ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Apr 2003
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25 June 2001, while on a VFR nav flight from Ft. Pierce (KFPR) to Naples (KAPF) in Florida:
Me: "Naples Tower, Cessna 623PA, is now 5 miles West, visual with the field, joining downwind".
TWR: "623PA, roger, report over the courthouse".
Me: "Er...
where is the courthouse, for 623PA?"
TWR: "First time in Naples, eh? OK, 623PA, report left base runway 14"
Me: "Naples Tower, Cessna 623PA, is now 5 miles West, visual with the field, joining downwind".
TWR: "623PA, roger, report over the courthouse".
Me: "Er...
where is the courthouse, for 623PA?" TWR: "First time in Naples, eh? OK, 623PA, report left base runway 14"
niknak
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Gentleman of Bavarian extraction is booking out over the 'phone:
ATC: .......and finally, could you give me the souls on board, time enroute and fuel endurance.
Pilot: 2 pob, 4 hours and vot else vos it?
ATC: the fuel endurance.
Pilot: Sorry, vot?
ATC: Fuel endurance, how much fuel do you have on board - hours?
Pilot: hours? no my name is Hanz...
ATC: .......and finally, could you give me the souls on board, time enroute and fuel endurance.
Pilot: 2 pob, 4 hours and vot else vos it?
ATC: the fuel endurance.
Pilot: Sorry, vot?
ATC: Fuel endurance, how much fuel do you have on board - hours?
Pilot: hours? no my name is Hanz...
Join Date: Jan 2008
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This was a few years ago, I was a new CFI at a new airfield in a plane I'd only flown 2 or 3 times before with the Chief Pilot.
I was teaching the students a takeoff at a very busy airfield (Busiest single runway airport in the U.S. last time I checked).
"We use the rudder pedals to align ourself with the centerline, when we reach .. " etc etc through rotate. At this point I realized the normally very congested freq was silent...
Me: (release PTT)
ATC: Thank you for the wonderful takeoff lesson Nxxx
Me: You'll receive my bill at the end of the month. Please pay cash.
They still make fun of me for that one.
I was teaching the students a takeoff at a very busy airfield (Busiest single runway airport in the U.S. last time I checked).
"We use the rudder pedals to align ourself with the centerline, when we reach .. " etc etc through rotate. At this point I realized the normally very congested freq was silent...
Me: (release PTT)
ATC: Thank you for the wonderful takeoff lesson Nxxx
Me: You'll receive my bill at the end of the month. Please pay cash.
They still make fun of me for that one.
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Although it wasn't meant to be funny at the time;
28 August 2003, flying a PA-28 to Chalons-Vatry (LFOK) in France:
Me: "Vatry Tower, good afternoon. Cherokee F-GIEQ, 15 nm south, inbound from Troyes at 3,000 ft, QNH 1023, request rejoin for one touch and go".
Chalons TWR: "Good afternoon F-EQ. Runway 10 is in use, RH circuit, report downwind for touch and go. One Air France 777 doing circuit practice, caution wake turbulence".
No sh!t...
28 August 2003, flying a PA-28 to Chalons-Vatry (LFOK) in France:
Me: "Vatry Tower, good afternoon. Cherokee F-GIEQ, 15 nm south, inbound from Troyes at 3,000 ft, QNH 1023, request rejoin for one touch and go".
Chalons TWR: "Good afternoon F-EQ. Runway 10 is in use, RH circuit, report downwind for touch and go. One Air France 777 doing circuit practice, caution wake turbulence".
No sh!t...
Join Date: Dec 2007
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Somebody sent this in an email to me btw.
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."
From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:
French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."
A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"
Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:
"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)
From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...
Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."
From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:
French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."
A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"
Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:
"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)
From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...
Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."
niknak
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I suspect that this may be old and probably re written but this is how it was told to me:
Chinese gentleman is doing his ATPL in the USA with an established operator prior to going on to fly Air China B747s or similar:
"xxx tower, N123 Rocariser estbrished"
"N123 tower roger, continue approach, request your intentions..."
"xxx tower loger, contnue apploach and say rast bit again?"
"N123 request your intentions..."
"Say again tower?..."
Experienced U.S pilot intervenes and trys to assist....
"N123 from United 234, the tower want to know what you are going to next..."
"Ah loger! When I finished, I go home and fry big jet for Air China!..."
Chinese gentleman is doing his ATPL in the USA with an established operator prior to going on to fly Air China B747s or similar:
"xxx tower, N123 Rocariser estbrished"
"N123 tower roger, continue approach, request your intentions..."
