I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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Red3 reminds me of a story I heard second-hand (but it bears repeating).
The former MP Dame Janet Fookes was given an air experience flight in a Nimrod to help inform her membership of the House of Commons Defence Committee. Much sniggering about the good lady's name from the young siggies during the pre-planning stage led the Captain to order that her name was not to be mentioned at any stage lest the crew disgrace themselves. All was going well until the aircraft commenced a demonstration of anti-submarine warfare techniques; the pungent mixture of Nimrod smells coupled with the aircraft's violent manoeuvring at low level had a predictable effect on the MP who had to retire for a lie down, accompanied by a collection of air-sick bags. Cue the following intercom call: "Captain from Third Dry - the lady whose name we can't mention: she's tits-up in the galley!"
The former MP Dame Janet Fookes was given an air experience flight in a Nimrod to help inform her membership of the House of Commons Defence Committee. Much sniggering about the good lady's name from the young siggies during the pre-planning stage led the Captain to order that her name was not to be mentioned at any stage lest the crew disgrace themselves. All was going well until the aircraft commenced a demonstration of anti-submarine warfare techniques; the pungent mixture of Nimrod smells coupled with the aircraft's violent manoeuvring at low level had a predictable effect on the MP who had to retire for a lie down, accompanied by a collection of air-sick bags. Cue the following intercom call: "Captain from Third Dry - the lady whose name we can't mention: she's tits-up in the galley!"
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Many years ago at a funeral of a colleague (an only son).
We were all in our best blues in a line outside the crematorium.
When his mother came down the line to thank all of us one-by-one for attending, she stood in front of me and said "Thank you for coming, I did not know Kevin had so many friends".
Without thinking I replied " Oh that's alright, anytime"
If in doubt BANG OUT.
We were all in our best blues in a line outside the crematorium.
When his mother came down the line to thank all of us one-by-one for attending, she stood in front of me and said "Thank you for coming, I did not know Kevin had so many friends".
Without thinking I replied " Oh that's alright, anytime"
If in doubt BANG OUT.
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Speedbird
Sitting on Basra Approach couple of years back: BA pilot in his finest posh english accent calls me
"Basra Radar Speeedbird 123"
"Speedbird 123 Basra Approach pass message"
"Could we possibly have the score in the cricket match ?"(something called the Ashes)
In my finest Scottish accent " Do I sound like someone who would be interested in cricket?"
"eehh Basra Approach sorry to bother you Speedbird 123"
Its ok I did tell him eventually!!
Not as much fun as when in Ops in the old days with ASMA terminals and RN ships around the world asking you for footie scores, I know some terrible people who used to give them completely the wrong scores! Very cruel !
NM
"Basra Radar Speeedbird 123"
"Speedbird 123 Basra Approach pass message"
"Could we possibly have the score in the cricket match ?"(something called the Ashes)
In my finest Scottish accent " Do I sound like someone who would be interested in cricket?"
"eehh Basra Approach sorry to bother you Speedbird 123"
Its ok I did tell him eventually!!
Not as much fun as when in Ops in the old days with ASMA terminals and RN ships around the world asking you for footie scores, I know some terrible people who used to give them completely the wrong scores! Very cruel !
NM
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Lossie engine bay, mod rep and my chief is giving the bigwigs the spiel on what we do etc etc, as they are looking over a module 10 shaft bigwig spots the four cutouts in the front of the shaft, you know the ones by the phonic wheel and asks what they are for. The stumped chief smiles and says, oh they are oilways to allow the oil to pass. Could I resist correcting him in front of everyone?
0800 next morning bosses office hat, shiny shoes, stood to attention and no coffee.
I was never in the bay for any more visits and left secure in the knowledge that my job was done.
0800 next morning bosses office hat, shiny shoes, stood to attention and no coffee.
I was never in the bay for any more visits and left secure in the knowledge that my job was done.
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PC
Fairly recent one....
Happy hour RAF XXXX offs' mess. Group of XX Sqn aircrew drinking, among them one of the first openly gay aircrew, not drinking that night. Boss arrives in 'hail fellow well met' mode and attempts to press a drink on everyone. First time round the 'good with colours' lad says "No thank you sir", "go on, have a beer" says the boss after noting the rest of the round. "No, I'm OK" he replies. Boss "Go on, don't be a poo.....don't be like that...."
Happy hour RAF XXXX offs' mess. Group of XX Sqn aircrew drinking, among them one of the first openly gay aircrew, not drinking that night. Boss arrives in 'hail fellow well met' mode and attempts to press a drink on everyone. First time round the 'good with colours' lad says "No thank you sir", "go on, have a beer" says the boss after noting the rest of the round. "No, I'm OK" he replies. Boss "Go on, don't be a poo.....don't be like that...."
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I heard this story from a bloke in the mess bar, so can't vouch how true it is.
