Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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4 student pilots are at a train station, and buy 4 tickets for their trip.
While they are waiting for the train, 4 commercial pilots turn up, but only one of them buys a ticket. The 4 pilots then wait for the train with the students.
One of the students asks, "How are you going to all travel with just the one ticket?", to which one of the pilots replies, "Watch."
The train duly arrives, and the students all sit in the carriage. The pilots, however, all pile into the toilet cubicle and lock the door.
The train pulls away, and the ticket inspector comes around. Seeing the ENGAGED sign on the toilet, he knocks and calls out "Tickets, please."
The toilet door opens an inch, and a ticket gets handed out. Once it's stamped, it gets handed back through.
The students are mightily impressed . . . .
Next week at the station, the 4 students turn up, and only one of them buys a ticket.
The pilots turn up just afterwards, but don't buy any tickets.
One of the students says, "Surely you're not going to get by without buying a single ticket?", to which the a pilot respons, "Watch."
The train arrives, and the students all pile into one of the toilets, while the pilots pile into another.
As the train starts moving, one of the pilots pops out of the cubicle, walks up to the one the students are hiding in, knocks on the door and calls out "Tickets, please." . . . . .
While they are waiting for the train, 4 commercial pilots turn up, but only one of them buys a ticket. The 4 pilots then wait for the train with the students.
One of the students asks, "How are you going to all travel with just the one ticket?", to which one of the pilots replies, "Watch."
The train duly arrives, and the students all sit in the carriage. The pilots, however, all pile into the toilet cubicle and lock the door.
The train pulls away, and the ticket inspector comes around. Seeing the ENGAGED sign on the toilet, he knocks and calls out "Tickets, please."
The toilet door opens an inch, and a ticket gets handed out. Once it's stamped, it gets handed back through.
The students are mightily impressed . . . .
Next week at the station, the 4 students turn up, and only one of them buys a ticket.
The pilots turn up just afterwards, but don't buy any tickets.
One of the students says, "Surely you're not going to get by without buying a single ticket?", to which the a pilot respons, "Watch."
The train arrives, and the students all pile into one of the toilets, while the pilots pile into another.
As the train starts moving, one of the pilots pops out of the cubicle, walks up to the one the students are hiding in, knocks on the door and calls out "Tickets, please." . . . . .
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Man forced to into 'civil partnership' with goat
BBC report
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.
BBC News
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.
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Perhaps. I wonder how they determine which owner that is to to pay if both partners are of the same gender..
I didn't understand until now what they meant by getting a tax relief by getting cattle. Mr Tombe will definately file tax jointly with his wife!
I didn't understand until now what they meant by getting a tax relief by getting cattle. Mr Tombe will definately file tax jointly with his wife!
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Since it's friday...
How about some jokes from you guys/gals?
Lets start with this riddle:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.
Lets start with this riddle:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.
Hovering AND talking
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Given that the fire engine is therefore going round a smaller circumference, will it have the same speed?
Actually Heli-Ice, that DID make me snigger
.
Cheers
Whirls
Actually Heli-Ice, that DID make me snigger
.Cheers
Whirls
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Drink
Paddy was on a flight back from America - Sitting beside him was a priest. Trolley dolly wanders along and offers Paddy a drink ' I'l have a large brandy please' says Paddy
- 'And you father, what would you like to drink' says the air hostess
- 'I'd sooner be raped by 7 women than let alcohol pass my lips' exclaims the priest.
- 'Hold on now a sec' says Paddy 'I didnt know I had a choice'
- 'And you father, what would you like to drink' says the air hostess
- 'I'd sooner be raped by 7 women than let alcohol pass my lips' exclaims the priest.
- 'Hold on now a sec' says Paddy 'I didnt know I had a choice'
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The famous Jack
For many years people have wondered who is Jack Schitt. Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertiliser magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt Inc. They had one son Jack.
In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Despite their parent’s objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of their other children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable through childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local news paper announced the Schitt Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned home from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, “You know Jack Schitt” you can correct them.
