I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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A rather pompous git (A) at CFS was expounding his views about foreign linguists. "Everyone should be able to speak at least one other languauge", he opined. Another mate (B) seizes his chance...
B: "So what other language do you speak to make that claim then, mate?"
A: "I was brought up in colonial Africa and can speak Zulu!"
B:"Goodness, how clever. OK - what's the Zulu for, aaah, 'river'?"
A: "Mbolo" (or whatever)
B: "Brave leopard?"
A: "Ndofi mwaza" (or whatever)
B: "Stupid ape?"
A: "Nugu ndabulu"
B: "Fascinating, mate. Guess from now one you're going to be known as Nugu!"
And 'Nugu' or 'Noogs' he became. He hated it!!
B: "So what other language do you speak to make that claim then, mate?"
A: "I was brought up in colonial Africa and can speak Zulu!"
B:"Goodness, how clever. OK - what's the Zulu for, aaah, 'river'?"
A: "Mbolo" (or whatever)
B: "Brave leopard?"
A: "Ndofi mwaza" (or whatever)
B: "Stupid ape?"
A: "Nugu ndabulu"
B: "Fascinating, mate. Guess from now one you're going to be known as Nugu!"
And 'Nugu' or 'Noogs' he became. He hated it!!
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South Armagh, Mid 90's
Been sat on the pad at XMG for far too long waiting for RUC to get on.
"Guns, tell Baldie to stop ar$ing about and sit down".
"Boss, the new Chief Constable sends his regards and says he's sitting down now"
(Sorry Ronnie)
Fermanagh, same period, part time Royal Irish
"Hello 30C this is Lynx 3, with you in 2 minutes for pick up"
Lynx 3 this is 30C, roger, are you a Lynx or a Wessex over"
Been sat on the pad at XMG for far too long waiting for RUC to get on.
"Guns, tell Baldie to stop ar$ing about and sit down".
"Boss, the new Chief Constable sends his regards and says he's sitting down now"
(Sorry Ronnie)
Fermanagh, same period, part time Royal Irish
"Hello 30C this is Lynx 3, with you in 2 minutes for pick up"
Lynx 3 this is 30C, roger, are you a Lynx or a Wessex over"
Guest
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one i heard having a few beers over christmas
twas in a land far away...hot and humid and full of the sort of insects that live in the jungle
problem...naffi kept getting broken into over night
solution....post a guard. So a local was recruited and detailed to spend the night inside.
0200 and normal people were having a last beer before settling down for the night when the peace was disturbed by loud screaming
it seems that the local guard (of the chop with the machetee first and ask questions later type) had been woken by someone climbing through a window and then running away screaming and minus a few fingers.
as the fingerless one was a young officer it was put down to "high spirits" and he was flown out the next day.
[This message has been edited by notarmy (edited 13 January 2001).]
[This message has been edited by notarmy (edited 13 January 2001).]
twas in a land far away...hot and humid and full of the sort of insects that live in the jungle
problem...naffi kept getting broken into over night
solution....post a guard. So a local was recruited and detailed to spend the night inside.
0200 and normal people were having a last beer before settling down for the night when the peace was disturbed by loud screaming
it seems that the local guard (of the chop with the machetee first and ask questions later type) had been woken by someone climbing through a window and then running away screaming and minus a few fingers.
as the fingerless one was a young officer it was put down to "high spirits" and he was flown out the next day.
[This message has been edited by notarmy (edited 13 January 2001).]
[This message has been edited by notarmy (edited 13 January 2001).]
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Scene: Northern Adriatic, summer 96 during Atlanta Olympics. E-3D crew RTB Aviano after the final trip of another Op Deny Fun deployment with AT home the next day.
Capt (known around the Sqn as a bit of a Knobber) giving the rest of the crew a somewhat unwelcome description of what he intended to do to his wife when he got home: 'You know, I'm so bloody horney at the moment that if there was an Olympic event for w@nking, I could win gold!'
Co: 'Yeah, but capt, only amateurs can enter the Olympics!!'
Capt (known around the Sqn as a bit of a Knobber) giving the rest of the crew a somewhat unwelcome description of what he intended to do to his wife when he got home: 'You know, I'm so bloody horney at the moment that if there was an Olympic event for w@nking, I could win gold!'
