man-u
 

Semantically, the soldier's response was correct. He did give you permission to offer him some coffee or tea :E

I was the First Officer on a 19-seat turboprop and had just landed the aircraft, all in full view of the pax (no cockpit door). We had no cabin crew either and it was my turn to see everyone off the aircraft. One man, obviously very excited by the proceedings, cornered me at the foot of the steps and asked breathlessly "tell me, are you learning to fly?". I was speechless and the look of total disdain on my face was completely lost on him. Never felt so small!

best comedy theatres are planes:

Waiting for the door to open at the jetty this passenger 5th or 6th in line shouts out that he must disembark 1st, because he's got a meeting and he's a very important person at this meeting. The guest standing before him than replies:' I'm always important at a meeting, that's why they always wait for me':E.

It made such an impression on me that I can remember it clearly.
I'm on BA203, the early morning Karachi - London in December 1969. We passengers are either reading whatever or - in my case - snoozing as the VC-10 sailed serenely on. An obnoxious and somewhat over-stimulated six/seven year old was running up and down the aisle. The stewardess grabbed the lad and said in a VERY LOUD VOICE, "how would you like to play outside?"
That shut the little fecker up and caused smiles of mirth and satisfaction all around.

Jeez; that was a long read-in.

Thanks to all you folks for confirming for me what I always suspected about many of my fellow SLF. (And, in come cases, CC).

It's not just you folks who suffer. If you stick notalwaysright into your favourite search engine you'll find tales of woe from other "customer-facing" people.

Keep up the good work, both here and, er, at work. :ok:

Very small well known comedian in 2a on a VC10. 2b is empty. As the A girl leans over to put something on his tray he wispers to her "Hello my darling, what would you say to a little f ....k?"
The A girl being well known for her quick wit replies immediately......"Hello"!
Believe this is a true story..................now who was it? The A girl that is

Call me a cab
 

This isn't strictly a CC / SLF story but the son of a friend who was travelling with his GF to the USA complained to the holiday company when they didn't get their complimentary cab from the airport to the hotel.

Turns out that when he booked the holiday a few months earlier, he was told that the price included TAXES.

Inappropriate CC comments?
 

I used to be a twice-a-week-EDI-LHR-EDI passenger, and knew many of the CC fairly well. One Friday, MrsP and I were heading for London, when one of the (extremely pretty, off-duty, and in civvies with a VERY short skirt) CC sat down beside us for a blether. The conversation is seared on my memory.

Me: "Hi, ****, this is ****, you haven't met."
CC: "Hello, nice to meet you. Don't usually see you on a Friday, Magnus."
Me: "No; **** and I are heading south for a couple of days."
CC: "Oh, a dirty weekend? Don't worry, I won't tell the wife!"
MrsP: "WTF???"
Me: "Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh!!"

Establishing that it was a joke took some time . . . :*

I answered a call bell to a passenger who was filling in his US customs form and it went something like this;

Me; How can I help you sir?
Pax: Is cheese food?

At this point I thought I misheard and continued to help the guy.

Me; Do you eat it?
Pax; Yes
Me; (smiling sweetly) then it's food. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Pax; No thank you

Then I just walked away.

I had to go back to the galley and relay the story to the rest of the crew, I just had to make sure that cheese was not used for anything else:E:rolleyes:

Reminds me of a sign on a hairdryer in a hotel room in Osaka.
THIS IS TO BE USED ONLY FOR DRYING OF HAIR. DO NOT USE FOR THE OTHER PURPOSE.
I never worked out what 'the other purpose' was.

PA
 

Upon approach into Beirut International airport.... our Captain comes on the PA and mistakenly announces our imminent arrival to Israel's Ben Gurion Airport.... should have seen the faces of the PAX! :eek:

FA/PA on arrival to Dublin "Ladies and Gentlemen welcome back to the United Kingdom" met with 200 odd PAX booing.

Speshul :ugh:

KLM flight from AMS to NBO then on to JNB (good old days!)

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome on board this KLM flight to Amsterdam ....... errr .... click"

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome on board this KLM flight to Johannesburg ....... errr .... click"

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome on board this KLM flight to Nairobi, continuing to Johannesburg ......"

Boozed up voice from somewhere in row 376 ..... "Are you f***ing sure it's KLM ...."

"I never worked out what 'the other purpose' was."

Some people are known to wash their clothes in the tub and then try and dry them with the hotel hairdryer (which invariably burns them out).

I did hear of some tourist to Finland from an Asian country who felt it was cold so used the in-room hairdryer as an extra warm air blower (left on all night, unit overheated and blew some fuses). Maintenance people in hotels don't like 'em (hmm both dryers and many visitors).

