I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Los Angeles
Age: 71
Posts: 21
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My first posting, early seventies, was Tern Hill which had a very senior SMO; Wing Commander, if memory serves. Legend had it that he had been banished there for some terrible diplomatic faux-pas, which was quite believable as he seemed to be stark staring bonkers.
Anyway, friend of mine reported sick.
"Well what's the matter with you lad?"
"Can't sleep , sir"
"So go and hand your f
g bedding in. - Now fk off!"
Anyway, friend of mine reported sick.
"Well what's the matter with you lad?"
"Can't sleep , sir"
"So go and hand your f
g bedding in. - Now fk off!"
Things I wish I HAD said.........
Not RAF related, but amuses me..............
Police Officer goes into a house to take a statement on a ropey housing estate followed by the well known Police Dog breed, German Shephard.
During said statement, the German Shephard sniffs around until it it eventually arches it's back and has a dump in the corner of the room.
Nobody says anything.
When statement is completed, the Police Officer begins to leave when the house owner says 'Aren't you going to take your dog with you?'
'My dog?, I thought it was your dog...........................!'
Strange, but true.
Police Officer goes into a house to take a statement on a ropey housing estate followed by the well known Police Dog breed, German Shephard.
During said statement, the German Shephard sniffs around until it it eventually arches it's back and has a dump in the corner of the room.
Nobody says anything.
When statement is completed, the Police Officer begins to leave when the house owner says 'Aren't you going to take your dog with you?'
'My dog?, I thought it was your dog...........................!'
Strange, but true.
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Toulouse area, France
Age: 93
Posts: 435
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Telephone talk
At an airfield pretty close to the Iron Curtain, when 2TAF hadn't yet got an "A" after the "2", a bright but stressed young Fg.Off was Squadron Adj and very, very busy in his office next to the Boss's. The phone was ringing almost non-stop, and Charlie's paperwork was being seriously held up. Once again the bloody thing rang: "YES ???" "This is the AOC ..." "OH, For F***'s SAKE, JUST F*** OFF !!! shouts our Charlie and goes off to the crewroom for a coffee and a change of air. When he got back, the Boss called through to him "Chas, did you just say something rude to someone on the phone just now ?" ... "Well, yes sir - all these spoof calls are driving me crazy". "Ah well, He wants you to report to his office at 0900 in the morning" ...
At Gp HQ, Charlie is met by an ADC and told to take a seat - "The AOC will see you as soon as he's free". Group is clearly very, very busy, and Charlie stays there very quietly till he's told he can go off to lunch and be back by 1400. Which he does, and is.
The afternoon passes in similar fashion, till eventually Charlie is told the AOC would see him now. In the office, the Big Man is busy reading, annotating and "getting through" files. Eventually he folds the last file, looks up and says "Now you f*** off".
++++++++++++++++
Effectively ended the spoof call craze all over 2TAF ...
At Gp HQ, Charlie is met by an ADC and told to take a seat - "The AOC will see you as soon as he's free". Group is clearly very, very busy, and Charlie stays there very quietly till he's told he can go off to lunch and be back by 1400. Which he does, and is.
The afternoon passes in similar fashion, till eventually Charlie is told the AOC would see him now. In the office, the Big Man is busy reading, annotating and "getting through" files. Eventually he folds the last file, looks up and says "Now you f*** off".
++++++++++++++++
Effectively ended the spoof call craze all over 2TAF ...
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Jig, I believe it was the Abandoned Earl. I heard he started the conversation with "Who are you?" before ending with your statement 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
One morning, leaving the bogs and entering the hangar I passed the SEngO. Slightly nervously, I decided to simply report what I had recently achieved -
'Morning ****' - I explained
'Good Morning, Corporal' was his reply
'Morning ****' - I explained
'Good Morning, Corporal' was his reply
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Isle of Man
Age: 73
Posts: 183
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I DID say it and ...oh dear!
Caption competition in Station Magazine at a station somewhere in E Anglia. Photo is taken on our Open Day and shows slightly follically-challenged Wg Cdr Flying peering and pointing down GR1 intake. I decided to send my mate, the Editor, a jokey response ... "Yes, that's where my hairpiece went, madam!"
