Always enjoyed listening to the Amsterdam approach controllers on a rough day, as they manoevered everyone round buildups etc - impressively cool to listen to - probably a bit more stressful for the guy doing it.

Was listening the day after Raymond van Barneveld won the world title - a slightly startled sounding Northwest flight was cleared onto heading 'one hundred and eighhhhhhhhhhhhhhty'. 'err, say again?'. Don't think the pilot was a darts afficianado!

Ollie?
 

One for the Heathrow controllers ...

any chance of a copy of the recording of the "Who's Ollie" from a few weeks ago in the snow?

(Some people went to collect an aircraft from a remote stand, and wrote something in the snow. When they called-up to request clearance the Controller wanted to know who Ollie was!

Today on Maastricht UAC :
Pilot checking in from Germany, destination EGLL : "XXXXXX XXX, may we maintain this level as long as possible"
ATCo : "Of course, you can maintain till London if you like"

Hi!

Did hear a story at work today which made me laugh a lot :}

Oslo ATCC/Oslo APP is currently in the process of redesigning our airspace. The "Point merge" system is currently running simulations in Paris.
One of my collegues did have some problem with AMAN(arrival manager, which we don't have today in Oslo TMA..we do it the old manual stoneage way still), so on the debrief of the sim run he said as follows:

"I got fu:mad::mad:ed by AMAN today" :} :}

Well..not the most evolved humor, but just perfect for me :ok:

Regards
Final Vectors
Oslo APP

A German gas balloon past majestically through the STN ATZ on 28.12.08 at around 1045. It would be great to get hold of a recording of the R/T on STN DIR 126.95. Would that be possible? Sorry if this has been covered before. It would not do it justice if I tried to remember it all. We were falling about in our little cockpit...

Heard Friday evening around 2130Z in a (Southern) London sector:

ATC: "- City-Ireland 5xxx, what is your speed?"
Avro RJ85: "- Mach 0.65, but we can increase a bit"
ATC: "- Probably not enough!"

A bit harsh of the ATCO... :E

Grob: "XXX overhead XYZ, will make number 1 to the cessna"
Tower: "XXX, Will you now"
Grob: "That was the plan"
Tower: "ABC, you got the grob 11 o'clock?"
Cessna: "We've got him, ABC"
Tower: "He is about to cut you off, have fun"
Cessna: "greeeeeeeeat"

Muller + 3
 

Some years ago it was required in General Aviation in Germany to call Info at small airfields and report the name of PIC + persons on board prior to departure. At big airports, the PIC had to fill out a form at the terminal before departure.

One day, this was heard on the ground frequency at DUS:
Pilot 1: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is D-EABC, ehh, Cessna 172, emm, Muller + 3 to Mönchengladbach, emm, request taxi."
ATC: "D-EABC, taxi runway 24 via M, cross runway 31."
Pilot 1: "D-EABC, ehm, taxi runway 24, emm, via M."
Pilot 2: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is Lufthansa 123, ehmm, Boeing 737, Huber and Schmitz + 125 to Berlin, ehmmm, request start and push..."

Muller+3
 

That is so cool :)

In January working Oslo back to Scottish.
The Norwegian controller had a great accent, every time he handed somebody over he finished with a "So Long".
However with his accent it sounded more like "Shalom"...The Hebrew for Peace.
Sounded very relaxed and made us both smirk.

Then a couple of minutes later we got a request to descend, earlier then planned.

The call went "Corporate XYZ, descend FL 280, DUE traffic".

Some moments later an EL AL passed infront of us 2000' above.

I nearly wet my kecks...

Heard last Thursday evening (20th March) on Brest frequency 125.500 (in French):

- "Brest, bonsoir, French Post xxx, passing FL080 for FL180, Direct Pontoise"
- "Bonsoir French Post xxx, are you happy to cruise at FL180?"
- "Yeah, the flight is only so long"
- "Roger, maintain FL180 on reaching. Call Paris on 128.8"
- "128.8, French Post xxx. See you next time"
- "There might not be a next time - I'm retiring in September. Don't even like to work at night anymore!" :zzz:

Two years back in Aqaba, a student going for his first solo,
S: "MAx ready for departure"
T: "Line up and wait MAx"
Few minutes later
T: "MAx wind is calm cleared for takeoff"
S: "MAx Downwind for full stop"

Has this been here already? It's Land or Hold! Ace stuff!

