ATC Humour (Merged)
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Hopefully funny emails?
Sorry,
Just been emailed these by a friend who knew i am in the process of applying for and i thought they may cheer people up.
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
************************************************************ ************
***************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speed bird 206.
Speed bird 206: "Frankfurt, Speed bird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speed bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speed bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speed bird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
============================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
_________________
Just been emailed these by a friend who knew i am in the process of applying for and i thought they may cheer people up.
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
************************************************************ ************
***************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speed bird 206.
Speed bird 206: "Frankfurt, Speed bird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speed bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speed bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speed bird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
============================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
_________________
Funny the first time round...
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Xtremity I think that my friends are trying to tell you (using MY picture TIC!!!!) that you may care to cast your eye over the very large ATC Humour thread right at the top of this page...
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Mr Chips
Sorry 'bout that. One was a tad in a hurry and one forgot to acknowledge (one did that the previous time, though).
One has saved a text file to one's puter, so that one just has to paste it to post a reply like this one
Where can one find some ashes to put on one's head ?
Wait, that's gorra make one visible
Sorry 'bout that. One was a tad in a hurry and one forgot to acknowledge (one did that the previous time, though).
One has saved a text file to one's puter, so that one just has to paste it to post a reply like this one
Where can one find some ashes to put on one's head ?
Wait, that's gorra make one visible
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aaah once again the lovely people that frequent these forums shamelessly jump on anyone who makes an honest mistake while trying to bring some humour into the world.......fair play xtremity,dont feel bad on account of their need to belittle
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Dan Eire without wishing to get into a protracted slanging match, those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired of seeing the same thing posted over and over again. In many cases, the poster can be forgiven for not realising that it is an old topic, HOWEVER I think in this case had the poster had just a glance at the forum, s/he might have just noticed a thread right at the top titled "ATC Humour". I think that is a wee bit of a clue....
Also.. not the first time that Xtremity has been directed to the search function!!!!!
Also.. not the first time that Xtremity has been directed to the search function!!!!!
Last edited by Mr Chips; 24th Feb 2005 at 10:00.
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Heard a couple of days ago. Fritzlar NDB has been renamed as waypoint NATSU, remaining at the same spot -same coordinates-. We all wonder why they couldn't choose some like FRITZ, for instance, but we guess that was just too easy for everyone, right? Anyway. There was some delay on some companies to update the A/C's databases and still a week after the supposed change some crews were using the old name. One controller on the previous sector was bitchin' a bit one of the pilots -not the guy's fault after all if the company doesn't do their homework-. They went chatting on for a while NATSU this NATSU that. Eventually the pilot is instructed to fly DCT NATSU and to contact me. Then he calls in :
"NATSU, hello..."
Not even him could stop laughing on the open micke.
And one from today which kinda scares a bit too. We get an AFLxxx on the freq at an odd level and he calls in reminding us that he's so. He's at FL370 in RVSM airspace. My colleague remarks me : see, that's how initial calls should be done!
After a while we get a call from the previous sector asking wether tha mentioned AFL TCAS was working and if we could check the RVSM status too. I was a bit confused at the request -he had past their sector already after all- but anyway, if there's a doubt; so we ask:
ground : AFLxxx we have a strange request here, could you confirm your RVSM status and if your TCAS is working?
AFLxxx : TCAs is working, we just had an RA to climb because opposite TFC some minutes ago!
From then on we knew why he reminded us he was Opposite Direction Lvl!!!
A.
"NATSU, hello..."
Not even him could stop laughing on the open micke.
And one from today which kinda scares a bit too. We get an AFLxxx on the freq at an odd level and he calls in reminding us that he's so. He's at FL370 in RVSM airspace. My colleague remarks me : see, that's how initial calls should be done!
After a while we get a call from the previous sector asking wether tha mentioned AFL TCAS was working and if we could check the RVSM status too. I was a bit confused at the request -he had past their sector already after all- but anyway, if there's a doubt; so we ask:
ground : AFLxxx we have a strange request here, could you confirm your RVSM status and if your TCAS is working?
AFLxxx : TCAs is working, we just had an RA to climb because opposite TFC some minutes ago!
From then on we knew why he reminded us he was Opposite Direction Lvl!!!
A.
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As a frequent lurker on this site I find it depressing how so many here share a common trait of pomposity and arrogance.
Xtremity took the time to type up his/her post with the sole purpose of hopefully bringing a smile to other people's faces, and in return gets several snotty smartarse putdowns. What a lovely side to human nature this shows eh ?
