I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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The only 21st Century tanker currently flying is fitted with bits of kit which need crypto loads. The data fill ports are fitted on the flight deck on the rear cockpit wall, behind the right hand seat.......
Or, as was described in Jinglish by a colleague to an audience today:
"Zey are inzerted in ze backside of ze first offizier"
Or, as was described in Jinglish by a colleague to an audience today:
"Zey are inzerted in ze backside of ze first offizier"
Don`t know if this applies as it is self inflicted, Many years ago when flying in the Adriatic with the then new Sandpiper IR, i spotted and reported "a hot air balloon on the starboard side and slightly high". It took the pilots a couple of minutes of searching to come back with " I think you found the moon" Anyway, Op Sharpguard was for us, fairly enjoyable !!
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
A bit of an Urban Myth:
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm
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Late 1969 early 70 the Air Attache at the Embassy in Washington DC is invited to attend the opening night of the film "The Battle of Britain"
(AVM C-M was of course one of the Few) The flight across America(first class of course) to Los Angeles was uneventfull the arrival was a semi controlled crash.As C-M left the aircraft the Captain was stood at the door C-M turned to him and said "Young man that was the worst landing I have ever walked away from" To which the Captain quickly replied "Sorry Sir I was taught by the RAF" C-M being the perfect gentleman quickly walked on after shaking hands with the Captain.
(AVM C-M was of course one of the Few) The flight across America(first class of course) to Los Angeles was uneventfull the arrival was a semi controlled crash.As C-M left the aircraft the Captain was stood at the door C-M turned to him and said "Young man that was the worst landing I have ever walked away from" To which the Captain quickly replied "Sorry Sir I was taught by the RAF" C-M being the perfect gentleman quickly walked on after shaking hands with the Captain.
A certain Yorkshireman was flying his F3 with his girlfriend in the back ( ) and she had let slip that his middle name was Hector. Something he did not want published. He was to be handed off to Buchan for tanking. The call was made:
'Stand by for your vector to the victor in the northern sector, Hector'.
I was at the Queens Birthday celebration at the Embassy in Jordan in 1990. Having had far too much free champagne I did ask the Chinese Defence Attache for '3 portions of spare ribs to go'. First time I have been chucked out of an Embassy (followed by seething wife and amused friends).
) and she had let slip that his middle name was Hector. Something he did not want published. He was to be handed off to Buchan for tanking. The call was made:'Stand by for your vector to the victor in the northern sector, Hector'.
I was at the Queens Birthday celebration at the Embassy in Jordan in 1990. Having had far too much free champagne I did ask the Chinese Defence Attache for '3 portions of spare ribs to go'. First time I have been chucked out of an Embassy (followed by seething wife and amused friends).
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Formation Check-in
Place: Riyadh South Airfield, Saudi Arabia, 70's.
Aircraft: C172 No. 8 Sqdn RSAF.
"Sparrow Formation Check-In"
#1 Well
#2 Oil
#3 Beef
#4 Hooked
Aircraft: C172 No. 8 Sqdn RSAF.
"Sparrow Formation Check-In"
#1 Well
#2 Oil
#3 Beef
#4 Hooked
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The GR3 element for Desert Shield arrived in theatre made up of the best aircraft/crews from the mud world. OC calls the crews together and tells them to come up with a unit name as there is no one squadron and its too big to be a flight. After a while, the crews expecting to be joined by Saudi and Italian GRs came up with "Combined United Nations Tornado Squadron".
The next day they were told to think again...
The next day they were told to think again...
Can remember a similar one to that. Days of UN in Bosnia. We were the second Lynx squadron in theatre, Croatian United Nations Taxi Service. Still got the t-shirt.
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Could be...
One I heard the other day which tickled...
Mate's dad was an NS army trooper and spent some of his service in Aden, where he was mostly living in a hole in the desert. On one of the rare trips back to Steamer Point and the nearest equivalent to civilisation, he was tasked to get some new mossie nets and various other bits that would make life upcountry a bit more tolerable. He wasn't best pleased to end up queuing at the stores behind a dapper young RAF officer, who was giving the blanket stackers a hard time as they couldn't find him a new table-tennis net.