YouTube - Land or Hold FINAL

Back in the 1970s , before Euroccontrol moved to Maastricht and when we still used paper strips, blue for Westbound, buff for Eastbound (and red for dangerous according to our PR expert) a few of us were taking our break in the terminal building at Zaventem when a couple of Sabena CC walked past, one in beige and one in blue. their then current uniforms. Someone wondered out loud why two different uniforms. "Easy," answered a French colleague. "Blue for westbound flights, beige for eastbound."

humour and recollections
 

Having just read through the past two years pages of whimsical 'real' recollections and jokes, all I can say is that I am relieved I have never flown, chaps.:ooh:

I am surprised that fingers crossed repetitive strain injury isn't an epidemic in the aviation industry!!:cool:

Years ago as i was practicing my first solo t&g during my PPL at EDSB. They just finished construction works expanding buildings including the tower.

A RYR taxied into the normal takeoff position but didn't reported ready yet. I was asked for an immediate takeoff out of an intersection infront of the RYR which i affirmed.
TWR: "D-Exxx your traffic pattern is a right hand circuit, when airborne turn immediate to the right there is a departure behind you, wind xxx/xx, runway 03 cleared for immediate takeoff."

Having in mind the "big" 737 of RYR behind me, 50 feet under my wheels i turned my C150 immediately to the right, just as being told. Infront of my windscreen the tower itself was rising as i was heading straight into it.

TWR: "D-Exxx, not that much to the right, take care the tower is quite new..."

The RYR pilots just laughed into their mics...

A couple whilst training at headcorn

Ac: Loverair356 request transit through your overhead.
twr: Loverair, whats that an airline or a bloody dating agency!:D

Islander lands after an engine faliure:

Ac: We must have forgot to do somthing
Twr: Yeah carb heat, tw*t :E

Had a nice pair of sarcastic controllers at Humberside..

Just made a bumpy landing in nil wind on my QXC to Humberside and over the radio i hear..

TWR- G-## must be blowing a gail out there with that landing

And another one today on my skills test...

Me - G-#### pa28 ......to ..... via Binsbrook and sheffield city currently at 3100 ft for basic service

Humber Radar - G-## where is Binsbrook located

Me- 10 nm SE of Humberside.

Humber Radar- Ah you mean Binbrook, why didn't you say


All i got from the examminer was "This guys a sarcastic wa:mad:ker, carry on"

No sense of humour, some people.

Heard whilst waiting for taxi at EMA:

ac:East mids twr, XXX1234, stand 21, request push and start with kilo.

Twr:XXX1234, push and start approved, face east.

ac: push and start approved, which way is east......

I didnt catch the last few comments as my passenger was laughing too hard. I on the other hand was a little worried about the people sat behind this fella.....:ooh:

Middle of the night in a room at the top of an Army Barracks building in Germany that the fledgling Brit Army Air Corps called "The Tower" when the radio squawks and a thick American voice announces -
"Mornin xxxx tower this is xxxx xxx on 121.5"
"Good morning xxxx xxx are you aware that 121.5 is an emergency frequency ?"
"Sure do xxxx tower and as I am ferrying the biggest load of crap you have ever seen all the way back to the States I'm stayin on there"

There aren't many sites that keep me reading more than a few minutes these days, but I've read all 60 pages of this thread over the last couple of days!

Priceless...! Nice to see the P.C. brigade haven't taken over ATC just yet! Boom, boom, tsch!

