ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico
Age: 78
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Stuck Mic
Back in "the old days," my friend Bill was working a radar sector when the computer failed.
The normal procedure was to put the scope into a horizontal position and then revert to the old broad-band radar and "shrimp boats." Knocking the scope down involved a bit of gymnastics - pushing a foot pedal while simultaneously pulling the scope forward and pushing it flat.
As I was walking down the aisle, I saw Bill struggling with his scope. He issued a clearance: "United 555, descend and maintain FL310, expedite through FL330 for traffic." He then clipped his mic switch to his belt.
Unknown to either of us, his mic was keyed.
I asked if he needed help with his scope. Bill nodded and replied, "I can't get this son-of-a-&@#$* to go down!" Just then we noticed the transmitter was on, so he unkeyed.
Over the radio came: "Center, United 555. Sorry sir, but we're descending as fast as we can."
Rich @ http://atcea.com
The normal procedure was to put the scope into a horizontal position and then revert to the old broad-band radar and "shrimp boats." Knocking the scope down involved a bit of gymnastics - pushing a foot pedal while simultaneously pulling the scope forward and pushing it flat.
As I was walking down the aisle, I saw Bill struggling with his scope. He issued a clearance: "United 555, descend and maintain FL310, expedite through FL330 for traffic." He then clipped his mic switch to his belt.
Unknown to either of us, his mic was keyed.
I asked if he needed help with his scope. Bill nodded and replied, "I can't get this son-of-a-&@#$* to go down!" Just then we noticed the transmitter was on, so he unkeyed.
Over the radio came: "Center, United 555. Sorry sir, but we're descending as fast as we can."
Rich @ http://atcea.com
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: London
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Red Arrows Spoof
It was back in 1990 at LLanbedr and the Aerodrome Controller was the type who was always bragging. His latest claim was “I know the Red Arrows personally”
So we set him up. One day when I was the approach controller I told him that the Arrows were transiting through the overhead South to North in 5 minutes at 1500 feet. I told him that when they had 5 miles to run I would send them to his frequency.
So they checked in (Well it was my disguised voice)
Red Leader: Red check in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 , 7, 8, 9, 10 (spare)
Llanbedr Tower this is Red Arrows formation, 1500 feet on 1022, 5 miles South to transit through the overhead.
Controller: Red arrows you are clear to transit. I have no known traffic.
Red Leader: Roger Tower….. Is that you Bob ?
Controller: Yes (in a stunned voice)
Red Leader: Thought so, I recognised your voice.
2 minutes later
Red Leader: Tower, Arrows now clear of your zone and going en route, Bye Bob. Reds Button 6 go.
Stunned Tower Controller calls Approach on the landline to tells us and cannot understand why we are laughing like drains !!
So we set him up. One day when I was the approach controller I told him that the Arrows were transiting through the overhead South to North in 5 minutes at 1500 feet. I told him that when they had 5 miles to run I would send them to his frequency.
So they checked in (Well it was my disguised voice)
Red Leader: Red check in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 , 7, 8, 9, 10 (spare)
Llanbedr Tower this is Red Arrows formation, 1500 feet on 1022, 5 miles South to transit through the overhead.
Controller: Red arrows you are clear to transit. I have no known traffic.
Red Leader: Roger Tower….. Is that you Bob ?
Controller: Yes (in a stunned voice)
Red Leader: Thought so, I recognised your voice.
2 minutes later
Red Leader: Tower, Arrows now clear of your zone and going en route, Bye Bob. Reds Button 6 go.
Stunned Tower Controller calls Approach on the landline to tells us and cannot understand why we are laughing like drains !!
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Karup, Denmark
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An inbound airliner passing a VOR about 40 NM out and see an outbound one still with landing lights on. He is on a different freq. but ask the controller to pass the message. The controller says:
"XXX, you still have your landing lights on"
"Thank you...say, what kind of radar do you guys have?"
"XXX, you still have your landing lights on"
"Thank you...say, what kind of radar do you guys have?"
Alba Gu Brath
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Merseyside
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Apologies if this has appeared already.
At Shawbury in the eighties, the local hunt would occassionally encroach on the undershoot to the detriment of safety. The call from the local controller would be "XXX break off the approach, summer hunt crossing the undershoot." Well, the fickle finger of fate does not wait long to catch out the unaware and sure enough the fateful day came when the PAR controller readback the call as "XXX break off the approach, some c*** crossing the undershoot."