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Silva nicked the legend and made an ad from it, rather than the other way round. The legend seems to have been around since the 60s in one form or another!
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I remember having a beef about some tech instruction that arrived on the team, of I went to the bosses office on entering my opening words were "What Gibbon thought of this bright idea", you guessed it he got onto his chair and did a very good impression of a Gibbon. My first response was to sink in a chair and groan, give him his due he was an ace guy and it only took him 40 minutes to explain the correct way of achieving my goals. Follow his advice every day now when I have a problem (sorry challenge).
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Brilliant read, has kept me amused for a quite few hours!
A little off thread but here goes;
Some years ago in Vietnamese waters of the South China Sea onboard a specialist Cable Lay ship, laying a Subsea Telephone cable from Malaysia to Hong Kong.
Onboard were two ageing Vietnamese army Colonels - probably of age to have fought in the War. They were there to oversee the operation in Vietnamese waters. Also onboard was one very large, loud American ex "Nam" Veteran, working as a rep for a Cable Operator (our customer).
One quiet morning the said Loud Yank chap arrives on the bridge in search of our two Vietnamese Colonel VIPs, and yells "anyone seen the goddamned G
KS?".
"Yes, they are behind the Chart Table".......Twas a very tense few moments on the bridge where you could hear a pin drop!
Lots of giggles after in the bar though, which livened up a very long job!
Said American was not seen much after that.
A little off thread but here goes;
Some years ago in Vietnamese waters of the South China Sea onboard a specialist Cable Lay ship, laying a Subsea Telephone cable from Malaysia to Hong Kong.
Onboard were two ageing Vietnamese army Colonels - probably of age to have fought in the War. They were there to oversee the operation in Vietnamese waters. Also onboard was one very large, loud American ex "Nam" Veteran, working as a rep for a Cable Operator (our customer).
One quiet morning the said Loud Yank chap arrives on the bridge in search of our two Vietnamese Colonel VIPs, and yells "anyone seen the goddamned G
KS?"."Yes, they are behind the Chart Table".......Twas a very tense few moments on the bridge where you could hear a pin drop!
Lots of giggles after in the bar though, which livened up a very long job!
Said American was not seen much after that.
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Now don't get me wrong, I have the highest regard for our Kansas Cousin's. It's just they have a slightly less "stuffy" attitude to R/T than us Brits and it does make for some amusing exchanges.
Mid 70's, Eastern UK crawling with USAF F4's. STEAD (sp?) formation of F4's en-route back to Lakenheath trying to get through Awy Blue 1.
"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One....." Silence.
"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One......" Silence.
Repeat x 2, Silence x 2.
Posh Brit voice "Stead Flight, why don't you try Eastern on xxx.x?"
"Ah what the hell, we're through the cĢ$%sucking airway anyway".
Also Mid 70's, same Wing, over West Wales.
"Stead 65, after weather avoidance, what's your intended rollout heading?"
"270 if I can get round these cĢ$%sucking thumbly bums!".
Didn't hear it, but the F111 trying to get clearance down the Tumby Bomb Plot from Drayton on 243 was apparently hilarious.
Keep this thread going, it's a cracker.
Mid 70's, Eastern UK crawling with USAF F4's. STEAD (sp?) formation of F4's en-route back to Lakenheath trying to get through Awy Blue 1.
"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One....." Silence.
"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One......" Silence.
Repeat x 2, Silence x 2.
Posh Brit voice "Stead Flight, why don't you try Eastern on xxx.x?"
"Ah what the hell, we're through the cĢ$%sucking airway anyway".
Also Mid 70's, same Wing, over West Wales.
"Stead 65, after weather avoidance, what's your intended rollout heading?"
"270 if I can get round these cĢ$%sucking thumbly bums!".
