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ATC Humour (Merged)

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ATC Humour (Merged)

Old 21st Jun 2009, 02:49
  #1201 (permalink)  
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Someone posted this on studentpilot.com today.

I completed a flight review yesterday, but that's not really the subject.

We went from KAPA to KFTG for some takeoffs and landings. If you look at KFTG on a chart (or skyvector.com) you'll see how close it is to KDEN. If you zoom in on Google maps (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=kftg&i...h&z=15&iwloc=A) the Class B surface area begins at Imboden Road. I think it's a bit less than a mile from the end of the runway.

So anyway, we're doing full-stop-taxi-backs on runway 8. There's also an experimental in the pattern.

During one of our taxi-backs:
Tower: Experimental XXXXX. Turn toward the runway now. You're inside the Class B.
Exp: It was that last half mile.
Tom and I looked at each other. The pilot's voice sounded surprising casual about it to both of us.

During our next taxi back:
Tower: Experimental XXXX. Turn base now. You're inside the Class B.
We didn't hear the response if there was one. During our last taxiback, we heard the Experimental trying to talk but the radio was a bit garbled:
Ground: Transmission garbled. Experimental XXXX, is that you heading east on the taxiway?
Exp: Yes.
Ground: Are your radios working now?
Exp: Yes.
Tower: I have a number for you to call...
We switched to Tower for takeoff.

Tom and I were expecting it. He turned to me and said, "He'll probably be calling you on Monday..."
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Old 22nd Jun 2009, 19:50
  #1202 (permalink)  
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Was flying around Angola a few years back. We were with Luanda control who were trying thier utmost to control various russian aircraft who's english was not great.

Luanda CTL : RA**** say your DME.
RA****: Luanda my DME 1000 rate of foot.

On another occasion flying from FAGG to FACT we were in a 727 at FL280 going into a 40knot Head wind. SAA 737 at FL 260 same routeand just behind us. Capetown ATC ask us our ground speed:

Me: 450 kts
Cpt ATC: Springbok *** say your ground speed
SAA: 380 kts so don't worry we will not catch the 727. {said with attitude}
Me: Capetown would you like me to start my number 3 engine to increase our separation.

SAA was very quiet after that but the ATC thaught it was funny.

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Old 2nd Jul 2009, 23:20
  #1203 (permalink)  
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There must be a thousand variation on the 'phantom aircraft prank' but the one I saw was very nicely done from the comfort of the runway inspection vehicle.

The pranksters sat in the parked vehicle with the engine roaring (for that authentic aircraft sound) while they used the vehicle VHF and watched the confusion in the tower through binoculars.

They gave a couple of position reports and watched as the assistant went across to the teletype looking for the missing flight plan, they asked for clearance to land which they got, then asked for taxi clearance which they got while watching 3 or 4 people in the tower scan the runways looking for the aircraft. They asked if it was "OK to park here?" and watched as people came out of the tower and walked all around the outer balcony searching for the aircraft. They got an answer along the lines of "Park any of the marked positions".

The ATCOs said nothing about the incident to anyone but for months afterwards the callsign of the phantom aircraft could be heard wispered in bars and parties.
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Old 3rd Jul 2009, 10:55
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I had recently got my PPL at a non-ATC airfield. I went on to do my night rating at Bournemouth, it was getting closer to summer and Bournmouth closed at 9pm. I had to do 5 more full stop landings to get my night rating, and it was only getting dark later and later, each flight I did, I only got in one Stop n go due to other traffic. On the last possible night of flying (sun set was 20:40 and curfew was 9pm) I managed to taxi and get airbourne just on darkness, with my instructors words ringing in my ears 'Make sure you are on the deck before 9pm, if 400 pounds a minute after 9pm', which shouldn't have been a problem as I only had one more landing to go to get the endorsement.

Anyway, as i was about to turn base, ATC asked me to orbit while they bought in an RPT, fine, it was a nice night and the lights of Bournemouth and the Solent spreadout were a pleasant site. Something must have happened at Southhampton, because suddenly he kept moving other aircraft from southhampton into Bournemouth ahead of me saying 'Sorry G-XYZ, you are now number two...then sorry XYZ, now number three..'. No problem all this orbiting at night is probably a good experience right?

It gets to 20:58, and its all gone quite on the RT, 20:59..Bournemouth says 'XYZ are you coming down tonight or are you staying up there until morning?'