"xxx tower loger, contnue apploach and say rast bit again?"
"N123 request your intentions..."
"Say again tower?..."
Experienced U.S pilot intervenes and trys to assist....
"N123 from United 234, the tower want to know what you are going to next..."
"Ah loger! When I finished, I go home and fry big jet for Air China!..."
Join Date: Jul 2007
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Re: Bless GA
Bless GA !
GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM
Flying at that glider site (Aston Down) I can confirm that, and worse, happens only too frequently. Point of confusion is that the two fields have vaguely similar runways and are only 4 miles apart. GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM
A couple of weeks ago a helicopter approached the control tower (i.e. the clubhouse) and buzzed around it like a wasp around a jam jar. He had the decency to phone up and apologise.
I've watched a GA plane line up and overfly the double decker bus, then realise Something Isn't Right, and do a circuit of the field rolling their wings left and right. Clearly the mental process is "where the hell am I".
Club legend has it that a B52 once lined up on the 6000' runway, before realising its mistake. However, the photo of the A320 parked outside the hangers is definitely a fake
The worst-case scenario is that a glider is going up on the winch on runway 21, when a GA plane overflies runway 09. As long as there isn't a collision, we theorise the glider would be OK; the GA plane might be sliced in two by the cable, but that's another issue.
More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
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A Polish controller applied for one of the conversion courses at Eurocontrol. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Pole replied, "He was my Supervisor in Warsaw!"
good luck with the transfer guys
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Pole replied, "He was my Supervisor in Warsaw!"
good luck with the transfer guys
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While working on my PPL(H), I was flying mostly in the early mornings, and got in a habit when I made my initial calls. Trying to be polite/pleasant with the controllers, I would start my call with a quick "Good Morning, Hillsboro Tower.....".
This was all fine and good, until I started to fly some later blocks in the day. At first it was just somewhat humorous, take off in the morning, my instructor would spend the next hour turning me around, challenging me, and sometimes I would forget that we were returning and it was afternoon. I was still making my calls "Good Morning Hillsboro Tower.....". Occasionally, the tower would make a quick correction, and a quick laugh was had by all.
Anyways, just after I had gotten my PPL(H), and was back after a couple weeks off, my instructor and I went out for a quick flight. I proceeded to our spot on the ramp, and finished my checks. Just as I am about to make my call, my instructor looks over, and jokingly says, "just remember, it's afternoon already".
Right.
Me: "Good Afternoon Hillsboro Tower, Helicopter XXXX at HAI with Bravo, requesting a south departure."
Tower (sounded like he was almost laughing): "Good Morning Helicopter XXXX, cleared for a south departure."
My instructor and I just looked at each other, and I tried not to chuckle while giving me readback.
I think they are making fun of me.
This was all fine and good, until I started to fly some later blocks in the day. At first it was just somewhat humorous, take off in the morning, my instructor would spend the next hour turning me around, challenging me, and sometimes I would forget that we were returning and it was afternoon. I was still making my calls "Good Morning Hillsboro Tower.....". Occasionally, the tower would make a quick correction, and a quick laugh was had by all.
Anyways, just after I had gotten my PPL(H), and was back after a couple weeks off, my instructor and I went out for a quick flight. I proceeded to our spot on the ramp, and finished my checks. Just as I am about to make my call, my instructor looks over, and jokingly says, "just remember, it's afternoon already".
Right.
Me: "Good Afternoon Hillsboro Tower, Helicopter XXXX at HAI with Bravo, requesting a south departure."
Tower (sounded like he was almost laughing): "Good Morning Helicopter XXXX, cleared for a south departure."
My instructor and I just looked at each other, and I tried not to chuckle while giving me readback.
I think they are making fun of me.
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Overheard recently
twr: ABC , Rotorua Tower
ABC : ABC request taxi Rotorua, with information India, 1014, POB 1
I missed the rest , due to nearby laughter
Callsign changed to protect the distracted ( after all, while the humor deserves to be shared, there is no point slamming the poor guy too much )
twr: ABC , Rotorua Tower
ABC : ABC request taxi Rotorua, with information India, 1014, POB 1
I missed the rest , due to nearby laughter
Callsign changed to protect the distracted ( after all, while the humor deserves to be shared, there is no point slamming the poor guy too much )
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Heard today...
Heli calls up low level and as usual due to a bloody great big hill, we can't talk to him ....
ATC: Heli803 Could you relay traffic on yourself to low level company traffic G-XXXC
(Heli Relays - sterling effort, even got the QNH in, and then does it again off his own back to another A/C)
ATC: Heli803, thanks for that, if you would take a pay cut we could get you a job 
Heli calls up low level and as usual due to a bloody great big hill, we can't talk to him ....
