I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...

[PingDit]

Young Fg Off

Venue - Ascension Island - Nimrod crew during Falklands campaign.
Previous night, we'd invited our first nav into the 'knockers' accomodation to play some shoot pontoon. After around 2 hours, he had no money left. Following night, he sends round the young second nav (Fg Off - now a 2*). Took him for everything his wallet contained.
Next morning, crew walking out to the jet:
1st Nav: "Gentlemen....I'd just like to congratulate you....
Us: "Sir?....."
1st Nav: " Yesterday I sent you a young boy and today you sent me back a broken man. Very well done!"

[BentStick]

F-111 techo in the flight line office chipped about his expanding waistline heard to reply "Not my fault, it's the crap food we get fed on all these deployments. Every time I go away I come back fatter".

New nickname - "backfatter".

[Dundiggin']

Way back in the Empirical days of long unaccompanied tours in the Indian Army, a General and his loyal and long time Cpl batman (Jones) were demobbed following the disbandment of the Indian Army.

Both returned to Blighty and went their separate ways. Whilst the General retired happily with his wife, Cpl Jones was having a hard time finding a job.

One Saturday morning ex-Cpl Jones was out shopping in the village and to his great surprise he spotted the ex-General walking towards him on the footpath.

'Hello Sir!' The General looked up. 'Hello Jones fancy seeing you again. How are you?' 'Pretty bad Sir, I can't find a job and I'm broke' said Jones.
The General thought and said 'You know Jones I've really missed you after all those years together in India. How would you like a job as my batman here in England? I'll pay you a good rate and I'd want exactly the same service you gave me in India. I should like it if you could start first thing tomorrow with morning tea. How about it Jones?'. Well! Jones was beside himself with joy. 'Certainly Sir, thank you Sir. I'll see you tomorrow then'.

The following morning Jones went excitedly to the General's house, same procedure as in India. Made him a cup of tea, placed the newspaper and biscuits on a tray and took them upstairs to the General's bedroom. He entered the bedroom, noticed the General as usual was accompanied in bed. Jones pulled back the curtains and said 'Good morning General, it's a lovely morning, the sun's shining the birds are singing and here is your cup of tea'. 'Thank you Jones' said the sleepy General.

With that Jones went round the other side of the bed, pulled back the bedclothes from the General's wife, turned her over onto her stomach, slapped her backside and said 'Come on dear, back to the village!'.

[BentStick]

RAAF Base in NW Australia, air defence exercise with F-111s running as rent-a-threat. Pig crew settling into cockpit after walk around, very experienced USAF driver, shiny new Aussie Nav. Driver takes out 45 and places it on the glare shield explaining, “this is for boggies who get me lost. Nav quietly draws own plastic 9mm and places it beside pilot’s cannon explaining, “frankly sir, I’ll know I’m lost before you will”

[ILoadMyself]

Prompted by Jimmenycricket (Page 26 - 7 December 2004)

URL referred to reads:

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[BrianN1]

Humour Dried Up?

Is it possible that the inexhausted supply of stories has dried up? I have been checking this thread regularly and there has been nothing new since July and here we are in almost September. The McDonnell Douglas customer satisfaction survey is hard to follow, though.

However, at the risk of all manner of accusations of political incorrectness....

Another one from the airfield near the Meile factory in Germany:
Late at night in January many moons ago, cloud base 1500 feet, solid above, vis not so good below.
A/c, "G****h Zone dis a I****. I about-a-fif-a-teen miles a-north-a-east eading a-east at a thousand-a-five undred-a-feet. Request-a da eading for a-Bielefeld".
Zone Controller (well known for his perfectly enunciated R/T English), "Roger I****". Nothing else in the sky at that time but Zone acutely aware of ridge of hills to the north east and solitary slow-moving blip heading straight for them, "I****, for identification turn right thirty degrees" (No SSR in those days. Does anyone remember the AR1?).
A/c, "G****, my a English a-not so good.. Say again".
Zone, as blip which must be the aircraft continues heading east, straight for the ridge, "I****, I believe I have you identified, to confirm identification and to avoid high ground turn right thirty degrees".
Aircraft continuing resoloutly towards the high ground, "Er, G****h, say again".
Zone, abandoning perfectly enunciated R/T English, doing a Fawlty Towers, 'Manuel' impersonation, "A-I****, dis a-G**** Zone. Turn a-right a-eading a-one-a-three-a-zero!"
A/c immediately replies, "Okay G*** Zone. I turn a-right a-eading a-one-a-three-a-zero!"
Potential catastrophy averted.