Keep 'em coming!

transmission was a bit broken:
ac: rhein...airforce...15...maintaining 370
atc: airforce calling rhein radar, this is munich south, please go back to previous channel and check the correct one.
ac: wilco

2 min later
ac: hallo again, we now realised that our callsign might be missleading. we are RYR(ryanair)4715 at 370, but if you like call us ryanairforce 15 and we`ll feel honored and be happy about any priority handling.
atc: roger, ryanairforce 15 identified,direct XXX
ac: never thought that this will work.

Overheard while flying through the NZTG control zone.

A/C: TG TWR, ABC at XXX, 3000ft, 2 POB, Requesting joining instructions in receipt of golf 1019

TWR: ABC, TG TWR, Make a XXX Arrival, traffic is a XXX at 2500ft, Heading XXX

A/C: Roger the Traffic, ABC

Traffic: Rather you didn't.

From a controller at Queenstown NZ (Queenstown has an 1800m RWY 23/05 and an 800m crossing Grass RWY 14/32):

An ATR72 is taxiing out for departure

QN TWR: Mount CookXXX short delay at the holding point a couple of light aircraft to land runway 23 ahead.
Mount CookXXX(sounding rather pissed at having to wait for a few 207s): What about the Grass Rwy!!??
QN TWR: Sorry didn't realise you would accept that... Grass 14 cleared for takeoff

Best one I have heard so far was about 4 weeks ago in the morning. Adelaide approach has an American working for them that always seems to be quite funny. He has to be the most casual and relaxed ATC'r that I have ever heard.


ADLAPP: "Singapore XXX, cleared ILS 23 approach, contact tower at 5 miles"
Two seconds pass with him still transmitting (can hear him moving around)

ADLAPP: "Virgin XXX, decend to 3000, track direct to Modbury"
Another 5 seconds pass, he hasnt realised that he's still transmitting

ADLAPP: "Singapore XXX, did you recieve my last transmission?"
Then you hear him go "hang on" and some russling around before a panic'd "oh shi*" and finally the transmission cuts.

SING: "Cleared ILS approach, tower at 5 miles, Singapore XXX"
VIRGIN: "Decent to 3000, track to Modbury and thanks for the entertainment, Virgin XXX".

Just happened! -

Me "Thomson 5BP contact London 132.860"

Him "132.860 Thomson 5BP, Goodnight"

North American voice "Who was that last call for?"

(Before I could reply) "Morning London Cactus 758, 370"

Me "Cactus 758 good morning route direct MID"

"Direct MID thanks 758"

Only had 2 other Americans on frequency so thought i'd check they were still with me -

"United 944 you still on?"

Reply "944 Negative"


Really didn't know how to answer that one! perhaps I should have said please come back!

Mumbai
 

After taxiing clear of the active at the far end of the airfield at oh-dark 30, there appeared to be an animal trotting along the taxiway, right on the centerline, like it was a path.
I said to my Captain: "Careful Pat, it looks as if there is a dog on the centerline up ahead."
It was comical. We watched him trot along for a while, watching him on the screens we use to taxi with, seemingly oblivious to the huge jet behind him.
Captain Pat:"That's not a dog, it's a goat!"
I advised ATC: "Mumbai ground it's ABCXXX on taxiway bravo proceeding to our gate. We are behind a -uh- goat that is walking on the taxiway... also heading for the terminal..."
Without any hesitation the Mumbai ground controller stated: "Very well, follow the goat!"
Unbeleiveable- but true.
Some airports have official looking "Follow Me" cars or trucks. Mumbai has a follow me GOAT!

That throwaway reply from the Mumbai controller reminds me of something that happened long ago at Edinburgh. A BEA Vanguard had just arrived and the crew had been made aware that they were the subject of a telephoned bomb threat.
"Tower, Speedbird XX where would you like me to park?"
ATC: "As far away from the tower as possible!"

These things were not taken so seriously in those days but there was a complaint and the culprit was admonished by the boss.

