Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
Join Date: Oct 2004
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous, Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous, Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: In the desert southwest
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age
An elderly gentleman goes to see his flight surgeon to renew his physical. The good doc is not sure he wants to let this fellow fly again so he comes up with an additional requirement. He tells his patient that he will need a semen sample to complete the physical. He gives him a bottle and tells him to return it in a week. The old fellow looks suspiciously at the doc but departs with the bottle. A week later he appears at the office. He is summoned in. He hands the empty bottle to the doctor who's eyebrows rise inquisitively. The pilot explains: Doc, I tried it with my left hand and I tried it with my right; My wife tried it with her left hand and she tried it with her right; She tried it with her teeth in and she tried it with her teeth out and goll darn it, we couldn't get the top off the bottle.
What is real stress?
You being a happily married Man .....while driving down a country lane you observer a beautiful blonde thumbing a ride. You are faced with a decision to stop or not. That is not Stress.
You offer her a ride and she smiles and gets in....and removes her Top baring her breasts. That is not Stress.
She offers herself to you and you refuse. That is not Stress.
When she gets out of the car in the middle of town....she makes a scene and accuses you of Rape! That is not Stress.
A Cop hears her and arrests you despite your plea of innocence. That is not Stress.
You are jailed and levied an unpayable Bond. That is not Stress.
You hire a lawyer and he demands a DNA test for you and the girl. That is no Stress.
Your DNA test comes back showing you are unable to produce active Sperm and have not been able to your whole life. That is not Stress.
You are released and on your way home.....you realize you will have to explain all this to your wife who is the mother of your three children.
That by God is real Stress!
You being a happily married Man .....while driving down a country lane you observer a beautiful blonde thumbing a ride. You are faced with a decision to stop or not. That is not Stress.
You offer her a ride and she smiles and gets in....and removes her Top baring her breasts. That is not Stress.
She offers herself to you and you refuse. That is not Stress.
When she gets out of the car in the middle of town....she makes a scene and accuses you of Rape! That is not Stress.
A Cop hears her and arrests you despite your plea of innocence. That is not Stress.
You are jailed and levied an unpayable Bond. That is not Stress.
You hire a lawyer and he demands a DNA test for you and the girl. That is no Stress.
Your DNA test comes back showing you are unable to produce active Sperm and have not been able to your whole life. That is not Stress.
You are released and on your way home.....you realize you will have to explain all this to your wife who is the mother of your three children.
That by God is real Stress!
Join Date: May 2002
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How I became a pilot...............
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for flight training and a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body, that is more useful when erect!"
Those who spelt spine became doctors...
........the rest of us went to flight school...
Credit to Bristows Oz for this one
Thanks Howie
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body, that is more useful when erect!"
Those who spelt spine became doctors...
........the rest of us went to flight school...
Credit to Bristows Oz for this one
Thanks Howie
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
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Okay me hearties, time to lighten up again. I think there are some Naval Officers amongst the ranks, time to pipe them aboard.
I always thought the one about the 'sailors' getting rid of the full gas cylinders by knocking off the fittings at the end quite the funniest joke I have read, this one may put it in the shade, I don't know.
Ten-shun; Ok Bloggs, read following post slowly please and remember, it is from down under?
Is sex work??
A RAN Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure”?
A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant Commander said it was 50-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked
what was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the lower ranks.
I always thought the one about the 'sailors' getting rid of the full gas cylinders by knocking off the fittings at the end quite the funniest joke I have read, this one may put it in the shade, I don't know.
Ten-shun; Ok Bloggs, read following post slowly please and remember, it is from down under?
Is sex work??
A RAN Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure”?
A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant Commander said it was 50-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked
what was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the lower ranks.
100% Succes with any engineer
Reading the Rotorheads forum since the last Sumburgh crash i now decided to subscribe and to try to give a contribution:
The other day my son of 4 was watching my neighbour while he carefully washed his beloved oldtimer (car, not his wife).
When the neighbour re-emerged from under the bonnet, after cleaning the last almost non existent traces of oil and polishing the copper fuel lines my son askes him:
"Does it still work, now you have touched it?"
The other day my son of 4 was watching my neighbour while he carefully washed his beloved oldtimer (car, not his wife).
When the neighbour re-emerged from under the bonnet, after cleaning the last almost non existent traces of oil and polishing the copper fuel lines my son askes him:
"Does it still work, now you have touched it?"