There was a base down south that had some FJ and Mutli guys, the FJ guys were always giving the Mutli guys stick about not being the 'elite' (this is the words said to me not my opinion).
The Annual Dinning in Night came about and the Multi guys decided to get their own back, throughout the night there was teasing during each other speeches, where the Multi guys took out a huge saw and proceeded to cut their table in half.
The FJ guys thought hold on a second we're not letting these guys go one better so they took the saw and cut their table in half.
The next morning the FJ guys are all called into the Station's Office, given a huge bollocking and told they would pay to have the Mess table replaced.
The FJ guys were a bit confused/ annoyed that the Multi guys weren’t too getting a bollocking and enquired into this, to find out that the Multi guys had previous to the night beginning swapped the table they were sitting at with an old second hand one out the local scrap yard.
N.B. If you were there that night and can give the real account, please P.M me as it would be great to know how much this story has grown arms and legs before arriving at me.
There was a base down south that had some FJ and Mutli guys, the FJ guys were always giving the Mutli guys stick about not being the 'elite' (this is the words said to me not my opinion).
The Annual Dinning in Night came about and the Multi guys decided to get their own back, throughout the night there was teasing during each other speeches, where the Multi guys took out a huge saw and proceeded to cut their table in half.
The FJ guys thought hold on a second we're not letting these guys go one better so they took the saw and cut their table in half.
The next morning the FJ guys are all called into the Station's Office, given a huge bollocking and told they would pay to have the Mess table replaced.
The FJ guys were a bit confused/ annoyed that the Multi guys weren’t too getting a bollocking and enquired into this, to find out that the Multi guys had previous to the night beginning swapped the table they were sitting at with an old second hand one out the local scrap yard.
N.B. If you were there that night and can give the real account, please P.M me as it would be great to know how much this story has grown arms and legs before arriving at me.
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Snoopy
I wasn't there at the time, but I first heard this story as being at ALD and involving 72 Sqn and 230 Sqn with a 2nd hand table bought at Nutts Corner market.
Can't remember which of the 2 were the amateur furniture restorers who got the upper hand.
I wasn't there at the time, but I first heard this story as being at ALD and involving 72 Sqn and 230 Sqn with a 2nd hand table bought at Nutts Corner market.
Can't remember which of the 2 were the amateur furniture restorers who got the upper hand.
From what others have told me, this is a pretty accurate account given by 'Jensen' in the famous PPRuNe '1 Gp Dining-In Night at Waddington' thread of a few years ago:
I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this Dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at Dining-in nights.
On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better.
Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces.
After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.
Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”
I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this Dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at Dining-in nights.
On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better.
Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces.
After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.
Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”
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I wish I hadn't said that
A few funnies(?), not necessarily to do with aviation.
Heard somewhere over southern England.
ATC controller to American aircraft. “QNH 1003, descend to 4000 feet.”
American aircraft, “Can I have that in inches please?”
ATC controlle.r “Certainly. QNH 1003. Descend to 48000 inches.”
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Overheard on the Cranfield approach frequency one busy summer’s day.
“Cranfield, this GABCD following the M1 from Luton to Birmingham.”
Cranfield ATC controller. “GABCD be advised that the M1 does not go to Birmingham.”
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Q. What’s the difference between a hedgehog and an aeroplane full MPs?
A. The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside
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Man enters a restaurant, sits down and studies the menu for a while. Very pretty waitress approaches and asks if he is ready to order. “Yes please,” he says, “I’d like a quickie.” Waitress gets very angry and shouts at him along the lines of “This is not that sort of establishment – What sort of girl do you think I am etc.” Eventually she calms down enough to ask him again what he would like. Once again the man asks for a quickie. At this the waitress storms off to get the manager.
A man at the next table leans over to the embarrassed guy and says “I think you will find that it should be pronounced quiche.”
Heard somewhere over southern England.
ATC controller to American aircraft. “QNH 1003, descend to 4000 feet.”
American aircraft, “Can I have that in inches please?”
ATC controlle.r “Certainly. QNH 1003. Descend to 48000 inches.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard on the Cranfield approach frequency one busy summer’s day.
“Cranfield, this GABCD following the M1 from Luton to Birmingham.”
Cranfield ATC controller. “GABCD be advised that the M1 does not go to Birmingham.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What’s the difference between a hedgehog and an aeroplane full MPs?
A. The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man enters a restaurant, sits down and studies the menu for a while. Very pretty waitress approaches and asks if he is ready to order. “Yes please,” he says, “I’d like a quickie.” Waitress gets very angry and shouts at him along the lines of “This is not that sort of establishment – What sort of girl do you think I am etc.” Eventually she calms down enough to ask him again what he would like. Once again the man asks for a quickie. At this the waitress storms off to get the manager.
A man at the next table leans over to the embarrassed guy and says “I think you will find that it should be pronounced quiche.”
