On a London to South Africa flight :

"Will we be able to see Table Mountain when we land?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's in Cape Town and we're flying to Johannesburg."

"I know that, but surely you can see it from there."


And again, it's early morning, dawn breaking off the port wing as we cruise down the west coast of Southern Africa .......

"Is that sunrise or sunset?"

"Sunrise, it's just before 6 am local time."

"Oh, I thought it was different when you cross the Equator."


And on an Olympic airways flight JNB - NBO- ATH, this beautiful dumb Afrikaans brunette next to me, as Captain Kostas announces our approach into Nairobi some 4 hours after departure from Jan Smuts .....

"Are we still in Serth Effrica?"

"No, this is Kenya ...."

"Yiss, but are we still in South Africa ....."

So I showed her the map of Africa and the southern part of Europe in the IF magazine ..... and she ways to me ..... "Ag, so is this the whole world ....?"

"No," I said, "Have you heard of America?"

"Yiss, but I think maybe it's too small to show on here."

Dumb she was, but I let her take advantage of me on our night stop in Athens!

Happy Ending
 

to such a nice flight.....

who took advantage of who...

gfl

[dumb as she was[/quote]

Very







:E

Not sure if this has been posted before, but nice to know you are not alone....

Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes

One of my Favourites is watching passengers (Virgin Flyers) !!!! themselves when the plane slows down around 5 seconds after takeoff :P.. I do have a wee giggle everytime.. :D

Flight Deck Visits
 

Do you know what all these dials and switches are for? No but we can look them up in a manual.

UK-USA When do we cross India? Oh in about 2 hours, I'll get the CS to tell you.

What happens if I press this button (finger towards it)? You get a broken nose.

RAF VC10 (rear facing seats). Passenger requested a flight deck visit and ended up in the rear loo.

Trust me - the aircraft really, really doesn't slow down 5 seconds after take-off. It might feel to you as though it does, but it doesn't.

At Heathrow, planspotting gallery, father and son looking at BEA Tridents (I'm giving my age away).

Son : "Dad what's the difference between a Trident 1 and a Trident 2. "
Dad : "The Trident 1 has one engine ....."

Overheard at CPT :
"The London-Cape Town flight is always faster than the Cape Town-London because it's downhill."
"Yeah, and the petrol in England is better."

Slow Down After Take Off
 

Noise abatement? Throttling back, not speed back of course.

Not an airborn observation but we got a laugh out of it anyway.
During a power failure the other evening myself and our neighbour where discussing just how long it would last when the newly married young couple accross the street appeared. He goes into the garage as she waits on the doorstep. He calls out "there's been a power cut". She answers "so is all the lectric off as well" !!!.

Not noise abatement, just throttling back so that the plane doesn't break speed limits and climb outside of the instructions of the SID.

This is not a thick passenger comment, but a story I thought worth sharing.

Pax to crew: May I have a pen please?
Crew: Sorry Sir, I do not have one.
Pax: What's that in your pocket then?
Crew: That is my own pen, Sir, the company do not provide us with pens to give to customers.
Pax: So you DO have a pen then! Why did you say you didn't?
Crew: I'm sorry Sir but it is my own pen.
Pax: But if you HAVE a pen, you shouldn't say you don't have one. But if you do have one, can I have it?
Crew: Once again, sorry Sir, but it is my own pen.

This goes on for a while then:

Crew: Look, Sir, I am not WH Smith, this is my own pen I bought with my own money and I will not give it to you.
Pax: Well, I think you are rude, I'm going to write in a complaint about you!
Crew: No, you ain't, cos you haven't got a pen!

:D

Hi all

Nothing to add - I am just another wannabe pilot & a frequent Ryanair passenger that wandered into your forum :eek:.

Nonetheless I know exactly where you are coming from bout these numb-nuts & really enjoy hearing the experiences.

