ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Someplace where the water smells
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im not an ATCO but am a private pilot and have been in stiches reading these pages, keep them coming!
As for the poll, Mini cooper s all the way!
As for the poll, Mini cooper s all the way!
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Stockport MAN/EGCC
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Having trawled the entire thread I'm surprised this LHR gem has escaped repetition.
Heard one day when 28L was in use for departures at about the time British Midland were painting their aircraft dark blue.
ATC "Midland 123 line up 28L and cleared take off"
BD123 "Cleared line up take off"
ATC "Speedbird 019 (A Concorde) behind the departing Midland line up and hold
BA 019 Awfully far back "Is that the blue one"
ATC "Afirm"
ATC "KLM 145 behind the departing Concorde line up hold caution reheat and wake"
KL145 As laid back as only the dutch can "Is that the white one?"
Sadly no riposte from Nigel.
Be lucky
David
Heard one day when 28L was in use for departures at about the time British Midland were painting their aircraft dark blue.
ATC "Midland 123 line up 28L and cleared take off"
BD123 "Cleared line up take off"
ATC "Speedbird 019 (A Concorde) behind the departing Midland line up and hold
BA 019 Awfully far back "Is that the blue one"
ATC "Afirm"
ATC "KLM 145 behind the departing Concorde line up hold caution reheat and wake"
KL145 As laid back as only the dutch can "Is that the white one?"
Sadly no riposte from Nigel.
Be lucky
David
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: 22°18'32"N 113°54'52"E
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This is copied from 'Short Finals' section at AVweb.com...
Overheard during fleet week practice over the San Francisco Bay;
Nor Cal Approach: Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.
Bonanza 1-2-3-4: Negative contact, say again type traffic.
Nor Cal: Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.
Lok
Overheard during fleet week practice over the San Francisco Bay;
Nor Cal Approach: Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.
Bonanza 1-2-3-4: Negative contact, say again type traffic.
Nor Cal: Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.
Lok
I was working FAJS Radar when a JS41 get airborne and calls
Johannesburg Tower LNK*** airborne... Ah Correction that should be Johannesburg Radar. I'm so sorry
Now we change sectors so often i can't remember my callsign half the time so I reply "You cand call me anything I still have to respond Identified under Radar control climb ...."
The JS41 pilot replies "Ok TRACY thanks for that climbing FL..."
I was in stitches after that
BTW my name aint Tracy
Johannesburg Tower LNK*** airborne... Ah Correction that should be Johannesburg Radar. I'm so sorry
Now we change sectors so often i can't remember my callsign half the time so I reply "You cand call me anything I still have to respond Identified under Radar control climb ...."
The JS41 pilot replies "Ok TRACY thanks for that climbing FL..."
I was in stitches after that
BTW my name aint Tracy
Join Date: Apr 1999
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Pushback?? i haven't finished my...
Just heard this last week in GLA, we where waiting for Pushback and we overheard the following radio transmition btwn "British" and the rest of the world!
Gnd; British### you are cleard push and start
British; "Now this always happens when you are getting breakfast"
Gnd;"Breakfast?? What's that?"
Some one else; "we don't even HAVE Breakfast"
etc...
didn't hear him complain about it again hahahahaha
Gnd; British### you are cleard push and start
British; "Now this always happens when you are getting breakfast"
Gnd;"Breakfast?? What's that?"
Some one else; "we don't even HAVE Breakfast"
etc...
didn't hear him complain about it again hahahahaha
Join Date: Nov 2005
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Pilot: TWR XXX, could you give us a rough time-check?
TWR: It's monday
A german airliner in Munich asking for start-up in german. The TWR controller replys:"Sir, if you want to get something, you have to speak english!"
Pilot: "Vai mast aj spik inglish, Im Zherman pilot in ze zherman airplane in ze midle of ze Zhermany!
Beofre TWR could answer, there was a cockney voice over R/T:
"Coz we won the bloody war!"
TWR: It's monday
A german airliner in Munich asking for start-up in german. The TWR controller replys:"Sir, if you want to get something, you have to speak english!"
Pilot: "Vai mast aj spik inglish, Im Zherman pilot in ze zherman airplane in ze midle of ze Zhermany!
Beofre TWR could answer, there was a cockney voice over R/T:
"Coz we won the bloody war!"
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Bedfordshire UK
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Heard on the Heathrow Approach frequency on Friday 4/11 at about 22:15
Air Canada xxxx 767 approaching Bovingdon FL800 inbound to LHR.