Co: 'Yeah, but capt, only amateurs can enter the Olympics!!'
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Many years ago, we were contracted to provide a helicopter for a small segment in a TV show.
The shooting went on many hours beyond schedule, as apparently the BBC crew had some overtime/bonus scheme that would kick in if it ran until late at night.
The helicopter pilot thus ended up with ample time to impress the birds with his stories of heroics and daring. He selected a couple of good looking make-up girls, to put the make on.
After telling one of the girls an extremely long winded story, she turned to her mate to recount a somewhat misinterpreted version of it; "Ere, Sharon. This bloke says he was in a plane crash and got trapped. Rather than get burned to death, he got the fireman to smash 'im in the head with his fire-axe!"
Sharon looks closely at our hero and say's "Christ, you'd never know it looking at him!"
They remained unbothered by our aircrew for the remainder of the night!
The shooting went on many hours beyond schedule, as apparently the BBC crew had some overtime/bonus scheme that would kick in if it ran until late at night.
The helicopter pilot thus ended up with ample time to impress the birds with his stories of heroics and daring. He selected a couple of good looking make-up girls, to put the make on.
After telling one of the girls an extremely long winded story, she turned to her mate to recount a somewhat misinterpreted version of it; "Ere, Sharon. This bloke says he was in a plane crash and got trapped. Rather than get burned to death, he got the fireman to smash 'im in the head with his fire-axe!"
Sharon looks closely at our hero and say's "Christ, you'd never know it looking at him!"
They remained unbothered by our aircrew for the remainder of the night!
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A while ago I was a pimply UAS stude on summer camp at a well known RAF base in Kent. One day myself and my instructor were on a very boring IF trip, the only thing keeping us awake was the voice of the controller. This was a bonny young female Fg Off straight out of ATC school and had one the most sexy RT voices you ever did hear. She was doing reasonable well vecoring us around when all of a sudden she got into a muddle with her left and rights. Just as I pressed the PTT switch to acknowledge the instrction my instructor shouted out
"GET THAT COCK OUT YA MOUTH LUV"
The airwaves were suddenly quiet for a while!!
"GET THAT COCK OUT YA MOUTH LUV"
The airwaves were suddenly quiet for a while!!
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Aussie exchange mate is wandering round a northern RAF base wearing his own nations uniform which from a distance is identical to an RAF one with the exception of a rather too-trendy baseball cap.
Said chap wanders past SHQ where the SWO spots what appears to be a British airman a baseball cap with his uniform.
SWO: "OI! YOU! WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ON YOUR BL**DIN@ 'EAD YOU LITTLE ****?!!!!!"
OZ MATE (in typically laid back Aussie drawl and well within five seconds)....
"It's a f***in' 'at, yer dimwit"
Said chap wanders past SHQ where the SWO spots what appears to be a British airman a baseball cap with his uniform.
SWO: "OI! YOU! WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ON YOUR BL**DIN@ 'EAD YOU LITTLE ****?!!!!!"
OZ MATE (in typically laid back Aussie drawl and well within five seconds)....
"It's a f***in' 'at, yer dimwit"
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After being dropped off near to SHQ by a mate, I got out of the car and before I had chance to get my hat off the seat, my mate drove off. Next thing, the SWO's office window flies open and this loud gargoyle engaged me in the following conversation:
SWO: "YOU! WHERE's YOUR HAT!!!
Me: "It's in me mate's car" (points in direction of departing vehicle).
SWO: "WELL IT SHOULD BE ON YOUR HEAD!!"
Me: "What? The car?"
SWO: "GIVE THE GUARDROOM STAFF MY COMPLIMENTS ON YOUR ARRIVAL!! DOUBLE AWAY!!"
Wasn't one of my better thought out responses.
SWO: "YOU! WHERE's YOUR HAT!!!
Me: "It's in me mate's car" (points in direction of departing vehicle).
SWO: "WELL IT SHOULD BE ON YOUR HEAD!!"
Me: "What? The car?"
