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Anotther QANTAS CC Thread

Old 18th Dec 2008, 08:25
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Look Twiggs...I am sorry if my post offended you. Lesbian loafers have their place in fashion (and indeed onboard a 737). They provide comfort and support for all those poor unfortunate women out there who suffer from 'kankles'. Twiggs, you know you don't have to be ashamed of your kankles....you can do certain running exercises and step aerobics to slim down your kankles. You know you don't have to spend the rest of your office life being ashamed of wearing Lesbian Loafers.

If you want a sympathetic pair of ears...you know you can call on me. I'll be there to support you through the thick and thin......
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 08:29
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too clever..... heh.... heh
by the way what do lesbian loafers look like?
Do you mean flat shoes?
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 08:57
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You see cartexchange.....the beehives are the way they are because:

1. They have been exposed to too much radiation...leads to warped delusions and erratic behaviour.
2. They have not been in the intimate company of men (or women) since 1969
3. They are trapped in a time warp, thinking 'Charlie' or 'Yardley' perfume is still fashionable in 2008
4. They are constantly complaining that it is too cold onboard....inspite of wrapping 2 blankets around their legs for take off and landing.
5. They think they are so fashionable because they buy their Tiffany jewelry from Shenzen markets.
6. Years of smoking have lead them to have nasty dried up prune lips.
7. They think flying to Adelaide is exciting because they can buy their favourite foot pumice scrub from the shop near the hotel.
8. They love shopping at Karrinyup Square in Perth....lots of bargains, and cheap knitwear.
9. They have developed mild dementia....carrying around pictures of their pet pigeon and speaking of them as if they are the love of their lives.
10. Lamingtons take on new meaning...how many times have I had to put some beehive's homebaked lamingtons in the J class fridge?

My solution to get rid of beehives:
1. Take off all chux and incinerate them
2. Take off and burn all the paper tray liners
3. Modify cart tops to make room for 3 tubs and double stacking of splits
4. Install advanced computer touch screen systems onboard all 737 so that they are too scared to fly on them
5. Install 200kg lead weights in the bottom of the meal carts so that the beehives can't push the cart up the aisles.
6. Change the runway guide so that all women must wear the print dress and stilletoes that are 3 inches high
7. Take away the beverage bats so that the beehives must carry cory pots in both hands.....this is bound to exercise the rhuematism in their wrists.
8. Make the blankets onboard wafer thin so that they can't use them as insulation during cold night flights.
9. Complicate the meal service on a 737 by introducing hot chocolate + water runs + snack on Q + noodles after the dinner service on a SYD-MEL sector.
10. Take away all the stupid wheelies that the beehives attach to their day bag eskies
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 09:00
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Yes...Lesbian Loafers = flat shoes with ugly leather that are more grey than black....the type of shoes you see school principals and librarians wear.
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 09:41
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4. Install advanced computer touch screen systems onboard all 737 so that they are too scared to fly on them
too funny.

please explain this..... dont know what you mean
10. Take away all the stupid wheelies that the beehives attach to their day bag eskies
Domestos! you would have field day in describing our YEN men and LAX clique.....or better still our part time mothers! lots of ammo there!
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 09:43
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Smile Domestos

Love your descriptions, ROFLMAO
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 09:54
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Is this what you mean?

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Old 18th Dec 2008, 09:56
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well good to see some humour from twiggs.....
people dont wear those! do they
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 10:11
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Twiggs...I'm glad you joined the bandwagon and can have a laugh too. Love the post of those sexy shoes.....YES!!! They are the ones the beehives in Domestic love wearing....even off the aircraft! I can understand women wearing them onboard during the service....but pleeeease...why do they wear them walking around the terminal too?

Cartexchange....you know the type of fold away trolley with wheels on the bottom? Well the beehives are very OHS conscious, so they like to carry their day bag eskies with it....they don't like to wear the bag on their shoulders cos it forces them to walk on an angle...which may affect their hip replacements. Picture a silly little esky bag being wheeled around with a shopping fold away trolley that old ladies use.

When I see beehives walk through the terminal like this at SYD DOM, I quickly turn the other way or walk at a distance...it makes me feel ashamed to wear the Qantas uniform when I see these ladies carry the bag like this. When I hang s**t on them for carrying the fold away trolley, they say they have a bung shoulder and that they have management approval!!!!! If the ladies don't have the strength to carry an esky bag on their shoulder....how the hell do they expect to open a 737 door???????

