25 June 2001, while on a VFR nav flight from Ft. Pierce (KFPR) to Naples (KAPF) in Florida:

Me: "Naples Tower, Cessna 623PA, is now 5 miles West, visual with the field, joining downwind".

TWR: "623PA, roger, report over the courthouse".

Me: "Er... :confused: where is the courthouse, for 623PA?"

TWR: "First time in Naples, eh? OK, 623PA, report left base runway 14" :ok:

Gentleman of Bavarian extraction is booking out over the 'phone:

ATC: .......and finally, could you give me the souls on board, time enroute and fuel endurance.

Pilot: 2 pob, 4 hours and vot else vos it?

ATC: the fuel endurance.

Pilot: Sorry, vot?

ATC: Fuel endurance, how much fuel do you have on board - hours?

Pilot: hours? no my name is Hanz...

This was a few years ago, I was a new CFI at a new airfield in a plane I'd only flown 2 or 3 times before with the Chief Pilot.

I was teaching the students a takeoff at a very busy airfield (Busiest single runway airport in the U.S. last time I checked).

"We use the rudder pedals to align ourself with the centerline, when we reach .. " etc etc through rotate. At this point I realized the normally very congested freq was silent...

Me: (release PTT)

ATC: Thank you for the wonderful takeoff lesson Nxxx

Me: You'll receive my bill at the end of the month. Please pay cash.

They still make fun of me for that one.

Heard at PHF, Va recently.


N..xx: 'Thanks for your help, guys...'


Tower: 'No trouble, N...xx. Tell all your friends.
Both of them.'

Although it wasn't meant to be funny at the time;

28 August 2003, flying a PA-28 to Chalons-Vatry (LFOK) in France:

Me: "Vatry Tower, good afternoon. Cherokee F-GIEQ, 15 nm south, inbound from Troyes at 3,000 ft, QNH 1023, request rejoin for one touch and go".

Chalons TWR: "Good afternoon F-EQ. Runway 10 is in use, RH circuit, report downwind for touch and go. One Air France 777 doing circuit practice, caution wake turbulence".

No sh!t...

Somebody sent this in an email to me btw.

Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."

From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."

From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:

French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."


A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"


Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:

"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"


Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"


Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"


"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"

(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)


From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...

Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."

I suspect that this may be old and probably re written but this is how it was told to me:

Chinese gentleman is doing his ATPL in the USA with an established operator prior to going on to fly Air China B747s or similar:

"xxx tower, N123 Rocariser estbrished"

"N123 tower roger, continue approach, request your intentions..."

"xxx tower loger, contnue apploach and say rast bit again?"

"N123 request your intentions..."

"Say again tower?..."

Experienced U.S pilot intervenes and trys to assist....

"N123 from United 234, the tower want to know what you are going to next..."

"Ah loger! When I finished, I go home and fry big jet for Air China!...":p

Re: Bless GA
 

Flying at that glider site (Aston Down) I can confirm that, and worse, happens only too frequently. Point of confusion is that the two fields have vaguely similar runways and are only 4 miles apart.

A couple of weeks ago a helicopter approached the control tower (i.e. the clubhouse) and buzzed around it like a wasp around a jam jar. He had the decency to phone up and apologise.

I've watched a GA plane line up and overfly the double decker bus, then realise Something Isn't Right, and do a circuit of the field rolling their wings left and right. Clearly the mental process is "where the hell am I".

Club legend has it that a B52 once lined up on the 6000' runway, before realising its mistake. However, the photo of the A320 parked outside the hangers is definitely a fake :)

The worst-case scenario is that a glider is going up on the winch on runway 21, when a GA plane overflies runway 09. As long as there isn't a collision, we theorise the glider would be OK; the GA plane might be sliced in two by the cable, but that's another issue.

Haha Nik! good one :P

A Polish controller applied for one of the conversion courses at Eurocontrol. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "He was my Supervisor in Warsaw!"





good luck with the transfer guys

Lon More, you made my day. :D

While working on my PPL(H), I was flying mostly in the early mornings, and got in a habit when I made my initial calls. Trying to be polite/pleasant with the controllers, I would start my call with a quick "Good Morning, Hillsboro Tower.....".

This was all fine and good, until I started to fly some later blocks in the day. At first it was just somewhat humorous, take off in the morning, my instructor would spend the next hour turning me around, challenging me, and sometimes I would forget that we were returning and it was afternoon. I was still making my calls "Good Morning Hillsboro Tower.....". Occasionally, the tower would make a quick correction, and a quick laugh was had by all.

