I hope one day I'll understand atleast one of these ATC jokes.. fingers crossed anyway. Stage one coming soon. :)

Frensh Accent melts female Controller
 

i'm cracking up.
Its 08 and it sitll happens at vero beach.

Not a dialog, but an amusing ATC video on YouTube:

YouTube - Highly Skilled Air Traffic Controller

G-AB - "Tower, what time are you closing?"

Tower [laconic] - "When you land"

G-AB - "G-AB final, touch and go"

Tower - "G-AB cleared to land, surface wind..."

I should have come on this topic earlier...

I'll start with a cheater...

Tower (me) : "ABC, continue ILS Approach, reduce to minimal approach speed"

ABC : "We have already minimal speed"

Tower : "For information, you have two heavy lined up ahead for departure on the rwy..."

ABC : "Roger, reducing speed"

:rolleyes:

You've got to laugh about it!
 

Had a bit of a mess up today on the RT with Scottish Information!

I was flying an aircraft G-ABCD then another aircraft G-AFCD came on to the same frequency also.

I was aware of this and was told by ATC

"G-ABCD, please use full call-sign whilst transimitting, another very similar call-sign is on the frequency"
My reply was "Will use full call-sign G-ABCD when transmitting, G-CD *pause* err G-ABCD!!!"

Thought i would share it with you all!

Indian Carrier (say it again airlines!!), transiting the airspace the other day...

ATC - "ABC123 cleared x,y and z"

Pilot - "Roger sir, cleared direct z"

ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y, and z"

Pilot - "Affirm Sir, cleared x, then z"

ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y then z"

Pilot - "Roger, cleared x, ....eeerrrrr...say again pleez".....

Approx 5 transmissions later......we got it.....

Local Pilot in southern american drawl comes on and says..."did you guys just launch to the moon!!!!!"......:D:D:D

By the way...anyone see the moon wobble last night????....Gulfnews: Moon landing sparks celebrations in India

Expecting a departure from Leipzig which needed to be cleared in the upper airspace, callsign World WOAxxxx, I receive a call from the Bremen radar:

Bremen: hello, something for the world?
me:...peace, love and understanding?
bremen:........................................
me: you mean the world xxxx?
bremen: affirm (not very amused, I must add)

cheers,
A.

Management can be funny
 

I was recently asked if I wouldn't mind awfully taking a 40% pay cut and doing some extra hours? :=

Made me laugh anyway....

"OAL417, climb to FL417" :ugh::D:ugh:

A citation XL 5 miles south of london city calls to join VFR at when city tower reply "G-ABCD you are number two to a fokker 50, report when you have the fokker in sight"

LTN Radar: "ABC reduce to minimum approach speed or less."

ABC: "Will minimum approach spped do?"

:ok:

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c2...ges/london.jpg

London City's new Controller rest room has been designed to comply with SCRATCOH requirements...

Man, I've read all 57 pages. Took me like 3 days! haha
Good ones! :):D

Received in my inbox today, some are on here already, I'm sure some are urban myths but hey lets not allow the truth to spoil the fun :ok:

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 11/2008


Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"************************************************************ **************************************Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************************ **************************************O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."************************************************************ ************************A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."************************************************************ ***************************************A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."************************************************************ **************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"************************************************************ *****************************************One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."************************************************************ **************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurtground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************************ ************************************* While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the i rate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Loving this thread. Takes me back many, many years to when I used to man co.freq. 131.8 (Bealine London)for the then BEA flight ops. This was operated by both a button on the mike and, for hands free, a floor switch. How many times was I caught out by someone asking me some very personal question about my sex life and wondering why they were giggling, till I saw the red TX light on the set glowing and shoved their foot off the floor switch !!!!! :\

Only posted about 20 times before.

In the same style.
Friend of mine told me about her school mate who went into radio news coverage.
One of her first assignments was to cover a local stunt kite display.
Live, on air, she asked one of the group...............

"So how long have you been flying these stite c***s " !!!:ugh::\

Just heard,

Kennedy Tower, Confirm we are cleared to land 22L. Jetblue xxx?

Affirmative, Jetblue xxx

Thanks, too much turkey last night. Jetblue xxx

Leo:)

General naughtiness... (controller is female by the way, and anonymous voice is male!)

