ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Heard at AMS Schipol a few months ago -
Winds were light/var and had just changed from taking off on runway 24 to land on 06.
Midland call up and requested 24 for takeoff.
Controller (in sarcastic dutch voice) 'Yes 24 but you might have a problem with aeroplanes landing in the opposite direction' !
-------------------------------------------------
ATC : Aerlingus xyz cleared lagar
Lingus : Where is that ?
ATC : spelt 'L A G A R'
Lingus 'Aaaahh, had it been Guinness we would have found it' !
Similar - we were cleared to 'lagar' and replied 'we should be able to find that' with a laugh in our voice ...
Controller : contact xyz with a packet of crisps ' !
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Winds were light/var and had just changed from taking off on runway 24 to land on 06.
Midland call up and requested 24 for takeoff.
Controller (in sarcastic dutch voice) 'Yes 24 but you might have a problem with aeroplanes landing in the opposite direction' !
-------------------------------------------------
ATC : Aerlingus xyz cleared lagar
Lingus : Where is that ?
ATC : spelt 'L A G A R'
Lingus 'Aaaahh, had it been Guinness we would have found it' !
Similar - we were cleared to 'lagar' and replied 'we should be able to find that' with a laugh in our voice ...
Controller : contact xyz with a packet of crisps ' !
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Join Date: Mar 2003
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On approach to Columbia, a small non-controlled airfield in California last weekend:
Unicom
Me: Cessna XXX 5 miles to run from the West, passing 4000 for 3000, we will be taking runway 17.
Be-55 coming into same airport from Las Veags:
Don't take it too far as we need it to!!
We laughed...
Unicom
Me: Cessna XXX 5 miles to run from the West, passing 4000 for 3000, we will be taking runway 17.
Be-55 coming into same airport from Las Veags:
Don't take it too far as we need it to!!
We laughed...
Join Date: Oct 2002
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German With A Sense Of Humour!!!
Heard this on the waves at a German Airport a while ago.
-BA pilot calls up ready to push
- ATC negative sorry youve got a 20 min delay
Straight after
- Lufthansa pilot a couple a stands away called up ready to push
- ATC cleared him for push and start straight away
- BA pilot why was he cleared for immediate start and push when weve got a 20 min delay
- Lufthansa pilot thats coz we gotup at 5oclock to put our towels on the runway
-BA pilot calls up ready to push
- ATC negative sorry youve got a 20 min delay
Straight after
- Lufthansa pilot a couple a stands away called up ready to push
- ATC cleared him for push and start straight away
- BA pilot why was he cleared for immediate start and push when weve got a 20 min delay
- Lufthansa pilot thats coz we gotup at 5oclock to put our towels on the runway
Join Date: Aug 1999
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In Amsterdam today:-
ATC: KLM xxx are you ready to taxi?
KLM: Negative. The tug driver has managed to lock himself in his cab and cannot get out to disconnect the aircraft. We might be here a while!
It seemed to ammuse the ground controller for quite a while.
ATC: KLM xxx are you ready to taxi?
KLM: Negative. The tug driver has managed to lock himself in his cab and cannot get out to disconnect the aircraft. We might be here a while!
It seemed to ammuse the ground controller for quite a while.
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Heard on a frequency today..
.. busy traffic conditions.. one 757 just down and rolling out. A further 757 on short finals and a RJ lined up and ready immediate.
Tower controller clearly needing to get the first 757 vacated as soon as able passes message ...
"*£$ 123 If you can exit at XY that will help me out a lot"
A/c replies
" Er, hang on.. er yes a handbrake turn and..er.. yep we got it"
made me smile anyway 
.. busy traffic conditions.. one 757 just down and rolling out. A further 757 on short finals and a RJ lined up and ready immediate.
Tower controller clearly needing to get the first 757 vacated as soon as able passes message ...
