Even on planes you can get salads which are straight out of the fridge and those which have warmed up to room temperature.

Not really a daft comment as such, but I have my 5 year old daughter convinced that in order to get the aircraft to take off or land she has to press the up or down arrow (volume control) on the IFE handset. You should see her little finger jabbing away as we are racing down the runway :p.

I have posted this elesewhere but it's worth repeating:

I was flying dear old B. Cal from Gatwick to FFaM and sitting up the front. There were not many folk on board, so after serving us all an excellent hot breakfast, the stews congregated in the galley in front.

I was privileged to overhear this conversation......

"...and when I went there to the back row of seats, he had his willy out !"

"Och Fiona, whatever did you do ?"

"I said to him in a very stern voice: 'put that thing away, and I don't want to see it again until the end of the flight'"

There was a stunned silence, followed by giggles, and one very red-faced member of the CC departed the group, having realised all too late the implications of what she'd said.

pax comments on flight crew pa
 

On a recent flight to LHR, the captain made a pa regarding the weather in LHR... (I have flown a lot I have to say and always observed pas from other airlines and I have to agree that our weather reports can sound a bit silly)

So here is the pa (and it is the same every time): "Ladies and gents, we will shortly be arriving in LHR, we have made excellent progress. Just a quick update on the weather, the weather in London is fine,temperature 12 degrees with good visibility, scattered (or broken) clouds at 10,000 feet, 70 % humidity and a light breeze coming ...(hesitation)...from the south-east.

At this time, a pax sitting in the last row started shouting "Shut up, I am not gonna fly or sail home, I am gonna drive!!!"

I have to say, I agree with him...I think that just " It is cloudy and windy in London with temperature 15 C" would suffice.

On another occasion, the welcoming pa from the flight deck was "Ladies and gents welcome to bla bla bla... on behalf of MYSELF, thank you for flying XXX"

A pax, who was a linguist comments... I have never heared anyone that speaks himself and on his behalf at the same time!!!!

Two comments, Blue.

Those of us that understand the workings of weather will take advantage of the highest quality current forecast we're ever going to hear.

Agreed on the myself bit. But, if you're going to have a go at anybody's spoken English, you could have a little play with spellchecking.

WRT to the weather reports for passenger PAs, we're either working off the METAR or TAF that we picked up before we left or more usually, the ATIS.
Hence it can sound a bit weird. :D

Maybe it would be nice to avoid jargon and speak to everyone "as you would speak to your grandma?" so everyone understands???

Oh and sorry for the spelling, you see english is my third language... I have to be careful nevertheless so thanks for the remark.

And by the way, I didn't have a go at anyone... Our pax have had... on both occasions... I just happen to agree...

(And then some people only blame cabin crew for defending themselves straight away!!!)

Please don't - that sort of abuse tends to knacker the handset over time. It's a pain having to explain to the next passenger in that seat that they can't have any IFE for their flight as the handset's broken. Also, please can everyone return their handsets to the stowage when you're not using it, keeps them working a little bit longer........

"Please don't - that sort of abuse tends to knacker the handset over time"


Build 'em better.

kthxbai

If it can't take 30 seconds of prodding from a 5 year old girl once a year then it shouldn't really be on the aircraft.

Speaking of obtuse PA comments:

I cringe every time the F/As Pa; " you should now be comfortably seated..." What if I'm stuck in the middle seat between two large , smelly people? Should I ding the F/As and tell them I'm not comfortably seated?

or

"please ensure your seatbelt is safely fastened..." What, is there another way of fastening the seat belt?

or
"I'd like to welcome you aboard.." OK then, welcome me aboard, don't tell me you want to welcome me aboard. Is it you can't welcome me aboard but someone wont let you?

The story I heard, from more than one source, concerns a B737 on one of the first flights repatriating Vietnamese 'boat people' from Hong Kong. Returning to the aft galley after having completed the meal service, the girls were simply gobsmacked to see a Vietnamese gentleman taking a dump by the rear door. He had no idea that he was just a few feet from two khazis. ('Rest Rooms,' for the cousins.)

Perfect Putdown
 

Some years ago, waited several hours in a very snowy swedish airport for a BA flight to arrive from LHR. Delay was due to England's annual 1 inch snowfall.
Finally boarded, a very loud irate passenger berated a very young and nervous looking stewardess about BA's inability to cope with a few flakes of snow while the Swedes could cope with several feet every day. The poor girl, appearing to be about to burst into tears, replied "I know, and half way across we all had to get out and push."
Loud laughs from all within earshot and not another peep from pax.

Beautifully played. :ok:

How do you cc make it through a career without at least once being charged with causing bodily harm on some well deserving pax? Amazing!

We don't. We just blow a slide, pick up a beer and run away ;)

Yes, there is. For example tying it in a knot would not be safe if you needed to undo in in a hurry. In any case on the flights i have been on the request is to "please ensure your seatbelt is firmly fastened".

Oh for goodness sake! This thread used to be about having a bit of fun. Now there's more nit-picking going on than in a primary school with an outbreak of headlice.

