ATC Humour (Merged)
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Heard a certain low cost airline reply to a collegue of mine when asked to descend from FL350 to FL330 in order to facilitate an expeditious descent to the arrival airport:
ATC : "***234 to facilitate your arrival, descend now to FL330"
Capt: "Negative. Its too uneconomical for us to begin descent now to FL330"
ATC: "Roger Sir, descend uneconomically then to FL330"
Class.....
ATC : "***234 to facilitate your arrival, descend now to FL330"
Capt: "Negative. Its too uneconomical for us to begin descent now to FL330"
ATC: "Roger Sir, descend uneconomically then to FL330"
Class.....
Join Date: Feb 2000
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En route to Ghedi in my pointy RAFAIR callsign aircraft. First contact with Italian ATC:
“Garda Radar g’day, Rafair xxx etc etc”
“Rafair xxx ‘ello you wanna tha Ghedi wetha?”
“Please”
“Okay, jusa minit”
“uuuh”
“Akchuli, I don hava tha Ghedi wetha, but donworri ees alwas good”
“Garda Radar g’day, Rafair xxx etc etc”
“Rafair xxx ‘ello you wanna tha Ghedi wetha?”
“Please”
“Okay, jusa minit”
“uuuh”
“Akchuli, I don hava tha Ghedi wetha, but donworri ees alwas good”
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A couple of days ago in Guernsey:
A/C: "Tower, can we park on Stand 15, we've got a quick turnround?"
(Female) ATCO: "I've got a big fella in at ten past so I'm afraid not"
A/C: "Never mind. [Pause] I see I don't qualify for the description of 'big fella!"
A/C: "Tower, can we park on Stand 15, we've got a quick turnround?"
(Female) ATCO: "I've got a big fella in at ten past so I'm afraid not"
A/C: "Never mind. [Pause] I see I don't qualify for the description of 'big fella!"
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[quote=Ray Darr]ABC123: "Maastricht, G'evenink. ABC123 FL330 to GMH (Germinghausen)."
Maastricht: (With an obvious "Hmmmm...." tone) "I show you routing (via) Nomka??"
ABC123: "Yessir, last 'sektor' gave us GMH."
Maastricht: "OK, would you accept direct Nomka?"
ABC123: "Yes we would"
Maastricht: "You sound very agreeable. Would you accept direct Oslo?"
ABC123: "....ahh.... yes....? (half baffled crewman)"
Maastricht: "I thought so. You are cleared direct Nomka." (Laughter in the background at Maastricht CTR).
(Quick location lesson: GMH and Nomka were appropriate(-ish) for that flight. Oslo was, ahh, just a teensy bit north of track, shall we say!!)
- - -
Whoever you are in Maastricht CTR, you made our LONG night HILARIOUS!!
I just joined Pprune, and immediately noticed someone heard me laughing in the background... one of those guys pissing in his pants that day was me... this is what I call a kickstart....
Maastricht: (With an obvious "Hmmmm...." tone) "I show you routing (via) Nomka??"
ABC123: "Yessir, last 'sektor' gave us GMH."
Maastricht: "OK, would you accept direct Nomka?"
ABC123: "Yes we would"
Maastricht: "You sound very agreeable. Would you accept direct Oslo?"
ABC123: "....ahh.... yes....? (half baffled crewman)"
Maastricht: "I thought so. You are cleared direct Nomka." (Laughter in the background at Maastricht CTR).
(Quick location lesson: GMH and Nomka were appropriate(-ish) for that flight. Oslo was, ahh, just a teensy bit north of track, shall we say!!)
- - -
Whoever you are in Maastricht CTR, you made our LONG night HILARIOUS!!
I just joined Pprune, and immediately noticed someone heard me laughing in the background... one of those guys pissing in his pants that day was me... this is what I call a kickstart....
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retirement
Hi, Alpha-Mike,
I have heard this Maastricht controller ( by the name of Kees Scholts) is going to be retired on 1 september next.
One of the last "chuckaluck" ( with Danair) controllers in Maastricht.