"*£$ 123 If you can exit at XY that will help me out a lot"
A/c replies
" Er, hang on.. er yes a handbrake turn and..er.. yep we got it"
made me smile anyway
NATO E3, routing Waddo, NAVPI, Ramstein.
"London Mil, NATO42 climbing out of Waddington, routing direct to NAV Papa One (said in proud voice)!"
"NATO42 London Mil, identified, say again where you're routing to?"
(Now a little worried) "Uhhhhh, NAV Papa One Sir!"
Didn't have the heart to burst his bubble "Roger, route direct to NAV Papa One, request your estimate?"
More USAF, all transport ac!
"London Mil, RCH1234, FL240"
"RCH1234 London Mil, Identified, What type of service?"
Responses: 1) "Uhhh, can I have the ILS at mildenhall please sir?"
2) "I'd like 150 gallons of fuel and a screenwash please sir!" and finally, 3) "Can I have the full service please sir?" "Certainly, would you like coffee with that?" joke I! PAUSE "Sorry Sir, is that your British Sense of humour?"
"London Mil, NATO42 climbing out of Waddington, routing direct to NAV Papa One (said in proud voice)!"
"NATO42 London Mil, identified, say again where you're routing to?"
(Now a little worried) "Uhhhhh, NAV Papa One Sir!"
Didn't have the heart to burst his bubble "Roger, route direct to NAV Papa One, request your estimate?"
More USAF, all transport ac!
"London Mil, RCH1234, FL240"
"RCH1234 London Mil, Identified, What type of service?"
Responses: 1) "Uhhh, can I have the ILS at mildenhall please sir?"
2) "I'd like 150 gallons of fuel and a screenwash please sir!" and finally, 3) "Can I have the full service please sir?" "Certainly, would you like coffee with that?" joke I! PAUSE "Sorry Sir, is that your British Sense of humour?"
niknak
Join Date: Dec 2001
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At Norwich today:
"Tower, Gxxxx at A2,ready for departure"
"Gxx, roger line up and wait rwy27"
"Tower, Stearman Gxxxx at B1 ready for departure"
"Stearman Gxx line up rwy27, the PAxx on the threshold is holding, clear for take off, surface wind is....."
"Roger, clear for take off, Stearman Gxx"
"Tower PAxx, Gxx, we were ready before the Stearman and you have delayed our departure"
"Gxx, Tower roger, I'll see you in court......."
"Tower, Gxxxx at A2,ready for departure"
"Gxx, roger line up and wait rwy27"
"Tower, Stearman Gxxxx at B1 ready for departure"
"Stearman Gxx line up rwy27, the PAxx on the threshold is holding, clear for take off, surface wind is....."
"Roger, clear for take off, Stearman Gxx"
"Tower PAxx, Gxx, we were ready before the Stearman and you have delayed our departure"
"Gxx, Tower roger, I'll see you in court......."
Join Date: Jun 2001
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One of my many mistakes:
"Liverpool this is sea King 122"
Liverpool "Sea King 122 pass your message."
Sea King 122 "Liverpool this is Sea King 122, we are a Sea King...........but you had probably guessed that alreday."
My favourite call when operating in the Falklands:
"Tiger 25 comming over the Bosums for Alice"
Top Thread.
"Liverpool this is sea King 122"
Liverpool "Sea King 122 pass your message."
Sea King 122 "Liverpool this is Sea King 122, we are a Sea King...........but you had probably guessed that alreday."
My favourite call when operating in the Falklands:
"Tiger 25 comming over the Bosums for Alice"
Top Thread.
Before "Ze Germans" get here
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Student Pilot climbing out in his clapped out C152 is advised that he has military jets flying at low leve left to right at 2 miles. " Too close for missiles switching to Guns" Too much Top Gun
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Picture the scene, late night at Belfast clear skies. One Easy inbound and one Jetset. The Jetset was closely following the Easy for landing
Radar: Jetsetxxx traffic is straight ahead at 5 or 6miles, report them in sight.