Thick Cabin Crew comments
 

Well it's only fair that there should be a few going the other way.
Like the EK crew member on recent DXB_LHR flight listening to a journalist up the back saying how he'd just been to an interview with Santana.
Cue pause....Then a reply of...Ooh, good luck I hope you get the job.
:bored:

kai tak
 

eons ago, an older american couple (obvioulsy first time to HK) sitting behind me on the upper deck of 747 right hand side as we came in for the famous final turn to land runway 13. seeing the bright neon lights of kowloon city wife says to husband:

"look honey, it's china town!"

me and business colleague sitting beside me almost in tears as we tried to surpress laughter!
:D

Boarding a flight using names from the boarding cards to say 'good morning mrs xxx', lovely elderly lady says to me "Oh my goodness dear, however do you remember all our names?"

Just before landing into LHR Capt makes pa to say that there will be a short taxi to the terminal so please stay seated. US lady pax presses call bell, "Do we have to pay for that taxi because we don't have any sterling!"

Crew member after bird strike "Couldn't we have some sort of force-field around our plane to stop them flying into it?" Beam me up!

Ottergirl

Jordan? The Model?
 

An SLF story that is well known in military circles at least: An officer (who shall remain nameless) was tasked with going on a recce for an upcoming exercise in the Middle East. Having booked his own flight, he duly arrived at his destination and could find no sign of the other members of the recce team who had departed on an earlier flight. The mobile phone conversation went something like this:

Officer Who Shall Remain Nameless (OWSRN): "Where the bl**dy hell are you lot. I've been waiting for hours!"
Rest of Recce Team (RRT): "Erm, we were going to ask you the same thing."
OWSRN: "Well I'm standing by the Avis desk so get yourselves together!"
RRT: "Ok then... (slight pause as RRT move to Avis desk)...nope, we can't see you. Have you moved?"
OWSRN: "No I'm standing right here you idiots".

Much confusion reigns for the next few minutes...

RRT: "Which airport are you at sir?"
OWSRN: "I'm at Queen Alia Airport, in Amman. Which airport are you at?"
RRT: "Muscat International, in Oman, like it says in the order."
OWSRN: ":mad:".

Erm, as a New Zealander, I can confirm that Pepsi is definitely sold here, is in fact as easily available as anywhere else in the world, and has been since at least the 1980s (which is as far back as I can remember, due to only being born then). :confused:

In a similar vein to 4Foxtrot, a story that I would love to be true; I have it on good authority that it is....

Many moons ago, I spent a long time in management consulting, and one of the features of the job is travel. At the time, most of us booked our own flights and hotels, and so long as we obeyed corporate policy, everyone was happy.

Story did the rounds about a consultant from the London office who had a meeting in New York. As per policy, he books BA Club, room in a good hotel for the night before the noon meeting.

Woken by his mobile ringing at 7am. "Where the bloody hell are you", bellows his colleague. Confused, our hero explains that it is only seven am.

Then the penny dropped. Meeting was in YORK, not NEW YORK.

Always wanted to find out if he put the expenses claim in....

TA

Great stuff guys. I'm slf myself but ex was cc. She told me a couple of great cc repostes from a very witty cc.

Pax: are we flying over wales?
Cc: would that be the country or the fish

Irate pax after tech delay: this delay means I'll miss an important meeting!
Cc: you should worry, I've got a leg of lamb in the oven!

Made me laugh

Not on board, but in a travel agency.

A secretary 'phoned to make a booking for her boss :

"Mr. Smit would like a room at the Holiday Inn in Johannesburg from the 14th for 2 nights ..... and he'd like a room with a sea view."

" Err .... sea view ... Johannesburg? "

"Yes, he had one at the Holiday Inn in Durban last month."

Was told - can't confirm - stewardess called out on standby for London - Manchester - London.

Aircraft delayed in Manchester overnight due technical fault. Standby stewardess went bananas. Seems she and her partner practised bondage foreplay, and she had left him tied up in the wardrobe, as she was only going to be gone a couple of hours !!

Takes all sorts !

Not Necessarily Thick...
 

Absolutely too funny, 'specially if true.


I love this thread, as it makes me feel better about my micro-lapses in common sense and attentiveness when flying. I try very hard not to be a pain in the backside, because I understand how hard the CC work, and feel bad if I miss something (like what's for lunch or dinner) and have to ask about it even though I know it's been explained to the rows directly in front of me, usually because the people around me are making too much noise to hear clearly.



I at least try to be personable, though.

A couple years ago, flying out of DEN in absolutely miserable, cold, windy, wet early winter weather, I shared a good laugh with a F/A as I boarded.

The wind was howling and the jetway was actually humming and vibrating in the wind, with little gusts of wettish wind making its way past the seals.

As I was stepping on, an especially virulent blast of cold wet air came in with me.

I threw my arms wide and looked, wide-eyed, at the F/A unlucky enough to be stationed in this cold, nasty spot.

"Hold me!" I said, and then smiled.

She completely cracked up, and simply nodded down-aisle with an expression that said "thanks, I needed that, now go so I can deal with the idiots soon to come."

Mid-flight as I was making my way to the head, I passed by her - she smiled and said "thank you."