Now that is one hell of a decent profile my man. Hope you made it down ok.
C-I-M
Air Canada xxxx 767 approaching Bovingdon FL800 inbound to LHR.
Now that is one hell of a decent profile my man. Hope you made it down ok.
C-I-M
Join Date: Jun 2005
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One heard earlier:
Close to dusk one evening at small airfield
A/c: ''G-xxxx overhead 2000' etc...'
FIS: '' G-xx roger, report downwind rwy 28, do you require runway lights for this approach?
A/c: Ahhh, negative, we'll be ok, report downwind 28 G-xx
FIS: Oh good, 'cos we dont have any for 28!
JW
Close to dusk one evening at small airfield
A/c: ''G-xxxx overhead 2000' etc...'
FIS: '' G-xx roger, report downwind rwy 28, do you require runway lights for this approach?
A/c: Ahhh, negative, we'll be ok, report downwind 28 G-xx
FIS: Oh good, 'cos we dont have any for 28!
JW
Join Date: Aug 2005
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A recent radio exchange between a FISO and two FIs whom he had difficulty in distinguishing over the radio:
FISO: "Is that Bill or Ben?"
FI1: "It's Bill."
FI2 (Ben) without pausing to draw breath: "The less good-looking one!"
FISO: "That's so cruel!"
FISO: "Is that Bill or Ben?"
FI1: "It's Bill."
FI2 (Ben) without pausing to draw breath: "The less good-looking one!"
FISO: "That's so cruel!"
Join Date: Sep 2005
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After a recent go around at Sydney due to severe over shoot shear on short final the captain made an announcement as to what had happened and why, but not to worry because "we practice this three times a year in the simulator". All of the passengers burst out laughing and some were heard discussing whether three times was enough. Maybe he should have stuck to a generic "many times".
RI
RI
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Heard on a black night on NAT 'T'...
123.45 has the Americans asking each other about the College football results. Followed by Brits asking about Premiership results. Followed by:-
Aircraft #1 - "Does anyone know who won the light heavyweight championship title in Las Vegas?"
Aircraft #2 - Eh? And other words showing misunderstanding..
Aircraft #1 - "I was asking about the boxing title fight in Las Vegas last night.."
Aircraft #3 - "Who cares?"
Aircraft #4 - "I think Celine Dion won on points against Elton John..."
123.45 has the Americans asking each other about the College football results. Followed by Brits asking about Premiership results. Followed by:-
Aircraft #1 - "Does anyone know who won the light heavyweight championship title in Las Vegas?"
Aircraft #2 - Eh? And other words showing misunderstanding..
Aircraft #1 - "I was asking about the boxing title fight in Las Vegas last night.."
Aircraft #3 - "Who cares?"
Aircraft #4 - "I think Celine Dion won on points against Elton John..."
Join Date: Oct 1998
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An en-route Air Ambulance (organ collectiong flight) en-route was told by a controller that the transplant team no longer needed his services and was asked for his intention. The Captain replied "I'll go back home then and requesting to divert", the controller promptly gave a clearance and transferred him to the previous sector where a very cute female voice awaited his arrival.
Unfortunately, the exact circumstances of the Air Ambulance's diversion were not explained to the female controller and 'to be on the safe side' wondered if this aircraft had an emergency. As the aircraft 'checked-in' the female controller asked if he wished to declare and emergency, which prompted the follwoing response "Nope, I am just having trouble finding my organ!". This sparked off a few other equally interesting comments from other crews - order was restored a few minutes later.
Scottish 123.77 a little while ago.
Unfortunately, the exact circumstances of the Air Ambulance's diversion were not explained to the female controller and 'to be on the safe side' wondered if this aircraft had an emergency. As the aircraft 'checked-in' the female controller asked if he wished to declare and emergency, which prompted the follwoing response "Nope, I am just having trouble finding my organ!". This sparked off a few other equally interesting comments from other crews - order was restored a few minutes later.
Scottish 123.77 a little while ago.
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Dublin, IE
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Heard this while waiting at the holding point of Rwy 10 at Dubin recently, with an Air Canada 767 on final.
Twr: 'Air Canada 123, cleared to land runway 10, wind 150 degress 10 knots'.
AC123: 'Roger, cleared to land runway 10'.
a few seconds later.....
AC123: 'Tower for your information, wind at 1000ft is 220 at 30 knots'.
Twr: 'Well it's lucky you're landing on the ground then'.
