Good news kids, we've verified the authenticity of your Blue Peter badges, Girl Guides badges and Souts badges so you can all head off to war this afternoon.

I'm a practicing 10th dan back belt judo sensei and can take any man down will one, yes one swift move.

That's not what my dad says when he sees you on the news every evening Sir Putin.

Don't be shy, what career paths would you like in the military? Go on you first Sergei.

Don't really mind, OH not an Ammunition Technician as there's probably not much a future there sir.

"You will all fly on the magnificent Soviet An-225!'
"...err, comrade...*whispers*.."
"Der'mo...okay, then it'll be the pride of the fleet for you cadets! The Mockba!!!"
"...oh, umm, Comrade...*Whispers*.."
"Mat' unblyudok!!!! Okay, well then, we'll send you up to the Mir Space Station!!!"
"...sure..."

...and then I was in Fingerbobs - this is Fingermouse naked!

The President then entertained the cadets with the Trololo song...

For my personal protection Qski at the FSB has removed my hand and fitted a false arm with a Walter PPK ready installed

No no Dr Putin we don't require a Postrate Exam...
Oh go on humour me..

The President gives the crew a rousing speech before the Kursk sets off on its training jolly..
I wish I was going with you but work is work back in Sochi you know

I am also now fronting a popski group "Vladimir's People", we do patriotic numbers such as "Macho Man", "In the Army" and "NKVD"

Guess how many of you aren’t going to the Ukraine?

Apparently I'm obliged to give you a quick eye test before you drive our tanks, so here we go follow my finger.

Oh no m'dear your NOT going out on a Friday night dressed like that....
Many a dad has delegated that speech to the mum...

Owing to the price of gas going up the Kremlin turn off the heating to save money for the war* in Ukraine. However Putin does get to have 4 hot water bottles in his bed due to his ailments and age
* Special Operation

Which Lookalike are you? ?
No 1 obviously ...

" ...and for the next phase of spy school, I will explain the laws of leg before wicket."

Good, good, as army cadets you will be well-nourished and grow up tall and strong - just like me!

"Bob, Bob's an odd name for a girl isn't it private?"
"Oh Sir, please don't tell anyone, I have wanted to see a war fought, so badly.... "
"Well, you certainly came to the right place then Bob, a war hasn't been fought so badly since Olaf the Hairy ordered a thousand helmets with the horns on the inside..."

apologies towards BAGF.