I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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Dont know whether this counts, it was on a sticker i saw at a vas down south. A Mk 9 wheelie bin squadron sticker with the words "skids are for kids" on it. A Mk 7 crew had obviously been through and added "Yeah, and wheels are for c*nts, deliver death not soup"
nuff said
nuff said
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A GR1 station in Germany (not the Northern one), post Gulf . An ex-Prime Minister's husband comes to visit the crewroom. As usual, all the aircrew are standing in a nice semi-circle. Half way along the glad handing, one of the pilots at the beginning of the line turns and whispers to the man next to him, 'I've just shook DT's hand, I'm never going to wash it again!' The neighbour replys (a little bit louder), 'I would mate, imagine where that little finger of his has been!'. Queue bomb burst from crewroom.
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Allegedly, and along similar lines...
London ATC to Birdseed Concorde on the ILS @ LHR:
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, reduce speed to 200kts"
Speedbird: "Wilco"
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, further speed reduction, 180Kts"
Speedbird: "Reducing"
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, further speed reduction, 160kts or less"
Speedbird: (Rather stuffily) "Don't you know what speed we stall at?!!"
ATC: "No sir, but I'm sure if you ask your First Officer, he'll know!"
Adjust circumstance and players to suit!
Another which I do know has more basis in truth...
Big backlog at 27R hold @ LHR. Everyone queing patiently, apart from US big ket who decides to jump part of queue.
Feeling smug, transmits something about "so long suckers" or similar. This followed moments later by much screeching of tyres and clouds of smoke as he aborts take-off roll due to fire bell warning transmitted on open comms!
And a definite true one to complete...
Arab stude in middle England, constantly mixing altitudes and FL's, to ATC unit:
"XXX, this is Abdul 1234, routing to XXX on VFR navex at FL3000"
ATCO: "Roger Abdul 1234, suggest you contact Houston Control on Freq...."
London ATC to Birdseed Concorde on the ILS @ LHR:
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, reduce speed to 200kts"
Speedbird: "Wilco"
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, further speed reduction, 180Kts"
Speedbird: "Reducing"
ATC: "Speedbird 1234, further speed reduction, 160kts or less"
Speedbird: (Rather stuffily) "Don't you know what speed we stall at?!!"
ATC: "No sir, but I'm sure if you ask your First Officer, he'll know!"
Adjust circumstance and players to suit!
Another which I do know has more basis in truth...
Big backlog at 27R hold @ LHR. Everyone queing patiently, apart from US big ket who decides to jump part of queue.
Feeling smug, transmits something about "so long suckers" or similar. This followed moments later by much screeching of tyres and clouds of smoke as he aborts take-off roll due to fire bell warning transmitted on open comms!
And a definite true one to complete...
Arab stude in middle England, constantly mixing altitudes and FL's, to ATC unit:
"XXX, this is Abdul 1234, routing to XXX on VFR navex at FL3000"
ATCO: "Roger Abdul 1234, suggest you contact Houston Control on Freq...."
Guest
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Some years back going up the Red Sea coast, Addis Ababababa instructs our intrepid heros to call Asmara (Eritrea).
‘Asmara this is ASCOT’
‘What is your diplomatic clearance number for Eritrea’
Frantic search through paperwork
‘Er, dip clear for Addis Ababa is XYZ123
‘Negative, negative, what is your diplomatic clearance number for Eritrea’
Blank stares exchanged. F*&^ing country’s only five minutes old and we’ve already upset them.
‘We only have the number issued by Addis’
‘You are entering Asmara CTZ without dip clear, you blah blah blah, threat blah blah blah, what is the name and address of your operator’
Checks remaining distance to go in Asmara CTZ as now only about 50nm
‘Aircraft operator is Royal Air Force Strike Command, I say again, Royal Air Force Strike Command, I spell, words twice, words twice, Romeo, Oscar, Yankee etc etc High Wycombe, High Wycombe Hotel, India, etc etc, Buckinghamshire, Buckinghamshire, etc etc I say again ….Now two way with Cairo, Gooday!’
PHEW!
