ATC IssuesA place where pilots may enter the 'lions den' that is Air Traffic Control in complete safety and find out the answers to all those obscure topics which you always wanted to know the answer to but were afraid to ask.
Heard over a certain area of the desert. Not inherently funny – just “odd”:
ATC: XXX, Are you ok with the visual approach to Runway xx?
Pilot: XXX We are maintaining visual. What do you mean?
ATC: XXX Confirm you are able visual approach to Runway xx.
Pilot: A visual approach. To see the runway?
ATC: Errr…affirm. Can you accept a visual approach to the runway?
Pilot: I suppose we can yes but standby. I must speak with my captain.
Pilot: (after a few seconds) My captain cannot see it. I cannot see it. We can’t see it. We cannot see the runway from here.
ATC: I know that, sir. You are still five zero miles to run. We are just asking if you can accept a visual approach to Runway xx. Or you can have vectors to the ILS Runway xx if you would prefer?
Pilot: Is it cloudy at the airport? Can you see the runway? We cannot do a visual in cloudy. No one can do this.
ATC: XXX, Yes, of course. You are correct. My apologies. Turn left heading 240.
note - I’m not ATC or Aircrew so ‘scuse if this isn’t quite wright...
Apparently... supposedly at LHR*1 .... way way back in history*2 when some corporate/private movements were possible... on a sunday afternoon..
North American voice calls up for approach instructions.
Twr : What;s your type ?
North American voice : we’re a Helio
Twr : proceeds to give instructions for helicopter approach, speed, height, reporting point etc
North American voice : confirms
...
North American voice : at reporting point etc
Twr: no other traffic, landing clearance etc
North American voice : tower where do we land ?
Twr: the large concrete area with the big white circle with an “H” in the middle
North American voice : confirm
...
North American voice : tower, sorry we ran onto the grass by a couple of feet
Twr: long silence as helipad is closely examind thru’ the binoculars
[p.s. blame Niall (LHR twr), Dave (latcc, that place in Scotland with the magic bedstead radar), Pete (latcc), Andy (lattc, manch, various) et al]
*1 I think you call it EGLL for some reason
*2 when there were hangars for Fields & Air India where T4 is now, Swissair operated Coronados (the only aircraft you could identify at 10 miles simply from the smoke), the largest aircraft available to the discerning buyer was the DC8-61/3, Air France had nearly new “Deux Ponts” and “the Prince of Darkness” was occasionally remembering that navigation & landing lights actually were fitted to his DC6F (or was it a 4F ?).
A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.
Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.
The following was heard on tower frequency:
A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'
after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:
TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'
The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.
And one that happened to me:
I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:
Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'
A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.
Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.
The following was heard on tower frequency:
A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'
after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:
TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'
The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.
And one that happened to me:
I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:
Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'
This was a few years ago, I was a new CFI at a new airfield in a plane I'd only flown 2 or 3 times before with the Chief Pilot.
I was teaching the students a takeoff at a very busy airfield (Busiest single runway airport in the U.S. last time I checked).
"We use the rudder pedals to align ourself with the centerline, when we reach .. " etc etc through rotate. At this point I realized the normally very congested freq was silent...
Me: (release PTT)
ATC: Thank you for the wonderful takeoff lesson Nxxx
Me: You'll receive my bill at the end of the month. Please pay cash.
28 August 2003, flying a PA-28 to Chalons-Vatry (LFOK) in France:
Me: "Vatry Tower, good afternoon. Cherokee F-GIEQ, 15 nm south, inbound from Troyes at 3,000 ft, QNH 1023, request rejoin for one touch and go".
Chalons TWR: "Good afternoon F-EQ. Runway 10 is in use, RH circuit, report downwind for touch and go. One Air France 777 doing circuit practice, caution wake turbulence".
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."
From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:
French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."
A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"
Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:
"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)
From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...
Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."
Bless GA !
GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM
Flying at that glider site (Aston Down) I can confirm that, and worse, happens only too frequently. Point of confusion is that the two fields have vaguely similar runways and are only 4 miles apart.
A couple of weeks ago a helicopter approached the control tower (i.e. the clubhouse) and buzzed around it like a wasp around a jam jar. He had the decency to phone up and apologise.
I've watched a GA plane line up and overfly the double decker bus, then realise Something Isn't Right, and do a circuit of the field rolling their wings left and right. Clearly the mental process is "where the hell am I".
Club legend has it that a B52 once lined up on the 6000' runway, before realising its mistake. However, the photo of the A320 parked outside the hangers is definitely a fake
The worst-case scenario is that a glider is going up on the winch on runway 21, when a GA plane overflies runway 09. As long as there isn't a collision, we theorise the glider would be OK; the GA plane might be sliced in two by the cable, but that's another issue.
While working on my PPL(H), I was flying mostly in the early mornings, and got in a habit when I made my initial calls. Trying to be polite/pleasant with the controllers, I would start my call with a quick "Good Morning, Hillsboro Tower.....".
This was all fine and good, until I started to fly some later blocks in the day. At first it was just somewhat humorous, take off in the morning, my instructor would spend the next hour turning me around, challenging me, and sometimes I would forget that we were returning and it was afternoon. I was still making my calls "Good Morning Hillsboro Tower.....". Occasionally, the tower would make a quick correction, and a quick laugh was had by all.
Anyways, just after I had gotten my PPL(H), and was back after a couple weeks off, my instructor and I went out for a quick flight. I proceeded to our spot on the ramp, and finished my checks. Just as I am about to make my call, my instructor looks over, and jokingly says, "just remember, it's afternoon already".
Right.
Me: "Good Afternoon Hillsboro Tower, Helicopter XXXX at HAI with Bravo, requesting a south departure."
Tower (sounded like he was almost laughing): "Good Morning Helicopter XXXX, cleared for a south departure."
My instructor and I just looked at each other, and I tried not to chuckle while giving me readback.
Heli calls up low level and as usual due to a bloody great big hill, we can't talk to him ....
ATC: Heli803 Could you relay traffic on yourself to low level company traffic G-XXXC
(Heli Relays - sterling effort, even got the QNH in, and then does it again off his own back to another A/C)
ATC: Heli803, thanks for that, if you would take a pay cut we could get you a job
Last edited by Sweet Potatos : 23rd April 2008 at 17:31.
Reason: protecting identity!
Lon More. No doubt you know Les West?? On the day of his last medical just before retirement he popped downstairs to the medical centre and had a mooch around. When the doc came to give him his eye test he asked Les to read to lowest line and Les said "10CA 234567". He'd mugged up the reference number of the sight test box and "read" the numbers, which were about 1/4" high!!! The doc was initially amazed.... but he knew Les and soon fell about!
where is the courthouse, for 623PA?" 
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