ATC Humour (Merged)
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During IR training in N.Norway
Had performed a missed app and was climbing in a strong headwind, increasing with altitude. Had to get to FL80 because of terrain and mountain waves, so it was a long climb in a PA28.
Reduced to Vx as we was overhead a VOR/DME, just for fun to see how low our groundspeed could get. For about five minutes, the DME groundspeed read 0 to 0.5, every now and then the distance to DME station decreased due to the mountain waves.
ATC: "Spirit xxx, do you have fuel enough to reach your dest with your present speed?"
made me laugh
/FS
Had performed a missed app and was climbing in a strong headwind, increasing with altitude. Had to get to FL80 because of terrain and mountain waves, so it was a long climb in a PA28.
Reduced to Vx as we was overhead a VOR/DME, just for fun to see how low our groundspeed could get. For about five minutes, the DME groundspeed read 0 to 0.5, every now and then the distance to DME station decreased due to the mountain waves.
ATC: "Spirit xxx, do you have fuel enough to reach your dest with your present speed?"
made me laugh
/FS
On approach:
TWR: join circuit on left downwind runway 17
XXX: Runway 17, wilco, XXX
TWR: XXX caution, men working with hand tools in undershoot area 50m from threshold rwy 17
XXX: copy the men with their tools in their hands, XXX
Atlas
TWR: join circuit on left downwind runway 17
XXX: Runway 17, wilco, XXX
TWR: XXX caution, men working with hand tools in undershoot area 50m from threshold rwy 17
XXX: copy the men with their tools in their hands, XXX
Atlas
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Pre-Mission Telephone Brief:
GCI: What u guys doing?
Hawk Pilot: The Lead wants us to act like F3s.
GCI: How exactly?
Hawk Pilot: we're going to delay, delay and then cancel.
GCI: What u guys doing?
Hawk Pilot: The Lead wants us to act like F3s.
GCI: How exactly?
Hawk Pilot: we're going to delay, delay and then cancel.
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Flap Sup: Have actually observed a PA28 from same company with GS of less then 25kts on radar when climbing inbound KRA last winter. Said Pa28 elected to RTB...... 
A certain "Spirit/TFN" callsign (specific to a FI) allso triggered a lot of "comfirm gear down and locked", "your gear is actually down this time", "check landing gear" etc from ATC at home base even when flying in a fixed gear Archer or Grob 115.
Maybe because ATC got wind of a weels-up landing with warning horns blareing in a BE20 sim by that FI earlier that week........
A certain "Spirit/TFN" callsign (specific to a FI) allso triggered a lot of "comfirm gear down and locked", "your gear is actually down this time", "check landing gear" etc from ATC at home base even when flying in a fixed gear Archer or Grob 115.
Maybe because ATC got wind of a weels-up landing with warning horns blareing in a BE20 sim by that FI earlier that week........
Crikey! This thread has grown hasn't it?
I'm looking for a joke/funny story with an Air Traffic theme suitable for telling at an ATC dinner. It mustn't be too technical or else the wives might not understand it - come to think of it the pilots might struggle too! To save me wading through every page on this thread could someone give me a hand and point me in the right direction - or even offer up their own rib-tickler - please?
Any help would be appreciated.
Cheers!
Distinctly
I'm looking for a joke/funny story with an Air Traffic theme suitable for telling at an ATC dinner. It mustn't be too technical or else the wives might not understand it - come to think of it the pilots might struggle too! To save me wading through every page on this thread could someone give me a hand and point me in the right direction - or even offer up their own rib-tickler - please?
Any help would be appreciated.
Cheers!
Distinctly
Nexialist
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Distinctly, some gleanings from the thread for the non-flying community
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."
-------------------------------------------
Been to Frankfurt Before?
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."
----------------------------------------
Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".
-----------------------------------------
Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"
Well, it lightened the day for a while...
-----------------------------------------
A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.
ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?
BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)
Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.
BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth!
---------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
--------------------------------------------
ATC: 'Callsign XXX, for noise abatement turn left 45 degrees'
A/C 'Confirm turn for noise abatement, we are over the sea at FL60?'
ATC: Affirm, have you heard the noise a DHC6 makes when it hits a Nimrod?'
------------------------------------------
Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:
"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)
United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)
...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)
(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"
----------------------------------------
Tower: "Air Force 123, your engine appears to have....ahh disregard, I see you've already ejected".