You guessed - the ba**ard went and printed it, with my name below! 
It was reliably informed that said Wg Cdr was incandescent but was prevailed upon to see the joke by the Staish! I avoided happy hour for a few weeks!
You guessed - the ba**ard went and printed it, with my name below! It was reliably informed that said Wg Cdr was incandescent but was prevailed upon to see the joke by the Staish! I avoided happy hour for a few weeks!
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Somewhere in Newfoundland flight planning. Nav looks around for the standard timepiece - no clock for a timecheck.
Calls Ops Clerk (they were in those days) and said he need a time check. After detailed explanations and instructions said clerk returns with small scrappy piece of paper bearing the numbers 0715.
"What's this?"
"Time check, Sir."
Clerk had obviously gone native; but he survived.
flight planning. Nav looks around for the standard timepiece - no clock for a timecheck.Calls Ops Clerk (they were in those days) and said he need a time check. After detailed explanations and instructions said clerk returns with small scrappy piece of paper bearing the numbers 0715.
"What's this?"
"Time check, Sir."
Clerk had obviously gone native; but he survived.
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Deepest Oxfordshire
Posts: 230
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
The scene: BAOR, many years ago now...
An AAC Sgt pilot and his Cpl crewman are tasked to pick up a senior bod. The task involves flying their helo to a certain grid reference and then telephoning to advise said senior bod of their arrival, whereupon he would embark in the helo and be taken to wherever it was he was meant to be going.
So off they go.
On arrival, the grid reference turns out to be that of a parade square. This is not unusual for BAOR AAC crews, except that in this case there is a parade in progress on it at the time. However, orders being orders, the Sgt pilot brings his helo into a hover over the square, lower and lower until the penny drops (due to the rapidly diminishing count of headgear being worn in the regulation manner) and the serried ranks scatter to the periphery in disarray.
The helo duly touches down in the centre of the square, and the crewman hops out, rotors turning, and legs it to the adjacent guardroom to make the phone call.
A couple of minutes later, the crewman reappears, ashen-faced. "Let's get out of here, Sarge", he says grimly.
'Sarge', naturally, is curious. "Why, what's up?" he asks, not unreasonably.
"We've just landed at the phone number and I've just tried to phone the grid reference", was the crewman's reply.
Gadget
An AAC Sgt pilot and his Cpl crewman are tasked to pick up a senior bod. The task involves flying their helo to a certain grid reference and then telephoning to advise said senior bod of their arrival, whereupon he would embark in the helo and be taken to wherever it was he was meant to be going.
So off they go.
On arrival, the grid reference turns out to be that of a parade square. This is not unusual for BAOR AAC crews, except that in this case there is a parade in progress on it at the time. However, orders being orders, the Sgt pilot brings his helo into a hover over the square, lower and lower until the penny drops (due to the rapidly diminishing count of headgear being worn in the regulation manner) and the serried ranks scatter to the periphery in disarray.
The helo duly touches down in the centre of the square, and the crewman hops out, rotors turning, and legs it to the adjacent guardroom to make the phone call.
A couple of minutes later, the crewman reappears, ashen-faced. "Let's get out of here, Sarge", he says grimly.
'Sarge', naturally, is curious. "Why, what's up?" he asks, not unreasonably.
"We've just landed at the phone number and I've just tried to phone the grid reference", was the crewman's reply.
Gadget
More 1960s stuff
Germany in the 60s. Visiting Army Officer being shown round a Canberra by a very new Flying Officer. VAO not impressed as his reply to the proud statement.. "And THIS is the cockpit" was...."and that's where your dwiver sits?"
Again 1960s Very early in this thread someone mentioned female controllers and grey areas. I think they also called it a dark area as I recall a female controller at, I think, Buchan was heard telling a pilot he was entering her dark area. " I'll try to be gentle" was his reply.
This may just have been 60's humour with no basis in fact but it was said that a senior army officer wrote the following 2 annual reports:-
This officer is brave enough to have led the Charge of the Light Brigade and foolish enough to have ordered it!
I would hesitate to breed from this officer!