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Holly Beach, Louisiana
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Louisiana and goes to a big "everything under one roof" d...epartment store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Louisiana. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy was a Helicopter Pilot who came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Louisiana. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy was a Helicopter Pilot who came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
A few months later the helicopter pilot and the sales kid meet again in the store.
The kid asks how the fishing is getting along. The pilot answers that he has taken on fishing much more often as not only the red flag days are "unfavourable flight conditions".
But the pilot confesses to the kid that he greatly loves and admires his wife because she always predicts the best fishing. The kid is truely interested and asks how that is possible.
"When my wife sleeps on her right side I will do fly fishing and when she is on her left side I will fish with bait. Always works out great"
"And what if she would lay on her back then?"
"Ah, those are the days there will be no fishing!!!!"
SLB
The kid asks how the fishing is getting along. The pilot answers that he has taken on fishing much more often as not only the red flag days are "unfavourable flight conditions".
But the pilot confesses to the kid that he greatly loves and admires his wife because she always predicts the best fishing. The kid is truely interested and asks how that is possible.
"When my wife sleeps on her right side I will do fly fishing and when she is on her left side I will fish with bait. Always works out great"
"And what if she would lay on her back then?"
"Ah, those are the days there will be no fishing!!!!"
SLB
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Holly Beach, Louisiana
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I would have thought that would have been the day he used "Stink Bait".
In the greatest days of a British Helicopter Company, a new Chief Pilot was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the recently promoted Chief Pilotl.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic,cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the departing CP said,
"You must meet Captain Smith, my American right-hand man. God, he's really the backbone of this Operation.
His talent is simply boundless."
Smith was summoned and introduced to the new CP, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity,
a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CP about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Fort Rucker, joined the Company and won the Queens Gallantry Meal and
Bar after 3 Rescue Flights on the North Sea. I've represented the United States iin equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the Chief Pilot interrupted.
"Yes, yes; never mind that Smithers; the new CP can find all that in your file."
"Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherf’r…………….
In the greatest days of a British Helicopter Company, a new Chief Pilot was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the recently promoted Chief Pilotl.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic,cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the departing CP said,
"You must meet Captain Smith, my American right-hand man. God, he's really the backbone of this Operation.
His talent is simply boundless."
Smith was summoned and introduced to the new CP, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity,
a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CP about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Fort Rucker, joined the Company and won the Queens Gallantry Meal and
Bar after 3 Rescue Flights on the North Sea. I've represented the United States iin equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the Chief Pilot interrupted.
"Yes, yes; never mind that Smithers; the new CP can find all that in your file."
"Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherf’r…………….
Join Date: Jul 2008
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me? "To which she replies, "I think you' re the father of one of my kids.
"Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? "She looks into his eyes and says calmly.........
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me? "To which she replies, "I think you' re the father of one of my kids.
"Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? "She looks into his eyes and says calmly.........
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
Join Date: Feb 2005
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Sasless!--- you sod,
Just cruising through a couple of posts here with the bright eyed attentive nature of our half crippled feeling old brethren and only just now realised you had a small lend of us back in post 370.
cheers tet
Just cruising through a couple of posts here with the bright eyed attentive nature of our half crippled feeling old brethren and only just now realised you had a small lend of us back in post 370.
cheers tet
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JOKE
Anyone heard the one about two ten-year olds playing in the garden.
Jimmy says to Lucy ... "Let's pretend I'm a helicopter pilot and you are my passenger ... I'll hold a stick above my head and whirl my arms about like rotor blades. You make the noise of the engine as we run round and round."
After three or four runs, Lucy says ... "This is fun, why don't we climb up the fence to get higher just like a real helicopter." Sadly Lucy then falls off the fence and lies on the grass crying ... "My pussy is hurt Jimmy, please come down and kiss it better."
"Don't be silly," Jimmy replies. We weren't in a real helicopter and I'm not a real helicopter pilot!"
I thought it was funny anyway !!!!!
Jimmy says to Lucy ... "Let's pretend I'm a helicopter pilot and you are my passenger ... I'll hold a stick above my head and whirl my arms about like rotor blades. You make the noise of the engine as we run round and round."
After three or four runs, Lucy says ... "This is fun, why don't we climb up the fence to get higher just like a real helicopter." Sadly Lucy then falls off the fence and lies on the grass crying ... "My pussy is hurt Jimmy, please come down and kiss it better."
"Don't be silly," Jimmy replies. We weren't in a real helicopter and I'm not a real helicopter pilot!"
I thought it was funny anyway !!!!!