------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-------------------------------------------
Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"
--------------------------------------------
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."
-------------------------------------------
Been to Frankfurt Before?
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."
----------------------------------------
Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".
-----------------------------------------
Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"
Well, it lightened the day for a while...
-----------------------------------------
A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.
ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?
BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)
Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.
BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth!
---------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
--------------------------------------------
ATC: 'Callsign XXX, for noise abatement turn left 45 degrees'
A/C 'Confirm turn for noise abatement, we are over the sea at FL60?'
ATC: Affirm, have you heard the noise a DHC6 makes when it hits a Nimrod?'
------------------------------------------
Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:
"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)
United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)
...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)
(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"
----------------------------------------
Tower: "Air Force 123, your engine appears to have....ahh disregard, I see you've already ejected".
------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-------------------------------------------
Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"
--------------------------------------------
Sub Judice Angel Lovegod
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Distinctly
MY favourite from the thread only works if Wootton Bassett is in the UK (I think I remember it's near Swindon?).
I won't go hunting for the original but essentially one aircraft is in potential conflict with another and then tells ATC that he has lost sight of it.
ATC: It's behind you
Unidentified a/c on freq: Oh, no it isn't!
2nd Unidentified voice: Oh, yes it is!
Timothy
MY favourite from the thread only works if Wootton Bassett is in the UK (I think I remember it's near Swindon?).
I won't go hunting for the original but essentially one aircraft is in potential conflict with another and then tells ATC that he has lost sight of it.
ATC: It's behind you
Unidentified a/c on freq: Oh, no it isn't!
2nd Unidentified voice: Oh, yes it is!
Timothy
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First off all...Thanks to you all for the postings.. You made my day many times with the stories posted 
So about time to post some stories myself...
This one I experienced myself... A "famous" older pilot here in Norway called me on departure. I have him his clearance...but his readback was completely messed up.
After correcting it...2 times...he got it finally correct... and then he said :
"uffffff....when your age passes your shoe size...(european sizes
) you will get like this too!! " 
Gave me a great laugh
-----------
Next is a "old" one..from a legendary controller here in Norway. This happened at the time when the old airport for Oslo ENFB( Fornebu ) was still in operation.
One of the first airlines to fly 757 to Norway, was BA...I guess the pilot was very proud of his new aircraft...and wanted to "test" out the knowledge of the controller....so this took place on approach to ENFB :
ATC : "Speedbird xxx, reduce to Cleanspeed"
Pilot : (With a very posh, "nose up" english voice)
"Excuse me, but do you know my cleanspeed?"
ATC : (Answered very quickly)
"Negative sir, but you can ask your co-pilot!!"
I can really imagine the long face of the pilot
So about time to post some stories myself...
This one I experienced myself... A "famous" older pilot here in Norway called me on departure. I have him his clearance...but his readback was completely messed up.
After correcting it...2 times...he got it finally correct... and then he said :
"uffffff....when your age passes your shoe size...(european sizes
) you will get like this too!! " Gave me a great laugh
-----------
Next is a "old" one..from a legendary controller here in Norway. This happened at the time when the old airport for Oslo ENFB( Fornebu ) was still in operation.
One of the first airlines to fly 757 to Norway, was BA...I guess the pilot was very proud of his new aircraft...and wanted to "test" out the knowledge of the controller....so this took place on approach to ENFB :
ATC : "Speedbird xxx, reduce to Cleanspeed"
Pilot : (With a very posh, "nose up" english voice)
"Excuse me, but do you know my cleanspeed?"
ATC : (Answered very quickly)
"Negative sir, but you can ask your co-pilot!!"
I can really imagine the long face of the pilot
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The search function is disabled, so this may have already been posted.
FIS
... and as for not farting without ATC approval.... I was on a trip
to Tennessee last year. In WV, there is an intersection named GAASS.
About 15 miles prior to that point the controller said, "Radar
contact temporarily lost, report passing GAASS."
to Tennessee last year. In WV, there is an intersection named GAASS.
About 15 miles prior to that point the controller said, "Radar
contact temporarily lost, report passing GAASS."
