asks the Loadie what is happening.
After being told, he nods agreeably, coughs, and asks politely "If he would'nt mind awfully, if he fell out the Colonel".
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From a very old list:
THE CONCISE BENNY DICTIONARY:
BENIDORM...........FALKLANDS TOURIST ZONE
BENELUX............FALKLANDS SOAP
BENEDICTINE........LOCAL ACCENT
BENNY HILL.........MOUNTAIN NEAR STANLEY
BENEFICIARY........FALKLANDS SEAFOOD PROCESSING PLANT
BENNY ARCADE.......STANLEY FAIRGROUND
BENNIES FROM HEAVEN..LOCAL No1 RECORD
BENEFIT............LOCAL DOLE
BEN & BEN..........FALKLANDS CHILDRENS TV PROGRAMME
WEDGEWOOD BEN......MP STANLEY EAST
BEN HUR............LOCAL No1 VIDEO
BENDETTA...........LOCAL QUARREL
BENNYZENE..........LOCALLY PRODUCED FUEL
BEN DOON...........HOUSE IN DAVIS STREET
BEN FIDDICK........LOCAL WHISKEY
BENNYLINE..........LOCAL COUGH MIXTURE
BEN CAN WRITE......LOCAL SCHOOLMASTER
BENNY LESS.........BROKE
BENNYDETTE.........FAVOURITE GIRL'S NAME
BENNYZEDRINE.......LOCAL STIMULANT
BEN NEVIS..........LOCAL COMEDIAN
BENNYMUSED.........BEWILDERED LOCAL (NORMAL STATE)
BENNYFACTOR........CIVIL EQUIVALENT OF FALKLANDS FACTOR
BENNYFICIAL........REX HUNT (GOVERNOR)
BEN DER............LOCAL GAY
BENIGN.............TEN
BENNY BAG..........LOCAL PROSTITUTE
BENCOURAGE.........LOCAL BREWERY
BENDLESS...........6 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
EMBENRYO...........EXPECTANT MOTHER
DAVID BENEMY.......HOSTILE FALKLANDS ZOOLOGIST
BENTAGON...........GOVERNMENT HOUSE
ABENCRINGINE.......LOCAL FROM SAN CARLOS OR GOOSE GREEN
BENIMS.............LOCAL JEANS
BENNYTENTIARY......STANLEY GAOL
BENNERY............HOUSE FULL OF LOCALS
BENTIST............LOCAL TOOTH PULLER
BENTATHLON.........4 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
BEN PAL............LOCAL WHO WRITES TO HIMSELF
BENCIL.............CHALK
BEN & BREAKFAST....£3 A NIGHT
BENGRANO...........FLAGSHIP OF FI DEFENCE FORCE
BENETICS..........LOCAL INBREEDING
BENGUIN...........ATTRACTIVE LOCAL BIRD (RARELY SEEN)
BIG BEN...........A LOCAL WITH A WATCH
BENINSULA........A LONELY BENNY.
