Iraqi,

Priceless!! :D:D:D:D:D

Slight digression to thick passenger behaviour.

Why do the sheeple stand in line BEFORE boarding opens, when they have pre-assigned seats? Why, when as happened to me yesterday, a delay in boarding was announced, did 90% of them just stand there in line, baa-ing quietly to each other.

I can understand this on flights where there is no assigned seating, but on a longhaul with advance seating..... hello .....?


http://www.ashie.com/sheeple%20copy.gif

Sheeple. . .etc

Why stand in line to board first?

1. Early boarders have a better choice of overhead bins. A bad leftover can cause a missed connection. Only had one really near miss, but I had a "favorable" bin and made my connection, abeit a bit out of breath.

2. It is much more comforatable boarding the relatively non-crowded aisles at the beginning of the boarding process. Note that my frequent flyer status rewards me by allowing me to board early, right after premium class.

As a frequent flyer in all classes it's definitely the numpties who carry giant bags and cases then fill up the overhead bins that cause this need to board early. Sometimes it can get very difficult fighting over bin space and I really object to people rearranging my belongings, especially if they're not even from the same row or adjacent seats. I do wonder why airlines don't police the baggage more strictly as I often see people bring on more than is strictly allowed.

airsmiles

What has stale food got to do with flying?

Somehow I do not think you are going to impress many people here with that sort of bragging. The vast majority of contributors to PPRuNe would never even dream in their very worst nightmares about ever flying coach.

Once got on board after the majority. Looking for overhead bin space, found some over a couple who thought it was their bin. Tried to explain it wasn't their exclusively reserved space. That didn't work. I find that most people who start by entering a terminal loose most of their brain matter.

Manchikeri

". . .stale food. . . .bragging . . ." ? ? ? ?

Sorry you missed the point.

A colleague of mine was asked today for a "black coffee with milk". :D

Black tea with milk for me
 

As I hate green tea.

Glf

During disembarkation:

Me: "Bye Sir"

PAX: "Bye, erm, can you tell me where I pick up my phone?"

Me: "Pick up your phone?"

PAX: "Yeah, where do I get it?"

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not following you?"

PAX: "Where do I go to pick up my phone?"

Me: "Did you lose it somewhere?"

PAX: No, I just need to know where to get it?"

Me: "I'm sorry I don't know what you mean."

PAX: "The man at Stansted told me to put my phone in the machine and to make sure I picked it up at the other end..."

Me: "Was this man at security?"

PAX: "Yeah!"

Me: "I think the man meant for you to pick up your phone from the other end of the machine..."

PAX: "So my phone's not here then?"

Me: "I wouldn't have thought so, sir!"

PAX: "So, I've lost it then?"

Me: "I think it'll still be in Stansted."

PAX: "You haven't got it?"

Me: "No, sir!"

PAX: "Oh, okay, bye!"

:ugh:

Fellow pax on TG MNL to BKK last week when asked whether he wanted fish, chicken or pork for his meal replied “which is the more Thai?” When told the pork, his response “but I’m vegetarian”

I frequently ask for just that, or more precisely: Americano with cold milk on the side.
I don't like hot milk and prefer to add cold milk myself.

I asked for black coffee in a canteen 'oop North'. I was told : "You mean coffee without milk....".

After a few seconds of reflection, thinking, 'is it them or me ...?' I said : "Yes, that means it's black."

"We are not allowed to call it black ..........."

Freaking PC lot again.

Good Afternoon All:

My favourite was this, back in the pre 9-11 days cockpit door was open as were going to KSFO x CYVR.

Father and son show up un-announced at the door and father in a "stage whisper" says to his son "see all they do is push buttons all day". Without missing a beat I turn around and said you are absolutely right sir as it is analogous to brain surgery you just have to know when and where to cut.

My poor F/O at the time was drinking some coffee and practically choked……………

Needless to say father turned beet red stammered and walked away.

To this day I still do not understand why I did it

When I worked in a cafe years ago, a lady would pop in every morning to get her skinny decaf latte! One day one of my colleauges could resist no longer and told the lady "Coming right up, but what's the point, Madam?"

a330pilotcanada,Nice one.
Reminded me of the guy in big cowboy boots at KFC.
Paid a small fortune, because when anything went wrong, he was the only one who knew which computer rack to kick, and where....