Didn't hear it, but the F111 trying to get clearance down the Tumby Bomb Plot from Drayton on 243 was apparently hilarious.
Keep this thread going, it's a cracker.
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And a few of Binbrook Gems.
Messing about before landing one afternoon, future wife on "Talkdown", requested a GCA. Configured, 8 miles, checks complete.
"Begin descent now for a 2 and a half degree glide path....." Select a/b in, gear up, flaps up, advance throttles and maintain glide. Talkdown gets faster and faster until doing 550 kts at a mile and a half, frustrated voice says, "Very funny smartass now piss off to Stud One!"
----------------------------
How are nicknames achieved? East of the Spurn Point Lighthouse one afternoon, lead of a 4 giving a new JP some practice.
"4, are you with this formation or are you just trying to Savage it?!" (Hows life in Virgin Savage?)
---------------------------
Or the young JP learning to tank off a Delta Wing bomber after the Falklands War and after one memorable trip became known as Spok. Why, because he F$%^£s Vulcans!
---------------------------
During the tenure of one Captain Cowpat and midway through one of his "punishment" exercises after we failed TACEVAL because of one of his cock ups. Experienced mate punches out during the exercise after the back end bursts into flames as he tries to relight No 2 after a slightly non standard endurance extending procedure. Come up out of the "bunker" to watch the chopper land, guy guarding the entrance says
"Is Mr Xxxx OK sir?" "Yes I think he's fine." "Thats good. Shouldn't say it sir, but I wish it'd been the Stn Cdr and he'd gone in with the f$%^&*£ aeroplane!" (I had him charged immediately.......). Popular bloke - not.
--------------------------
And finally for now, extracted from the 226 OCU linebook which somehow ended up in the LTF crewroom. At a beercall in the Coltishall crewroom circa early 1970's, pilot talking to rather masculine SACW bowser driver who went by the name of AVTAG Annie.
AA "Just 'cause you're an Orficer doesn't mean I can't fump ya!".
Messing about before landing one afternoon, future wife on "Talkdown", requested a GCA. Configured, 8 miles, checks complete.
"Begin descent now for a 2 and a half degree glide path....." Select a/b in, gear up, flaps up, advance throttles and maintain glide. Talkdown gets faster and faster until doing 550 kts at a mile and a half, frustrated voice says, "Very funny smartass now piss off to Stud One!"
----------------------------
How are nicknames achieved? East of the Spurn Point Lighthouse one afternoon, lead of a 4 giving a new JP some practice.
"4, are you with this formation or are you just trying to Savage it?!" (Hows life in Virgin Savage?)
---------------------------
Or the young JP learning to tank off a Delta Wing bomber after the Falklands War and after one memorable trip became known as Spok. Why, because he F$%^£s Vulcans!
---------------------------
During the tenure of one Captain Cowpat and midway through one of his "punishment" exercises after we failed TACEVAL because of one of his cock ups. Experienced mate punches out during the exercise after the back end bursts into flames as he tries to relight No 2 after a slightly non standard endurance extending procedure. Come up out of the "bunker" to watch the chopper land, guy guarding the entrance says
"Is Mr Xxxx OK sir?" "Yes I think he's fine." "Thats good. Shouldn't say it sir, but I wish it'd been the Stn Cdr and he'd gone in with the f$%^&*£ aeroplane!" (I had him charged immediately.......). Popular bloke - not.
--------------------------
And finally for now, extracted from the 226 OCU linebook which somehow ended up in the LTF crewroom. At a beercall in the Coltishall crewroom circa early 1970's, pilot talking to rather masculine SACW bowser driver who went by the name of AVTAG Annie.
AA "Just 'cause you're an Orficer doesn't mean I can't fump ya!".
Last edited by BusterHot; 15th Dec 2006 at 00:27.
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
Which calls to mind one of the SACs at 280SU during our only callout* at 280SU back in about 1977. This was the time of Dadīs Army on TV where Corporal Jones' catch phrase was "Donīt panic Mr Mainwaring."