THE CONCISE BENNY DICTIONARY:
BENIDORM...........FALKLANDS TOURIST ZONE
BENELUX............FALKLANDS SOAP
BENEDICTINE........LOCAL ACCENT
BENNY HILL.........MOUNTAIN NEAR STANLEY
BENEFICIARY........FALKLANDS SEAFOOD PROCESSING PLANT
BENNY ARCADE.......STANLEY FAIRGROUND
BENNIES FROM HEAVEN..LOCAL No1 RECORD
BENEFIT............LOCAL DOLE
BEN & BEN..........FALKLANDS CHILDRENS TV PROGRAMME
WEDGEWOOD BEN......MP STANLEY EAST
BEN HUR............LOCAL No1 VIDEO
BENDETTA...........LOCAL QUARREL
BENNYZENE..........LOCALLY PRODUCED FUEL
BEN DOON...........HOUSE IN DAVIS STREET
BEN FIDDICK........LOCAL WHISKEY
BENNYLINE..........LOCAL COUGH MIXTURE
BEN CAN WRITE......LOCAL SCHOOLMASTER
BENNY LESS.........BROKE
BENNYDETTE.........FAVOURITE GIRL'S NAME
BENNYZEDRINE.......LOCAL STIMULANT
BEN NEVIS..........LOCAL COMEDIAN
BENNYMUSED.........BEWILDERED LOCAL (NORMAL STATE)
BENNYFACTOR........CIVIL EQUIVALENT OF FALKLANDS FACTOR
BENNYFICIAL........REX HUNT (GOVERNOR)
BEN DER............LOCAL GAY
BENIGN.............TEN
BENNY BAG..........LOCAL PROSTITUTE
BENCOURAGE.........LOCAL BREWERY
BENDLESS...........6 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
EMBENRYO...........EXPECTANT MOTHER
DAVID BENEMY.......HOSTILE FALKLANDS ZOOLOGIST
BENTAGON...........GOVERNMENT HOUSE
ABENCRINGINE.......LOCAL FROM SAN CARLOS OR GOOSE GREEN
BENIMS.............LOCAL JEANS
BENNYTENTIARY......STANLEY GAOL
BENNERY............HOUSE FULL OF LOCALS
BENTIST............LOCAL TOOTH PULLER
BENTATHLON.........4 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
BEN PAL............LOCAL WHO WRITES TO HIMSELF
BENCIL.............CHALK
BEN & BREAKFAST....£3 A NIGHT
BENGRANO...........FLAGSHIP OF FI DEFENCE FORCE
BENETICS..........LOCAL INBREEDING
BENGUIN...........ATTRACTIVE LOCAL BIRD (RARELY SEEN)
BIG BEN...........A LOCAL WITH A WATCH
BENINSULA........A LONELY BENNY.
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Top thread...my story goes like this:
Herc crew trundling across the States and speaking happily amongst themselves when air traffic said:
"Ascot 1234 turn left head 320 and climb to level 240"
Crew: "oh sh*t, was that for us?"
Crew "apologies, Washington, was that for Ascot1234?"
Irate atc: "YES... I SAID TURN LEFT HEAD 320 AND CLIMB TO LEVEL 240!"
Crew:"roger, left 320, climb level 240"
Short pause then American accent heard to say:
"wasn't I married to you once??"
Herc crew trundling across the States and speaking happily amongst themselves when air traffic said:
"Ascot 1234 turn left head 320 and climb to level 240"
Crew: "oh sh*t, was that for us?"
Crew "apologies, Washington, was that for Ascot1234?"
Irate atc: "YES... I SAID TURN LEFT HEAD 320 AND CLIMB TO LEVEL 240!"
Crew:"roger, left 320, climb level 240"
Short pause then American accent heard to say:
"wasn't I married to you once??"
Guest
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Overheard somewhere near Elstree in the 70's:
London Radar, to inbound French light single:
"Foxtrot-YZ, your altitude and flight conditions?"
Frenchman (wishing to convey that is scud-running) "Ahh,Leurndern, ah am in and out of ze bottoms at 2000'"
Unknown third voice: "Vive le sport!"
London Radar, to inbound French light single:
"Foxtrot-YZ, your altitude and flight conditions?"
Frenchman (wishing to convey that is scud-running) "Ahh,Leurndern, ah am in and out of ze bottoms at 2000'"
Unknown third voice: "Vive le sport!"
Guest
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Along the lines of the thread but needs to be told.
An Officers Mess Suggestions Book.
Sir, while in the bar I have often noticed that some of the male officers on their return from the toilets will then proceed to remove ice from the ice bucket with their fingers. This is extremely unhygenic and I request that tongs be provided.
PMC's Reply.
Thankyou for your comments, tongs have now been placed in the gents toilets.
An Officers Mess Suggestions Book.
Sir, while in the bar I have often noticed that some of the male officers on their return from the toilets will then proceed to remove ice from the ice bucket with their fingers. This is extremely unhygenic and I request that tongs be provided.
PMC's Reply.
Thankyou for your comments, tongs have now been placed in the gents toilets.
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"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something lose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
Happiness is a Virgin A340 - come in lads, the water's lovely!!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something lose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
Happiness is a Virgin A340 - come in lads, the water's lovely!!
Guest
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Another urban mith; apologies for incorrect details.
R/T conversation overheard somewhere state-side:
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.
<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.
<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say "air traffic violation"
<Speedbird1234> Eh... passing FL55.