Easter Sunday:

Pilot: "Tower, any good news on my slot?"
ATC: "Negative, still 20 minutes for start. Sorry."
Pilot: "This is boring."
ATC: "Affirm. I could be at home eating an Easter Egg right now."
.
.
.
Long silence.
.
.
.
Anonymous voice: "You could suck my eggs anytime".

A couple of months ago after my first solo x-country flight in Italy I did use English phraseology for practice, which is not really appreciated by ATCOs as I increase their workload.

After landing TWR came over with the following:

"I-IABS on ground at xx..ehm are you a military pilot?"

"Ehm.. on ground at xx ... and negative just a student!!"

I had a good laugh and did smile for some time. (had only 17 flight hours at the time)

:)

Sorry to ask, but...
...what's the funny part of it? :suspect:

It was funny at the time as I just achieved an important step of my flight training and I was asked with such a strange question. I still don't understand why, but I guess it was because I was using English phraseology and they were not used to! (it's an intl airport).

Probably it's more funny when I fly VFR in Italy using English RT and the guys at the other side of the mike get annoyed and switch to italian :ugh:

I was just sharing my personal experience :p

You don't like it? you skip it.

Not as funny as some other ones, but at least it's original
 

As a student pilot, I had my share of radio blunders. Here is one.

I'm returning to my home base on the last leg of my first solo cross-country. Due to stronger winds than predicted, later start than anticipated, and lower a/c performance than published, the flight has taken longer than I thought it would. I realize that I might end up cutting it a little too fine with respect to the search and rescue time, so I decide to call up a flight information centre, give them a position report and a new ETA.

Me: London Radio, this is C-XXXX, position report.
London Radio: C-XXXX, go ahead.
Me: London Radio, C-XXXX is on a VFR flight plan, en route to so-and-so airport, at such-and-such altitude, over such-and-such town, yada-yada-yada (where yada-yada-yada is the rest of the relevant details)
London Radio: Roger.

So far so good, and I should have just stopped there, of course, but because this is the first time I strayed any distance from my controlled homebase, that exchange just didn't feel right. Before this flight, talking to someone on the ground equalled talking to the ATC, and the voice on the other end always gave me instructions at the end! Plus, that last "Roger" didn't sound like an end to a conversation; the intonation seemed to be implying that there was more for me to say... and I already said everything I thought I was supposed to. So, knowing full well that I'm doing something kinda dumb, I keyed the mike and meekly asked:

Me: Um, London radio... is there anything you would like me to do?

If I were London radio people, I probably would have said something along the lines of "draw me a bath". But they seemed perplexed, not amused, by my silly question, and just mumbled something along the lines of "Um, no, C-XXXX, it's all good, have a good flight".

Happened in the Seventies:

Lufthansa XXX contacts Zürich Radar.

Pilot: Zurich Radar, LH XXX, good morning, FL290, estimating Trasadingen at 45.
Controller: Good morning LH XXX, proceed via Amber 9, maintain FL 290 and report Trasadingen.
Pilot: Roger LH XXX, maintaining 290 and call you Trasadingen.
Controller: Negative, call me Leo and report Trasadingen.

Not my story (taken from eddh.de), but one of the best I read so far.

Ask-21 Heavy
 

More humorous than intentional humour although the BA captains' comments are shall we say tinged with a hint of sarcasm. Both times I am listening to ATC as family on board and want to be sure they get away ok.

It’s late at night about 2330 in Bermuda in the 1980s. Kindley Field (BDA was a US Naval Air Station doubling as a civil airport had US Military controllers handling the civil fights. The 5 times a week BA Tri-Star is the last (only) night departure and has just pushed back.

'BA 2233 ready for taxi ' says a very British voice
No answer
Again BA 2233 etc etc .....repeats 4 times in fact
Fifth time a very exasperated BA 'Captain Speaking' voice calls the tower frequency to complain that he is the only aircraft on the field and why isn't he being answered.
Tower explains – ‘Oh we did not answer as we have flashed you a green signal light’. You can sense the stunned reaction on the flight deck and several seconds elapse before before, ‘Well , I am afraid we Brits have moved on a bit since signal lights and I would like a proper taxi clearance please!!!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other hand people can talk a little too much (though there was not much to do on the nightshift in Bermuda Tower)

BA Tri Star 'Bermuda Tower BA2233 for Airways clearance please'