Keep them coming - I've got the popcorn out ! :}

A friend of mine was or is cabin crew at easyjet, and she told me how she was given a slip of paper by a passenger, on which she had written,

I'm a bit worried about the man two rows ahead of me, he looks very uncomfortable, and looks like he might be an arab! :eek:

To which she replied, what would you like me to do about him? The passenger replied, just keep an eye on him. :O

Having just been on a near 5 hour easy jet flight, I think we all probably shift about terrorist like in those seats lol!

Recently, my airstairs at the back were inop so we were only boarding using the front steps. My senior came down to warn me about the pax seated in the last row who was rude to her when he boarded in regards to not being able to board at the back.

When we landed, I made my PA to inform everyone to use the forward door only. At this point the pax came poked his head round the bulkhead and said, "you broken your door then? This is ridiculous, I was given this seat so I could get off straight away as I'm in a rush to get to a meeting! Now I'm going to be late!"

I looked down at my watch and said, "We've landed 20 mins early sir, I think you might be ok!"

His reply was an awkward cough, a "yes" and a mumbled thanks.

Back in my cabin crew days, we had one particular crew member (The type you would not like to have on board in an emergency situation!) who was known for her thick comments!

We were half way to TFS when she came rushing to the front galley, to inform us that the passenger in 26A was dead.

We, in a frenzy, got together some oxygen, defib etc and rushed down the cabin, only to be looking around for this 'dead' person. The passenger in 26A was sat up talking to her friend.

It turned out, that on the prior drinks service, she didn't respond to the crew member in question, and after the incident she said 'well, she looked dead'.

For this reason, we decided to play a joke on her. Downroute, we said that it was a new policy in TFS for a crew member to be on fire guard.

We had her stood at the bottom of the L1 steps holding a BCF and smoke hood box through the whole boarding process!

He lighten up,...I used to be a passenger ..once. Life and people are funny. I enjoy reading this thread. CC can have a laugh with us readily. Coming back from Atlanta some years ago, I thought I was so very lucky to be on a two seat bank. The young lady next to me from...the US of A gave forth that she was a model and dancer and was on her way to some lucrative terpsechorean venue in the night spots of France. Shortly after take off, my co passenger falls asleep and begins a rather noisy,sometimes loud eternal passage of wind! CC enquires why I keep leaning into the aisle to which my co passenger replies with another trumpet voluntary. Discarding the idea of a large cork, I asked the CC who was in fits of giggles for a thick blanket to cover the offending buttock. What a darling, she followed this up with a stiff whisky compliments of Delta:D

tea or coffee
 

I fly most weeks as slf and I still can't get the hang of the tea or coffee question. Must be something to do with zoning out with the headphones on but I do have to ask for the question to be repeated sometimes. (sorry... at least I remove the headset when spoken to).

I did hear a cracking thick comment this week whilst on holiday, waiting to buy a top-up in the T-Mobile shop Santa Monica - customer - " I have a problem, i think my phone is broken. I was trying to dial 1-800-DENTIST and the first bit was ok but when I started pressing the letters, numbers were coming up on the screen. Can you look at it for me please? ". The sales girl was unhesitatingly polite in explaining. Priceless.

During flight.
PAX to CC: ''Can you please shut off the speaker on my PSU, I don't want to hear the inflight announcements.''

During boarding.
PAX: ''Where is this flight going?''
CC: ''Probably to where you booked your ticket?''

I work on the ground in MAN. A few months ago, a flight from BFS to LBA diverted into MAN due to fog in LBA. The pax had to wait for a while before being allowed off the aircraft as it was an unscheduled domestic arrival. Whilst waiting, one of several rather aggressive pax asked what was going to happen after clearing immigration. I said there would be coaches laid on to take them to LBA. "Why the hell would I want to go to Leeds?" barked the man. "I don't know sir, you booked the flight" was my measured response.