At Shawbury in the eighties, the local hunt would occassionally encroach on the undershoot to the detriment of safety. The call from the local controller would be "XXX break off the approach, summer hunt crossing the undershoot." Well, the fickle finger of fate does not wait long to catch out the unaware and sure enough the fateful day came when the PAR controller readback the call as "XXX break off the approach, some c*** crossing the undershoot."
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: On a foreign shore trying a new wine diet. So far, I've lost 3days!
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Frying Tigers
Frying Tigers Then there was the good old Flying Tiger 74 classic at Dubai many moons ago ready for start on the gate.
"Flying Tiger xxx four burning and turning, ready for the push"
And from a Birdseed passing behind.
"I hate to say this, old chap, but you seem to have five burning and turning. Your APU is on fire"
On the beach
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Was Rhoose Regional
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This was passed on to us via and internal news letter. Apparently this did happen at one of the Berlin airports a few years back.
Captain: "Speedbird XXX, could I have directions to the gate?"
Towe: "Speedbird XXX have you never been to Berlin?"
Unidentified voice: "Yes once in 1943. But I didnt stop"
Captain: "Speedbird XXX, could I have directions to the gate?"
Towe: "Speedbird XXX have you never been to Berlin?"
Unidentified voice: "Yes once in 1943. But I didnt stop"
More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 75
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In very bad taste.
At EDDF departing Lufthansa 747 announces intention to return to the gate, ".... as one of the passengers is missing."
before the tower could reply, in an unidentified Americah accent, "Have you checked the ovens?"
At EDDF departing Lufthansa 747 announces intention to return to the gate, ".... as one of the passengers is missing."
before the tower could reply, in an unidentified Americah accent, "Have you checked the ovens?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: "THAT" place??!!
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On landing the other day, just as we popped the reversers out, we both noticed something on the runway just to the left of the centreline. Passed over it without incident, thankfully.
I finally got to use this one:
Us: "Twr, I would suggest (Birdseed) delay their takeoff. We just passed over a dead something-or-other on the runway between Delta (Twy) and Charlie"
Twr: "Roger. Any idea what it was?"
Us: "Dead animal of some kind. (Birds??) I'd strongly suggest a runway inspection. (pause, 2, 3....) Oh - if it looks somewhat edible, please bring it to our stand or we're stuck with Crew Meals again!"
Other flight: "We'd like a slice, too, please!"
(Runway cleared...normal ops resumed.)
~R.D
I finally got to use this one:
Us: "Twr, I would suggest (Birdseed) delay their takeoff. We just passed over a dead something-or-other on the runway between Delta (Twy) and Charlie"
Twr: "Roger. Any idea what it was?"
Us: "Dead animal of some kind. (Birds??) I'd strongly suggest a runway inspection. (pause, 2, 3....) Oh - if it looks somewhat edible, please bring it to our stand or we're stuck with Crew Meals again!"
Other flight: "We'd like a slice, too, please!"
(Runway cleared...normal ops resumed.)
~R.D
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Somewhere South of the Limpopo
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Student pilot:
"ABC request taxi to the General Flying Area"
ATC: "Wouldn't it be easier to fly there..?"
Another student:
"ABC-Tower is ready for departure."
Twr: "I hope not...!!"
Inbound aircraft:"On top of D"
ATC: "I hope she's nice..!"
A/C ready for departure:
"ABC - Tower - request your departure."
ATC: "I can't leave the tower right now..."
R
"ABC request taxi to the General Flying Area"
ATC: "Wouldn't it be easier to fly there..?"
Another student:
"ABC-Tower is ready for departure."
Twr: "I hope not...!!"
Inbound aircraft:"On top of D"
ATC: "I hope she's nice..!"
A/C ready for departure:
"ABC - Tower - request your departure."
ATC: "I can't leave the tower right now..."
R
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Zummerset
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Not quite to do with ATC, but funny anyhow.
A friend was a First Officer on a Jumbo and they were waiting for a slot... reading the newspapers. It is pissing down outside.
F/O sees the pushback controller, standing patiently, getting soaked. He tells the Captain that the poor guy is drenched and he might want to wait in the tug for a bit...
Captain flicks his intercom switch...
Capt "Flightdeck to ground"
Push "Yes Sir, go ahead"
Capt "If you had worked a little harder at school, YOU would be sitting here in the warm and dry, reading the newspaper, wouldn't you?"
Push "Thank You Sir"
Nice Man!
A friend was a First Officer on a Jumbo and they were waiting for a slot... reading the newspapers. It is pissing down outside.