It was a very genuine moment - certainly made my flight better, and prolly made her shift better as well.

I spoke with her briefly on my way out, and she let on that she had dealt with a lot of cranky pax boarding before me, and that my little remark was "the 10 best seconds" of the whole flight.


I think the most important thing one can bring with is one's sense of humor - it's the grease that keeps people from galling and abrading each other.

I enjoy the tales of "thick" a lot, but end up shaking my head at the mean things some pax are reported to have said/done.

It shouldn't be that way.

Crashes are rare enough indeed, but many people need to think how bad would it be to die in one after having been horribly rude or inconsiderate to those around you.


RR

me: "Sir, do you need a landing card for entry into the US?
pax: "mmmmmmmmmmm I dunno"
me: "Sir, are you a US citizen?"
pax: "no."
me: "Sir, do you hold a green card?"
pax: "mmmmhhhh, I don't think so, BUT I GOT AMEX AND VISA":ugh:

Works both ways....some years ago whilst flying with Thompsons I was lucky enough to get a seat next to the emergency exit door (no seat in front). Young cc approached on prep for takeoff and says demandingly, "You cannot stick your feet out sir,tuck them under the seat....":ooh:

Not so much a dumb comment as a dumb action - pax recently tried to open the rear emergency door of our B-717 thinking it was the toilet. She even had the bright red plastic shield off and was ready to attack the handle before we intervened. :eek:

Bondage
 

The bondage story is correct. Must have been around 1980. It was at Gatwick and the FA was called out for a short European trip, to Brussels or Amsterdam, I don't remember exactly. The local Plod had to be called to release the poor fellow. Imagine being tied up in a darkened cupboard when you hear Size 12s pounding up the stairs!

However, the episode was reported in 'The Log' at the time, with a competition for the wittiest message from the Captain to the Airline explaining the predicament.

Tea or coffee?
 

Slightly unrelated as not a thick comment (I haven't asked this on any of the flights I've been on as a passenger), but why does no-one ever have anything other than tea or coffee? :confused:

I almost understand the silly 'do you have hot chocolate?' question after only tea or coffee has been offered...:}

I ask for it (Hot Chocolate that is), but then I know I can.
Sometimes I even ask for a decaffinated tea depending on the time of day and airline/route. :ok:
(Or course I expect it to take longer to prepare than a simple batch of tea and coffee).

We only carry tea / coffee in economy. Business class have a selection of fruit and herbal teas. If you want a hot chocolate, you'll have to ask VERY nicely, and I might raid my personal stash. Nothing stopping you bringing your favourite brand on board and asking for some hot water.

Virgin Atlantic flight PVG-LHR. I went to the galley, "could I have two vodkas please". How stupid was that? Was told I could only have one at a time. Gave it to my girlfriend then went back for mine.:ugh:

Virgin Atlantic flight MCO-MAN. Travelling alone and asked if I could have two vodkas but didn't mind if they were one at a time as Virgin's policy is one drink only. "Might be on the Heathrow flights but this one's going to Manchester". The crew on the Manchester flight were the best I have ever met, the crew on the Heathrow flight, the most ignorant.

Don't spoil your dinner..
 

On a similar note to the vodka story.. not quite a thick comment, but i was certainly made to feel a bit dumb! Flying back from MBJ in club, post take off drinks being brought round. Glass of bubbly with obligatory bag of nuts which were macadamias which i HATE. Hungry from not having eaten for 6 hours, and having seen another passenger ask for and receive a bag of crisps from the larder with their drink, when my crew lady finally came round, i politely ventured a request for some crisps with my drink..

the answer...

"No, we will be serving dinner soon".

That was me put in my place!

Back in 1983, on a flight from Atlanta to SFO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on this Boeing A300".

What's with the pax on boarding that bark their seat number at you when all you've actually said to them is 'Hello' or 'Welcome on board'?

Perhaps they think that is all you want to know when you look at their boarding pass. They don't realise that you are checking that they are getiing onto the right flight with the right airline to the right destination on the right day ...

Some pax feel that when CC tell them the seat number which is written on their ticket, it implies that the passenger is too stupid to read it themselves. Of course sometimes that is true.

A few years back I boarded and managed to get a row one seat on an early morning Ryanair flight from PIK-BVA. I could hear the CC querying the head count as bodies didn't match the number that passed through the gate. Five minutes later a rather sheepish looking chap wandered across the pan from the RAF Tristar parked next to us. He had somehow managed to miss-identify his plane in the dark, boarded and sat down!

Checking heads
 

I have often wondered why, when an aircraft is almost full, the CC count the heads - would it not be easier to count the empty seats?

bizdev

On a plane with 150 seats and 148 passengers the attendants will always count the passengers and not the empty seats. They do this at all airlines all over the world. Nobody knows why. If you ask them they will answer something about infants or pax in the lav or just mumble something incomprehensible. So sadly we will never know.