ATC Humour (Merged)
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Posted this elsewhere but what the heck
Was a pax in a UAL boeing 777 a while back taking off from LHR if I remember correctly. I had the privilege of listening in on all the radio transmissions in the pointy end. We were only a short time into our taxi run when a female ATC's voice came over the radio
"Flight xxxx. Are you ready for takeoff."
I was feeling eh slightly alarmed in the back of the aircraft upon hearing this.
Captain who couldn't resist a sarcastic reply retorts:
"We will be when we get there"
Was a pax in a UAL boeing 777 a while back taking off from LHR if I remember correctly. I had the privilege of listening in on all the radio transmissions in the pointy end. We were only a short time into our taxi run when a female ATC's voice came over the radio
"Flight xxxx. Are you ready for takeoff."
I was feeling eh slightly alarmed in the back of the aircraft upon hearing this.
Captain who couldn't resist a sarcastic reply retorts:
"We will be when we get there"
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Well mine isnt that exciting, but the happy Bristol ATCO, Wont mention no names, once asked a pilot on freq "We're all going down the pub tonight, would you like to join us?" Then a BRT pilot butted in "You didnt invite us to the pub!" ATCO: "Well, you're perfectly welcome to come!"
Hes a funny guy this one
.
Dan.
Hes a funny guy this one
.Dan.
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Oops at Luton!
This happened tonight 10th December 2003 Around 17:00
Picture the scene.
Fog is causing chaos across most of South East England with Stansted and Heathrow operating at vastly reduced capacities. There is one small island of clear in all this. Miraculously Luton (normally a fog magnet) is clear. So diverts are coming in from all directions. At one point I counted 7 planes inbound or vectoring either side of the Runway 26 approach. The aprons are crammed with biz jets and airliners that have set down earlier in the afternoon. Tower and Ground are working flat out with inbounds spaced at 7 miles and Ground desperately trying to clear the backlog of planes holding by the fire station. Thus keepng the runway clear.
Plane just been instructed to vacate right and join the queue when this cuts across ground...
Unidentified Pilot:
"Welcome to this ........ flight to Madrid. This is Capt........ and I'll be flying you to Madrid this evening. I apologise for the long delay to this flight. This was caused by a first officer becoming un available and the person you have just seen walking up the steps is the stand in who has just made his way from Gatwick. You can imagine the delay caused by driving around the M25 on a night like this. We are just going to spend the next five minutes catching up on paper work..............continues for next 3 minutes."
Unidentified voice when finally the pilot releases his finger from the transmit button:
"Now try that talking to the passengers"
Unidentified Pilot:
muffled voice "sorry ....)
Unidentified voice:
"gee, that was the longest one I've heard!"
The guilty party then waited a good 15 minutes (until a lot of the planes that had heard him had dissapeared off frequency) before apologising to ground. Who was very pragmatic about it and offered sympathy to the pilot concerned.
So own up. Was it a PPRuNer?
DeepC
(In my car waiting for my wife to arrive from Holland)
Picture the scene.
Fog is causing chaos across most of South East England with Stansted and Heathrow operating at vastly reduced capacities. There is one small island of clear in all this. Miraculously Luton (normally a fog magnet) is clear. So diverts are coming in from all directions. At one point I counted 7 planes inbound or vectoring either side of the Runway 26 approach. The aprons are crammed with biz jets and airliners that have set down earlier in the afternoon. Tower and Ground are working flat out with inbounds spaced at 7 miles and Ground desperately trying to clear the backlog of planes holding by the fire station. Thus keepng the runway clear.
Plane just been instructed to vacate right and join the queue when this cuts across ground...
Unidentified Pilot:
"Welcome to this ........ flight to Madrid. This is Capt........ and I'll be flying you to Madrid this evening. I apologise for the long delay to this flight. This was caused by a first officer becoming un available and the person you have just seen walking up the steps is the stand in who has just made his way from Gatwick. You can imagine the delay caused by driving around the M25 on a night like this. We are just going to spend the next five minutes catching up on paper work..............continues for next 3 minutes."
Unidentified voice when finally the pilot releases his finger from the transmit button:
"Now try that talking to the passengers"
Unidentified Pilot:
muffled voice "sorry ....)