On JNB GMC on Saturday
acft: Request Taxi
ATC: Taxi B cat 2 holding point RWY 03L
acft: does that mean that Intersection L not available for departure (and having not requested an intersection departure at any time prior)
ATC: Sorry I loaned my telepathic powers to Superman for the morning and couldn't read your mind. Taxi L holding point RWY 03L
acft: Request Taxi
ATC: Taxi B cat 2 holding point RWY 03L
acft: does that mean that Intersection L not available for departure (and having not requested an intersection departure at any time prior)
ATC: Sorry I loaned my telepathic powers to Superman for the morning and couldn't read your mind. Taxi L holding point RWY 03L
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Overheard at LBA a few years ago (aircraft was, from memory, a British Midland Fokker)
ATC - XXXX Stand 5 facing West please. Pilot duly repeats instruction and heads for the stand.
Two minutes later:
ATC - XXXX, Alright then, stand 5 facing EAST!
Reply from pilot, sounding somewhat embarrassed, "Oh,... er, ... well you see we are used to facing east and anyway, we like to watch the sun come up!
ATC - XXXX Stand 5 facing West please. Pilot duly repeats instruction and heads for the stand.
Two minutes later:
ATC - XXXX, Alright then, stand 5 facing EAST!
Reply from pilot, sounding somewhat embarrassed, "Oh,... er, ... well you see we are used to facing east and anyway, we like to watch the sun come up!
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2 red arrows
2 Red Arrows flying up the East Coast of Scotland.
Red1: "Red2, am I contrailing ? "
Red2: "Negative"
Red1: "Uh, OK - then you're on fire
"
--------------------------------------
Harrier in the circuit at Waddington in marginal weather.
TWR: "X27 are you VMC?"
X27: "Negative, RTB"
--------------------------------------
Possibly same Harrier, a week later ... in similar marginal weather
TWR: "What's your impression of the circuit?"
Harrier: "Sorry, don't do impressions"
----------------------------------------------
And a very tired Scot Mil Controller to a US F111....
ATC: "Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency ?"
Jazz54: "errrr ...... that's a 'negative' Sir"
-----------------------------------------------
And another Scot Mil US F111 exchange
ScMil: "Raven02, what's your next reporting point ?"
Raven02: "We're routing to STABBS"
ScMil: "Actually, it's pronounced 'Saint Abbs' , what's your next reporting point?"
Raven02 : "Ahh, we're routing to Saint Ornoway"
<STN - Stornoway VOR>
-------------------------------
And lastly, large mil exercise off NW Coast of Scotland, involving carrier groups etc...... F14 Tomcat climbs out of low level seeking radar pickup from Scot Mil.......
F14: "Scottish Mil this is <garbled> requesting climbout"
ScotMil: "?? err .. Testicle 01 ....? ...this is Scottish Military, squawk 6501"
F14 : "JESUS H CHRIST, Scottish, the callsign is FASTEAGLE 01, FOXTROT ALPHA SIERRA TANGO ECHO ALPHA GOLF LIMA ECHO !! "
Red1: "Red2, am I contrailing ? "
Red2: "Negative"
Red1: "Uh, OK - then you're on fire
"--------------------------------------
Harrier in the circuit at Waddington in marginal weather.
TWR: "X27 are you VMC?"
X27: "Negative, RTB"
--------------------------------------
Possibly same Harrier, a week later ... in similar marginal weather
TWR: "What's your impression of the circuit?"
Harrier: "Sorry, don't do impressions"
----------------------------------------------
And a very tired Scot Mil Controller to a US F111....
ATC: "Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency ?"
Jazz54: "errrr ...... that's a 'negative' Sir"
-----------------------------------------------
And another Scot Mil US F111 exchange
ScMil: "Raven02, what's your next reporting point ?"
Raven02: "We're routing to STABBS"
ScMil: "Actually, it's pronounced 'Saint Abbs' , what's your next reporting point?"
Raven02 : "Ahh, we're routing to Saint Ornoway"
<STN - Stornoway VOR>
-------------------------------
And lastly, large mil exercise off NW Coast of Scotland, involving carrier groups etc...... F14 Tomcat climbs out of low level seeking radar pickup from Scot Mil.......
F14: "Scottish Mil this is <garbled> requesting climbout"
ScotMil: "?? err .. Testicle 01 ....? ...this is Scottish Military, squawk 6501"
F14 : "JESUS H CHRIST, Scottish, the callsign is FASTEAGLE 01, FOXTROT ALPHA SIERRA TANGO ECHO ALPHA GOLF LIMA ECHO !! "
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Some years ago, at Military Flight School, military ATC loved this procedure, right after landing clearance, with the plane on short final, and would apply it to a rookie student pilot everytime they could:
ATC - Student1, please confirm gear down and locked.