SWO: "GIVE THE GUARDROOM STAFF MY COMPLIMENTS ON YOUR ARRIVAL!! DOUBLE AWAY!!"
Wasn't one of my better thought out responses.
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Middle Wallop, Students first instrument sortie in the good old Chipmunk.
ATC. " Roger Army Air XXX, you are downwind for a surveillance radar approach to Rwy 26, check your minima, missed approach point and report cockpit checks complete."
Student. "Roger, mixtures rich, Carb air is hot, fuel........"
ATC. " Roger Army Air XXX, you are downwind for a surveillance radar approach to Rwy 26, check your minima, missed approach point and report cockpit checks complete."
Student. "Roger, mixtures rich, Carb air is hot, fuel........"
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To keep this ball-bouncingly funny thread alive.....
In the 1980s, when East Anglia was base to numerous A10s, a USAF tanker would regular fly on Towline 6. There it would service a seemingly endless stream of A10 pairs and 4-ships 'Reno', 'Thunder', 'Rocky', 'Warthog' et al. One day a more unusual callsign checked in for AAR:
A10 Lead: "Asshole check."
A10 Wingman: "Two."
A10 Lead: "Neatishead, this is Asshole section, two A10s for Towline 6."
GCI: "Station calling Neatishead, confirm callsign?"
A10 Lead: "Asshole section, Sir."
GCI: "Say reason for callsign?"
A10 Lead: "We were late for the brief, Sir."
In the 1980s, when East Anglia was base to numerous A10s, a USAF tanker would regular fly on Towline 6. There it would service a seemingly endless stream of A10 pairs and 4-ships 'Reno', 'Thunder', 'Rocky', 'Warthog' et al. One day a more unusual callsign checked in for AAR:
A10 Lead: "Asshole check."
A10 Wingman: "Two."
A10 Lead: "Neatishead, this is Asshole section, two A10s for Towline 6."
GCI: "Station calling Neatishead, confirm callsign?"
A10 Lead: "Asshole section, Sir."
GCI: "Say reason for callsign?"
A10 Lead: "We were late for the brief, Sir."
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Early nineties, 30 Sqn Albert is tasked into Gutesloh for night stop. As it happened we had a GAF exchange officer, lets call him Hptm Hansel Greenwood, recently made up as Captain. Crew immediately thinks "we could be in for a good night" and tells the captain to sort out the restaurant and entertainment. This he duly does, and soon there is a happy crew in taxis ready to eat. Enter said restaurant, Captain to bar to sort out previously made booking....."Good eefenink, ve haf booked a table for sirteen in ze name hof Greenwood" Crew now fall about laughing and tell the Captain that he is now allowed to speak German if he wishes. Needless to say much fun was had at his expense afterwards, usual stuff crossing the coast "Capt, Loadie permission to test guns" and one enterprising engineer also made him a coming mounted gunsight out of a paper cup.
If you're reading this Hans, then I hope you're well, take care
If you're reading this Hans, then I hope you're well, take care
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The A-10 story has also reminded me of the F-111 crew who managed, while airborne, to forget their own callsign. Eastern Radar kindly allocated them a new callsign - "Stupid 1" - and they continued their sortie, a much chastened and humiliated pair of aviators!
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E-3D captain running through pre-flight checks on a currency flt after some weeks away:
'Christ, I feel well rusty. I've been away so long I've forgotten loads - what's this knob do here?!'
Voice from mission crew:
'He's the nav, captain!'
'Christ, I feel well rusty. I've been away so long I've forgotten loads - what's this knob do here?!'
Voice from mission crew:
'He's the nav, captain!'
Guest
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Back in the days of 'REAL' SAR cabs a Whirlwind 10 was swanning over the Thames estuary when the steely eyed crew spotted a yacht, apparantely marooned high and dry by the tide some miles off shore.
The ever helpful crew put the winchmen down on the deck to see if there is a crew aboard and if they are OK. No sign of life so the winchweight pops his head into the cabin where he is met by the sight of a couple lost to the outside world in bed practising being married.
Startled and somewhat interrupted they stare slightly agrieved at the winchman who some what lamely says:
"Sorry, just wondered if my chopper might be of any use!?
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If the suit fits.........