HT
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertiliser magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt Inc. They had one son Jack.
In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Despite their parent’s objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of their other children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable through childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local news paper announced the Schitt Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned home from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, “You know Jack Schitt” you can correct them.
HT
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I just can't resist a jokes thread...
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison ,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison ,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations
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Some food for "Thought" Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
Answers on a post card please. HT
Answers on a post card please. HT
Gem,
In order to fly helicopters and rightfully claim the title of "Helicopter Pilot", one must possess a sense of humour and be able to smile at life's tribulations. Heaven knows that is sometime the only option one has left.
A helicopter pilot walked into the Great Alaskan Bush Company in Anchorage, Alaska after being away in the bush for six full months. Being a refined fellow, his second greatest need was to once again enjoy a very Dry Martini.
Horse **** Charlie, also a helicopter pilot who was working as a bartender promised the best Dry Martini in all of the Klondike. Horse duly delivered said Martini and stood back to enjoy the sheer pleasure our original helicopter pilot was bound to have downing that fine concoction.
Just as the pilot went to reach for the drink.....the Piano player's cute little monkey slid to a stop over the drink and quickly dunked his testicles into the drink then ran off back to the piano.
Our hero pushed the now runined drink across the bar and called for another only to have the Monkey do the same thing. Not wanting trouble the pilot asked for a third. Alas.....the same thing yet again happened.
"That did It!" uttered the pilot....he gets up and walks down to the Piano Player (also a helicopter pilot who changed jobs after his Mom found out) and taps the guy on the shoulder and said......"Do you know your monkey just dunked his nuts in my martini?"
The Piano player smiled and said "No....can't say I do....but if you hum a few bars maybe I can pick it up!"
In order to fly helicopters and rightfully claim the title of "Helicopter Pilot", one must possess a sense of humour and be able to smile at life's tribulations. Heaven knows that is sometime the only option one has left.
A helicopter pilot walked into the Great Alaskan Bush Company in Anchorage, Alaska after being away in the bush for six full months. Being a refined fellow, his second greatest need was to once again enjoy a very Dry Martini.
Horse **** Charlie, also a helicopter pilot who was working as a bartender promised the best Dry Martini in all of the Klondike. Horse duly delivered said Martini and stood back to enjoy the sheer pleasure our original helicopter pilot was bound to have downing that fine concoction.
Just as the pilot went to reach for the drink.....the Piano player's cute little monkey slid to a stop over the drink and quickly dunked his testicles into the drink then ran off back to the piano.
Our hero pushed the now runined drink across the bar and called for another only to have the Monkey do the same thing. Not wanting trouble the pilot asked for a third. Alas.....the same thing yet again happened.
"That did It!" uttered the pilot....he gets up and walks down to the Piano Player (also a helicopter pilot who changed jobs after his Mom found out) and taps the guy on the shoulder and said......"Do you know your monkey just dunked his nuts in my martini?"
The Piano player smiled and said "No....can't say I do....but if you hum a few bars maybe I can pick it up!"
Mighty - maybe the thread will stay since this forum doesn't have a bunch of guys who think PPrune is owned by them.
Back to the jokes;
Mickey Mouse is in the office of an esteemed Californian divorce lawyer. After listening to Mickey's complaint he says, " I'm sorry Mickey but you can't file for divorce from Minnie just because she's got big teeth."
"I didn't say she had big teeth," he squeaks angrily, "I said she was f***ing Goofy."
With apologies to Ian Roy as I know it is his favourite joke.
Back to the jokes;
Mickey Mouse is in the office of an esteemed Californian divorce lawyer. After listening to Mickey's complaint he says, " I'm sorry Mickey but you can't file for divorce from Minnie just because she's got big teeth."
"I didn't say she had big teeth," he squeaks angrily, "I said she was f***ing Goofy."
With apologies to Ian Roy as I know it is his favourite joke.