CJ

Early nineties, Amsterdam Schipol. I was one of those waiting in line to use the payphone. The large American lady seemed to be having trouble getting the phone to hang on to her money. "Don't these dam Dutch phones take Regular Quarters" !!.

Local Custom and Practice . . .
 

. . . or, when in Rome . . .

Here in Edinburgh we used to ask for white coffee or black coffee and drink what is served up.

The process has become complicated by the Starbucks, Costa and Caffe Nero empires which offer as many options as an a la carte restaurant menu.

A colleague from the Weeg ( that's Glasgow to the uninitiated) likes to control the amount of milk in his white coffee and I noticed that he always asks for a black coffee with milk.

Some months back, we found ourselves in the Weeg's bus station caff. I asked the server for a white coffee only to be rebuked by said server with an indignant " dae yae mean a black coffee wi' mulk?!!!!" .

I have since discovered that "can I have a black coffee with milk, please?" is a secret code understood by baristas as "just a white coffee, no b/s and, no , I am not here to be ripped off".

I now order my coffee in non-specialist cafes here in Edinburgh as "black coffee with milk". The strange looks are less withering than the contempt in the voice and body language of that Glasgow bus station serving lady.

In Spain, the beverage is known as café con leche so maybe my Weeg neighbours enjoy the costas as much as I do.

Only twelve sleeps . . .

Thanks for the many laughs in this thread!

I am just a humble SLF, and this is not so much a "stupid comment" as a classic "lost in translation", but still funny:

In a Tunisair from Tunis to Vienna, flying over a lighted city at night about 20 minutes before landing.
Me: "Is this Graz?" (Graz = Austria's 2nd largest city)
CC: "No, not grass, it's a city."

(I didn't try again, as she seemed rather busy.)

Yes that is amusing and 20 mins before landing she/he was probably rather busy as you say. The cabin crew are not really aware of routes and unlike the passengers they don't have hours to spare (getting bored) looking out of the window. Even in rest time they are stuck in the galley sitting on catering boxes or CC seats without windows. I'm not saying 'give them a break' just that invariably they will not know landmarks. I always encouraged them to sit on the flight deck if they had any spare time and then their knowledge increased about routes and general operations.

B757 enroute to Teneriffe - At the end of a long stream of flight deck visits a young version of Forest Gump stumbled in. In silence he looked around the F/D and his eyes settled on the rear bulkhead.
"Have you any questions?" I asked politely.
Instead of asking one of the most common questions: "Do you know what all the knobs and dials are for?" he replied: "Yeh, is that your 'at?"

Brilliant stories here. I've witnessed quite a lot of funny things on flights aswell.

I wrote this one down on the flight because it was so amusing! On a flight to BOM;

CC: Hi sir, unfortunately we've run out of Non-Veg meals, so I'm afraid Veg is all we have to offer.
Pax: No no, I cannot accept this. I am a vegetarian!
CC: Yes sir, this is a Veg meal.
Pax: Yes yes, I know what it means this "veg meal". I told before that I do not eating the chicken[sic] I am vegetarian!
CC: Yes sir, this is a vegetarian meal. It's made with Vegetables.
Pax: No no, you cannot get this vegetables from the plane itself. From a garden maybe, but this is a fake vegetables. I know this!
*CC gets another member of staff to explain to the man who eventually takes the veg meal*
Meanwhile, another passenger overhears this and asks;
Pax: Excuse me, but there is no Chicken also?
CC: No sir, we've run out of non-veg meals.
Pax: But I like chicken! I paid for this plane(LOL how fortunate for us to ride on *his* plane!) so I can eat a chicken meal!
CC: I'm sorry sir. There isn't anything we can do. We've run out of Non-Veg meals.
Pax: Can't you tell one of the other waiters[sic] on the plane to look for a chicken one?
*Male crew steps in*
MCC: Sir, if you would like, you may come with me to the front, we can go look for chicken, but I'm afraid you might find yourself a little disappointed since we are so high up in the air!
CC: Okay, so? But how come how high we are has to do with food and chicken!?
:ugh::ugh::ugh:

Another time flying from SIN to DXB after a little family holiday;

A man was sitting next to my mother and had a bit of trouble figuring out what to do so he copied everything my mother did - probably to avoid any embarrassment for being so ignorant as he didn't seem too well off(whether he was or not, I don't know, but his appearance and later his actions made me think this). He copied her when she asked for tea, but the poor chap poured in his SALT into the tea instead - I knew this by the nasty faces he made every-time he took a sip(SHAME!). My mum suggested he ask for another if he wanted, but to our surprise, he refused and drank it all!! When our food came, he tried to imitate how she ate with her fork and knife. After our meal, we got one of them finger bowls, and to avoid being too obvious about his mimicry I suppose, he tried to 1 up my mother; He drank all the water in the finger bowl! :D

Shame! He probably had quite a lot to say about his (probably first ever) flight experience after enduring all that wahahaha!

I have many more stories of equally stupid people. Even stupid CC too! Much respect to you guys though. It must be so difficult dealing with morons like this on a daily basis!

Was stood waiting at the Ryanair customer service desk in EMA a couple of years ago. In front of me was an elderly lady and a middle aged lady, who it transpired was her daughter. The pair of them were having a heated debate with the woman on the desk. I wasn't really paying attention but assumed it was the usual story, lost ticket, out of date passport, missed check-in time etc. After a few minutes the two ladies turned away from the desk, facing towards me and looking pretty annoyed. The daughter then took out her phone, called someone (presumably a relative) and said in an exasperated tone with a heavy Lancashire accent, "they won't let mam on with 'er bus pass!"

Nigh-on messed my pants laughing at that one.

Sorry but a "thick passenger comment" here in the western world would be "do you have a seatbelt extension?"!

Lovely thread. Might as well chip in.

I have to admit I was a thick passenger once. But to my defense, he had a good laugh about it.

Loading on luggage and handbags on to the umpteenth security check, the assistant receiving asked me "Are you finished?". At that moment I expected "Do you have more items?" or something like that. I just couldn't help myself. "NO, I'm Danish!" which is in fact true. And it is also true I'm not Finnish.

He looked at me completely perplexed for 4 seconds, then the meaning dawned on him, and he hid his face in his hands and laughed. The poor chap didn't get around to normal operation for another 30 seconds, but he had a good laugh. I sincerely hope no passengers were delayed because of this innocent little joke.

Me: good morning, would you like to buy something from the catering cart mam?

Pax: Do you have orange juice?

Me: Sure, that will be ten rand please? (note that its in a box)

Pax: Is it freshly squeesed?

Me: :sad::confused: Im now squeesing the box....
Here you go mam, enjoy!:ugh::ugh:

travelling 'business' class, on a 'popular' america bound service.

CC. Chicken or beef? repeated several times before reaching row 3
Me. (alternate guise as thick SLF). Chicken, please.
CC. Sorry, we've run out of chicken.
:uhoh:
CC.:ouch:
Me. Beef, please. (I try to be polite, even when frustrated)

turns out the beef wasn't really beef, either, but something rather more resistant to chewing.
I should have stuck with the chicken.:\

liquids
 

My son who was voluntarily working as an airport ambasssador was recently asked by a man who was about to join the security check queue. "Is a banana classed as a liquid?"

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if these have been posted before.

There was once a very (in)famous Gulf Air CC who amongst other stories came out with the following:

CC: Would you like breakfast sir?
Male SLF: (upon opening the tray to find 2 sausages and scrambled eggs), Are these sausages muslim?
CC: Yes sir, that ones Mohammed and the other ones Ahmed.


Lady GCC national with whiffy baby, hands the baby to CC and says "Change the baby"
Cc goes off down the cabin finds another baby, asks its parents if she can borrow it for a few minutes takes it to first lady and says "I've changed your baby here is the replacement"

And she didn't get fired :}:}

cockney alphabet revised
 

Cockney alphabet

'A for 'orses, B for mutton, C for yourself...'

Flight attendant alphabet

delete 'B for mutton'
insert 'B for chicken'
...