The "kueschen" (little kiss) to the German female pilots will probably disappear. It will not be the same anymore;
but the "dag meneer van de KLM....." (and most of the time the reply "dag meneer van maastricht" ) will be taken over by somebody else.
I have heard this Maastricht controller ( by the name of Kees Scholts) is going to be retired on 1 september next.
One of the last "chuckaluck" ( with Danair) controllers in Maastricht.
The "kueschen" (little kiss) to the German female pilots will probably disappear. It will not be the same anymore;
but the "dag meneer van de KLM....." (and most of the time the reply "dag meneer van maastricht" ) will be taken over by somebody else.
Last edited by sandycap; 28th Aug 2006 at 21:57.
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Overheard sunday whilst over Bridlington UK speaking to Humberside Radar.
ABCD: ABCD, Humberside, Piper Cadet out of sherburn, 2 POB heading 030° 2000ft request Radar Information Service.
Humberside: ABCD good afternoon RIS approved, Sqawk 4260.
ABCD: ABCD Squawk 4260, are you approach or radar?
Humberside: ABCD, humberside radar.
ABCD: Oh ok, erm, do you have the number for approach?
Humberside: ABCD, its 119.125.
ABCD: Many thanks, switching to humberside approach....
Humberside (can tell they're giggling a little): ABCD, Roger, have a good day....
(humberside approach, IS humberside radar and they're on the same frequency.. my friend and I were in fits of laughter).
A few moments later...
ABCD: Erm, good afternoon humberside approach
Humberside: ABCD good afternoon welcome back...
ABCD (you can sense the confusion in his voice): Erm, good afternoon, are you humberside approach?
Humberside: Affirm.
ABCD: ABCD, you're on the same number as radar.
Humberside: Thats Affirm, I am approach, and Radar.
ABCD: Ah, Ok. Roger, ABCD requesting......
Poor lad.. think he was a student. Still, it provided a few moments of entertainment as we routed down the coast line.
ABCD: ABCD, Humberside, Piper Cadet out of sherburn, 2 POB heading 030° 2000ft request Radar Information Service.
Humberside: ABCD good afternoon RIS approved, Sqawk 4260.
ABCD: ABCD Squawk 4260, are you approach or radar?
Humberside: ABCD, humberside radar.
ABCD: Oh ok, erm, do you have the number for approach?
Humberside: ABCD, its 119.125.
ABCD: Many thanks, switching to humberside approach....
Humberside (can tell they're giggling a little): ABCD, Roger, have a good day....
(humberside approach, IS humberside radar and they're on the same frequency.. my friend and I were in fits of laughter).
A few moments later...
ABCD: Erm, good afternoon humberside approach
Humberside: ABCD good afternoon welcome back...
ABCD (you can sense the confusion in his voice): Erm, good afternoon, are you humberside approach?
Humberside: Affirm.
ABCD: ABCD, you're on the same number as radar.
Humberside: Thats Affirm, I am approach, and Radar.
ABCD: Ah, Ok. Roger, ABCD requesting......
Poor lad.. think he was a student. Still, it provided a few moments of entertainment as we routed down the coast line.
More than just an ATCO
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SandyMike KS's R/T has never been "standard". One of the others was "Rolgordijn" iso "Royal Jordanian"
Kees's exploits and little sidelines, T shirts, stickers, etc. were legendary.Unfortunately there's not much room for the real individual these days.
Danair, the Controller's Friend, One day shortly after their demise, a Speedbird captain came on the freq. "chugalug". Me, "Roger, blah, blah blah .... standard route.". BA, "I thought chugalug was the password for direct route?" me, "Sorry sir, that password was free-ticket."
Kees's exploits and little sidelines, T shirts, stickers, etc. were legendary.Unfortunately there's not much room for the real individual these days.
Danair, the Controller's Friend, One day shortly after their demise, a Speedbird captain came on the freq. "chugalug". Me, "Roger, blah, blah blah .... standard route.". BA, "I thought chugalug was the password for direct route?" me, "Sorry sir, that password was free-ticket."