Anyways, just after I had gotten my PPL(H), and was back after a couple weeks off, my instructor and I went out for a quick flight. I proceeded to our spot on the ramp, and finished my checks. Just as I am about to make my call, my instructor looks over, and jokingly says, "just remember, it's afternoon already".

Right.

Me: "Good Afternoon Hillsboro Tower, Helicopter XXXX at HAI with Bravo, requesting a south departure."

Tower (sounded like he was almost laughing): "Good Morning Helicopter XXXX, cleared for a south departure."

My instructor and I just looked at each other, and I tried not to chuckle while giving me readback.

I think they are making fun of me. :ouch:

Overheard recently


twr: ABC , Rotorua Tower
ABC : ABC request taxi Rotorua, with information India, 1014, POB 1


I missed the rest , due to nearby laughter


Callsign changed to protect the distracted ( after all, while the humor deserves to be shared, there is no point slamming the poor guy too much )

Heard today...

Heli calls up low level and as usual due to a bloody great big hill, we can't talk to him ....

ATC: Heli803 Could you relay traffic on yourself to low level company traffic G-XXXC
(Heli Relays - sterling effort, even got the QNH in, and then does it again off his own back to another A/C)

ATC: Heli803, thanks for that, if you would take a pay cut we could get you a job :ok: :}

Lon More. No doubt you know Les West?? On the day of his last medical just before retirement he popped downstairs to the medical centre and had a mooch around. When the doc came to give him his eye test he asked Les to read to lowest line and Les said "10CA 234567". He'd mugged up the reference number of the sight test box and "read" the numbers, which were about 1/4" high!!! The doc was initially amazed.... but he knew Les and soon fell about!

Brussels east controller calling to Maastricht Brussels south sector, where a female controller picks up the phone:

"SWR123 is requesting FL250 only for the cruise. Do you accept him at this level, it will be quite a pain in the ass?"

The lady, giggling: "yes of course, I'll take it!"

And that's when my colleague realised what he had just said...

You got to love the new instant replay function on our phone system!

Happens to me few weeks ago...

Me: AircraftABC climb to and maintain FL330, further climb in 4 minutes due to opposite traffic above.
Pil: Climb to FL330, AircraftABC.
...
(STCA advisory on my radar due to high rate of climb)
Me: AircraftABC maintain FL330 when reaching opposit traffic above.
Pil: Maintain FL330 when reaching, AircraftABC.
...
(C Mode on my radar display FL320)
Pil: Approaching FL330 for higher, AircraftABC. :ugh:
Me: I SAY AGAIN, MAINTAIN! Traffic above, 12 o'clock, 6 miles opposite direction.
Pil: ...Traffic in sight and on TCAS... AircraftABC!
Other Pil on frequency: You're damn stupid!
Another different voice: Oh, yes you are!

:D:D

Philly Tower...
 

I am not a controller, but heard this chap in Philly, then found this. I think he has a wonderful sense of humor.. Hope you enjoy. Furthermore, click on the New York grd controller, thats funny too..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE

I was under dual on tower having reloacted to a new station, a DH8C just completing his landing roll reported a bird strike on landing, an A319 hot on his heels on final approach.
Wild life control was on the ball and immediately called me and said the aircraft had struck a stork, but it was lying clear of the runway.
ATC: "ABC123 the preceeding DH8C had a birdstrike on landing, there may be some remains on the runway, are you happy to continue?"
"ABC123, that all depends, are the remains from the bird or the DH8C?"
:D

Sitting in the bowels of the ATC centre, but gin clear day outside, BA flight calls up but not yet seen on radar. When he eventually appears on radar:

ATC: I can see you now, squawk****
BA: Roger, **** coming down, I can see you too
ATC: Is that you wearing a white shirt?
BA: No, I'm wearing a jumper - that's my mate you can see

Now that's bloody funny!!!!!!! I cracked up!!! :ok: :)

Qn A-model Jetranger (i.e. underpowered at best of times) without a rotor brake (i.e. wait for ages for everything to stop spinning on shutdown) at a South of England aerodrome, on their Air Day, on the hottest day of the year (even less power !).

Calling for start, having been turned down on several occasions due to various things:

"XXX Tower - JetRanger would like to request callsign change to 'Optimist' and then request a start".

Les West Eye Test
 

Heathrow Director - that's a goodun, never knew that happened! I'll mention it to Les when I see him next (son of Les) :ok:

Bren, the name is familiar, but can't place him.