Jetset: Got him in sight dead ahead, straight shot!
Easy: Easy to Jetset, we're reducing to 180kts. We' chaffing (sp?) by the way
Jetset: Ahh we won't go to guns too early then!
Radar: Jetsetxxx traffic is straight ahead at 5 or 6miles, report them in sight.
Jetset: Got him in sight dead ahead, straight shot!
Easy: Easy to Jetset, we're reducing to 180kts. We' chaffing (sp?) by the way
Jetset: Ahh we won't go to guns too early then!
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Well, this may not be funny, but the controllers did. I am on work experience in the tower!
Controller: Erm, Ops 5 (a vehicle) Wait at G3 and line up on runway!
Bit stupid, but hey
Cheers
Simon
Controller: Erm, Ops 5 (a vehicle) Wait at G3 and line up on runway!
Bit stupid, but hey
Cheers
Simon
Join Date: Jul 2003
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A very un-seasonal one:
TWR to a recently departed a/c: "Air Force 403, What is your comments to the snow on the runway?"
403: "Well .. ah .. we're on top here at 2.000 ft"
TWR to a recently departed a/c: "Air Force 403, What is your comments to the snow on the runway?"
403: "Well .. ah .. we're on top here at 2.000 ft"
Join Date: Jul 2002
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A rather long one, but….here goes….
I was visiting the twr at ESxx (a quiet little airport in Sweden) one evening in april 2001. Darkness was creeping in on us, when the evening ScandinavianCommuter Dash8 called in.
He asked for, and was cleared for the Visual 27. After a while we could spot him coming in from the south.
The cockpit-dane in charge of the radio that night (probably the Cap.) came on the air;
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights on, please "
The twr-guy looks at me, as if
, since the lights had been on for a while.
TWR: - "SCxxx, Twr – Lights are on"
By now he had gotten so close, that he should've been able to see the runway.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights 100%, please" (His voice is starting to sound irritated.)
TWR: - "Lights 100%, …..there you go!" (…tower-guy, shaking his head.)
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Please check and verify: Lights on 100%" (…with a tone implying that the twr-guy is some sort of retard!)
TWR: - "SCxxx, twr – Checked and verified" (…as we're both looking at the rwy, lit-up like a christmas tree.)
The Dash is getting really close now,…..well within 15 degrees from final.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – I need those rwy-lights,…PLEASE!!!" (Voice getting agitated…)
Twr-guy being fed up with this cr*p, replies…
- "SCxxx, Twr – Check: Ray-Bans OFF!"
A moment of silence follows…..
SC: - "Uuuhhhh….OK………...sorry…………dim lights, please"
They made the turn (really late and kind of steep) and landed safely, after which the twr-guy started ventilating his feelings on SC/SAS crews to me.
He then had the captain on the phone, and………well, you know!! He mainly used the kind of words that would show up as 
on this board.
Makes me everytime I think of it....
I was visiting the twr at ESxx (a quiet little airport in Sweden) one evening in april 2001. Darkness was creeping in on us, when the evening ScandinavianCommuter Dash8 called in.
He asked for, and was cleared for the Visual 27. After a while we could spot him coming in from the south.
The cockpit-dane in charge of the radio that night (probably the Cap.) came on the air;
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights on, please "
The twr-guy looks at me, as if
, since the lights had been on for a while.TWR: - "SCxxx, Twr – Lights are on"
By now he had gotten so close, that he should've been able to see the runway.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights 100%, please" (His voice is starting to sound irritated.)
TWR: - "Lights 100%, …..there you go!" (…tower-guy, shaking his head.)
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Please check and verify: Lights on 100%" (…with a tone implying that the twr-guy is some sort of retard!)
TWR: - "SCxxx, twr – Checked and verified" (…as we're both looking at the rwy, lit-up like a christmas tree.)