Again 1960s Very early in this thread someone mentioned female controllers and grey areas. I think they also called it a dark area as I recall a female controller at, I think, Buchan was heard telling a pilot he was entering her dark area. " I'll try to be gentle" was his reply.
This may just have been 60's humour with no basis in fact but it was said that a senior army officer wrote the following 2 annual reports:-
This officer is brave enough to have led the Charge of the Light Brigade and foolish enough to have ordered it!
I would hesitate to breed from this officer!
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Toulouse area, France
Age: 93
Posts: 435
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
@ Pontius Nav
You're right, Pontius - I reckoned it could have been none other than the Earl himself, but hesitated to put down as "fact" what I seemed to remember from that day (and, no, "charlie" wasn't me, though we were on the same squadron).
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Caythorpe Lincolnshire
Age: 83
Posts: 14
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Roller Hockey
Yorkshire FTS early seventies. Wonderful collection of very pretty WRAFs around the station, particularly in the tower. Being gentlemen! One started to socialise and great fun they were too! But the 'powers that be' got wind of the arrangement, and we were all called into the briefing room for a b@ll@cking from the Wing Commander Flying/Ops,about how fraterniizing with the lower ranks was "bad for morale, and conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline" and told us to desist.
However we soon got around that problem by starting a roller hockey league. Of course the girls had their own team and after the matches the teams adjourned to the nearest pub for the post game beer and 'sarnies'! This was considered quite within the rules and according to the Station Commander was excellent for "morale good order and discipline!"
Sadly the Wing Commander Flying/Ops did not last long as he was caught improving his 'morale, good order and discipline' with his very pretty secretary across his office desk, and was invited to leave the station within twelve hours.
Happy days
However we soon got around that problem by starting a roller hockey league. Of course the girls had their own team and after the matches the teams adjourned to the nearest pub for the post game beer and 'sarnies'! This was considered quite within the rules and according to the Station Commander was excellent for "morale good order and discipline!"
Sadly the Wing Commander Flying/Ops did not last long as he was caught improving his 'morale, good order and discipline' with his very pretty secretary across his office desk, and was invited to leave the station within twelve hours.
Happy days
Last edited by Thunderguts; 3rd Nov 2009 at 11:03.
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: HON121º/14 NM
Posts: 664
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Tango and MLC: Sorry chaps but I was at Dartmouth in 1986, and I could swear it happened then. I am sure if we search hard enough we can find some claimant for every year since 1805!
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Toulouse area, France
Age: 93
Posts: 435
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Captain's call ...
On an early Victor 1 trans-Atlantic trip to Goose Bay, the two of us up front had done all those things one does , like taking turns to fly the aeroplane, eat the so-tasty in-flight rations, look at the layers of solid cloud down below, do the necessary with fuel tank switching and so on. It still seemed a very, very long day was still dragging on, and on, and on ...
The boss seemed to have got a severe case of "Martin Baker bum". "Plotter ... where are we now ?"
" XXYYZZ North, ZZYYXX West, Sir".
"Thanks for that, but I didn't want to know our position, I asked 'where are we' ".
"About 150 miles south-west of Greenland" * came the answer.
"Thank goodness, there'll be something for us up here to do in about half an hour, right?"
*or wherever ...
The boss seemed to have got a severe case of "Martin Baker bum". "Plotter ... where are we now ?"
" XXYYZZ North, ZZYYXX West, Sir".
"Thanks for that, but I didn't want to know our position, I asked 'where are we' ".
"About 150 miles south-west of Greenland" * came the answer.
"Thank goodness, there'll be something for us up here to do in about half an hour, right?"
*or wherever ...
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Los Angeles
Age: 71
Posts: 21
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
On arrival at Strike Command at High Wycombe, late seventies, I endeavoured to book a haircut.
Being somewhat slow on the uptake, I could not understand why every time I tried to ring the station barber, the phone was answered by "The Chief of the Air Staff".
Being somewhat slow on the uptake, I could not understand why every time I tried to ring the station barber, the phone was answered by "The Chief of the Air Staff".