more thickness
 

I am not CC but a pax with an aviation background and common sense to "get in, sit down, strap in and shut up". (no carry ons)
Best CC come backs ever heard:
1. raging large fe-pax at front desk was giving the agent a really hard time for act of god wx issues. The pax rant continued all the way down the jet way and the aisle until she sat in exit row aisle. (Anyone already know where this is going?). The gate agent notified the senior FA of the pax's attitude. Senior FA says quietly " I got it". Boarding continues and eventually the exit row briefs begin. CC: "Ma'me you'll need to move to another seat forward." Pax: more rant about being treated badly, followed by "I'm staying in this seat". CC: "Ma'me, really you'll need to move forward to 15D." Pax: "Why must I do that!" (ok here it comes). Loud enough for all to hear.. CC: "because you are too fat to sit in an exit row seat and are a safety risk to other passengers". Red faced Pax moved.
2. grossly huge male-pax with 3 carry-ons was told by ticket agent to check a bag. PAX (barging past the agent and down the jetway to 1st class he yells back over his shoulder, "This is my medical bag!" (i'm thinking - Jaba the Hut is a doctor? He's carrying a gym bag and 2 rolling suit cases).
At the hatch threshold he is met by greeting flight attendant. CC:"Excuse me Sir, You have 3 bags and need to check one". PAX goes into a rant (why do they do that?) "This is my medical bag!" CC: is it a personal oxygen bottle?.
PAX: "It's my medical bag! I'm bringing it on. I fly a lot and I know my rights!!"
CC: "I fly a lot too, and I know the rules. Check you gear."
Pax checked his bag.

I love to fly and just listen......

Thick Steward(ess) comments :D

PAX: The engines are a bit loud- can you turn them down?( can turn them off if you like ......)
PAX:Can you turn the air conditioning off? CC Can I explain the basic principles of pressurisation?

just a few from my collection
 

ok so we've all had the comments

Pax - "oh i've put my boarding pass away do you really need to see it again"
CC - "well sir it is a boarding pass, you cannot board an aircraft without one" Pax - "oh for goodness sake what do you need it again for"
CC - "Are you booked to go to Edinburgh sir?"
Pax - " No this is the newcastle flight isn't it?"
CC - "My point exactly Sir, there are 11 orange and white aircraft all parked next to one another going to different destinations - lets just make sure you're on the right aircraft shall we?"


Then there was a time a passenger hadn't quite managed to feed her small children and wondered if we could heat up her spag bol in our microwaves. bless!


Our Line Trainers like to have a bit of fun with New entrants
LT - "We've run out of wine could you just pop down to the cellar to grab some more"
CC - "how do I get to the cellar?"
LT - "into the flight deck and down the steps into the fwd cargo hold"
CC - "What steps in the flight deck? I wasn't told of any?"
LT - "Please tell me you're joking, you haven't been down the steps on your supernumerary? - thats an instant fail"
CC - desperately wanting to pass "Oh, you mean those steps"

and the latest courtesy of our Fabulous Flight Deck

Captain to new Entrant

Captain on interphone - "Oh hi could you just pop in here a moment"
CC - " Hi, what's the problem"
Captain pointing to ACARS - "yes could you just pop to the rear toilet and do a quick check a warning has appeared on our systems"
CC - "yes certainly"

a moment later

CC - "everything appears to be ok captain"
Captain - "Are you sure it's saying the toilet seat is still up - can you make sure it's down please"
CC - "oh I'm sorry yes certainly

Senior Cabin Crew Member to CC - "what are you doing? you did a toilet check a moment ago"
CC - "yes but I didn't realise I'd left the toilet seat up and the warning is still showing on their systems"
SCCM - "oh you poor thing - you have permission to ring the captain and tell him to :mad:

Our days are certainly never boring! :D

We (pilots) were positioning in uniform to fly another aircraft home. We always travel in business class, but the compay likes to keep us out of view from the people who pay, so we're sitting in the last row. A less than well informed female passenger saw us and asked if we shouldn't be sitting at the very front of the aeroplane. We mentioned that today, we were flying the aircaft from here using the IFE controllers and the screen. She believed us for about an hour, until the real Captain made the descent PA.