So bl**dy what if you've all heard the jokes before ?
I can just picture it in a pub....
"Here, there's this bloke with a dog with only one leg and...."
"Oy, Moron - that one was told in here six months ago... shut up. You should have obtained a list of previously heard jokes before opening your mouth".
..and as for "those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired.."
Awww... poor souls, the strain must be terrible.
Oh when you're smiling, when you're smiling...
Xtremity took the time to type up his/her post with the sole purpose of hopefully bringing a smile to other people's faces, and in return gets several snotty smartarse putdowns. What a lovely side to human nature this shows eh ?
So bl**dy what if you've all heard the jokes before ?
I can just picture it in a pub....
"Here, there's this bloke with a dog with only one leg and...."
"Oy, Moron - that one was told in here six months ago... shut up. You should have obtained a list of previously heard jokes before opening your mouth".
..and as for "those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired.."
Awww... poor souls, the strain must be terrible.
Oh when you're smiling, when you're smiling...
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Ooh, i really hope someone hasn't already posted this but i'm not reading 42 pages.
A 777 from the Indian Ocean region landing somewhere in the North of England today experienced a fire on the undercarriage. It seems that some over entusiastic greasing of the wheels by ground crew could be to blame.
Apparently this is not a new phenomena as a ground controller was taxiing the same a/c type and operator just recently when a very similar incident occured.
Sadly the a/c had just reached the gate and so the pilots were no longer monitoring the RT but an eagle eyed ops vehicle had spotted the problem and radioed the tower. The conversation went something like this:
Ops: " Er ground this is ops on the Northern apron, the 777 on stand 208R has got a fire on it's port undercarriage."
Ground: ( crash button already being depressed ) "Roger ops, how serious is the fire?"
Ops: "Well it's not as bad as yesterday's!"
A 777 from the Indian Ocean region landing somewhere in the North of England today experienced a fire on the undercarriage. It seems that some over entusiastic greasing of the wheels by ground crew could be to blame.
Apparently this is not a new phenomena as a ground controller was taxiing the same a/c type and operator just recently when a very similar incident occured.
Sadly the a/c had just reached the gate and so the pilots were no longer monitoring the RT but an eagle eyed ops vehicle had spotted the problem and radioed the tower. The conversation went something like this:
Ops: " Er ground this is ops on the Northern apron, the 777 on stand 208R has got a fire on it's port undercarriage."
Ground: ( crash button already being depressed ) "Roger ops, how serious is the fire?"
Ops: "Well it's not as bad as yesterday's!"
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Tobzalp,
I couldn't resist logging in to mention that coincidentally, Christopher Lloyd, the actor on the left in the photo you published, is (or at least used to be) a pilot. Some years ago in New York he took me up in a 2-seater twin engine plane (I have no idea what kind it was) and we went for a delightful flight over New York and Connecticut. Although Chris so often, as in "Taxi" and in "Back to the Future", which you've pictured, plays somewhat addle-brained, zoned-out characters, he was a terrific pilot. I remember that before we took off he opened the cowling (?) to check the engines. And I felt completely safe. It's the only time I've ever been in a small plane, and it was very, very enjoyable.
I couldn't resist logging in to mention that coincidentally, Christopher Lloyd, the actor on the left in the photo you published, is (or at least used to be) a pilot. Some years ago in New York he took me up in a 2-seater twin engine plane (I have no idea what kind it was) and we went for a delightful flight over New York and Connecticut. Although Chris so often, as in "Taxi" and in "Back to the Future", which you've pictured, plays somewhat addle-brained, zoned-out characters, he was a terrific pilot. I remember that before we took off he opened the cowling (?) to check the engines. And I felt completely safe. It's the only time I've ever been in a small plane, and it was very, very enjoyable.
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Not sure if it already on here somewhere, but the best I've heard in a long time..
ATC HRW: "Speedbird xxx could you give way to the virging with a tight slot?....
BAxxx: "Any time sir"
ATC HRW: "Speedbird xxx could you give way to the virging with a tight slot?....
BAxxx: "Any time sir"
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Mr Chips et al
Please remember that the "search function" does not tell the searcher which page the search criteria are on...only that it is on one of 42 (at the moment) pages.
Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?
Please remember that the "search function" does not tell the searcher which page the search criteria are on...only that it is on one of 42 (at the moment) pages.
Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?
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DubTrub
One thunk 'tis already there :
Just select the "Show results as posts" tick-box in the "Search Options"
Hope this helps
Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?
Just select the "Show results as posts" tick-box in the "Search Options"
Hope this helps