This is another Police story but I like it:
The Chief Constable decided he wanted to get a first hand perspective on what his officers were faced with on a daily basis, so went on patrol with a young constable. They were driving round the local housing estate when they spotted trouble erupting between gangs of youths.
The young constable headed towards the scene and asked the CC to call for backup. The CC grabs the radio microphone, quickly scans the patrol car's dashboard for the call sign and spotting a small piece of Dymo tape, keys the mic:
"Foxtrot 30, Romeo 32, requesting immediate backup"
"Er, Sir" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures"
The Chief Constable decided he wanted to get a first hand perspective on what his officers were faced with on a daily basis, so went on patrol with a young constable. They were driving round the local housing estate when they spotted trouble erupting between gangs of youths.
The young constable headed towards the scene and asked the CC to call for backup. The CC grabs the radio microphone, quickly scans the patrol car's dashboard for the call sign and spotting a small piece of Dymo tape, keys the mic:
"Foxtrot 30, Romeo 32, requesting immediate backup"
"Er, Sir" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures"
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Hotel this week, hotel next week, home whenever...
Posts: 1,492
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
RAF Catterick, early 80's.
Baby Rock Officer heard being extremely enthusiastic about the clarity of his service issue timepiece......"These are so clear and easy to read that you just have to glance at it to see the time...."
Oh how we all laughed when heard that he turned up for work an hour early the very next day!
Baby Rock Officer heard being extremely enthusiastic about the clarity of his service issue timepiece......"These are so clear and easy to read that you just have to glance at it to see the time...."
Oh how we all laughed when heard that he turned up for work an hour early the very next day!
Zotov
When Dmitri Zotov was at Ballykelly in the early-mid Fifties he was known as "Zot" because no one thought could think of calling him"Dim",which he never was.
Last edited by Ben L; 30th Dec 2009 at 19:40. Reason: grammar
The following users liked this post:
Joe Kmiecik
This is a story that was current when I was at Northolt just after Joe retired in the late70s -early 80s.
One of our chores on 207 in those days was to take senior officers on day staff visits to East Anglian bases and hang around for five or six hours until they were ready to come back. On one such trip,Joe and his nav went into lunch and went to pay the WRAF stewardess as they left the dining room.The girl asked Joe his surname, he said Kmiecik and she asked him how he spelt it .He said "It's hard". She wrote out a receipt for Flt Lt HARD!!
Joe died in an accident at his homeinSpain a few years after he left the RAF. The story of his escapen from Russia as a boy of 17 is told in his book "A Boy in the Gulag" published in 1983 and available from Amazon
One of our chores on 207 in those days was to take senior officers on day staff visits to East Anglian bases and hang around for five or six hours until they were ready to come back. On one such trip,Joe and his nav went into lunch and went to pay the WRAF stewardess as they left the dining room.The girl asked Joe his surname, he said Kmiecik and she asked him how he spelt it .He said "It's hard". She wrote out a receipt for Flt Lt HARD!!
Joe died in an accident at his homeinSpain a few years after he left the RAF. The story of his escapen from Russia as a boy of 17 is told in his book "A Boy in the Gulag" published in 1983 and available from Amazon
Last edited by Ben L; 30th Dec 2009 at 19:41. Reason: Additional material
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Another one about the Abandoned Earl.
In the olden days it was customary for the barman to ask the senior officer in the Mess for permission to shut the bar. Traditionally this was usually a permanent staff member although a visiting officer on duty is also a full member.
There was a raucous party in the corner of the bar and they told the barman to stay open.
The senior officer came over and said words the the effect that he was Sqn Ldr Sir Humphrey Whatever and he was ordering the bar closed, whereupon he was countered with "I am a Wg Cdr and an Earl. I trump you on both counts, now go to bed."
In the olden days it was customary for the barman to ask the senior officer in the Mess for permission to shut the bar. Traditionally this was usually a permanent staff member although a visiting officer on duty is also a full member.
There was a raucous party in the corner of the bar and they told the barman to stay open.
The senior officer came over and said words the the effect that he was Sqn Ldr Sir Humphrey Whatever and he was ordering the bar closed, whereupon he was countered with "I am a Wg Cdr and an Earl. I trump you on both counts, now go to bed."