Distinctly, some gleanings from the thread for the non-flying community
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."
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Been to Frankfurt Before?
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."
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Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".
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Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"
Well, it lightened the day for a while...
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A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.
ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?
BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)
Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.
BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth!
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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ATC: 'Callsign XXX, for noise abatement turn left 45 degrees'
A/C 'Confirm turn for noise abatement, we are over the sea at FL60?'
ATC: Affirm, have you heard the noise a DHC6 makes when it hits a Nimrod?'
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Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:
"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)
United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)
...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)
(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"
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Tower: "Air Force 123, your engine appears to have....ahh disregard, I see you've already ejected".
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"
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