Said SAC was racing around the MT yard shouting "Donīt Panic!" when a certain officious engineering officer came along. The SAC skidded to halt, threw up a smart salute and exclaimed, "Morning Sah! Sorry Sah! You can panic Sah!", then raced off again.........
*The word had come down from upon high that sufficient time had passed since the Turkish invasion and Cyprus was TACEVAL vulnerable again. The CO had a call out plan written and decided to exercise it.
The siren duly went and we raced off up the hill to work. We did seem to pass a lot of cars for such an early hour, but thought no more about it.
They did at the leave centre and admin site, where the local Mayor and most of the village pitched up asking for sanctuary, as they thought the Turks were on the move again....
After various complaints and investigations, we were advised we were no longer TACEVAL vulnerable - and never had another callout.......
--------------------------------------------------------------
Which then brings to mind when we reinforced 280SU shortly after the Yanks bombed Libya. The royal yacht, Britannia, was coming through the Suez canal and Med and the worry was that the Libyans would launch their (2) Blinders and bomb her in retaliation. We, along with 3 VC10s and about 6 F4s were sent to provide top cover during her transit. She would transit as far north as possible till she could duck into the Greek islands.
Come the day before and the Met man predicted blue skies. Come the day, it was solid cloud from 5000ft to 35000ft. Which made AAR a bit of a problem. The cunning plan agreed was that one VC10 and 2 F4s would CAP and AAR around the ship at 4000ft whilst a second VC10 did Middleman. That tanker would rotate down to low level to relieve the first as the third arrived etc etc.
All went well till they gotr within radar range of the Greeks who wondered what was going and the F4s reported that a "twin prop flying boat" had appeared and was being nosy. They were instructed to "Intervene and escort away". The aircraft was duly escorted away.
It turned out, of course, to be a Greek navy HU16 Albatross, who came back about an hour later with 2 live armed Mirage (might have been F4s, my memory is going..).
"What do we do now Oly?"
"Standby........"
Said SAC was racing around the MT yard shouting "Donīt Panic!" when a certain officious engineering officer came along. The SAC skidded to halt, threw up a smart salute and exclaimed, "Morning Sah! Sorry Sah! You can panic Sah!", then raced off again.........
*The word had come down from upon high that sufficient time had passed since the Turkish invasion and Cyprus was TACEVAL vulnerable again. The CO had a call out plan written and decided to exercise it.
The siren duly went and we raced off up the hill to work. We did seem to pass a lot of cars for such an early hour, but thought no more about it.
They did at the leave centre and admin site, where the local Mayor and most of the village pitched up asking for sanctuary, as they thought the Turks were on the move again....
After various complaints and investigations, we were advised we were no longer TACEVAL vulnerable - and never had another callout.......
--------------------------------------------------------------
Which then brings to mind when we reinforced 280SU shortly after the Yanks bombed Libya. The royal yacht, Britannia, was coming through the Suez canal and Med and the worry was that the Libyans would launch their (2) Blinders and bomb her in retaliation. We, along with 3 VC10s and about 6 F4s were sent to provide top cover during her transit. She would transit as far north as possible till she could duck into the Greek islands.
Come the day before and the Met man predicted blue skies. Come the day, it was solid cloud from 5000ft to 35000ft. Which made AAR a bit of a problem. The cunning plan agreed was that one VC10 and 2 F4s would CAP and AAR around the ship at 4000ft whilst a second VC10 did Middleman. That tanker would rotate down to low level to relieve the first as the third arrived etc etc.
All went well till they gotr within radar range of the Greeks who wondered what was going and the F4s reported that a "twin prop flying boat" had appeared and was being nosy. They were instructed to "Intervene and escort away". The aircraft was duly escorted away.
It turned out, of course, to be a Greek navy HU16 Albatross, who came back about an hour later with 2 live armed Mirage (might have been F4s, my memory is going..).
"What do we do now Oly?"
"Standby........"
In fact, had difficulty keeping a straight face and then went away and had a damn good chuckle!