F/O sees the pushback controller, standing patiently, getting soaked. He tells the Captain that the poor guy is drenched and he might want to wait in the tug for a bit...
Captain flicks his intercom switch...
Capt "Flightdeck to ground"
Push "Yes Sir, go ahead"
Capt "If you had worked a little harder at school, YOU would be sitting here in the warm and dry, reading the newspaper, wouldn't you?"
Push "Thank You Sir"
Nice Man!
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Transylvania. Where else?
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It Was True, Honest!
Told to me in the Middle East by an ex-PATCO Chicago Centre controller (fired by Reagan if you remember that far back). He swore it was true:
Chicago: Speedbird 123, turn left 30 degrees for noise
abatement.
BAW123: Ah, Chicago, confirm this is for "noise abatement"? We
are at Flight Level 390, you know!
Chicago: BAW123, have you heard the sound two B747s make
when they hit each other?
Chicago: Speedbird 123, turn left 30 degrees for noise
abatement.
BAW123: Ah, Chicago, confirm this is for "noise abatement"? We
are at Flight Level 390, you know!
Chicago: BAW123, have you heard the sound two B747s make
when they hit each other?
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: planet earth
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Needed: advise
Looks like I found the right website for my request. Have been laughing my heart out for 3 days reading all the good stuff posted here. Good Job!
For all the guys AND girls controllers:
We are operating out of a French colony somewhere on the dark continent of Africa. So the best RT you get is pigeon French and IF it is your lucky day, pigeon English....
We are looking for a approriate reply to all male controllers here in the tower of my home base that keep addressing our female pilots as "sir" where it' clearly a female voice they are talking to (BTW they are not always F/O's..
Obvious they are trying to be polite but they don't seem to understand that "sir" is NOT the correct translation for "Ma'am" in French....
Any suggestions??
One more note: it is our homebase and we don't want to p..ss them off.
"There are there to please us and it keeps the cleaners happy...."
Will post results..
For all the guys AND girls controllers:
We are operating out of a French colony somewhere on the dark continent of Africa. So the best RT you get is pigeon French and IF it is your lucky day, pigeon English....
We are looking for a approriate reply to all male controllers here in the tower of my home base that keep addressing our female pilots as "sir" where it' clearly a female voice they are talking to (BTW they are not always F/O's..
Obvious they are trying to be polite but they don't seem to understand that "sir" is NOT the correct translation for "Ma'am" in French....
Any suggestions??
One more note: it is our homebase and we don't want to p..ss them off.
"There are there to please us and it keeps the cleaners happy...."
Will post results..
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: UK
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I have posted this somewhere before on pune but thought I would post again here.
Heard it holding at Blackpool some time ago. Student in the circuit. Classic 'stereotypical' Indian/English accent in the AC.
AC - GXX Final 28
TWR - Is this to land GXX?
Silence
TWR - GXX, is this approach to land??
Delay
AC - I am hoping so .....
Heard it holding at Blackpool some time ago. Student in the circuit. Classic 'stereotypical' Indian/English accent in the AC.
AC - GXX Final 28
TWR - Is this to land GXX?
Silence
TWR - GXX, is this approach to land??
Delay
AC - I am hoping so .....
Gizajob
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: uk
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Allegedly, RT report from old RAF aircraft, having departed from an airfield in Hants, which was over the South Coast:
London: XXX pass your message
A/C: I'm an Andover, out of Andover, over Dover, over
Great posts
London: XXX pass your message
A/C: I'm an Andover, out of Andover, over Dover, over
Great posts
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Manchester
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Anagram!!!
Was just browsing the net when I came along this website with various anagrams including...
'Swanwick Air Traffic Control Centre' gives:
Farcical network won't scan? Terrific!
'The Swiss air-traffic controllers' gives:
Collision! Crash! (Writ, re: staff rest?)
'Air Traffic Control' gives:
Not critical for RAF.
but most concerning of all...
'The London Area Air Traffic Control Centre at Swanwick' gives:
Halt now! Reason? Aircraft accident wreck, total inferno.
'Swanwick Air Traffic Control Centre' gives:
Farcical network won't scan? Terrific!
'The Swiss air-traffic controllers' gives:
Collision! Crash! (Writ, re: staff rest?)
'Air Traffic Control' gives:
Not critical for RAF.
but most concerning of all...
'The London Area Air Traffic Control Centre at Swanwick' gives:
Halt now! Reason? Aircraft accident wreck, total inferno.