ATC: Heli803 Could you relay traffic on yourself to low level company traffic G-XXXC
(Heli Relays - sterling effort, even got the QNH in, and then does it again off his own back to another A/C)
ATC: Heli803, thanks for that, if you would take a pay cut we could get you a job
Last edited by Sweet Potatos; 23rd Apr 2008 at 15:31. Reason: protecting identity!
Join Date: Oct 2000
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Lon More. No doubt you know Les West?? On the day of his last medical just before retirement he popped downstairs to the medical centre and had a mooch around. When the doc came to give him his eye test he asked Les to read to lowest line and Les said "10CA 234567". He'd mugged up the reference number of the sight test box and "read" the numbers, which were about 1/4" high!!! The doc was initially amazed.... but he knew Les and soon fell about!
Join Date: Aug 2005
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Brussels east controller calling to Maastricht Brussels south sector, where a female controller picks up the phone:
"SWR123 is requesting FL250 only for the cruise. Do you accept him at this level, it will be quite a pain in the ass?"
The lady, giggling: "yes of course, I'll take it!"
And that's when my colleague realised what he had just said...
You got to love the new instant replay function on our phone system!
"SWR123 is requesting FL250 only for the cruise. Do you accept him at this level, it will be quite a pain in the ass?"
The lady, giggling: "yes of course, I'll take it!"
And that's when my colleague realised what he had just said...
You got to love the new instant replay function on our phone system!
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Happens to me few weeks ago...
Me: AircraftABC climb to and maintain FL330, further climb in 4 minutes due to opposite traffic above.
Pil: Climb to FL330, AircraftABC.
...
(STCA advisory on my radar due to high rate of climb)
Me: AircraftABC maintain FL330 when reaching opposit traffic above.
Pil: Maintain FL330 when reaching, AircraftABC.
...
(C Mode on my radar display FL320)
Pil: Approaching FL330 for higher, AircraftABC.
Me: I SAY AGAIN, MAINTAIN! Traffic above, 12 o'clock, 6 miles opposite direction.
Pil: ...Traffic in sight and on TCAS... AircraftABC!
Other Pil on frequency: You're damn stupid!
Another different voice: Oh, yes you are!
Me: AircraftABC climb to and maintain FL330, further climb in 4 minutes due to opposite traffic above.
Pil: Climb to FL330, AircraftABC.
...
(STCA advisory on my radar due to high rate of climb)
Me: AircraftABC maintain FL330 when reaching opposit traffic above.
Pil: Maintain FL330 when reaching, AircraftABC.
...
(C Mode on my radar display FL320)
Pil: Approaching FL330 for higher, AircraftABC.
Me: I SAY AGAIN, MAINTAIN! Traffic above, 12 o'clock, 6 miles opposite direction.
Pil: ...Traffic in sight and on TCAS... AircraftABC!
Other Pil on frequency: You're damn stupid!
Another different voice: Oh, yes you are!
Join Date: Sep 2002
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Philly Tower...
I am not a controller, but heard this chap in Philly, then found this. I think he has a wonderful sense of humor.. Hope you enjoy. Furthermore, click on the New York grd controller, thats funny too..
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE
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I was under dual on tower having reloacted to a new station, a DH8C just completing his landing roll reported a bird strike on landing, an A319 hot on his heels on final approach.
Wild life control was on the ball and immediately called me and said the aircraft had struck a stork, but it was lying clear of the runway.
ATC: "ABC123 the preceeding DH8C had a birdstrike on landing, there may be some remains on the runway, are you happy to continue?"
"ABC123, that all depends, are the remains from the bird or the DH8C?"
Wild life control was on the ball and immediately called me and said the aircraft had struck a stork, but it was lying clear of the runway.
ATC: "ABC123 the preceeding DH8C had a birdstrike on landing, there may be some remains on the runway, are you happy to continue?"
"ABC123, that all depends, are the remains from the bird or the DH8C?"
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Sitting in the bowels of the ATC centre, but gin clear day outside, BA flight calls up but not yet seen on radar. When he eventually appears on radar:
ATC: I can see you now, squawk****
BA: Roger, **** coming down, I can see you too
ATC: Is that you wearing a white shirt?
BA: No, I'm wearing a jumper - that's my mate you can see
ATC: I can see you now, squawk****
BA: Roger, **** coming down, I can see you too
ATC: Is that you wearing a white shirt?
BA: No, I'm wearing a jumper - that's my mate you can see