ATC Humour (Merged)
Should I post this or not.... Some on here may recognise me and this will make there day!!
Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"
Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....
"S1M requesting clearance for Fanos"
I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for "Fanos". Could I find it... could i heck.
Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.
Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....
"Jock where the f*ck is FANOS?"
He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim..... "sorry crew he says he cant find FANOS on the map" and they all cracked up to.
"Come on Jock where is it" I pleaded, my embarrasement by now acute.
"Its not a place you pillock" says Jock "They want clearance for "Flight Above Normal Operating Speed"
I nearly died!!
Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"
Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....
"S1M requesting clearance for Fanos"
I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for "Fanos". Could I find it... could i heck.
Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.
Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....
"Jock where the f*ck is FANOS?"
He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim..... "sorry crew he says he cant find FANOS on the map" and they all cracked up to.
"Come on Jock where is it" I pleaded, my embarrasement by now acute.
"Its not a place you pillock" says Jock "They want clearance for "Flight Above Normal Operating Speed"
I nearly died!!
Join Date: May 2005
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Flying into Galway one spring day a few years ago...
As we executed our 3rd missed approach, RVR 500M
G-XXXX - Tower, thats the 3rd missed approach and we've not seen the runway once, request divert to Shannon.
Galway Tower: (in a heavy irish accent) Sure, I don't blame you, I can't see it from here either!
As we executed our 3rd missed approach, RVR 500M
G-XXXX - Tower, thats the 3rd missed approach and we've not seen the runway once, request divert to Shannon.
Galway Tower: (in a heavy irish accent) Sure, I don't blame you, I can't see it from here either!
Join Date: May 2005
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I heard this one on my scanner, while waiting for a connection flight at Terceira, Azores (LPLA)
Tower: Sata 736 could you report the conditions on final, please?
Sata 736: there was light to moderate chop!
Tower: light to moderate turbulence?
Sata 736: I wouldn't call it turbulence, sir, it was more like a chop, light to moderate chop... But I rather be in Bahamas!
Tower: sorry say again?
Sata 736: I said I rather be in Bahamas...
Tower: Oh! Me too!
Tower: Sata 736 could you report the conditions on final, please?
Sata 736: there was light to moderate chop!
Tower: light to moderate turbulence?
Sata 736: I wouldn't call it turbulence, sir, it was more like a chop, light to moderate chop... But I rather be in Bahamas!
Tower: sorry say again?
Sata 736: I said I rather be in Bahamas...
Tower: Oh! Me too!
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Waterford, Ireland.
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EIWF
Mostly training traffic at Waterford due to the Aero Club and Pilot Training College basing there. Yesterday was particularly busy as there was 5 items of training traffic and two GA aircraft in the EIWF CTR in bound. No radar etc etc....
(GA Inbound): Squelch p£$% F£$% B$%&£"$ - (inaudible basically)
EIWF TWR: Eh...aircraft calling, transmission unreadable. You sound like you're sucking through the end of a hosepipe.
(GA Inbound): Squelch p£$% F£$% B$%&£"$ - (inaudible basically)
EIWF TWR: Eh...aircraft calling, transmission unreadable. You sound like you're sucking through the end of a hosepipe.
Last edited by Simon_Sez; 12th May 2005 at 13:37.
Join Date: Jul 2001
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I know of a female first officer on a Metro who was mistaken for a flight attendant.
Actually, a little old lady complained to the company after the flight that the flight attendant on the little 19 seat Metro, had for the whole flight, stayed in the cockpit, talking to the pilot.
Actually, a little old lady complained to the company after the flight that the flight attendant on the little 19 seat Metro, had for the whole flight, stayed in the cockpit, talking to the pilot.
Join Date: Feb 2001
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That treally happened somewhere in ME
A 300 pilot saw two dogs in the middle of runway just after lining up for take off and yelled on the radio with an American accent:
"Hey Tower, there are two f***ing dogs here in the middle of runway!"