[Safeware]

Sue wished I hadn't said that.

Leuchars, mid 90s, Nasty Nige is the Staish.

Waiting for morning brief in the COC, with a number of JOs standing in for their boss, including me and OC SCAF (Sue). Sue is sitting on a metal framed chair, gently rocking back and forward. I decided to inform her of a bit of trivia that my sister, a Psychie nurse, told me.

"Sue, did you you know that rocking is the most basic form of masturbation?" At this point a) Sue disolves in a fit of giggles and b) Nasty Nige enters the room, spies Sue and frowns, somewhat unimpressed at the JOs in the back row.

sw

[Airborne Aircrew]

Not me, but a good friend back then, (1980ish), we called Badger...

We've been out on the razz in Gut and have left the Gasthaus and are waiting at the Schnellie... In front of us in the queue is a very large, very hairy bearded gent and his lady friend... The lady was quite nice but the guy was sufficiently large that I'm sure the two of us would not have faired well against him. After waiting for what seemed like forever Badger pipes up:-

Jeezus F$cking Christ... Still three more ahead before this porkie f$cking hippy b@stard... I thought these f$cking krauts were supposed to be efficient...

Large hairy gentleman turned around and in a beautiful London accent says:-

I was even bigger before... Caaant...

As much as I wanted to laugh my ass off I daren't in case he though I was laughing at him...

[bowly]

A late entry from Moggiee, circa 2007:

"Is it just me or are some of the condolences threads on this forum turning into "cheesiest post" contests? "

[dwhcomputers]

I really wish I hadnt said that

At Gut on exercise from UK in the 80s in charge of MT receive a thorough briefing before leaving from SENGO on who may keep their L/R out overnight after previous problems on last years detachment. First two nights fail to find one particular Rover but always there the next day but everybody denying knowledge on who is using it. Third night find it at gone midnight with warm engine behind officers mess. Obviously I have the spare keys and we return it back to MT Park at far side of airfield. Decide to have a late start next morning and on arriving at section informed that S/Ldr ????? the exercise author has blown his top and wishes to see me in Ops as soon as I arrive. After having a mug of tea stroll down to Ops to find several of the junior pilots crease up with laughter when they see me arrive. It seems that S/Ldr ????? is not the most popular pilot on the Sqn and had come running out of the mess at 07.25 for the 07:30 brief to find no L/R consequently arrives at briefing 20 mins late and everybody sat there waiting for him. After an exchange of views with said S/Ldr return to section. Later that day we receive a request to collect said S/Ldr from another airfield it seems that afternoon whilst on a flight a rather large bird decides to commit suicide by attacking his canopy with the result that a large portion of MDC becomes a necklace and he has to make an emergency landing.
At the end of the exercise p***-up in one of the HAS having a chat with SENGO (who by the way was a brilliant chap) talking about the original problem I say those fatal words VODOO PINS DO WORK THEN not knowing that directly behind me stood S/Ldr ?????. End result a hat on interview with OC Eng on return to UK.

[dagenham]

civvy life example, in a presentation on a crisis manamgent to senior managment....finished presentation. Top guy asks great presentation dagenham seen you have covered all angles etc. is there anything we could do to beat the situation or save money....

Was a little bit pissed off as situation was his making and replied that I could insert brooms up everyone's A*ses so that as they ran around they could sweep the floor as well and we could sack the cleaners....

cue quiet room and phone call for taxi....