Unidentified voice:
"gee, that was the longest one I've heard!"
The guilty party then waited a good 15 minutes (until a lot of the planes that had heard him had dissapeared off frequency) before apologising to ground. Who was very pragmatic about it and offered sympathy to the pilot concerned.
So own up. Was it a PPRuNer?
DeepC
(In my car waiting for my wife to arrive from Holland)
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While doing circuits at a mil airfield in Norway:
Controller: Seascan 124, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! In that case you have traffic at 5 oclock!
/FS
Controller: Seascan 124, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! In that case you have traffic at 5 oclock!
/FS
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Marginal wx...small light aircraft calls for start and taxi
"xxx TWR, G-ABCD request start and taxi for a local flight"
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"GABCD START APPROVED, ARE YOU GOING VFR?"
pause
"xxxTWR, G-CD no sir, we are not going very far....."
"xxx TWR, G-ABCD request start and taxi for a local flight"
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"GABCD START APPROVED, ARE YOU GOING VFR?"
pause
"xxxTWR, G-CD no sir, we are not going very far....."
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About two years ago,flying back my metro to my home base,Wichita KS, on a Sat morning..
As always,it seemed that the weather always gets worse the last day of the week when one just wants to go home..
The landing on a iced up runway(freezing rain hit the airport all morning.)was uneventful eventhough i was glad to know how to snowboard..just felt like it.
Anyways I was slowly taxiing in(took me 15 minutes for a normal 2min one).
Me:" running out of salt this morning?"
ATC:" Kansas is a poor state Sir"
ATC"LearXXX,hows the taxiing?"
LearXX"bit slow but we manage..."
ATC"You may want to have a look at your nosewheel when you get to the Apron"
LearXX"Certainly ..why?"
ATC"its pointing 90 degrees from your heading SIr"
LearXX"Request clearance to taxi to XXXHangar for maintenance"
Safe Flying,
M.85
As always,it seemed that the weather always gets worse the last day of the week when one just wants to go home..
The landing on a iced up runway(freezing rain hit the airport all morning.)was uneventful eventhough i was glad to know how to snowboard..just felt like it.
Anyways I was slowly taxiing in(took me 15 minutes for a normal 2min one).
Me:" running out of salt this morning?"
ATC:" Kansas is a poor state Sir"
ATC"LearXXX,hows the taxiing?"
LearXX"bit slow but we manage..."
ATC"You may want to have a look at your nosewheel when you get to the Apron"
LearXX"Certainly ..why?"
ATC"its pointing 90 degrees from your heading SIr"
LearXX"Request clearance to taxi to XXXHangar for maintenance"
Safe Flying,
M.85
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overheard in the high sector:
ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
1 minute passes
ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
another minute goes by
ATC "
"Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
Delta 1234 - "Delta 1234"
ATC _"sir we have been trying to call you for 3 minutes, contact Ft Worth on xxx.xx"
Delta - "Sorry we were on the land line"
ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
1 minute passes
ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
another minute goes by
ATC "
"Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
Delta 1234 - "Delta 1234"
ATC _"sir we have been trying to call you for 3 minutes, contact Ft Worth on xxx.xx"
Delta - "Sorry we were on the land line"
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Happened yesterday:
Pilot: "London, can you give us the Manston information?"
ATC: "OK, Do you require the weather or airfield data?"
Pilot: "Runway in use would be good"
ATC: "Well the wind is showing as 310 at 12 so it looks like 28"
Pilot:"Roger. . . . . . and are they doing visual approaches?"
ATC: "My information is showing CAVOK so I'm sure it's possible."
Pilot: "Thanks London"
ATC: "No problem, anything else I can get you?"
Pilot: "Chocks and stairs would be nice!"
Pilot: "London, can you give us the Manston information?"
ATC: "OK, Do you require the weather or airfield data?"
Pilot: "Runway in use would be good"
ATC: "Well the wind is showing as 310 at 12 so it looks like 28"
Pilot:"Roger. . . . . . and are they doing visual approaches?"
ATC: "My information is showing CAVOK so I'm sure it's possible."