She saw the funny side. I won't mention what colour her hair was, but she wasn't a brunette!

A few years ago on a domestic flight in China, our airline had a passenger number problem. The headcount showed one less passenger than the manifest. Obviously, this needed to be resolved and an investigation followed. An exhaustive search found a little old lady with an urn in her lap which contained the ashes of her dead husband which she was returning to their ancestral home. She had purchaed a ticket, checked him in with his passport and our check-in in staff had issued him with a boarding card.

We now advise passengers that the spirits of the departed fly free!

Passenger dings his call bell. I stroll on down and when i get there a gentleman tells me he can hear someone downstairs, trying not to laugh i told him that the agents and paperwork told me the person downstairs in the coffin was dead but that i would go down and double check.

I also remember convincing a passenger that "that fing on d end of d wing" was an air to air refuelling dock but that we had plenty of fuel so he wouldnt be seeing the flying tanker today.......

PMFJI, I was on a London - Brussels flight one morning and stowing my hand baggage, putting paper and book in the seat pocket etc when this young lady (lady as she didn't swear) came up and said I was in her seat.

Having some experience I assured her I was in the right row, right seat etc and showed her my boarding pass. She then showed me her's; same row same seat etc.

Snap, except for one small detail. Her's was London - Belfast. Close but wrong :)

not quite sure how to quote just yet as I am new so please forgive me

Quote
Snap, except for one small detail. Her's was London - Belfast. Close but wrong

Indeed! however less of a thick passenger comment and more of an unobservant CC member me thinks. Just good job it was picked up at that level.

phew!

out of curiosity I assume the Cabin Crew carried out full security checks of the aircraft once the lady had disembarked the wrong aircraft?

TD, one way to quote is to put [q u o t e ] [/q u o t e ] without the spaces either side of something you wish to quote.

To quote with the OP as well in the URL header where it say Sunsweet Growers Inc xxxxxxxx and ends =1 delete the 1 and hit enter.

"Passenger dings his call bell. I stroll on down and when i get there a gentleman tells me he can hear someone downstairs, trying not to laugh i told him that the agents and paperwork told me the person downstairs in the coffin was dead but that i would go down and double check. "

Just simple SLF here , (obv), but if a PAX reports hearing a noise from below the cabin floor is stifling a laugh the natural reaction?

As a matter of interest what did you do?

:ugh::ugh::ugh::ugh: You do realise this is a light hearted look at the things we hear on a day to day basis?

787, as long as the thread is not read by any SLF who think they will be ridiculed for asking an apparently stupid question.

Remember the adage that the only stupid question is the question you don't ask.

Not SLF but anyway -

Two police were guarding our aircraft at Nairobi.

We politely asked if thye would like to look in the cockpit. the policewoman readily accepted and climbed the ladders to the cockpit. The policeman, far more worldly wise and with insoucance declined. He then spoilt the effect by looking round and asking where the propellors were.

Our turbines were embeded in the wing and not in external pods :)

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me thinks comet???

Superb aircraft.

*Rolls Eyes*

Well it wasnt like i laughed in his face. Also as i stated before he said he could hear someONE in the hold at 35000 feet. If you must know i did tell the captain when the passenger told me this and he laughed aswell saying there was no heating on down there so whoever it was surely would have frozen by now.

If he had said he had heard someTHING do you seriously think i would have found it funny? Because that would be my life on the line aswell. It was just a summary of a story that would have ended up with alot of waffle so i shortened it and ive ended up waffling anyway.

787, good wine?

I was talking generally rather than criticising the detail of your story.

Now if he had reported someone outside tapping on the door . . . :p

Pontius..
 

I'll bet he drinks carling Black Label,.....

...and why don't they have frosted glass in the toilet windows??:sad::confused::eek:

Cymmon, nice guess, no it was an Avro :)

So am I looking along Vulcan lines? Or any of the other V-bombers.......
Varsity and Valiant.....

Sorry, I'm just SLF but with a deep interest in all aviation.