Luckily saw the funny side

[Fareastdriver]

It's an old one, but:
There was this ancient SATCO who lived in the Officer’s Mess. It was a quiet night and he was alone in the bar reminiscing on his fiftieth birthday when his gorgeous Fg Off local controller came in. They had a few drinks and chatted away and he felt quite flattered that she was paying him so much attention. Eventually they had had enough and being a gentleman he escorted her back to her room. Half way there she asked him to take her to his room as she had a big surprise for him. He couldn’t believe his luck, he knew that all the jet jocks had tried to get across her and had all failed miserably.
Being a senior officer he had a suite and when they went into the sitting room she told him to wait while she got ready in the bedroom and in she went. Almost beside himself he decided to get ready for action and stripped himself down to his shreddies.
The bedroom door cracked and she cooed that she was ready and he charged in. There was the whole of Air Traffic standing around a birthday cake singing.
“Happy Birthday to You.”
OK. get coat, Taxi?

[AR1]

Does anyone remember the AR1?

strangely enough....YES!

[RudolphHucker]

Aircrew Training - Finningley circa 1977

Comms exercise with staff doing their usual -put the studes under pressure routine. Authentication tables were not available that day so we were told to just make it up as we went along.

One particular stude who was feeling the heat..........

Authenticate.....em......Indigo Lilo

Swiched on instructor.....

I Authenticate .... Oswat

Entire course collapsed in fits of laughter

[Master Mariner]

Almost wet myself a few weeks back receiving a dull email from our very dull Sahkalin (Russia) Office, which went something like this

''Blaah Blaah Blahhh Blaaah Blaaah
Kind Regards
Nastia Legkova''

Class name....kept a bunch of very bored sailors in stitches for a good 1/2 hour I bet she wishes she doesn't have to telephone 'Brit Seamen' very often........

[BrianN1]

Both apocraphal (is that how you spell it?) but alledgedly there was the USAF Ops guy from Bentwaters callled Hugh Janus and he had an opposite number at Mildenhall called Richard Scratcher.

[Spam_UK]

I knew a Christopher Peter Bacon.... Chris P Bacon. Parents must have hated him!

[Master Mariner]

Before I went all merchant, I used to be a mighty Midshipman be in one of the URNU's....(University Royal Navy Unit) based somewhere in the North West. The idea being that us said students would be the 'movers and shakers' of society further down the road and a fair few would join the RN (as well as enjoying cheap pi%%)

The CO and ship's company of our mighty 20 metre plastic ''warship'' were regular RN and the Students were Hon Mids in the RNR. The Boss was a 2 1/2 trying to make a name for himself and quite obnoxious...lets call him Lt Cdr Jockstrap.

On one of our annual ''deployments'' around the Western Isles of Scotland (the mission being to visit as many pubs as possible in 10 days).
Alongside at the Kyles of Lochalsh, one of our illustrious number steps on a (not very robust) fuel line and cracks it while doing rounds at night. Unfortunately said Mid doesn't notice the tide of diesel flooding the bilge overnight.

Next morning MEO notices that there is bugger all fuel in the tanks and then looks down at the black lake in the engine room.......oooops.

Fuel pipe was Kaput so MEO phones Rosyth Navy base for a new pipe to be made. ''No probs we will send it in an hour or two.''

We wait and wait and eventually 13 hours later the CO phones Rosyth again....to be told ''yes sir delivered that part 6 hours ago personally''.

CO was slightly confused.....

Amplification required...
BOSS: 'so where exactly did you deliver the pipe to?'
Sailor: 'To your ship Sir'
Boss: 'Aha and where was the ship on the jetty?'
Sailor: 'Well Sir it was the big grey one on the end...(duuuuhhhh)'
Boss: That wouldnt have been a Saudi Minehunter by any chance would it?
Sailor: 'Dunno Sir....it was grey - delivered the part to a sailor on the gangway and drove home. Why...some kind of problem?'

Turns out the tide was out (7m rise and fall) and this intrepid sailor couldnt see our 'ship' as the mast was only at jetty level. He saw the big Saudi boat and gave the part to them. They said ....eerrrgg thanks and promptly sailed.......

They probably still have the part and wonder what the hell it was for

One very peeed off boss who misses his golf tournament.....hohohoho

[ACW599]

>I knew a Christopher Peter Bacon.... Chris P Bacon. Parents must have hated him!<

I briefly worked with a statuesque lady whose name was Ophelia Titty.

[teeteringhead]

Knew an Army pilot once called Sean Lambe.......