ATCO in the tower, who is not native English speaker did not understand what the pilot exactly says and wanted to confirm:
"Sir, confirm two dogs are f***ing on the runway?"
A 300 pilot saw two dogs in the middle of runway just after lining up for take off and yelled on the radio with an American accent:
"Hey Tower, there are two f***ing dogs here in the middle of runway!"
ATCO in the tower, who is not native English speaker did not understand what the pilot exactly says and wanted to confirm:
"Sir, confirm two dogs are f***ing on the runway?"
female first officer on a Metro who was mistaken for a flight attendant
"Table for two, please"
well it was funny at the time
Join Date: Apr 2005
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CHRIS BRAUND
Apropos of the two dogs engaged - there was once a man of infinite jest , who brought much lightness of heart and levity to the skies, the bars and widely scattered airfields of the Sunburnt Country. I had the honour and fortune to have known Chris Braund passingly well. There's a book, 'Laughter on the Wing' containing among it's stories several priceless Braundian broadsides, ones contributed over the years to the magazine that collated and published this rich miscellany.
Chris was in the wheelhouse of his 'Three' coming into Mascot (Sydney Kingsford Smith). It was early fifties when the 'able baker charlie dog' phonetic alphabet had just been changed to the current one. Tower told Chris to continue approach, "two dogs on the runway". Chris replied with his characteristic sharpness and stammer - "D- don't you mean two d- deltas?"
Chris enjoyed singular rapport with the blokes in Sydney Tower and could bring a smile to even the most hard bitten by- the- bookers. Broken Bay just north of Sydney was where you first called the tower inbound. At the time the brand name 'Sydney Flour' was widely popularised on the wireless with the jingle : "Sydney Flour is our flour. We use it every day. . . . . for cakes and scones that mother bakes. . . "
Chris's initial call became a 'standard' that identified him even as he drew breath, keying his mike and singing:
"S- Sydney Tower is our tower, we c- call you every day. Th- this is Echo Whisky Alpha, over B- broken Bay."
The first turbine powered aircraft to enter airline service in Australia was the Vickers Viscount. One morning Chris was outside the terminal, sitting up in the old 'Three', waiting for off, when the newly introduced Viscount, taxying out for departure, called to say they had to come back in.
Tower asks: "Are your ops normal?" Viscount says: "Sure. Hostie's just told us something's on the blink in the toilet. Nothing critical."
"Wh-what's that?", comes over the wireless, "th-thought you'd got rid of your p-pis-tons."
(Send a PM if you want a copy of 'Laughter on the Wing'. S-send in the c-clowns if you want your mind taken off p-pomposity and p-political incorrectness.)
Chris was in the wheelhouse of his 'Three' coming into Mascot (Sydney Kingsford Smith). It was early fifties when the 'able baker charlie dog' phonetic alphabet had just been changed to the current one. Tower told Chris to continue approach, "two dogs on the runway". Chris replied with his characteristic sharpness and stammer - "D- don't you mean two d- deltas?"
Chris enjoyed singular rapport with the blokes in Sydney Tower and could bring a smile to even the most hard bitten by- the- bookers. Broken Bay just north of Sydney was where you first called the tower inbound. At the time the brand name 'Sydney Flour' was widely popularised on the wireless with the jingle : "Sydney Flour is our flour. We use it every day. . . . . for cakes and scones that mother bakes. . . "
Chris's initial call became a 'standard' that identified him even as he drew breath, keying his mike and singing:
"S- Sydney Tower is our tower, we c- call you every day. Th- this is Echo Whisky Alpha, over B- broken Bay."
The first turbine powered aircraft to enter airline service in Australia was the Vickers Viscount. One morning Chris was outside the terminal, sitting up in the old 'Three', waiting for off, when the newly introduced Viscount, taxying out for departure, called to say they had to come back in.
Tower asks: "Are your ops normal?" Viscount says: "Sure. Hostie's just told us something's on the blink in the toilet. Nothing critical."
