I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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The scene: An Infantry Officer's Mess in Scotland
The Occassion: The visit of Comd Inf (A very snotty English General)
CO Inf Bn: (reminiscing about characters at his former staff posting) "Oh I remember Brigadier X, He was an illiterate idiot."
Comd Inf: "Brigadier X is my brother-in-law and he's got a first from Oxford in English."
Seperate time:
AAC Sqn OC (of a sqn somewhere between 662 664) being very clever, whilst leading a flight of Lynx, made his contact call to Hannover Zone in German.
Afetr a short pause the slightly puzzled German voice replied in English: "AA 6xx, understand you're a Hoover at 2000', OK clear to route as requested."
This was followed several minutes later by the call:"AA 6xx, this is Hannover Zone, be careful there's a refrigerator same height reciprocal heading..."
The Occassion: The visit of Comd Inf (A very snotty English General)
CO Inf Bn: (reminiscing about characters at his former staff posting) "Oh I remember Brigadier X, He was an illiterate idiot."
Comd Inf: "Brigadier X is my brother-in-law and he's got a first from Oxford in English."
Seperate time:
AAC Sqn OC (of a sqn somewhere between 662 664) being very clever, whilst leading a flight of Lynx, made his contact call to Hannover Zone in German.
Afetr a short pause the slightly puzzled German voice replied in English: "AA 6xx, understand you're a Hoover at 2000', OK clear to route as requested."
This was followed several minutes later by the call:"AA 6xx, this is Hannover Zone, be careful there's a refrigerator same height reciprocal heading..."
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Another old chestnut...
Wheelus Field, Libya. USAFE weapons meet. 48th TFW on det with single-seat Voodoos around the early 60s (?)
Boss RTBing with very poorly jet, being closely watched by attentive wingman who was squadron new-boy.
As they enter a VERY busy pattern, wingman suddenly calls "Colonel, you're on fire, eject immediately!"
Result? Four chutes and four smoking holes in the desert (and one career going no further)
Wheelus Field, Libya. USAFE weapons meet. 48th TFW on det with single-seat Voodoos around the early 60s (?)
Boss RTBing with very poorly jet, being closely watched by attentive wingman who was squadron new-boy.
As they enter a VERY busy pattern, wingman suddenly calls "Colonel, you're on fire, eject immediately!"
Result? Four chutes and four smoking holes in the desert (and one career going no further)
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GreyWalker
Thank You. I'll take your reply as a compliment.
Picture a busy director pattern, six in and a couple more pre-noted from LMIL (probably at 12 miles finals and still at 18 000 feet no doubt!) oh, and grobbly wx. Zone has a MATZ X-er just getting in the way of everthing and oblivious to the stress being caused not more than 2 yds away.
Director rings zone and says "Coordination, get the £U(k outta my face" - I suppose it was legal
Thank You. I'll take your reply as a compliment.
Picture a busy director pattern, six in and a couple more pre-noted from LMIL (probably at 12 miles finals and still at 18 000 feet no doubt!) oh, and grobbly wx. Zone has a MATZ X-er just getting in the way of everthing and oblivious to the stress being caused not more than 2 yds away.
Director rings zone and says "Coordination, get the £U(k outta my face" - I suppose it was legal
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GR1 at FL nose bleed (for it anyway).
"London RR*** is good vmc, request descent to low level."
"Negative RR*** request you remain FL200 for traffic 12 o'clock 10 miles."
"Roger.......F£<ing chimps"
Cue silence on freq then,
"Lead from 2, you might want to snag that PTT"
:-):-):-)
"London RR*** is good vmc, request descent to low level."
"Negative RR*** request you remain FL200 for traffic 12 o'clock 10 miles."
"Roger.......F£<ing chimps"
Cue silence on freq then,
"Lead from 2, you might want to snag that PTT"
:-):-):-)
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Hairy old 60 Sqn Andover pilot descending into Gutersloh. In an attempt to avoid all the usual ATC patter about Papi's, Cables, High Ground, No Deadside etc he pops up on freq with:
"Aaaaah Gutersloh this is AaaaaSCOT 1234 descending FL70 heading 110 and before you start I am aware of .... and I am aware of.. and I am also aware of....."