Recently heard at Southend
Southend: G-**** are you familiar with VRP St Marys Marsh?
G-**** : Negative, we're from up North
Southend: Then report south-bank Thames
G-**** : Whats the Thames?
Southend: Its a big river that flows through London!
Southend: G-**** are you familiar with VRP St Marys Marsh?
G-**** : Negative, we're from up North
Southend: Then report south-bank Thames
G-**** : Whats the Thames?
Southend: Its a big river that flows through London!
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Had to share this with you, it had the two of us on the flight deck in tears.
Yesterday at LHR a Lufty airbus was waiting in the queue to take off, but about 3 BA aircraft had been put in front of them. After the 3rd or so one, one of the Lufty pilots says.... Is there any sort of takeoff queue or are we just behind all the British Aircraft. Controller says (as a joke). Yea, your behind them all. To which the Lufty pilot comes back with.....
I spose thats what we get when we loose the war!!
Priceless. Good on them.
Yesterday at LHR a Lufty airbus was waiting in the queue to take off, but about 3 BA aircraft had been put in front of them. After the 3rd or so one, one of the Lufty pilots says.... Is there any sort of takeoff queue or are we just behind all the British Aircraft. Controller says (as a joke). Yea, your behind them all. To which the Lufty pilot comes back with.....
I spose thats what we get when we loose the war!!
Priceless. Good on them.
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T'other day at Manch, HLX [Hapag Lloyd, aka Excellence] came steaming round the corner of B pier [to park on stand 12...nearest the Runway]. As he turned the corner, he saw [the other] two evening HLX a/c on stands 10 and 8. Comes on the r/t and chirps....."Zere you are, you buy vun, and get vun free....ja, oh
. He was abeam stand 10....had to go "around the block" to get on stand. Outbound, he STILL had a chuckle
watp,iktch
. He was abeam stand 10....had to go "around the block" to get on stand. Outbound, he STILL had a chuckle watp,iktch
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Today, Norwich Approach freq. Lady controller doing a fab job is dealing with two PPLs, one G-CS and the other G-CS.
ATC: G-CS, be advised similar callsign on frequency
G-CS: Roger, G-CS
ATC: G-SC, did you copy?
G-SC: Affirm, G-SC
ATC: And keep a good listen out, there will be a third similar callsign on frequency in a minute.
A few minutes later-
G-BSSC: Norwich, good afternoon, G-BSSC.
ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency. Flight Information Service you have.
G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
... priceless in itself, but a bit later:
ATC: G-SC freecall enroute
G-SC: Freecall enroute, thanks for you help, G-CS
Suppose you had to hear it to appreciate it, but it was probably the highlight of our very long sortie in the Norwich area! BTW, Norwich, if you're reading this- you know who we are, and thank you!
ATC: G-CS, be advised similar callsign on frequency
G-CS: Roger, G-CS
ATC: G-SC, did you copy?
G-SC: Affirm, G-SC
ATC: And keep a good listen out, there will be a third similar callsign on frequency in a minute.
A few minutes later-
G-BSSC: Norwich, good afternoon, G-BSSC.
ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency. Flight Information Service you have.
G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
... priceless in itself, but a bit later:
ATC: G-SC freecall enroute
G-SC: Freecall enroute, thanks for you help, G-CS
Suppose you had to hear it to appreciate it, but it was probably the highlight of our very long sortie in the Norwich area! BTW, Norwich, if you're reading this- you know who we are, and thank you!
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Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands . Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a man wearing an armani suit, Ray Bans and a rolex watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are an ATC manager,"
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are an ATC manager,"
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back?"
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Whats Happening?
Has nothing funny happened in the world of ATC in the last week?
Can't be, simply can't be!
I see things everyday that
ing kill me but they never look funny in print (must be my lack of journo' inclination).
Come on folks, lets be having it!
PS... I for one love the new NATS image!
Can't be, simply can't be!
I see things everyday that
ing kill me but they never look funny in print (must be my lack of journo' inclination).Come on folks, lets be having it!
PS... I for one love the new NATS image!
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>ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency.