Twr: 'Air Canada 123, cleared to land runway 10, wind 150 degress 10 knots'.
AC123: 'Roger, cleared to land runway 10'.
a few seconds later.....
AC123: 'Tower for your information, wind at 1000ft is 220 at 30 knots'.
Twr: 'Well it's lucky you're landing on the ground then'.
Join Date: Dec 2005
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I heard this story from some veterans of days gone by:
One dark moon evening, as a military atc was reading his novel in the tower of his airfield, situated in the middle of the bush, somewhere in Africa, awaiting the return of 2 Impala jets from a night strike.......he was suddenly shook out of his story by the 2 Impala jets returning early and overflying the tower by a few inches without any navigation lights on. As they pitched up to position onto a downwind for the landing the radio sounded: "Guess who?".
The atc stood up from where he fell off his chair, switched off the runway and airfield lights and replied on the radio:"Guess where?".
One dark moon evening, as a military atc was reading his novel in the tower of his airfield, situated in the middle of the bush, somewhere in Africa, awaiting the return of 2 Impala jets from a night strike.......he was suddenly shook out of his story by the 2 Impala jets returning early and overflying the tower by a few inches without any navigation lights on. As they pitched up to position onto a downwind for the landing the radio sounded: "Guess who?".
The atc stood up from where he fell off his chair, switched off the runway and airfield lights and replied on the radio:"Guess where?".
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Salzburg
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Overheard on Salzburg tower a couple of years ago (paraphrased from memory) ...
Cessna 150: Salzburg Tower, xxx, overhead Hallein at 4000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: xxx, continue to Glasenbach.
Two minutes later
Chopper: Salzburg Tower, yyy, overhead Hallein at 3000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: yyy, continue to Glasenbach.
30 Second later:
Tower: OExxx, a helicopter will - how shall I put it? - undertake you in a few moments.
Servus from Salzburg
Simon
Cessna 150: Salzburg Tower, xxx, overhead Hallein at 4000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: xxx, continue to Glasenbach.
Two minutes later
Chopper: Salzburg Tower, yyy, overhead Hallein at 3000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: yyy, continue to Glasenbach.
30 Second later:
Tower: OExxx, a helicopter will - how shall I put it? - undertake you in a few moments.
Servus from Salzburg
Simon
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Heard out of CHC recently.
Controller: Qantas xx Flxxx no longer available.
Qantas xx: Considering our preflight request and faster aeroplane shouldn't we have preference?
Controller: I don't know the rules.
Air New Zealand: What was thet? Iz thet Warren?
Qantas: I haven't had a laugh for a while, say "fish and chips or better still would you like to buy a vowel (aka Wheel of Fortune)"
Controller: Qantas xx Flxxx no longer available.
Qantas xx: Considering our preflight request and faster aeroplane shouldn't we have preference?
Controller: I don't know the rules.
Air New Zealand: What was thet? Iz thet Warren?
Qantas: I haven't had a laugh for a while, say "fish and chips or better still would you like to buy a vowel (aka Wheel of Fortune)"
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Very early on when I first started to learn to fly I was unfamiliar with the fact that there are no holding points on one runway for an intersecting runway so having completed the pre-take off checks I happily announced "G- **** holding ... err.................." and, forgetting to remove thumb from switch, continued to my FI: "where am I?" to the great amusement of the person in the tower.
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One of Richard Branson's 747s bashing the circuit.
Local flying club CFI "Not often we have a virgin in the circuit".
OK I know it's not that original but things have been getting quiet around here!
Local flying club CFI "Not often we have a virgin in the circuit".
OK I know it's not that original but things have been getting quiet around here!
My turn
Details may not be spot on but the essence is there.
Two parallel queues of aircraft waiting to line up on 27L at Heathrow (holds N1 and N2) and being given conditional clearances. Near the front of one queue is a 737 of Poland's flag carrier.
Tower: Airline XYZ, after the LOT on your right, line up and wait 27 left.
Airline XYZ (newish F/O): Er, do you mean all of them?
Two parallel queues of aircraft waiting to line up on 27L at Heathrow (holds N1 and N2) and being given conditional clearances. Near the front of one queue is a 737 of Poland's flag carrier.
Tower: Airline XYZ, after the LOT on your right, line up and wait 27 left.
Airline XYZ (newish F/O): Er, do you mean all of them?
Last edited by Doug E Style; 10th Jan 2006 at 08:13.