2 minutes later the air traffiker gets his first opportunity to speak (PS by now I'm 20 miles downwind in the radar pattern in a helicopter!!)
"Ascot 1234 roger, are you also aware of the traffic in your 12 o'clock range 2 miles? If not, avoiding action ......"
[This message has been edited by smooth approach (edited 05 September 2000).]
"Aaaaah Gutersloh this is AaaaaSCOT 1234 descending FL70 heading 110 and before you start I am aware of .... and I am aware of.. and I am also aware of....."
2 minutes later the air traffiker gets his first opportunity to speak (PS by now I'm 20 miles downwind in the radar pattern in a helicopter!!)
"Ascot 1234 roger, are you also aware of the traffic in your 12 o'clock range 2 miles? If not, avoiding action ......"
[This message has been edited by smooth approach (edited 05 September 2000).]
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When I was in the RAF, I held at RNAS Culdrose for a couple of months. At a Friday’s Happy Hour, I was approached by the Station Commander who said :
“So tell me …(looks at name badge) Chris- what’s the most important thing you’ve learnt about the Navy?”
“Backs against the wall, Sir!”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
“So tell me …(looks at name badge) Chris- what’s the most important thing you’ve learnt about the Navy?”
“Backs against the wall, Sir!”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
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.......during suitably cold and damp cross- country run at well known military college in Lincolnshire, a PTI was impressing the too-clever-for-their-own-good studes with his knowledge of anatomy and physiology...
"And what's this muscle called?"
<points to rear of lower leg>
"The calf, staff"
"And what's the proper name for the calf?"
"A baby cow, staff"
"And what's this muscle called?"
<points to rear of lower leg>
"The calf, staff"
"And what's the proper name for the calf?"
"A baby cow, staff"
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Great Fun!!!
An old and infamous herc loadie once had the AOC on board and with the AOC on headset decides to wind his captain up.
Unplugging the AOCs Intercom he announces "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Shocked silence flashing of career in front of captains eyes.
again "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Voice of AOC on intercom "Loadies a C@nt he's just unplugged the nav"
An old and infamous herc loadie once had the AOC on board and with the AOC on headset decides to wind his captain up.
Unplugging the AOCs Intercom he announces "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Shocked silence flashing of career in front of captains eyes.
again "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Voice of AOC on intercom "Loadies a C@nt he's just unplugged the nav"
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Wokka crew are about to take an ever-so nice young lady Int Officer for a jolly. She gets on board and as the loadie puts a head set on her blonde bonce, comments "Wow, this ones an absolute babe" and then plugs her in.
Captain, unaware of this, replies,
"OK, break open the p-strops, and we'll take it in turns, me first"
Ever-so soft and feminine voice was heard on intercom.......
"It'll take more than a few p-strops pal"
Captain, unaware of this, replies,
"OK, break open the p-strops, and we'll take it in turns, me first"
Ever-so soft and feminine voice was heard on intercom.......
"It'll take more than a few p-strops pal"
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Fighter Sqn arrives in Akrotiri for APC. 1st night in the bar, nurses all turn out to look over the new talent.
One young Lothario chats up nurse who is wearing totally spray on pants.
"My God" he asked, "how do you get into those?"
"Well" she replied, "you can try a double gin and tonic for a start"
One young Lothario chats up nurse who is wearing totally spray on pants.
"My God" he asked, "how do you get into those?"
"Well" she replied, "you can try a double gin and tonic for a start"
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Some years ago the pilot of a medium sized green helicopter was waiting for the assembled pax to finish boarding, including a certain Mrs. Thatcher. All done, the crewman went outside on long lead i/com for the start.
The pilot suddenly announced in a Glasgow accent: "Is Mrs. T. on intercom"?
"No, she's not", came the reply.
"In that case it's alright if I talk about my effin' piles then!"
"******, You haven't started any engines yet, I heard that out here without the intercom!"
Cockpit heater not required on that trip!