>Flight Information Service you have.
>G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
Spooky - G-BSSC is a PA28 I've been known to fly on occasion, though not for a few months now (so I can plead innocence for this one). It is (or at least was, last time I looked) used by a club/school at Norwich, so it could well have been a student you were listening to.
But why is it you get two similar callsigns just when you could do without the complication? First time I ever came across it was ... on my PPL final skills test, with all the other pressures that involved! Thankfully the examiner let me off the first couple of offences of "G-NO blah blah" as I remembered to spout it in full after a while.
David C
>Flight Information Service you have.
>G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
Spooky - G-BSSC is a PA28 I've been known to fly on occasion, though not for a few months now (so I can plead innocence for this one). It is (or at least was, last time I looked) used by a club/school at Norwich, so it could well have been a student you were listening to.
But why is it you get two similar callsigns just when you could do without the complication? First time I ever came across it was ... on my PPL final skills test, with all the other pressures that involved! Thankfully the examiner let me off the first couple of offences of "G-NO blah blah" as I remembered to spout it in full after a while.
David C
Someone I knew flew into the Buchanan Field Airport in Concord, California (for the first time) in a Luscombe at night.
It has four runways - two pair of intersecting parallel runways, and taxiways that can be confusing at night.
A/C to Ground control: N-xxxx is clear of the active. What do I do now?
I think they sent out a truck to guide them to the tie down area.
It has four runways - two pair of intersecting parallel runways, and taxiways that can be confusing at night.
A/C to Ground control: N-xxxx is clear of the active. What do I do now?
I think they sent out a truck to guide them to the tie down area.
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A collegue had a sweet one this other day, after a well known british airline took the call and clearance intended for someone else, their callsigns not even remotely similar:
"caution...there are other callsigns on the frequency...."
"caution...there are other callsigns on the frequency...."
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Funny exchange on Guard
I wonder if anyone heard this little episode on 121.5 a couple of days ago...
Was late aft and we were somewhere over the North Sea. I was PNF and monitoring guard on box2...
A Golf registered (light?) AC calls up London Centre asking for a training fix. He calls again without reply.............
About 45 secs later, London Centre comes up ( they were obviously busy at time of 1st two calls) , "G-**** London Centre"
At this point, a Guard 'Policeman' comes up with the standard put-down for those arseholes who misuse the frequency, "You're on Guard"
London Centre unsurprisingly respond with, "I know..."
Someone else (presumably referring to the 'policeman'), "Tossers"
London Centre, "Language PLEASE!"
I almost peed my pants - a comedy script writer couldn't have done a better job - the timings/intonnations of the various comments were spot on!!
Was late aft and we were somewhere over the North Sea. I was PNF and monitoring guard on box2...
A Golf registered (light?) AC calls up London Centre asking for a training fix. He calls again without reply.............
About 45 secs later, London Centre comes up ( they were obviously busy at time of 1st two calls) , "G-**** London Centre"
At this point, a Guard 'Policeman' comes up with the standard put-down for those arseholes who misuse the frequency, "You're on Guard"
London Centre unsurprisingly respond with, "I know..."
Someone else (presumably referring to the 'policeman'), "Tossers"
London Centre, "Language PLEASE!"
I almost peed my pants - a comedy script writer couldn't have done a better job - the timings/intonnations of the various comments were spot on!!
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Heard at Shoreham the other day...
A/C at hold:
G-XX: Err Shoreham, need to return to the terminal, I've left my map in the briefing room.
Tower: No you haven't
Long pause... I can only imagine our hero thinking.. How the hell does he know where my map is...?
Tower: It's blowing across the apron...
A/C: Roger...
Tower: Stay where you are, the fire crew will bring it out to you!
A/C at hold:
G-XX: Err Shoreham, need to return to the terminal, I've left my map in the briefing room.
Tower: No you haven't
Long pause... I can only imagine our hero thinking.. How the hell does he know where my map is...?
Tower: It's blowing across the apron...
A/C: Roger...
Tower: Stay where you are, the fire crew will bring it out to you!