Yes OCCR....ladies do wear these shoes....[see BNE and SYD base]. They also like to wear slacks so they think they can get away with it. God forbid they wear these shoes with the print dress.
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 10:22
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Beehives and Yen Men

Do the Beehives and the Yen Men like to get together on the weekends and play lawn bowls and bingo?
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 10:28
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I am wetting myself! Being forced into S/H myself.. this is a breath of fresh air! Keep it coming!!

The shoes are a crack - and

'10. Take away all the stupid wheelies that the beehives attach to their day bag eskies' THE BEST!
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 17:07
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PMSL.... the award for best thread drift of the week goes to Domestos!

Twiggs, was it just me or were you tryingto sound like you were threatening our funny friend here? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe Domestos is someone who actually really likes theri job, buts posts this funny-as-all heck stuff here because it totally winds you up??

Keep going D, I needed a laugh after an endless CBR-MEL-ADR-PER... argh, not four sectors, my god what will we do? And with a GIRT BAR! Call Amnesty International
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 20:59
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ok domestos time to enlighten me further.
what is this "girt bar" and what is so frustrating about it....
I know how it relates to a 767 but I havent got a clue about 737.
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 21:29
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Smile

I was going to send this to Jet Blast. I reckon it's too funny to even send there

Keep up the good work and don't take yourselves too seriously.

TID
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 23:00
  #175 (permalink)  
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Twiggs....

You might have given yourself away there because looking back I do remember a woman in the office wearing shoes like the ones you posted....Twiggs,I don't know which is funnier,the fact that you wear shoes like that or that you've taken a photo of them...

The funny thing about all of this is that I remember the 'older' crew when I started flying.They were talking about DC-4's and so on and reminiscing their own 'good old days'...I used to think the same as domestos especially when we went through BKK and the crew had to fill out the forms and write their age.

They would have a go at me and ask if I had any home work from school to do on the trip and I would ask them what they did for work during the great depression....

Reading your posts domestos,I can't get the picture out of my head of some beehives using those little electric gophers that pensioners buy to get to and from the airport and then using walking frames up and down the aisles...

You do realise though that the uniform nazi's in the office will insist on the correct walking frame.You know the ones with the company logo on the seat...

Last edited by lowerlobe; 18th Dec 2008 at 23:20.
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 23:14
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Angel DC4's

Lobey,
I do remember the DC4,fun days.
I also remember shortly before I retired doing a trip through BKK and looking at the customs sheet,being the last one in the line.
Too my dismay,all but one of the CC and both 2nd officers were born after I started flying !
I knew then it was time to go.
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Old 18th Dec 2008, 23:35
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capt.cynical...

That form you filled out in BKK was a cracker especially as you mentioned if you were the last one through..

One of funniest things I saw on arrival in BKK was when the young and hip crew made jelly shots for the bus....non alcoholic of course....or so they emphatically insisted to me so I had no reason not to believe them

After picking up their bag's at the carousel with said refreshments in a foam box on top of the baggage trolley it all went south when the foam box fell off onto the floor with these jelly shots bouncing everywhere....I don't know what they thought was worse....losing the jelly shots or explaining to customs what they were....

In the end I told customs it was one of the girls birthday (luckily it was) and we got away without any problems....
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Old 19th Dec 2008, 04:47
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Too funny about the shoes and I don't think my granny would wear them but if thats what you want then go for it.

Anyway,Hols for me so to everyone here
twiggs,pegasus,lobey,domestos,speedbirdhouse,capt cynical,cartexchange etc. and the mods of course.

Hope you all have a safe and merry christmas.
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Old 20th Dec 2008, 13:48
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Cartexchange....

A girt bar is a silly little bar that is directly attached to the slide on a 737 door bustle. To arm the door, you would physically move the bar from some rusty clips and then stick the bar into locking clasps located on the floor. Of all the doors on any aircraft, these are the most dangerous because if ground staff open this door from the outside, then the slide will inflate, possibly killing them. Doors on other aircraft disarm automatically when opened from the outside, but not on a 737. That is why you see doors on a 737 being disarmed and 'cracked open' whenever it arrives at the aerobridge....this is to let ground staff know that it is safe to approach the door.