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Wish I hadn't said that
Flap62,
No, not in a Cessna, but in a former life while in the military. Maybe I missed the point of this thread, but the impression I got that it was supposed to be humorous anecdotes/stories/jokes etc. Admittedly they should be about aviation matters, but a look though the entire thread will reveal many instances of submissions that have no bearing or relevance to aviation matters. Whether or not a joke is funny/not funny/in poor taste/out of place/irrelevant etc is surely up to the opinion of whoever reads it. While I can respect your view that my offerings may or may not be humorous, may I suggest that we leave it up to the moderators to decide what is or is not admissable. May I also suggest that we do not drag a great thread down by entering a slanging match. I will be more than happy to receive any PMs you may wish to send me.
Regards
M1.1
No, not in a Cessna, but in a former life while in the military. Maybe I missed the point of this thread, but the impression I got that it was supposed to be humorous anecdotes/stories/jokes etc. Admittedly they should be about aviation matters, but a look though the entire thread will reveal many instances of submissions that have no bearing or relevance to aviation matters. Whether or not a joke is funny/not funny/in poor taste/out of place/irrelevant etc is surely up to the opinion of whoever reads it. While I can respect your view that my offerings may or may not be humorous, may I suggest that we leave it up to the moderators to decide what is or is not admissable. May I also suggest that we do not drag a great thread down by entering a slanging match. I will be more than happy to receive any PMs you may wish to send me.
Regards
M1.1
An air show, at a Station with no runway, just off the M5, whose mascot was a donkey off the beach, who held a higher rank at the time than I did. (But i'm not bitter)
A course of further trainees was on crowd control, and at the allotted time would swap with another course who were on standby as crash guard.
Making our way back for changeover , when the AutoGyro clatters into view.
"that looks dodgy" came a chorus of views from the gathered airmen. Autogyro comes past doing the 'hands off' routine - more comments about the airworthiness of Autogyros.
"Not at all" I interject. And proceed with my best explanation of the techniques of autogyrofication, and ending with "so you see, they cant really crash" - I wish I hadn't said that.
We'd just got through the doors of the rest room when the crash alarm went off. Tannoyed as "Autogyro 1POB grid ref xxxx"
So we legs it out, but the guy has come down between us and the M5, and theres a 12 ft fence and no crash gate and no wire cutters, anyway, we eventually got over, the whole thing looking like an excerpt from the keystone cops, to find 100m scar in the rising grassy medow.
Thankfully pilot was stood next to a rather sorry AutoG, with a sore back but other than that he was fine.
A course of further trainees was on crowd control, and at the allotted time would swap with another course who were on standby as crash guard.
Making our way back for changeover , when the AutoGyro clatters into view.
"that looks dodgy" came a chorus of views from the gathered airmen. Autogyro comes past doing the 'hands off' routine - more comments about the airworthiness of Autogyros.
"Not at all" I interject. And proceed with my best explanation of the techniques of autogyrofication, and ending with "so you see, they cant really crash" - I wish I hadn't said that.
We'd just got through the doors of the rest room when the crash alarm went off. Tannoyed as "Autogyro 1POB grid ref xxxx"
So we legs it out, but the guy has come down between us and the M5, and theres a 12 ft fence and no crash gate and no wire cutters, anyway, we eventually got over, the whole thing looking like an excerpt from the keystone cops, to find 100m scar in the rising grassy medow.
Thankfully pilot was stood next to a rather sorry AutoG, with a sore back but other than that he was fine.
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Early 90s doing an 'Eldersomething' Exercise popped out of low-level in Scotland and zinged up to high 30s. Listening to guard we heard an F-15 in the Wash.
Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, Mayday Mayday MAyday, right engine just failed'
Me to AD in the back 'What's wrong with the wank3r, he's got another engine'
Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, left engines failed'
Me - 'Oops, wish I hadn't said that.'
Said F-15 mate ejects and his leader sets up a res cap and gains useful info: 'Hey Bill, is it cold?'
Land back at Leeming at which point an ashen faced Coningsby crew walk in. I asked them what happened and Nav describes scene.
'We were in the Wash and spotted a couple of F-15s in Battle. Took a Fox One and the right hand F-15 pilot ejected and the jet rolled up side down and crashed.'
Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, Mayday Mayday MAyday, right engine just failed'
Me to AD in the back 'What's wrong with the wank3r, he's got another engine'
Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, left engines failed'
Me - 'Oops, wish I hadn't said that.'
Said F-15 mate ejects and his leader sets up a res cap and gains useful info: 'Hey Bill, is it cold?'
Land back at Leeming at which point an ashen faced Coningsby crew walk in. I asked them what happened and Nav describes scene.
'We were in the Wash and spotted a couple of F-15s in Battle. Took a Fox One and the right hand F-15 pilot ejected and the jet rolled up side down and crashed.'