‘Asmara this is ASCOT’
‘What is your diplomatic clearance number for Eritrea’
Frantic search through paperwork
‘Er, dip clear for Addis Ababa is XYZ123
‘Negative, negative, what is your diplomatic clearance number for Eritrea’
Blank stares exchanged. F*&^ing country’s only five minutes old and we’ve already upset them.
‘We only have the number issued by Addis’
‘You are entering Asmara CTZ without dip clear, you blah blah blah, threat blah blah blah, what is the name and address of your operator’
Checks remaining distance to go in Asmara CTZ as now only about 50nm
‘Aircraft operator is Royal Air Force Strike Command, I say again, Royal Air Force Strike Command, I spell, words twice, words twice, Romeo, Oscar, Yankee etc etc High Wycombe, High Wycombe Hotel, India, etc etc, Buckinghamshire, Buckinghamshire, etc etc I say again ….Now two way with Cairo, Gooday!’
PHEW!
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One cold morning on a certain training camp on Salisbury Plain, a handful of guys have been formed up in their gear prior to being sent into the bondoo. Large and equally noisy Warrant Officer paces up and down with a yard stick, complete with well polished brass end. Whilst exclaiming how gleaming it was, one witty youth piped up "do you polish your own end, sir?" to which, in quick return the WO replied "No, i dip it in the mud and get a sprog to do it for me..."
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Many, many moons ago
Iwas off nights, and wanted a pee. As one understands, in this sort of case, the male appendage "swells".
I open block door, to be confronted by Groupie [S/O] and a [WRAF]PO adj u/t' doing a billet inspection. Groupie says "Nice to stand to attention, but all of you needen't"
Two days later, walking down the hole, the WRAF tapped me on the shoulder and [you guessed it] said "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on".;
A lot of explaining to mates
we aim to please, [keeps the cleaners happy]
------------------
chiglet
[This message has been edited by chiglet (edited 04 June 2001).]
Iwas off nights, and wanted a pee. As one understands, in this sort of case, the male appendage "swells".
I open block door, to be confronted by Groupie [S/O] and a [WRAF]PO adj u/t' doing a billet inspection. Groupie says "Nice to stand to attention, but all of you needen't"
Two days later, walking down the hole, the WRAF tapped me on the shoulder and [you guessed it] said "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on".;
A lot of explaining to mates
we aim to please, [keeps the cleaners happy]
------------------
chiglet
[This message has been edited by chiglet (edited 04 June 2001).]
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I was leading a new Flt Cdr on a SAP (low-level nav with some practice bombing on the range). Somewhere West of Linton he announced he'd had a bird strike. He pulled up, I went over to inspect him. Fuel ..ssing out of port drop tank, with severely mangled front end. He decides to go over the sea to drop the tanks. "I've always wanted to do this" he said as we coasted out. I visually cleared an area for him, then he dropped em.
When he rejoined me in close formation I noticed he no longer had a centreline CBLS (practice bomb carrier).
After I informed him about my observation he said:
"You couldn't just say I had a birdstrike on the CBLS as well could you?"
Oops!
When he rejoined me in close formation I noticed he no longer had a centreline CBLS (practice bomb carrier).
After I informed him about my observation he said:
"You couldn't just say I had a birdstrike on the CBLS as well could you?"
Oops!
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On the day I arrived in the Falklands for my first tour there it happened to be Day 2 of the quarterly, week-long, Resident Infantry Company Exercise. So, after a good 3 hours of sleep, I joined the rest of my (more experienced) crew, and off we trotted in our Wokka for lots of trooping, inserts, exfils etc.
Now the next 4 days were fairly busy tasking wise, and unfortunately, we were detached to W. Falkland for most of it. To make the already austere conditions worse, we were dry. Not much fun as you can imagine.
Anyway, on the final day of the Ex, we were tasked to pick up some troops from the Mt. Tumbledown area, post their successful sim assault on Stanley. By this stage it was twilight, and raining, and I was tired, hungry, and looking forward to a well earned beer. We arrived at the Pick up point, and out of the gloom, on came the troops. All carried out their drills correctly, except one little squaddie, who tried to make his way to the front of the Chinook. I stopped him, and the following bellowed conversation took place over the noise of the AC:
Me: "Oi! Sit there will ya mate!"