(excuse me if I have the reporting points wrong)

Tower 'BA2233 is cleared to London Heathrow Airport climbing ahead to 2000ft then enroute via FLANN, TARGA 35N 50W ( then all the Oceanic reports are listed) Lands End ,Sampton, Midhur..... at which point BA interrupts with ‘ errr Yes I think we can just about manage to find our own way from there thank you'

PB

from personal experienece just few meeks ago.
TWR: set squawk 6747
PILOt: roger squawk 6748
TWR: If u'll manage to set squawk 6748, just leave it
looooooong silence
Hopefully I was ATCO :)

Asked outbound United today for his estimate for the FIR boundary (approximately 500nm to the boundary). Pilot needs to check and comes back with 'United XXX ahh ....one second (while he looks it up)
Qantas wit dives in " Jeez thats quick"

An American tramp freighter departing Rome some years ago:

ATC: Freightdog 123, president.

A/C: Um say again? <franticly reviewing NOTAMs during climb>

ATC: Freightdog 123, president.

A/C: Say again please?

ATC: On your transponder, press ident.

In a complex airspace as the Belgian east sectors, things sometimes get even more complicated by the fact that Flemish and French speaking controllers are working together...

Situation:
Three French speaking controllers (trainee, instructor and planning) at the sector, trainee is holding the mike. Flight ANE8283 comes up on the radar, and since we don't see those very often, he asks the planning controller if he knows the callsign. Planning controller, helpful as he is, sais: 'oh, that's "EZEL"' (since ANE is French for donkey, and donkey in Flemish is EZEL).

On first contact, the trainee replies with: 'EZEL 8283, radar contact!'

It only took him a few extra seconds to realize his mistake...:rolleyes:

One from my own personal experience.

EZY a/c departs early morning. Routine runway insection finds the departing a/c hit a bird on departure. I relay message to pilot through neighbouring sector, he seems fine. Later on in day whilst on Ground the same a/c came in taxiing back to stand. Pilot informs me he was pilot of bird stike flight from earlier in the day and asked me:

Pilot: 'Ground, EZYxxx, hi, we were the ones who struck the bird on departure this morning, dont suppose you know what type of bird it was do you? For form-filling'
Me (having found out a few hours earlier it was a very strange sounding bird that i'd never heard of): 'Ezyxxx, affirm, it was called a "xxxxxx' (cant remember name anymore)
Pilot: 'oooh sounds rare..'
Me: 'Even rarer now!!' :}

I thought was funny...thats all that matters

It's cruel I know, but one should never pass up the opportunity to welcome an FNG (... new guy) by taking advantage of their lack of experience.


Twr calls approach at Jhb International (it's name has changed several times, but at least this one had a location in it) and says some guy wants to join VFR, what would I like them to squawk.

I naturally answer 2909.

"ZSABC, squawk 2909"
"But M'am it's too high"
"Ok, squawk 2908"

She didn't find it as amusing as me, I suppose it's also 'cos I bring it up after a few libations, which is after morning shifts, most evenings and weekends.

Also, British Global freighters fly in from time to time, their designator being BGB. Again the Tower FNG asks what their callsign is, and I reply, "It's BUGBEAR". I'm sure you can guess the rest.

Heard on Amsterdam delivery. Delta pilot attempting to readback clearance:

Delta XX: "That's a BERGI....er....um......can't read my writing"
ATC: "That's ok, as long as you can fly the plane, that's what's important! Call ground for pushback [etc, etc]"

I love the Dutch approach to ATC; heard an inbound aircraft one day ask if there was any speed restriction to which the controller replied, "No Sir, you can go as fast as you dare!"

yeah I like dutch as well,the other day, ACFT: Turkish xxx maintaining 300 kt fl 070.
ATC: Turkish xxx very good:p

About Amsterdam ATC
 

... check this out! :ok:

dutch controllers are well funny!

YouTube - Funny ATC - Air Traffic Controller at Amsterdam Schiphol

a/p disconnected:pyeah we'll try to stop it:D

heard this recently when talking to Scottish....

ATC - "Ryanair123 cleared direct XXXX"
RYR - "Cleared...erm did you mean to say XXX?"
ATC - "Yes sir, well done your great and im just rubbish!! Your cleared direct XXX!"