Pilot: "Thanks London"
ATC: "No problem, anything else I can get you?"
Pilot: "Chocks and stairs would be nice!"
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I have not read all the posts in this thread, so I don’t know if it is appropriate to tell on one’s self or not. However I shall anyway.
Many years ago, when I was a Boeing 727 Captain for the United States Marshal Service, I had a little run in with a arrogant US Airways “BIG AIRPLANE” pilot flying a 737, yes a 737. At the time we were only using “N” and the aircraft number, we had been using Boeing XXX, but a new boss and new rules resulted in us using just the NXXX call sign. (Using the aircraft type in front of the number is standard in the US.)
Anyway, on with the story:
We were driving down some J-route on the East Coast at FL310 and the ATC conversation went like this.
ATC; “NXXX say mach.”
Little ole us; “Mach .81.”
ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”
US Air XXX; “.74”
ATC; “US Air XXX can you increase to .80?”
US Air XXX; “Negative.”
ATC; “Can increase speed any?”
US Air XXX; “Negative.”
Having no luck with US Air ATC calls us and asked; “NXXX can you reduce to .74?”
Little ole us; “Well, yes we can if we have to.”
ATC; “Thanks, maintain .74.”
We agree to fly .74 and the 72 does not like to fly at .74, we are wallowing around and damn near using the same amount of at .74 as we were at .81. Anyway a few minutes pass and ATC calls us again.
ATC; “NXXX are you at .74?”
Little ole us; “Yup.”
ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”
US Air; “.74”
ATC; “NXXX you are still catching the US Air, can you reduce any more?”
My buddy in the right seat allows that we really don’t want to slow down anymore and asks if we can be vectored around the US Air flight. The controller thinks about this for a minute or two and makes a great decision.
ATC; “NXXX you can wrong way 330 and normal speed for a while until you pass the 737.”
Little ole us; “Yes sir we can do that.”
ATC; “NXXX maintain current speed until reaching FL330 and then resume normal speed, cleared to FL330.”
My buddy in the right seat reads back the clearance and I wake up the FE and get max. continuous EPR and off we go. Never being one to let sleeping dogs lie my buddy in the right seat calls ATC when we level at 330 (about a minute after we read back the climb clearance) and lets everybody on frequency know that we are accelerating to normal cruise speed. And our friend in the 73 decides that he just has to say something. (He does not know that we are in a 72.)
US Air XXX; “Sorry to inconvenience the little guy there.” (Said with a very condescending attitude.)
At this time I decide to exert some of that command stuff and tell my buddy in the right seat that I will handle this call.
Little ole us: (me) “Oh that’s ok, you don’t have to apologize for flying a ‘Baby Boeing Speed Bump.”
Anyway we passed him doing about .87 mach (I was still at max. continuous) and a few minutes later ATC calls us.
ATC; “NXXX you are passed the flying speed bump and you can go back down to 310 now.”
Well, we had a good laugh over it. Don’t know about the ‘Big Airplane Pilot’.
Many years ago, when I was a Boeing 727 Captain for the United States Marshal Service, I had a little run in with a arrogant US Airways “BIG AIRPLANE” pilot flying a 737, yes a 737. At the time we were only using “N” and the aircraft number, we had been using Boeing XXX, but a new boss and new rules resulted in us using just the NXXX call sign. (Using the aircraft type in front of the number is standard in the US.)
Anyway, on with the story:
We were driving down some J-route on the East Coast at FL310 and the ATC conversation went like this.
ATC; “NXXX say mach.”
Little ole us; “Mach .81.”
ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”
US Air XXX; “.74”
ATC; “US Air XXX can you increase to .80?”
US Air XXX; “Negative.”
ATC; “Can increase speed any?”
US Air XXX; “Negative.”
Having no luck with US Air ATC calls us and asked; “NXXX can you reduce to .74?”
Little ole us; “Well, yes we can if we have to.”
ATC; “Thanks, maintain .74.”
We agree to fly .74 and the 72 does not like to fly at .74, we are wallowing around and damn near using the same amount of at .74 as we were at .81. Anyway a few minutes pass and ATC calls us again.
ATC; “NXXX are you at .74?”
Little ole us; “Yup.”
ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”
US Air; “.74”
ATC; “NXXX you are still catching the US Air, can you reduce any more?”
My buddy in the right seat allows that we really don’t want to slow down anymore and asks if we can be vectored around the US Air flight. The controller thinks about this for a minute or two and makes a great decision.
ATC; “NXXX you can wrong way 330 and normal speed for a while until you pass the 737.”
Little ole us; “Yes sir we can do that.”
ATC; “NXXX maintain current speed until reaching FL330 and then resume normal speed, cleared to FL330.”
My buddy in the right seat reads back the clearance and I wake up the FE and get max. continuous EPR and off we go. Never being one to let sleeping dogs lie my buddy in the right seat calls ATC when we level at 330 (about a minute after we read back the climb clearance) and lets everybody on frequency know that we are accelerating to normal cruise speed. And our friend in the 73 decides that he just has to say something. (He does not know that we are in a 72.)
US Air XXX; “Sorry to inconvenience the little guy there.” (Said with a very condescending attitude.)
At this time I decide to exert some of that command stuff and tell my buddy in the right seat that I will handle this call.
Little ole us: (me) “Oh that’s ok, you don’t have to apologize for flying a ‘Baby Boeing Speed Bump.”
Anyway we passed him doing about .87 mach (I was still at max. continuous) and a few minutes later ATC calls us.
ATC; “NXXX you are passed the flying speed bump and you can go back down to 310 now.”
Well, we had a good laugh over it. Don’t know about the ‘Big Airplane Pilot’.
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Late August 2002, VFR nav flight in an Arrow from Lanseria to Gaborone. The (female) approach ATCO vectored us towards the VOR, which sent us over high ground to the South of the airport in rain. I'm not happy with ground clearance and my mate in the RH seat (handling R/T) asks to confirm altitude.
The ATCO comes back with the same clearance and adds "are you in contact with the ground?" Quick as a flash, my mate answers in his Scouse accent "negative, but at this altitude we will be soon!"
I was still laughing during taxy...
The ATCO comes back with the same clearance and adds "are you in contact with the ground?" Quick as a flash, my mate answers in his Scouse accent "negative, but at this altitude we will be soon!"
I was still laughing during taxy...
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Similar to other, but I found it funny
Working GMC the other day, a delightful voice from one of out domestic carriers tried to establish contact.
Her : {click}"FACT ground, this is XXX-123".
20 seconds go by
Her : "FACT ground, this is XXX-123".
10 seconds go by
Her : "CAPE TOWN GROUND THIS IS XXX-123 CALLING, RADIO CHECK.'
5 seconds go by
Her : " CAPE TOWN GROUND, THIS IS XXX-123 ESTABLISHING COMS ON 121.9MHZ, ARE YOU THERE?????"
Her : "oh cummon what does this damn controller think he is doing? Why is he ignoring us? We are going to miss our slot and then be late. I wish he would just tell us to stand by or somethi......"{click}
Not very suprisingly I spoke to a different voice when they responded to my calls.
What I don't understand was I was transmitting over her during her pauses. Why wasn't it causaing feedback or at leas interferance in their cockpit? They were close enough to my transmitters
27F
Her : {click}"FACT ground, this is XXX-123".
20 seconds go by
Her : "FACT ground, this is XXX-123".
10 seconds go by
Her : "CAPE TOWN GROUND THIS IS XXX-123 CALLING, RADIO CHECK.'
5 seconds go by
Her : " CAPE TOWN GROUND, THIS IS XXX-123 ESTABLISHING COMS ON 121.9MHZ, ARE YOU THERE?????"
Her : "oh cummon what does this damn controller think he is doing? Why is he ignoring us? We are going to miss our slot and then be late. I wish he would just tell us to stand by or somethi......"{click}
Not very suprisingly I spoke to a different voice when they responded to my calls.
What I don't understand was I was transmitting over her during her pauses. Why wasn't it causaing feedback or at leas interferance in their cockpit? They were close enough to my transmitters
27F
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One busy afternoon we were inbound to one of my favourite African destinations with a new controller asking for our position every minute or so. 'Three-zero-two radial at seven-seven DME, over. Three-zero-two radial at seven-one DME, etc, etc.'