I have to say...more technology goes into a caveman flint axe than it does on a B737. Why on earth does Qantas still love buying these sardine cans?...no one likes flying on them....FA or pax....(can't vouch for T/C). It seems the only mammal that loves the 737 is the humble rat and the occasional cockroach.

=======================
The perils of working on a B737:

1. Developing Spina-Bifida....unless you are 4 foot 2 inches tall, you will not have any pleasure arching your spine if you are R1P. I have lost count of how many times I have had to wedge myself into the corner of the aircraft at R1 because some CSM who has bad coffee breath stands about 2 inches away from your face when chatting to you.

2. 6 foot long oven racks....hello? Whatever happened to 'less is more'? Picture those sliding racks you see at mortuaries with dead bodies being slid out of fridges...then you have an idea of how oven racks work on a B737.

3. Have you ever tried eating a meal outside a public toilet? Next time you're feeling adventurous....decide to host your next family meal directly outside your family toilet (in order to simulate a 737 toilet, best to ask every member to do No. 2s and insist they don't flush)...then you will know what having a crew meal on a 737 feels like.

4. Ceiling-mounted life rafts.....hello? Has anyone been kind enough to tell the 737 manufacturer that it is fashionable now to combine life rafts and slides into one? Hello? Pico? Goodrich? Do you seriously think I am going to be able to fish a 500kg life raft from the middle of the ceiling and stylishly roll it down the aisle like they teach us in EPs?

5. Overhead locker space....the 'bain marie' of my Domestic existence! There is more space in the back of 2 Volvo station wagaons then there is on a B737. You will have more luck sticking your whole thumb into your ear than you will sticking a bum/fanny pack into a 737 overhead locker.

===========

Further to my previous post re: getting rid of Beehives, I have come up with more strategies:

1. Counter-act any moves by beehives to show you their photo album of pet cats by showing your own photo album. Instead of filling it with pics of your loved ones....fill it up with pics of the goitre you had removed last month; the satanic tatoo on your left buttock; or a picture of the lesbian albino goat you had a fling with from your last trip to Kazakhstan.

2. Somehow convince the beehives that it is now mandatory to do a C209 on all domestic sectors...including SYD-CBR. To avoid fictitous numbers being put on the form, barcode everything that is drinkable, and make the beehives scan all the barcodes into a handheld PDA that cross-references to the CSM's Blackberry.

3. Introduce a galley cookbook for all Domestic Economy sectors. In this cookbook, outline all the oven temperatures and cooking instructions necessary for heating up muffins and cookies. Make it as complicated as possible. Publish the book in all languages other than English...preferably in Latin.

4. Reissue the esky dag bag so that it can only be used with one type of granny shopping foldaway trolley. Sell this 'one type of granny shopping foldaway trolley' at Uniforms and charge $150 for the privelege. Advise that the charge cannot be amortised over several pay periods and must be taken out of DTA in the next pay.

5. Complicate the monthly bid books by throwing in miscellaneous and useless data like statistics, pie charts, DTA payment schedules, and Carmen diagnostic tables. Further still, complicate the 4 digit pattern numbers by adding 6 decimal places after them, so that pattern numbers now read: 3045.378497. Make the bid books available only in digital format, font size = 6. Make the digital format downloadable only to 3G mobile phones or Vodafone Blackberrys.

6. Remove all parking spaces for invalid mobility scooters. If this is not logistically possible, then attach parking meters in the BNE/SYD/MEL bases. Have the beehive swipe their ASIC card in the meter and deduct $15 per hour from sign on to sign off. Deduct aforementioned fee from pay straight away.

7. Publish a faux article in The Source, detailing the dangers of wearing Lesbian Loafers at altitude and how this contributes to fatigue and rapid onset of DVT. Have podiatrists contribute to the article and also publish something in CCN under "I know its not procedure, but I like to wear Lesbian Loafers because I have kankles"

Oh I am so wicked!!!!!!!!! God forbid that I come back in another life as a pair of Lesbian Loafers.

Merry Christmas to all...and yeah....like the moderator says....lets not take ourselves too seriously.
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Old 21st Dec 2008, 02:39
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my favourite memory of short haul is a certain youngish male f/a who was sick of looking at photos of beehives' grand children. his solution was to show them photos of his own newborn.... the photos actually showed the casearian (spelling?) birth, blood and gore everywhere. within a matter of days no female would produce photos of children and life was more tolerable for him in bne base.
merry xmas and happy new year to all
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