The pilot suddenly announced in a Glasgow accent: "Is Mrs. T. on intercom"?
"No, she's not", came the reply.
"In that case it's alright if I talk about my effin' piles then!"
"******, You haven't started any engines yet, I heard that out here without the intercom!"
Cockpit heater not required on that trip!
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I was in the Tower at Akrotiri when this happend.
The mighty F3 with the prima donna display crew landed at Akrotiri after a practice display. As part of the ego trip an extremely short landing run was practiced and the pilot wanted to vacate to the parallel taxi-way at the first exit. As the nose wheel kissed the tarmac the pilot pressed the button and said "Tower, Tornado 1, request next left."
The PTT stayed down and that ever pleasant sound of oxygen being sucked over a microphone filled the top tower.
After a short pause "Tower, Tornado 1 request next left?" By this stage he was just passing the first exit. A big sigh followed with the pilot saying "Oh £uck you then" at which point the PTT cleared and the tower could transmit.
The Tower controller leant forward, flicked his PTT switch - "£uck you too, cleared next left."
SWB- London Mil would never hand over at 12 miles and 18000 ft. You're living in a dream world boyo!
[This message has been edited by Watch Man (edited 07 September 2000).]
The mighty F3 with the prima donna display crew landed at Akrotiri after a practice display. As part of the ego trip an extremely short landing run was practiced and the pilot wanted to vacate to the parallel taxi-way at the first exit. As the nose wheel kissed the tarmac the pilot pressed the button and said "Tower, Tornado 1, request next left."
The PTT stayed down and that ever pleasant sound of oxygen being sucked over a microphone filled the top tower.
After a short pause "Tower, Tornado 1 request next left?" By this stage he was just passing the first exit. A big sigh followed with the pilot saying "Oh £uck you then" at which point the PTT cleared and the tower could transmit.
The Tower controller leant forward, flicked his PTT switch - "£uck you too, cleared next left."
SWB- London Mil would never hand over at 12 miles and 18000 ft. You're living in a dream world boyo!
[This message has been edited by Watch Man (edited 07 September 2000).]
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In another life I once worked with the Army at 9 Signals Regt in Cyprus and the then Colonel told me this story.
Background first - Manning the gate, but calling themselves Regimental Police, were the Royal Pioneer Corps. These peope were well meaning but mostly operating with a single figure IQ. In fact, before I arrived at the unit they had found two Pioneers who couldn't read or write. They'd blagged their way into the army because they could sign their name.
Obviously, the caring Army wanted to do the best for these boys so they charged them both for not reading orders!
Back to story: The leader of these happy band of imbeciles was one Cpl Clapton. Being simple folk they knew that there was a benevolent God and he took the form of the RSM.
Cpl Clapton called in one of his merry men and said "Go out on to the gate, and when the C.O. comes in, give him my compliments and tell him the RSM wants to see him."
"Right Cpl" Says our man who duly trots out to the gate and starts stopping every single car coming onto camp.
He politely asks each vehicle occupant "Are you the C.O?"
"No" Says the man in RAF uniform.
"Right, on you go then"
After around half an hour of this a Black Vauxhall Cavalier approaches the gate. Along it's side is a Royal Corps of Signals stripe. On the Bonnet sits a Colonels Pennant. Matey stops the car and taps on the window which lowers. "Are you the C.O?" he asks.
"No mate I'm the driver, the C.O.'s in the back".
sidestepping smartly he taps on the rear window which lowers.
"are you the C.O?" he asks.
"Yes, what's the matter" says the Colonel.
"I'd £uck off if I was you, the RSM's after ya"
Background first - Manning the gate, but calling themselves Regimental Police, were the Royal Pioneer Corps. These peope were well meaning but mostly operating with a single figure IQ. In fact, before I arrived at the unit they had found two Pioneers who couldn't read or write. They'd blagged their way into the army because they could sign their name.
Obviously, the caring Army wanted to do the best for these boys so they charged them both for not reading orders!
Back to story: The leader of these happy band of imbeciles was one Cpl Clapton. Being simple folk they knew that there was a benevolent God and he took the form of the RSM.