This became a bit wearing so that I finally told him, after about the fifth request, 'I'm sitting up front, over.' We were able to motor most of the rest of the way in blissful silence!
In another, related, case, someone was approaching the same spot in an HS-125, really moving. Came the same request, with a position report given, followed by,'Say again?'
So the first answer given differed from the second, and so on, due to the speed of the HS-125. Finally the controller asked, 'Ah! Ogah! Why you no say de same numbah twice?'
This became a bit wearing so that I finally told him, after about the fifth request, 'I'm sitting up front, over.' We were able to motor most of the rest of the way in blissful silence!
In another, related, case, someone was approaching the same spot in an HS-125, really moving. Came the same request, with a position report given, followed by,'Say again?'
So the first answer given differed from the second, and so on, due to the speed of the HS-125. Finally the controller asked, 'Ah! Ogah! Why you no say de same numbah twice?'
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Just a few days ago, I was flying in a local practice area while in contact with Tulsa Tracon. It was kinda bumpy in our cessna 152. Mid-way into the flight, i hear a old guy saying something like: "This is XXX, its as 'rough as a cop' up here, could we go lower?"
The ATCO had a good laugh and so did we
The ATCO had a good laugh and so did we
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somewhere on s-e europe TMA:
123... ,..radar, make a 360 to the right.
..radar,123 ,which right ,mine or yours?
123 .. WAIT. make it mine now,I've just stopped turning the chair
123... ,..radar, make a 360 to the right.
..radar,123 ,which right ,mine or yours?
123 .. WAIT. make it mine now,I've just stopped turning the chair
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Here's a couple more from the South West!
"London VPCTJ request descent please, I'm handflying the aircraft as the autopilot's not working properly"
"TJ roger, descend FL250 initially"
"Roger FL250, TJ"
"London good evening BAW8086 FL360 - on Autopilot as the crew aren't working properly!"
and;
(for us Brits this one! Got his number I think
)
"RYR118 continue on your present heading and report it"
"118,118"
"London VPCTJ request descent please, I'm handflying the aircraft as the autopilot's not working properly"
"TJ roger, descend FL250 initially"
"Roger FL250, TJ"
"London good evening BAW8086 FL360 - on Autopilot as the crew aren't working properly!"
and;
(for us Brits this one! Got his number I think
)"RYR118 continue on your present heading and report it"
"118,118"
Gentleman Aviator
Last bit of last post reminds me of a time many years ago flying Chipmunks from (I think?) Rufforth in Yorkshire. QFE and runway change relayed to self, callsign C56.
Was able to acknowledge thus: "1012, 34, 56!"
Well .... it amused me at the time
Was able to acknowledge thus: "1012, 34, 56!"
Well .... it amused me at the time
Sub Judice Angel Lovegod
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Heard today at Biggin Hill, with the circuit packed, streams of aircraft getting back just before dark, two rotaries hovering between the runways, people stepping on each other's transmissions and the ATCO pretty much at the peak of capacity...fairly typical nice weekend day at a busy GA airfield.
TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-**AX Biggin Tower are you receiving my transmissions?
G-AX: Sorry 'bout that, Tower, we were talking to each other.
TWR: Well, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but would you mind changing to Approach on 129.4?
TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-**AX Biggin Tower are you receiving my transmissions?
G-AX: Sorry 'bout that, Tower, we were talking to each other.
TWR: Well, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but would you mind changing to Approach on 129.4?
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Danish lady controller on GMC instructing a/c just vacated to give way to a/c taxying:
"c/s that Gulfstream is coming over your nose, after him taxy on ..."
Nearly fell out of my seat.
"c/s that Gulfstream is coming over your nose, after him taxy on ..."
Nearly fell out of my seat.
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Climbing out of BHX on the easy SID.
at 2000ft flipped to approach.
PNF "Manchester .... and all the usual stuff"
BHX approach "don't call me Manchester!!"
Made me laugh and turn 1D late for TNT
at 2000ft flipped to approach.
PNF "Manchester .... and all the usual stuff"
BHX approach "don't call me Manchester!!"
Made me laugh and turn 1D late for TNT