Oops, I make like a stuka and get on the ground a minute or so past 9pm, remembering that I was actually allowed to contine the approach after all the other aircraft had landed.
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Old 3rd Jul 2009, 18:21
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This one is all fresh out of the tower (and it's even my own mistake!):

"LN-XXX make a LEFT three-sixty to the RIGHT!.... My instructor almost fell to the floor laughing

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Old 3rd Jul 2009, 19:44
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yeah,that's a good one
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Old 6th Jul 2009, 14:15
  #1207 (permalink)  
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One day in EHAM/AMS:
Speedbird is on her way to terminal after landing. Then ATC calls:
GND: Speedbird XXX hold position at [...], your gate is still occupied.
A/C: Roger, holding position.
After a while:
A/C: Do you have any idea how long it may take?
GND: They reported to be ready in two minutes.
A/C: Ok, thanks.
GND: But you never know - these are pilot's minutes...
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Old 20th Jul 2009, 02:13
  #1208 (permalink)  
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Madame to Madam to Ma'am (Unfunny Response to Request for Advice)

Madame is the French and equivalent of Madam, with the stress on the other syllable.

Over beer, wine and/or whiskey, just tell them the ladies would be flattered to be called "Madame".

Once you've jumpstarted the process, the stress will shift to the right syllable and then you could nudge it along later on in the camaraderie by using Ma'am in their presence. Then all you have to do is wait until their look of confusion transmutes into a question.

You can then impress them with the word "elision" which is the techie term for skipping the "d" (or other bits and pieces of words and phrases).

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Old 21st Jul 2009, 17:40
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Flying through Syrian airspace used to require pilots to advise ATC of aircraft type and registration.. for the purposes of overflight charges.

Story goes, an American carrier overflying at 0200 in the morning

Syrian Controller - A/c XXXX confirm you are a B767, registration N12345A?

A/C - (Slow American Drawl)..... Man, you got good eyes.
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Old 27th Jul 2009, 06:37
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a real good one
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Old 14th Aug 2009, 04:26
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A quiet time in North Queensland, Australia

ATC "FKG advise intended cruise speed"

VH-FKG ".70 Mach"

Long pause, then a Twin Otter pilot on the frequency who obviously knows the controller comes in with the unsolicited information, "Centre, TGC, we're cruising at Mach .255"

ATC "Ah, ... TCG, thanks very much. How long did that take you to work out?"

TGC "A little while, but we've got plenty of time to contemplate such things up here in the 'Otter!"
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 19:13
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Heard on Dublin Freq. today.

Midland: "Eh, we're getting some music on the freq. here."
Dub: "Yeah, we've been getting reports of that alright. The music any better?"

Few mins later>>>

Midland: (very serious tone) "It seems like choir music or church music."
Dub: (mocking) "Eh, yeah, you'll be hitting Motown in a minute."
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 07:30
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Yesterday, I Had an Air Baltic come on frequency and as a Direct I asked him if he had XXX further along in his flight plan.

me: "Airbaltic yyy do you have the point XXX further along after DETNI?"

"standby.....(pause) ah negative, no XXX"

"Ok what about ZZZ"?

"Standby.....ah no we don't have that either sorry"

"Ok maybe you have AAA(sounding hopeful)"?

"Standby.....(excitement from the cockpit) AH YES we are having that point!"

"Oh thank goodness, we could have been here all night! proceed now to AAA"

"(amidst laughs) Direct AAA thank you very much!"
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 08:53
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Vnukovo ground: " VJ-XXX taxi holding point 24 via taxi-way 14, M1, follow the leader van."

VJ-XXX: " Ok vee vill taxi point 24 via 14, M1 and vee vill follow ze LITTLE van."
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 11:01
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ATC: "What is your height and position"

A/C: "I'm 6'2" and I'm sitting in the cock-pit"
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 11:28
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Jeeezz, smith, I think I first heard that in the 60s!!
Old 16th Aug 2009, 11:37
  #1217 (permalink)  

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I think Wilbur said it to Orville.
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 12:03
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Or was it Pontius?
Old 16th Aug 2009, 16:50
  #1219 (permalink)  
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You need to freak out - this is the ATC HUMOUR forum!!!!

Good luck anyway
Old 16th Aug 2009, 16:53
  #1220 (permalink)  

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Pontius may well have said it to Mortus.

I see the Paddy Factor at work again, Abz217.
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