Cpl Clapton called in one of his merry men and said "Go out on to the gate, and when the C.O. comes in, give him my compliments and tell him the RSM wants to see him."
"Right Cpl" Says our man who duly trots out to the gate and starts stopping every single car coming onto camp.
He politely asks each vehicle occupant "Are you the C.O?"
"No" Says the man in RAF uniform.
"Right, on you go then"
After around half an hour of this a Black Vauxhall Cavalier approaches the gate. Along it's side is a Royal Corps of Signals stripe. On the Bonnet sits a Colonels Pennant. Matey stops the car and taps on the window which lowers. "Are you the C.O?" he asks.
"No mate I'm the driver, the C.O.'s in the back".
sidestepping smartly he taps on the rear window which lowers.
"are you the C.O?" he asks.
"Yes, what's the matter" says the Colonel.
"I'd £uck off if I was you, the RSM's after ya"
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did you hear about the 2 sen offs on their way to Main Buildng walking through underground station moaning about everything in general but particularly cash shortages and how even welfare for ex servicemen is being cut back.They then see a scruffy and hungry looking young man sitting on the ground with a cardboard sign in his lap which says "falklands veteran". Sen off says to his mate "see what i mean" and presses a tenner into young mans hand who looks up gratefully and says "Grazias senor"
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Scene:- The Camp barber's shop.
Officer & senior NCO each having their hair cut.
Barber #1 says to the officer:-
"Would you like some gel on your hair to hold it in place?"
Officer:- "Let me smell it"
Barber obliges.
Officer:- "Good God, absolutely not - my wife would think I'd been in a Turkish Brothel"
Shortly thereafter, barber #2 makes the same offer of gel to the NCO.
NCO:- "Yeah, go on, it doesn't bother me - my wife doesn't know what a Turkish brothel smells like"
Officer & senior NCO each having their hair cut.
Barber #1 says to the officer:-
"Would you like some gel on your hair to hold it in place?"
Officer:- "Let me smell it"
Barber obliges.
Officer:- "Good God, absolutely not - my wife would think I'd been in a Turkish Brothel"
Shortly thereafter, barber #2 makes the same offer of gel to the NCO.
NCO:- "Yeah, go on, it doesn't bother me - my wife doesn't know what a Turkish brothel smells like"
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Brown job dit from the hard of hearing:
Mrs Thatcher on victory tour of the Falklands after the war. Someone thinks it would be a good career move to let her fire an artillery piece.
This particular gun has a small metal seat for the firer. Thatch balances her generously proportioned iron posterior on the tiny seat and reaching for the firing cord asks:
"Will this thing jerk me off?"
Collapse of stout party! Apparently she was quite prone to unintended double entendres.
Mrs Thatcher on victory tour of the Falklands after the war. Someone thinks it would be a good career move to let her fire an artillery piece.
This particular gun has a small metal seat for the firer. Thatch balances her generously proportioned iron posterior on the tiny seat and reaching for the firing cord asks:
"Will this thing jerk me off?"
Collapse of stout party! Apparently she was quite prone to unintended double entendres.
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Telling the chaps at work today of this site I heard one about a Lt Col travelling baggage class in a Herc. As the loadie was walking aft,the Lt Col called out 'Staff....Staff'
The loadie chose to ignore him and carried on his way.
Job done, the loadie makes his way up front again and once more the agitated Lt Col calls out 'STAFF....STAFF'
The loadie has had enough by now and says 'Look, I am Flight Sergeant, not a bloody wooden stick'
To which the Lt Col says 'If you were in the Army, you would be a staff sergeant, hence STAFF'
The loadie smugly replies..'If I were in the army I would be a Lt Col!'
The loadie chose to ignore him and carried on his way.
Job done, the loadie makes his way up front again and once more the agitated Lt Col calls out 'STAFF....STAFF'
The loadie has had enough by now and says 'Look, I am Flight Sergeant, not a bloody wooden stick'
To which the Lt Col says 'If you were in the Army, you would be a staff sergeant, hence STAFF'
The loadie smugly replies..'If I were in the army I would be a Lt Col!'