R/T conversation overheard somewhere state-side:
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.
<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.
<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)
<ATC> Speedbird1234 say "air traffic violation"
<Speedbird1234> Eh... passing FL55.
Guest
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Big night training exercise in Scotland involving almost all RAF/AAC types. The first day consists of 200+ aircrew listening to other aircrew describe their particular aircrafts role, limitations, serviceability, DCM suites etc etc. After the FJ boys had impressed us all the "slowmovers" in the form of a Puma nav and a wokka pilot took the stage to give their presentation.At the end of the brief a voice from the back shouts "offensive capabilities?" Puma nav "Banter!"
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again...poetic licence:
An antipodean P3, out off Townsville, after a damn good 'run ashore'.....cruising at FL230 and nursing solid hangovers and a few good dits from the night before.
ATC pipes up with "xxxx 845, message from one of our airtrafficers...she wants to say goodbye to your co-pilot"....after the obligatory "Rodger thanks" from the P3, ATC comes on-line again with "xxxx 845, another message from another controller, to your Nav
'Farewell, thanks for a great time'"......after 4 such messages from the girls in Townsville ATC to various crewmembers, the Orion crew request a climb to FL270........the reply from ATC: "If you boys have got the energy to get up there, you can have it"
An antipodean P3, out off Townsville, after a damn good 'run ashore'.....cruising at FL230 and nursing solid hangovers and a few good dits from the night before.
ATC pipes up with "xxxx 845, message from one of our airtrafficers...she wants to say goodbye to your co-pilot"....after the obligatory "Rodger thanks" from the P3, ATC comes on-line again with "xxxx 845, another message from another controller, to your Nav
'Farewell, thanks for a great time'"......after 4 such messages from the girls in Townsville ATC to various crewmembers, the Orion crew request a climb to FL270........the reply from ATC: "If you boys have got the energy to get up there, you can have it"
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At a long-forgotten RAF station which is probably shut anyway, Mrs Stn Cdr had, for reasons best known to herself, decided that she should be afforded the same privileges as the old man, including being saluted. So she's being driven in the main gate, in the CO's car, complete with flag. The guard clocks the flag and her staish-ship in the back, and swings the barrier up. The car pulls forward, then stops suddenly and the irate lady shrieks at the guard, 'Compliment!'. He ponders this for a moment then replies brightly, 'I like your hair!.
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Some hilarious stories here. The one about
the SWO and the one striper with the office
chair reduced me to tears. I can barely type
from laughing.
Here's a couple I've heard.
F4 escorting a B52, Said F4 is annoying
the B52 by manoeuvering around it, showing
off. Eventually the B52 pilot says 'Bet I can do
something you can't'. 'Show me' says the F4
pilot incredulously. 'There you are' says the
B52 pilot. The F4 crew sees nothing. 'What
did you do?'
'I shutdown two engines'.
This next one happened to a crew from
a little country west of Wales.
It's a nice day and they take off for
a navex ending with a low level transit
along the coast.
Skimming along 100' above the waves
following the coastline they spy a solitary
couple strolling on the beach.
After hard turn and a screaming dive
they buzz the hapless pair and fly back
to base laughing at their little joke.
On arrival they found there had been
a phone call.
The CO had been on a day off.
Apparently he had been walking on
the beach with his lady wife, when........
the SWO and the one striper with the office
chair reduced me to tears. I can barely type
from laughing.
Here's a couple I've heard.
F4 escorting a B52, Said F4 is annoying
the B52 by manoeuvering around it, showing
off. Eventually the B52 pilot says 'Bet I can do
something you can't'. 'Show me' says the F4
pilot incredulously. 'There you are' says the
B52 pilot. The F4 crew sees nothing. 'What
did you do?'
'I shutdown two engines'.
This next one happened to a crew from
a little country west of Wales.
It's a nice day and they take off for
a navex ending with a low level transit
along the coast.
Skimming along 100' above the waves
following the coastline they spy a solitary
couple strolling on the beach.
After hard turn and a screaming dive
they buzz the hapless pair and fly back
to base laughing at their little joke.
On arrival they found there had been
a phone call.
The CO had been on a day off.
Apparently he had been walking on
the beach with his lady wife, when........