I struggled to get my radio technique up to scratch while doing my PPL. I was flying with my instructor and he was tuning me into various ATC establishments and making me practice pasing messages to 'real people' - not busy stations however. Anyway I heard one aircraft and station have a pefect exchange of information - the exchange was crisp, the information flowed at a good rate, in the right order and was completed efficiently and very little 'er, erring' in the messages. After they'd finished I turned to my instructor and said, slightly patronisingly, "ooo didn't he do that well" - with my thumb on the PPT. Change frequencey, move on...

Rising Ground
 

ambo xx: ambulance xx an i.f.rrrrrr king air at the eastern park, two p.o.b. in receipt of whiskey and requesting taxi.:ok:

ground: (pause)..... yes... taxi holding short delta.....(you could hear the smile):D

Heard today:


AC: "ABC Tower, KLMxxx."

TWR: "KLMxxx go-ahead."

AC: "This is my last flight before my holiday sir, it would be great if you could do something about our slot time of 1400."

TWR: "Ok, I'll see what I can do for you. Where are you going? Anywhere nice?"

AC: "Yes sir, I am going to this lovely place in the south of France."

TWR: "KLMxxx, new slot time... 1425."


TiP

yep
 

lucky he didn't ask why there were holes in the hill next to the RWY. :p

yep
 

... & direct vectors for finals :D

rome: "xxx contact Roberto on 127.35..."
a/c: roberto 127.35

a/c: ciao Roberto xxx FL350
rome2: .....silence.......radard contact xxxx

Shooting a practise ILS into Wichita Mid-Continent Intl on a quiet night some months ago with another pilot on the right seat who flew into that airport for the last 30 years:

ICT Approach just handed us over to tower, we called up and TWR came back:

Apache xxx did you receive your climb out instructions?

The pilot with me pushed the button and went off:

"Nope, approach was too lazy as usual, but I guess it's hdg 070 and 3000 ft."

I was kinda stunned about the response, especially the lazy part, but tower came back with "climb out instructions correct, you should work here part time"

Im currently working as a CFI in california and get to hear a whole bunch of funny things from both students and ATC.

A couple of weeks ago after landing on Victorvilles 15000ft of runway with our C172 my student contacted ground once of the runway.

"Victorville ground Cessna xx at E3 request taxi to the active"

"Cessna XX Victorville ground ehhhhh okey so do you need the taxi back for the full 15000 ft or is an intersection takeoff okey?"

My student started looking around and after a short pause "Well sir we wont need the full distance, could we depart from where we came instead?"

Ended up with a nice 270 departure over the boneyard of old airplanes :)


Another one was when I was heading back home with a student that had some troubles with the radio. At this point we were cruising along with our BE76 at 6000 ft at approximately 120kts direct to Mission Bay VOR when an Alaskan 737 checks in with similiar numbers on their callsign.

ATC: Alaskan 509 maintain 16000 ft, 180kts until mission bay expect the visual 27.

Radio scrambles a bit but before I hear a response from the Alaskan I hear a familiar voice reading back the clearence. I turn around and see my student looking at me with a confused face just as he finished replying to the clearence.
"He said mission bay but... now what?"

Haha I laughed, the controller laughed and the alaskan laughed. Made my day anyways. :p

YouTube - Funny KVNY (Van Nuys, CA) ATIS

Why can't the guys at my airport do this sometime?

Maastricht Radar
 

Heard on Maastricht when Viking XXX called in.

Viking: Maastricht good day Viking XXX FL 290 inbound (point)
ATC: Hello Viking XXX continue climb FL 350 be level within 8 minutes.
Viking: Climb FL 350 level within 8 Viking XXX
Pause
Viking: Maastricht Viking XXX it will be hard for us to reach 350 in 8
ATC: You can´t climb 6000 feet in 8 minutes? You are a 320 aren´t you
Viking: Yes but we are full
ATC: And confirm you have 2 engines?
Then there was just silence on the frequency for 1 minute until everything went back to normal.

/S

In the early '80's after a Junkers 52 was rebuilt it did a tour of European countries. I was watching on appr to LGW wnen the tower said

"Caledonian XXX cleared to line up after the landing Junkers"

Quick as a flash someone was on the radio with "Now that isn't something hear often these days"