Am I the only one who at first glimpse of the Eagle Jet International ad at the top of this page reads "Asian babes" and not "Asian bases"?

Must just be my filthy mind.

Anyway, please carry on with your stories and ignore the moaning minnies.

p-k-b

I spent a large part of a rainy weekend reading 855 posts. It took awhile longer than expected as I had to frequently translate English to Ugly American :D

CC - you folks are deserving of the award for the most patient and humorous people in the world. Well done.

Keep them coming, please.

I feel sorry for any passenger who has to encounter me when i'm tired... My last flight i managed to hit a poor unsuspecting pax on the head with a bottle of water and then half an hour later hit another pax with a bottle of orange juice on the arm. I wish i could have been able to blame turbluence of my clumsyness!

Both pax where very understanding after i had apologised a hundred times. Some days I'm glad i have a mob of blonde hair to hide behind!

Considerably richer than you!!
 

This comes from my old man who used to fly on a well known British charter airline. This is so razor sharp I often wonder if my dad was just relaying CC urban legends.

Picture a couple just like Harry Enfield's "Considerably richer than you" skit. They're off to Alicante on there annual holiday.

CC: Morning, can I get you a drink?
Snotty wife: I'll take a G&T please..... Thats a Gin and Tonic, to you dear!!(in most patronising tone)

Without missing a beat.

CC: Do you want Ice & a slice, miss??...... That's frozen water and a piece of lemon to you.
Snotty wife: Erm.............(silence)

Last week a passenger asked one of our crew "Is the steak baguette beef?" :ugh:

That's not really as stupid as it sounds. You do get fish steak, pork steak, etc.

Now here's stupid ...... I went to a braai (BBQ) with my ex, who was a vegetarian.

"We remembered that Sam is vegetarian, so we've got chicken for her ......".

I couldn't help myself, I just said : "Is a chicken a f***ing vegetable .....?"

thick Americans
 

Scene - 777 to Muscat - Club cabin packed with elderly American pax going to join a cruise - before take off : American harridan to cab crew -"this is outrageous - we shouldn't have to sit over a wing in business class" - steward's response ~ would you like us to remove it for you, madam?:eek:

ships too!
 

Can't resist this. Cruise director on a Carnivore lines ship told me of a passenger who wanted to be moved to a better cabin as all he could see from his window was the dock. Did not realise the view would change when the ship moved.:O

not sure who got this wrong...
 

Hi everyone, my first post, a great thread. Not sure if this was thick passenger and how much down to crew, but...

Late 90s and my ex boyfriend was flying from Aberdeen to Stansted, boarded, flew, no problem. Except when he landed he was in Luton, his baggage having correctly gone to Stansted. I always wondered if he could have done the same thing and ended up in Norway or wherever. My question is HOW did that happen?!

Very funny thread.

Comment from legacy hit home. Here in my big-city USA life, the subway drivers regularly remark that large groups can enter and exit the trains through different doors, and will end up on the same train/platform. I love when they do the math..."6 cars, 3 doors per car, all going to the same place."

I'm so sorry that you end up dealing with the dumb Americans. While the news may say otherwise, they are the minority. Maybe you don't notice the rest of us because we don't cause a ruckus?

Passenger's requests inspire a re mix.
 

See for a musical rendition of, well just watch and you'll see.

YouTube - I WANT TO DRINK TEA

A very long time ago at LGW sitting on ground with pax onboard due to a tech problem. Engine housing is open and engineer is in fixing/locating problem.
Call bell goes and elderly lady says "I just wanted to let you know dear that there's a pair or legs sticking out of the engine".
Me: "They belong to the engineer he's just sorting out the problem"
Elderly lady: "Well you'd better let him know they're there"
Me: "I'll be sure to let him know!!"

Not so much thick passenger, as ar$ehole passenger comments - Tuesday's SQ958 SIN - CGK, Singaporean "gentleman" in 32G calls the CC and demands a headset. "I'm sorry sir," says the lass, "we don't issue headsets as it's short flight". It's 1 hr 15 mins max, so take out the climb and descent and you've got around 55 mins of viewing time.

Singaporean goes very red in the face and berates the lass for not having a headset for him and demands the CSD's presence. She scoots off to find him. Passenger then gets up and retrieves his bag and extracts a large set of Bose noise-cancelling headphones, places them on his head and watches TV.

CSD then appears but his apologies are cut off by a curt wave of the hand from passenger who doesn't even speak to the CSD. At the end of the flight, the CSD returned and apologised again, to be off-handedly dismissed again!

How do SIA CC put up with this??

Tales from a pax:

Years ago, flying World Airways OAK-Newark-Boston, noticed on check-in they'd put a baggage tag for NWK on my checked luggage when I was going to Boston. When I pointed this out, they said sorry, and corrected it.

Then on approach to Newark, the pa said, "Please check your baggage tickets. If it says Newark, and you are going to Boston, please exit the plane, claim your luggage, and re-board."