The Dash is getting really close now,…..well within 15 degrees from final.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – I need those rwy-lights,…PLEASE!!!" (Voice getting agitated…)
Twr-guy being fed up with this cr*p, replies…
- "SCxxx, Twr – Check: Ray-Bans OFF!"
A moment of silence follows…..
SC: - "Uuuhhhh….OK………...sorry…………dim lights, please"
They made the turn (really late and kind of steep) and landed safely, after which the twr-guy started ventilating his feelings on SC/SAS crews to me.
He then had the captain on the phone, and………well, you know!! He mainly used the kind of words that would show up as on this board.Makes me
everytime I think of it....
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TWR: "PS14, make one orbit, priority take off"
PS14: "Do I get more delay or what!?"
TWR: "What!"
"DX 268 confirm you are not on this frequency?"
Firemen do it as well: "Crash 1 from Crash 2, turn on your radio"
"OTV you have a mast 2 miles ahead"
"Roger. I can see it loud and clear"
"Poky 67, you are indentiflied"
"I'm overhead the radial"
"Remain east of the extended centerline"
"Request to do a full procedure ILS, by ourselves"
from the EKKA "linebook"
PS14: "Do I get more delay or what!?"
TWR: "What!"
"DX 268 confirm you are not on this frequency?"
Firemen do it as well: "Crash 1 from Crash 2, turn on your radio"
"OTV you have a mast 2 miles ahead"
"Roger. I can see it loud and clear"
"Poky 67, you are indentiflied"
"I'm overhead the radial"
"Remain east of the extended centerline"
"Request to do a full procedure ILS, by ourselves"
from the EKKA "linebook"
Sub Judice Angel Lovegod
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A few from my own experience as a pilot, all completely true in essence, but the exact words may have got a little fuzzy in the mists of time:
First one ironically close to the very first post in this whole thread three years ago:
ME (flying HS125 in Spain): Pan Pan Pan xxx123 No 2 Engine failure out of 390 we can probably hold about 220 on reaching. We'll go to Madrid. Services at Madrid please.
HER: xxx123 Negative you must maintain 390 acknowledge
ME: Unable comply, engine failure, we are in the float down passing 370.
HER: NEGATIVE NEGATIVE Climb immediately 390
ME: WE HAVE LOST AN ENGINE WE ARE DESCENDING THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. JUST GET YOUR SUPERVISOR ON THE RADIO IF YOU CANNOT COPE
HER: IT IS VERY DANGEROUS WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU MUST RETURN TO YOUR ASSIGNED ALTITUDE.
ME: Please will someone explain to her what's going on.
<some words spoken in Spanish>
HER(all said as if nothing had happened): xxx123 Continue descent. Make your heading 350. Expect Radar vectors to runway xx at Madrid.
Second one at Glasgow, perfectly calm night, taking off in a C404, when suddenly at about 200' I encounter severe turbulence, with a bank angle of about 50deg.
ME: xxx123 I think we just encountered wake turbulence. What departed in front of us?
GLA: A Shorts 360
Disembodied voice, strong scottish accent: We don't create wake turbulence, sonny, we make bow waves.
(This next one will be lost on non-brits)
On a night mail flight from Lydd to Liverpool, on first contact with LATCC (it always used to be quite relaxed on the R/T in the middle of the night in those days)
LATCC: Your route this morning is DET, LAM, BNN, DTY, WHI
ME: Roger. M20, M25, M1, M6 to Liverpool
LATCC (without a moment's pause): That's correct, your clearance limit is Knutsford Services.
On an ambulance flight into Alconbury, carrying doctor, nurse and an ice box containing a heart for transplant:
ALCONBURY: How many souls on board?
ME: Now, that's really a tough one!
Flying a Chieftan to "County Kerry International Airport":
CORK: Contact Kerry Tower on xxx.xx
several abortive attempts to call them, then back to Cork
ME: Cork, xxx123, unable to contact Kerry on xxx.xx, please confirm the frequency.
