Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...

[IntheTin]

Two Scottish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.

The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Andrew and Mike survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Andrew asked Mike, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mike replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[SASless]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off his Helicopter "Marine One" in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby Pig under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice Pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not mere Pigs Marine....these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs!'

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got the other one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

"The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

[SASless]

A Helicopter Pilot, heading home on leave from his job flying in the oil patch, boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport's
Terminal 5 for New York. Taking his seat as he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and
bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or
vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business.
I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
United States.'

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are
those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is
that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely
to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really
shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!'

'Tonto,' the Helicopter Pilot said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends just call me Paddy.'

[SASless]

The lead up to this video is the Husband had told his wife to never...never...touch his Pistol. In a fit of genius he sought to teach her a lesson. Like he thought multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan were not dangerous enough!

[Heli-Ice]

Lets bring this one to life again.

Wife walks into the living room where her husband is sitting and watching TV and says to him "Get your lazy a*se of the sofa and fix the kitchen sink, its broken!".

He replies "I'm no friggin plumber, go fix it yourself!"

The day after when her husband comes home from work, she tells him that she had a plumber over to fix the sink.

"When the plumber was done I told him that, as a payment he had the choice of either having sex with me on the kitchen table or have me bake him a cake" the wife said.

"So" the husband says "What kind of cake did you bake for the poor guy?"





"Cake?" the wife shouts "I'm no friggin baker!"

[Flyting]

Little Johnny's at it again...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, it’s just that I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

______________________
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

______________________
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

[blakmax]

Things have gone quiet so...

This chicken farmer is a bit concerned about his breeding stock, so he buys an expensive stud rooster and puts it in the pen with the other fowls. This rooster is pretty cocky (pardon the pun) and strides up to the old rooster and says, "Well, Old Timer, your days are over. These are all my brood now!".

The old rooster looks downhearted and says "All right, you can have them all, except for that young, good-looking brown hen over there, she's mine." She was the best looking hen in the pen. (Well, when you are old, you don't want to be stuck with the ugly chick do you?)

"Now way, Buddy!" says the new cock.

"OK, what if we race around the pen and winner gets to keep the chick? I'm a bit old, so I think it is fair that I get a head start on you."

"You think you can beat me?" says the new guy. "You're on. Let's do it!"

The old rooster shuffles off to the other corner of the pen and starts running as hard as he can. Faster and faster he runs. Naturally, the new, younger rooster soon catches up and approaches from behind. "I've got you now!"

Then, all of a sudden there is this loud "BOOM" and the farmer steps out from behind the chicken coop with a smoking shotgun and says "I can't understand it. This is the fifth one this year. Why does the stud farm keep sending me the gay roosters?"

Blakmax wishes to apologise in advance for any readers of non-heterosexual persuasion who may be offended by this joke.

[Flyting]

While we're in the farm yard...

Farmer Brown is having real problems with his herds breeding. After a year, he saves up enough money to buy a real stud bull. On arrival, he releases his new prized posession into the herd of cows and waits, watching hopefully...

1 day goes bye.... nothing
2 days go bye... nothing
3 days go bye... still nothing.... the bull just doesn't seem to be interrested in mounting anything...

Frustrated, farmer Brown goes to his neighbour who is also a cattle breeder to seek some advice. He tells him the story and the fact that his prized bull is not "producing". His neighbour tells him,"Go home and find one of your cows that is in season, and rub your hand on her #$%^&. Then go to the bull and rub this on his snout..."

Lone be hold, poor farmer Brown goes home and does as he is told...

The bull starts going nuts... Mounts the cow... mounts the next... and the next..... eventually he has had his way with the whole heard and starts to chase down all the other farms animals and proceeds to do his thing to them as well...

Farmer Brown is ecstatic...

Later that evening, while lying in bed next to his "old farmer wife", that he hasn't had sex with in years, he has a thought...
He dives under the duvet and ripps his wifes pj pants off, vigarously rubs her %^&*( , jumps out, rubs it all over his face, turns on the light and bellows out..."Look honey, do I look like a Raging Bull?"
To which she calmy replies..."No. You look like a Red Indian!"...

[SASless]

The Girls Talk About their Helicopter Pilots



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings, and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on the Chief Pilot's Desk right then and there!"


The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancee got home last Friday from his two weeks away on the rigs, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"


The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos.. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from his run to the Ninian, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman... what's for dinner?'"

[IntheTin]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'

[topendtorque]

Perhaps the goddamns and poms wil have empathy with this one

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to thefact that Kevin Rudd is our Prime Minister and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right nowto the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are familyhere and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots andfound sixty 'Kevin 07' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and havedecided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a morefair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change......

I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
THE BOSS

[jim63]

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work

[jim63]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make found the number and dialed it. A man answered,saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is
Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the
phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be
so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I
found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole"

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.One day I was at the store and some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,so I wrote his number down.A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.I called the guy with the black BMW for sale.He said, "Yes, it is." I asked,"Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don,you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.He said,"Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler. I have a black Beamer parked in front."He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,asshole," and hung up.Then I called Asshole #2.He said,"Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better

[R44-pilot]

Zen Teachings.....

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[jim63]

A snake in the AOThe Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing
multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

[aclark79]

[Senior Pilot]

[Lonewolf_50]

grossman:

During WWI an RAF fighter pilot was shot down and captured near a German air base.

Wasn't it RFC during WW I?

Joke:

Angry wife to airline pilot: you can be replaced by a dildo and a wallet.

Angry wife to helicopter pilot: you can be replaced, by a vibrator and a wallet.

[SASless]

Bill Dance hosts a weekly fishing show in the USA.....some of his out takes are funny. None of these are planned!

[diginagain]

Originally Posted by Lonewolf_50

Wasn't it RFC during WW I?

Not after All Fool's Day, 1918.