Wish I'd thought of that on my last medical though

happened today a small cherokee with student pilot just after touchdown

ATC: 9***** where are you parking?
9****: I don't know, just to tie up. anywhere
ATC: 9***** taxi to anywhere

on starting again
"Tower 9***** is at anywhere request taxi to active"

"SWR123 is requesting FL250 only for the cruise. Do you accept him at this level, it
 

lucky u for getting away scotfree:D:D

Listeining to that it is hardly surprising that US controllers complain about foreign pilots not understanding them!

Beaver and Basset-much loved old aircraft!
 

Female controller somewhere in the south.
On landline to me (for traffic info).... "Has anyone seen my Beaver"????

Was on a quiet friday afternoon and the speaker was on--much laughter was heard from the approach room!!

Also a landline call from approach to tower...
Whats the Basset doing ??
tower replies........ All sorts!!!

They dont make um like that any more lol:D

"X, Stand Y, Request push and start"

"X, Push and start approved, stand Y"

"Push and start approved, we may be a little slow pushing back, it's a women tug driver, X"

:}

spent the last 3 days (on and off) reading all 52 pages and ive had some good laughs! Of course it would only be 32 pages if there werent 15 reposts of the Frankfurt 1944 joke and the scottish air traffic controllers video!!!!

Looking forward to posting some of my own experiences in a few months when I start training!

Keep it up guys and gals :ok:


JB

thanks guys some really funny stuff
keep them coming:D

Heard recently at work:

Pilot: "Good morning XXXX Approach, XXX with you level 160. Request your latest surface data please?"

App/Twr: "XXX, XXXX Approach good morning. Descend to 7000', QNH 1013. Current surface data; (controller procedes to read out the METAR)

Once the acft had landed and off loaded pax, etc. The pilot called for start again.

Pilot: "XXXX Twr, XXX requesting start and your latest surface data please?"

Stumped, the cotroller turned to me to confirm the ATIS was working. And yes, the ATIS was fully fuctional.

Twr: "XXX, are you not picking up the ATIS?"

Pilot: "Oh:ooh:...haven't tried that one yet:rolleyes:!"

LOL .. Good stuff.. :ok: kepp them coming.

Blackwater
 

In the old days reporting points had real names! In Eire we had Eagle Island and another on a route was Blackwater.

A/C report 'Flightxxx reporting over Eagle Island time yy Fl330 next position Blackwater'

Controller 'Roger Flight xxx next report passing Blackwater'

Flightxxx ' Mister if I pass blackwater I'll holler'

Happened to me a number of years ago. I was posted at a quiet procedural station.

Pilot: first contact "TWR.......... er... Reportmy postion"

Me: "Last caller say your callsign"

Pilot: "Er ..ABC, request my position"

I explained that as a procedural staion I was unable to see him on radar however I'd give the nearby sector a call and see if they could and get back to him.

Me: "ABC, adjacent sector advises they have to on radar 25nm SE of my field, 5 500feet... Do you need some assistance?"

Pilot: "copied..."

DEAD SILENCE

Pilot: "TWR, report YOUR position!"

I had to bite my tongue...

I can see the chimneys
 

overheard on radio several years ago, a PPL doing a jaunt around the area after requesting clearance back to Dublin airport and answering a query re his location by saying he was overhead Dublin port and lining up for RW34.
(The 'chimneys' are in Dublin port and are a marker for RW34.)
ATC; Have you the chimneys in sight?
PPL; I have the 2 chimneys in sight.
ATC then got him to do 2 right turns and announced 'Those chimneys you see are the Drogheda Cement works'
( Drogheda cement works is 50 odd km north of Dublin and their chimneys are about 200m shorter and 80m wider than the power station in Dublin port)

Aircraft X calls for push at lgw.

told to hold by atc for a 737 with a tech prob, 737 says he needs 30 secs to clear it.

about a minute latter,

aircraft X calls up once again "im not been funny but how much longer do i need to wait"

737 "about 10 seconds"

airline x eventually cleared to push, but moans "that was 5 minutes we have been waiting"

unknown (prob airline x) - lots of moaning

unknown "someone needs a cuddle!"

ATC Training
 

Pilot: "Praha Radar, BAW1023 requesting further descent!"
ATC: "BAW1023, expect TCAS descent in 2 minutes."

A light aircraft inbound, IFR, to Rand Airport, south west of Johannesburg Intl.

Hoping that he would see the field and continue his descent VFR, clear of the final approach vectoring area for Jo'burg, I ask him ...

"ZS-xxx, what are your in flight conditions?"

A/C responds, "Everything is hunky dory thank you"
:ugh:

Friends, I thought that 1st of April was a few weeks ago.

http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/05/swiss-man-strap.html

I can recall the voice of an instructor:
"What is the name of this separation, sir?"