CORK: Standby, I'll call them on the landline.
..
CORK: xxx123, Try Kerry again on xxx.xx
ME: Kerry this is xxx123
KERRY (Strong Kerryman accent, very out of breath) xxx123, sorry about that, I was downstairs having me tea.
As I say, all these guaranteed true and happened to me.
W
First one ironically close to the very first post in this whole thread three years ago:
ME (flying HS125 in Spain): Pan Pan Pan xxx123 No 2 Engine failure out of 390 we can probably hold about 220 on reaching. We'll go to Madrid. Services at Madrid please.
HER: xxx123 Negative you must maintain 390 acknowledge
ME: Unable comply, engine failure, we are in the float down passing 370.
HER: NEGATIVE NEGATIVE Climb immediately 390
ME: WE HAVE LOST AN ENGINE WE ARE DESCENDING THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. JUST GET YOUR SUPERVISOR ON THE RADIO IF YOU CANNOT COPE
HER: IT IS VERY DANGEROUS WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU MUST RETURN TO YOUR ASSIGNED ALTITUDE.
ME: Please will someone explain to her what's going on.
<some words spoken in Spanish>
HER(all said as if nothing had happened): xxx123 Continue descent. Make your heading 350. Expect Radar vectors to runway xx at Madrid.
Second one at Glasgow, perfectly calm night, taking off in a C404, when suddenly at about 200' I encounter severe turbulence, with a bank angle of about 50deg.
ME: xxx123 I think we just encountered wake turbulence. What departed in front of us?
GLA: A Shorts 360
Disembodied voice, strong scottish accent: We don't create wake turbulence, sonny, we make bow waves.
(This next one will be lost on non-brits)
On a night mail flight from Lydd to Liverpool, on first contact with LATCC (it always used to be quite relaxed on the R/T in the middle of the night in those days)
LATCC: Your route this morning is DET, LAM, BNN, DTY, WHI
ME: Roger. M20, M25, M1, M6 to Liverpool
LATCC (without a moment's pause): That's correct, your clearance limit is Knutsford Services.
On an ambulance flight into Alconbury, carrying doctor, nurse and an ice box containing a heart for transplant:
ALCONBURY: How many souls on board?
ME: Now, that's really a tough one!
Flying a Chieftan to "County Kerry International Airport":
CORK: Contact Kerry Tower on xxx.xx
several abortive attempts to call them, then back to Cork
ME: Cork, xxx123, unable to contact Kerry on xxx.xx, please confirm the frequency.
CORK: Standby, I'll call them on the landline.
..
CORK: xxx123, Try Kerry again on xxx.xx
ME: Kerry this is xxx123
KERRY (Strong Kerryman accent, very out of breath) xxx123, sorry about that, I was downstairs having me tea.
As I say, all these guaranteed true and happened to me.
W
Last edited by Timothy; 9th Jul 2003 at 06:40.
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Shed Humor
Guys the posts on the Shorts have cracked me up!
And that even being a Shed driver myselfe but i guess i'm usede to a lot considering the paint job my A/C has !
And this one happened to me last Feb on approach to Rome Ciampino with a RyanAir 737 behind :
APP: OE-FDE can keep your speed up, there is a 737 behind
me: Well i can give you 165 Knots to short final
Ryan Air without hesitation: He's lying approach
After landing we turn into our parking with the 737 passing and he says: See that poor Shed even got it's toung hanging out now!
wonders why
cheers
MB
And that even being a Shed driver myselfe but i guess i'm usede to a lot considering the paint job my A/C has !
And this one happened to me last Feb on approach to Rome Ciampino with a RyanAir 737 behind :
APP: OE-FDE can keep your speed up, there is a 737 behind
me: Well i can give you 165 Knots to short final
Ryan Air without hesitation: He's lying approach
After landing we turn into our parking with the 737 passing and he says: See that poor Shed even got it's toung hanging out now!
wonders why
cheers
MB
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