"Wh-what's that?", comes over the wireless, "th-thought you'd got rid of your p-pis-tons."
(Send a PM if you want a copy of 'Laughter on the Wing'. S-send in the c-clowns if you want your mind taken off p-pomposity and p-political incorrectness.)
Join Date: May 2005
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Heard on R/T when i was a trainee, about to take a hand over.
Shorts 360 on final (nice sounding, female pilot)
, Sikorsky S-61 turns downwind circuit training.
ATC (to S-61)
"XXXX, you're number 2, follow the Shorts 360 on final."
S-61 pilot (quick as you like)
"Roger, after the lady drops her shorts i'll slot in behind her with my big chopper!"
Shorts 360 on final (nice sounding, female pilot)
, Sikorsky S-61 turns downwind circuit training.ATC (to S-61)
"XXXX, you're number 2, follow the Shorts 360 on final."
S-61 pilot (quick as you like)
"Roger, after the lady drops her shorts i'll slot in behind her with my big chopper!"
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OCH-BLOODY-AI. . .
. . . . hoots ADCAPP, but ye're a quair uncouth lot up there roond the brakes and the bens.
Stand by for the three-holer freighter from the Great South Land on it's way to Prestwick (and you'd be havin' a pun with that too I'd wager.) When the doors open, make your way to the ventral entry, avoid raising your kilt at all costs, and when the loadmaster says to y' "Open your wallet y' spalpeen , and say after me, "HELP YOURSELF", do not argue the point
Stand by for the three-holer freighter from the Great South Land on it's way to Prestwick (and you'd be havin' a pun with that too I'd wager.) When the doors open, make your way to the ventral entry, avoid raising your kilt at all costs, and when the loadmaster says to y' "Open your wallet y' spalpeen , and say after me, "HELP YOURSELF", do not argue the point
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Aye!, it's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht th'nicht!
Jokova where's yer troosers!
A student on our approach procedural course tried this on the simulator at ATC college.
Student
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
Student (somewhat nervously)
"G-XXXX, Approach?"
--no response--
Instructor to student
"I'll give you a clue.....do you think his radio might have failed?"
Student (intends to apply the speechless procedure)
"G-XXXX, Approach, if you are receiving this transmisson click once for YES. If you ARE NOT receiving this transmission, click twice for NO"
Sim Pilot
"(click) (click)"
The instructor almost folded in half. It then took both the Student and Sim Pilot another minute to realise what had just happened, just enough time for the instructor to wipe the tears away!
D'oh!
Jokova where's yer troosers!
A student on our approach procedural course tried this on the simulator at ATC college.
Student
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
Student (somewhat nervously)
"G-XXXX, Approach?"
--no response--
Instructor to student
"I'll give you a clue.....do you think his radio might have failed?"
Student (intends to apply the speechless procedure)
"G-XXXX, Approach, if you are receiving this transmisson click once for YES. If you ARE NOT receiving this transmission, click twice for NO"
Sim Pilot
"(click) (click)"
The instructor almost folded in half. It then took both the Student and Sim Pilot another minute to realise what had just happened, just enough time for the instructor to wipe the tears away!
D'oh!
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A DOLLAR WOULD BE NICE. . .
. . . . for every time taxying out with half a dozen captive sightseers, looking wide- eyed and expectant after they've clamped their headsets on and
driver- airframe says softly looking each in turn right in the eye, "Just testing. These Dick Smith headsets have been playing up a bit today - would you shake your head if you can't hear me at all?"
The only time this routine backfires is when some Edward de Bono taps you on the shoulder and throws some aviation related mind-stretching conundrum or riddle straight back.
driver- airframe says softly looking each in turn right in the eye, "Just testing. These Dick Smith headsets have been playing up a bit today - would you shake your head if you can't hear me at all?"
The only time this routine backfires is when some Edward de Bono taps you on the shoulder and throws some aviation related mind-stretching conundrum or riddle straight back.