To what a student, flying a good old chipmunk ( so no retracting gear there ), would generaly reply with a looong silence, the a/c leaving the glidepath and leveling right away, resulting in many cases in a go-around, a lot of instructor yellin' and even some helmet hits by a very angry instructor's hand, apart from some very hard "behind"/parachute-area kickin' across the hangar after landing. All in a day's work.
One day, the ATC, soon after giving another chipmunk it's landing clearance, made the same request:
ATC - XXXX, please confirm gear down and locked.
XXXX - Gear down and locked by de Havilland.
The reply was made by one instructor in a hurry to get back to the airfield
ATC - Student1, please confirm gear down and locked.
To what a student, flying a good old chipmunk ( so no retracting gear there ), would generaly reply with a looong silence, the a/c leaving the glidepath and leveling right away, resulting in many cases in a go-around, a lot of instructor yellin' and even some helmet hits by a very angry instructor's hand, apart from some very hard "behind"/parachute-area kickin' across the hangar after landing. All in a day's work.
One day, the ATC, soon after giving another chipmunk it's landing clearance, made the same request:
ATC - XXXX, please confirm gear down and locked.
XXXX - Gear down and locked by de Havilland.
The reply was made by one instructor in a hurry to get back to the airfield
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Like the last one with a twist:
Twr controller unfamiliar with CASA 212 departing:
"Coast Guard xx, your landing gear is down".
"Thank you very much. It has been down since 1986".
Best regards
Twr controller unfamiliar with CASA 212 departing:
"Coast Guard xx, your landing gear is down".
"Thank you very much. It has been down since 1986".
Best regards
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on joburg special rules frequency for air to air position reports..."Uh,all statio-io-io-ns,th-th-th-is i-i-is A-A-A B-B-B C-C-C, (lady pilot stuttering uncontrollably)...then another (male) voice comes up "oh ****** it this is -ABC,C172 Coming up the eastern shore of Hartebeesport dam approx 7000 ft heading southbound...THE WIERD THING IS THAT THE MALE VOICE WAS FROM ANOTHER PLANE! obviously he was fed up with the stuttering, had the a/c in sight and decided to report for them!
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AC to tower after a go - around,
Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway
Tower, unsure of what the AC is trying to tell them due to the pronounciation of the word 'hare' ask AC to repeat,
Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway
Tower still unsure of what is being told to them ask AC to again repeat,
Twr, AC123: you know hares on the runway? Big rabbits!
Tower finally understand what is being said to them and acknowledges.
Unknown callsign: better call the station barber then!
Were quite amusing at the time.
If memory serves every AC in the circuit asked if the livestock had been cleared from the runway when on finals - simple things!
Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway
Tower, unsure of what the AC is trying to tell them due to the pronounciation of the word 'hare' ask AC to repeat,
Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway
Tower still unsure of what is being told to them ask AC to again repeat,
Twr, AC123: you know hares on the runway? Big rabbits!
Tower finally understand what is being said to them and acknowledges.
Unknown callsign: better call the station barber then!
Were quite amusing at the time.
If memory serves every AC in the circuit asked if the livestock had been cleared from the runway when on finals - simple things!
Bottums Up
Landing at YBCG (Coolangatta, now Goald Coast) in an N22 Nomad, many many moons ago, and a rabbit was obseved darting across the runway just in the beam of the nose leg mounted landing light.
Tower advised and by the the time I'd parked, the advice went something like, "You got 'im, and his teeth are now poking out of his @rse"!
Tower advised and by the the time I'd parked, the advice went something like, "You got 'im, and his teeth are now poking out of his @rse"!
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Heard this one a while back.
(Upper Airspace over Ireland)
Shannon: ABC123 For noise, turn left heading 275.
A/C: Left heading 275, but why for noise at F370?
Shannon: You ever heard two 747's crash? Its a shockin bang!
(Upper Airspace over Ireland)
Shannon: ABC123 For noise, turn left heading 275.
A/C: Left heading 275, but why for noise at F370?
Shannon: You ever heard two 747's crash? Its a shockin bang!