This is a true story:

Many, many years ago I had the opportunity to visit the tower in CPH in the evening. Wandering around while some members of our group were explained something which didn't interest me, a typewriter with a paper sheet in it caught my attention. Various incidents from a day's work were logged here, and the latest reported several items of female clothing having been found on the runway during an inspection. Apparently, two new cabin crew members had been late arriving at the aircraft, and had been told to quickly throw their bags in the luggage hold and get on board. Nobody told them were the luggage hold was, so the ladies deposited them in a main undercarriage bay, on top of a closed landing gear door. The plane took off, the undercarriage door was opened to accommodate gear retraction, and the suitcases departed formation with the aircraft....

Was the illegal immigrant wearing women's clothing when he also 'departed formation'?

A Swedish friend in Greece about to fly to Botswana. I told him that it is the same time zone as us. He said it can't possibly be it is 1,000s of kms south.

For the record he is a doctor of biology and immunology. :sad:

"
My sister assures me that the 747 on which she flew to Hong Kong 'hovered' for 10 minutes before landing.

The same sister also assures me that in the US they drive on the left, the same as in the UK. When I challenged her I was told I didn't know what I was talking about and that she had driven 2000 miles on the left during a two week holiday. I commented that I was surprised she survived to tell the tale.

When we were viewing some old family 'cine' films, the same sister, when I commented that part of it was when Dad went to Lagos, said it was when he went to New York. As it was a Nigeria Airways 'plane I said he was going to Lagos. No, she said, why couldn't he have gone to New York on Nigeria Airways (from London). Then there was a shot in the street of obviously West African people on location, but she insisted it was New York - "there are black people in New York too, you know."

Finally, when we saw a bus that said : 'Lagos Muncipal Transport' on the side, she said : "You always have to be bloody right." "

I think I married your sister.....

You have my deepest sympathy!

Another Gulf Air tale;

Shiny "new" Tristar, operating DBX-KHI, entire 1st Class taken over by one of a smaller Emirate's Ruler and male entourage....females in the back, of course.

Party eventually get on board, most carrying hooded falcons from which they could not be parted (yes, it did make a mess, but they paid for the clean-up). Ruler sat alone, dignified, falcon on his arm, looking straight ahead, ignoring the commotion as they all settled.

One of our 700 new cabin staff was in charge of 1st Class, and was doing the rounds with the ceremonial coffee, as was done then in 1st Class (perhaps now as well). She hailed from deepest Essex, was the sort of blonde who puts "Bubbly" on her CV, and she had been trained to make a bright and friendly remark to her passengers as she poured for each one.

When she got to the Ruler, he did not offer much encouragement: he just sat there, staring ahead.

She was undaunted; she thought for a second, and then came out with......

"Does yer budgey talk, then?"

In the 60's someone I knew said that her friend "had been up in a Trident, you know, one of those vertical take off jobs".

I think the "ground gripper" could just about descend vertically but was not so good going up!

Really, Really thick passenger comment....I was left a note with a cheque asking me to buy 2 x 1/4 champagne for friends of crew member travelling from LAX to London on BA.

I had very light load in Club and went to see the couple in the very back of the 747 to move them forward. I just managed to introduce myself to the very middle class British couple in their late 50's when the 'gentleman' launched into me re the quality of the seat, the service etc. etc. finishing by telling me that they had flown part of their journey on Virgin who were much, much better than BA.

I thanked them for their kind comments and feedback and informed them that 2 x 1/4 bottles of champagne were available from their friend.

My flabber had never been so ghasted at how someone could deny themselves a very, very comfortable journey on a pretty long flight by their inapropriate comments:ok:

When she got to the Ruler, he did not offer much encouragement: he just sat there, staring ahead.

She was undaunted; she thought for a second, and then came out with......

"Does yer budgey talk, then?"

LOL priceless !

Reminds me of the story I heard about a couple who went on a motoring holiday in Europe. They wanted to visit Vienna on their travels. They came back and told their friends that they had a lovely time, but didn't manage to find Vienna with the limited maps etc that they had, and they never saw it signposted as they were driving through Austria.... but they did come across this beautiful city Wien, which almost made up for their disappointment !