Squaddie: "No, I want to sit in the jumpseat."
Me: "Just sit there, we'll be back in 5 minutes."
Squaddie: "But I want to sit in the jumpseat."
Me (Tired and emotional): "Just f**king siddown you little 5h1t, or I'll f**king fist you, alright!!!"
Squaddie: "But I'm Sea Beefy"
Me: "I don't care what your nickname is mate, f**king sit!"
And with that, he sat down reluctantly, and proceded to glare at me. Some minutes later I asked the rest of the Crew over the i/c...
Me: "Hey, anyone know what sort of name Sea Beefy is?"
AC Captain: "You mean CBFFI, Cdr British Forces Falkland Islands?"
Me: "Oh Bo+*@#ks"
Oh how we laughed. Fortunately for me, he was a very understanding chap, a Nav I believe. I learnt about rank recognition from that....
Now the next 4 days were fairly busy tasking wise, and unfortunately, we were detached to W. Falkland for most of it. To make the already austere conditions worse, we were dry. Not much fun as you can imagine.
Anyway, on the final day of the Ex, we were tasked to pick up some troops from the Mt. Tumbledown area, post their successful sim assault on Stanley. By this stage it was twilight, and raining, and I was tired, hungry, and looking forward to a well earned beer. We arrived at the Pick up point, and out of the gloom, on came the troops. All carried out their drills correctly, except one little squaddie, who tried to make his way to the front of the Chinook. I stopped him, and the following bellowed conversation took place over the noise of the AC:
Me: "Oi! Sit there will ya mate!"
Squaddie: "No, I want to sit in the jumpseat."
Me: "Just sit there, we'll be back in 5 minutes."
Squaddie: "But I want to sit in the jumpseat."
Me (Tired and emotional): "Just f**king siddown you little 5h1t, or I'll f**king fist you, alright!!!"
Squaddie: "But I'm Sea Beefy"
Me: "I don't care what your nickname is mate, f**king sit!"
And with that, he sat down reluctantly, and proceded to glare at me. Some minutes later I asked the rest of the Crew over the i/c...
Me: "Hey, anyone know what sort of name Sea Beefy is?"
AC Captain: "You mean CBFFI, Cdr British Forces Falkland Islands?"
Me: "Oh Bo+*@#ks"
Oh how we laughed. Fortunately for me, he was a very understanding chap, a Nav I believe. I learnt about rank recognition from that....
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Current rumour from the land of penguins and tinnies...
Sign on the outskirts of Stanley used to read:
"Welcome to Stanley, Twinned with Whitby"
after covert humour insertion now reads:
"Welcome to Royston Vasey. You'll never leave!"
after all, they're all local shops for local people.
Sign on the outskirts of Stanley used to read:
"Welcome to Stanley, Twinned with Whitby"
after covert humour insertion now reads:
"Welcome to Royston Vasey. You'll never leave!"
after all, they're all local shops for local people.
Guest
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Again, at MPA........
Asked the tower controller to get the inbound RN Lynx to come 'by' the tower for a piccie! Happy chappy obliges, and Lynx toddles over.
Came so close, that he filled the frame of my throwaway camera! Unfortunately, OC Ops (Wg Cdr) who's office was downstairs was less than impressed at having a lynx wingtips at his window!!!
After taxiing off at the request of OC Ops, he then covered a 1312flt C130 with dust!
Pilot gets bollocking - I get cracking shot!!
Sorry buddy.
Asked the tower controller to get the inbound RN Lynx to come 'by' the tower for a piccie! Happy chappy obliges, and Lynx toddles over.
Came so close, that he filled the frame of my throwaway camera! Unfortunately, OC Ops (Wg Cdr) who's office was downstairs was less than impressed at having a lynx wingtips at his window!!!
After taxiing off at the request of OC Ops, he then covered a 1312flt C130 with dust!
Pilot gets bollocking - I get cracking shot!!
Sorry buddy.