Frantic inspection by pax, followed by half of them shuffling out the door and returning later.

Amazingly, it only delayed us by 45 minutes.


Another World Airways story:

Flew the same route one time on Christmas Day, so the plane was nearly empty. Somehow, their computer assigned four pax the same seat, so they felt the need to argue about whose it was. The cc politely informed that they could sit anywhere they pleased, but if they kept arguing, we couldn't take off.


Different airline, but flying to Milwaukee, stopped enroute at another Wisconsin airport in the winter. It was snowing heavily, with a hellish crosswind which was getting worse, when two new passengers ticketed for the same seat stood there arguing.

The cc, in a rather adamant voice, said that "If you don't sit down some where and buckle up, we won't be able to take off and we'll be stuck here."

End of argument. They both sat down promptly and away we went.

The kind of people that just want to cause trouble
 

Years and years ago, I used to work alternating day and night shifts in a large computer room. After a long night shift, my wife and I flew to Tenerife the following morning. I was sitting by the window, my wife in the middle seat and a woman passenger in a pink shell suit in the aisle seat. She obviously had a bee in her bonnet about not getting a window seat.

After a while waiting on the ground to depart, I pulled down the blind and fell asleep. Evidently the woman turned to my wife and said "Would you ask your husband to lift the blind as I want to see the Alps", She opened the blind and peered out the window, turned back to the woman and said "Nope! No Alps yet. Only Crawley".

She then reached into the seatback pocket and showed the woman the intended route in the magazine, which took us too far west to get any view of the Alps!

This same woman, later during the flight, when confronted by a CC pushing the trolley down the aisle clearly only stocked with cold drinks and snacks took a long hard look at what was on the trolley when she was asked what she would like and asked for the one thing that she probably knew they would not have. Hot chocolate!

I need to go toilet!
 

I was once on a 747 rotating off the runway at a fair old pace when a passenger stood up and tried to get to the toilet!

I can't remember if the CC stood or just shouted at him to sit down, but what is the procedure when this happens? Are CC allowed to get out of their seat at such a time?

Luca

We are, but you'll find that they won't do it as it's not safe to do so!!! Just tell them to sit down and wait!

I was the annoying passenger a few months ago. It was 4 days after that guy threw a tantrum over his money not being on the aircraft, when he won on his scratch card and I happened to be on a Ryan air flight to the Czech Republic.

The Steward asked me "Would you like a scratch card?"
I Replied, "No thanks, I've just eaten".

He laughed too though, thankfully. :ok:

Pax: "So do you really enjoy this 'nothing' kind of job, I mean its just really kind of brain dead" "You wouldn't have to have alot of skills or a university degree"

Me -CC "Well actually I do have a degree two actually, a Bachelor of Science and Bachelor of Nursing"

walk away and leave pax with his jaw hanging...

From a friend of mine who had the unenviable job of working in a large airline complaints department during the Volcanic Ash episode. When Scottish airspace opened temporarily in the middle, he had the following discussion.

"It says on the news that Glasgow will be open tomorrow so why is my flight still cancelled. Why can't we go from Glasgow?

"Because unfortunately, Heathrow airspace will still be closed Madam and the aircraft is at Heathrow.

"Yes but Glasgow will be open. Why can't you transport us by road to Glasgow and we can meet the plane there?"

"Because Heathrow Airport is closed Madam and as I said, the plane is at Heathrow"

"Yes, I know! That's why you need to fly it to Glasgow, which will be open, so we can get our flight!"

"You really aren't getting this are you, Madam?"

BMI - Scots wit
 

Flew down EDI-LHR recently, used to do the route a lot when I lived up there, and wanted a glimpse of the bridges and Grangemouth (my old stomping ground). Asked crew about the routing pre-flight, and as BD*G in seat 1A, and therefore somehow in no way a security threat, they said "oh, just go through to the cockpit and ask the captain".

ME: So Captain X, in which direction are we taking off this evening?
CAP: Up, I should hope.
ME: That's good, traffic on the A1 southbound is pretty hectic.


An OT anecdote re over the top customer service in the USA being taken down a peg or two - my aunt goes into Macy's in NY, an obsequious assistant scuttles up:

ASST: Hello madam, and how are you today?
AUNT: Fine, and you?
ASST: Yes, I am good. My name is xxxx, you can ask me ANYTHING.
AUNT: Okay then. How much do you weigh?

I was on an Air Finland flight recently and a passenger got out of their seat just before take off. A sharp "Sit Down" came over the PA. I assume the passenger complied.

Earlier this year I was at Terminal 5 LHR (BA Terminal) waiting for my bag. Things did not look good, no more bags on the belt. Another passenger, also waiting for their bag, turned to me and said "British Airways flight?"

Recent jet2 flight from RHO at LBA. I visit the cockpit while the rest of the passengers leave (have around 5ish minutes). ask them how they got into avation. But in the excitment of been in a 757 cockpit i just ask "how did you get into it" ... captain's comment "through the the door on the plane" haha ... i felt like a thick passenger.