Someone posted this on studentpilot.com today.

Was flying around Angola a few years back. We were with Luanda control who were trying thier utmost to control various russian aircraft who's english was not great.

Luanda CTL : RA**** say your DME.
RA****: Luanda my DME 1000 rate of foot.



On another occasion flying from FAGG to FACT we were in a 727 at FL280 going into a 40knot Head wind. SAA 737 at FL 260 same routeand just behind us. Capetown ATC ask us our ground speed:

Me: 450 kts
Cpt ATC: Springbok *** say your ground speed
SAA: 380 kts so don't worry we will not catch the 727. {said with attitude}
Me: Capetown would you like me to start my number 3 engine to increase our separation.

SAA was very quiet after that but the ATC thaught it was funny.

ct

There must be a thousand variation on the 'phantom aircraft prank' but the one I saw was very nicely done from the comfort of the runway inspection vehicle.

The pranksters sat in the parked vehicle with the engine roaring (for that authentic aircraft sound) while they used the vehicle VHF and watched the confusion in the tower through binoculars.

They gave a couple of position reports and watched as the assistant went across to the teletype looking for the missing flight plan, they asked for clearance to land which they got, then asked for taxi clearance which they got while watching 3 or 4 people in the tower scan the runways looking for the aircraft. They asked if it was "OK to park here?" and watched as people came out of the tower and walked all around the outer balcony searching for the aircraft. They got an answer along the lines of "Park any of the marked positions".

The ATCOs said nothing about the incident to anyone but for months afterwards the callsign of the phantom aircraft could be heard wispered in bars and parties.

I had recently got my PPL at a non-ATC airfield. I went on to do my night rating at Bournemouth, it was getting closer to summer and Bournmouth closed at 9pm. I had to do 5 more full stop landings to get my night rating, and it was only getting dark later and later, each flight I did, I only got in one Stop n go due to other traffic. On the last possible night of flying (sun set was 20:40 and curfew was 9pm) I managed to taxi and get airbourne just on darkness, with my instructors words ringing in my ears 'Make sure you are on the deck before 9pm, if 400 pounds a minute after 9pm', which shouldn't have been a problem as I only had one more landing to go to get the endorsement.

Anyway, as i was about to turn base, ATC asked me to orbit while they bought in an RPT, fine, it was a nice night and the lights of Bournemouth and the Solent spreadout were a pleasant site. Something must have happened at Southhampton, because suddenly he kept moving other aircraft from southhampton into Bournemouth ahead of me saying 'Sorry G-XYZ, you are now number two...then sorry XYZ, now number three..'. No problem all this orbiting at night is probably a good experience right?

It gets to 20:58, and its all gone quite on the RT, 20:59..Bournemouth says 'XYZ are you coming down tonight or are you staying up there until morning?'

Oops, I make like a stuka and get on the ground a minute or so past 9pm, remembering that I was actually allowed to contine the approach after all the other aircraft had landed.

....
 

This one is all fresh out of the tower (and it's even my own mistake!):

"LN-XXX make a LEFT three-sixty to the RIGHT!.... My instructor almost fell to the floor laughing :D

/TH

yeah,that's a good one :}:}

One day in EHAM/AMS:
Speedbird is on her way to terminal after landing. Then ATC calls:
GND: Speedbird XXX hold position at [...], your gate is still occupied.
A/C: Roger, holding position.
After a while:
A/C: Do you have any idea how long it may take?
GND: They reported to be ready in two minutes.
A/C: Ok, thanks.
GND: But you never know - these are pilot's minutes...

Madame to Madam to Ma'am (Unfunny Response to Request for Advice)
 

Madame is the French and equivalent of Madam, with the stress on the other syllable.

Over beer, wine and/or whiskey, just tell them the ladies would be flattered to be called "Madame".

Once you've jumpstarted the process, the stress will shift to the right syllable and then you could nudge it along later on in the camaraderie by using Ma'am in their presence. Then all you have to do is wait until their look of confusion transmutes into a question.


You can then impress them with the word "elision" which is the techie term for skipping the "d" (or other bits and pieces of words and phrases).

Enjoy!

Flying through Syrian airspace used to require pilots to advise ATC of aircraft type and registration.. for the purposes of overflight charges.

Story goes, an American carrier overflying at 0200 in the morning

Syrian Controller - A/c XXXX confirm you are a B767, registration N12345A?

A/C - (Slow American Drawl)..... Man, you got good eyes. :cool:

a real good one:)

A quiet time in North Queensland, Australia

ATC "FKG advise intended cruise speed"

VH-FKG ".70 Mach"

Long pause, then a Twin Otter pilot on the frequency who obviously knows the controller comes in with the unsolicited information, "Centre, TGC, we're cruising at Mach .255"

ATC "Ah, ... TCG, thanks very much. How long did that take you to work out?"

TGC "A little while, but we've got plenty of time to contemplate such things up here in the 'Otter!"

Heard on Dublin Freq. today.

Midland: "Eh, we're getting some music on the freq. here."
Dub: "Yeah, we've been getting reports of that alright. The music any better?"

Few mins later>>>

Midland: (very serious tone) "It seems like choir music or church music."
Dub: (mocking) "Eh, yeah, you'll be hitting Motown in a minute."

Yesterday, I Had an Air Baltic come on frequency and as a Direct I asked him if he had XXX further along in his flight plan.

me: "Airbaltic yyy do you have the point XXX further along after DETNI?"

"standby.....(pause) ah negative, no XXX"

"Ok what about ZZZ"?

"Standby.....ah no we don't have that either sorry"

"Ok maybe you have AAA(sounding hopeful)"?

"Standby.....(excitement from the cockpit) AH YES we are having that point!"

"Oh thank goodness, we could have been here all night! proceed now to AAA"

"(amidst laughs) Direct AAA thank you very much!"

Vnukovo ground: " VJ-XXX taxi holding point 24 via taxi-way 14, M1, follow the leader van."

VJ-XXX: " Ok vee vill taxi point 24 via 14, M1 and vee vill follow ze LITTLE van."

ATC: "What is your height and position"

A/C: "I'm 6'2" and I'm sitting in the cock-pit"

Jeeezz, smith, I think I first heard that in the 60s!!

I think Wilbur said it to Orville.:)

Or was it Pontius?

You need to freak out - this is the ATC HUMOUR forum!!!!

Good luck anyway

Pontius may well have said it to Mortus.

I see the Paddy Factor at work again, Abz217.:8

Sort of fits in this thread...

Exchange between NASA controllers and Apollo 11 just before the Eagle takes off from the moon to come home:

NASA: "Our guidance recommendation is PNGCS, and you're cleared for take off"
Buzz Aldrin: "Roger, understand we are number one on the runway"

HD, I think you need to freak out too :ok:

Was watching Airplane last week and that was one of the jokes. Made me chuckle anyway, so thought I'd share it with the pprune faithful.

I know its an old joke but as far as I know its not been used on this thread and the title of the thread is NOT "New or current ATC humour" anyway. :D

He he

Not really my experience, but I heard it at work...

The atco was vectoring for ILS. The ac was given the intercept heading with instructions to report established on the loc.
The ac went straight through and the pilot reported:
"We are going through the loc, but correcting"
Apparantly too much, he overshoots again.
Finally when established the atco asks: "What happened there?"
Pilot: "I'm sorry, I am a bit high on speed".

Apologies if this has been posted before but dont have time to check every page !!

An old one I remember being reported I think in the Daily Telegraph. BA (BEA?) Trident inbound to Heathrow running low on fuel requests priority approach.

Controller: BA XXX confirm your endurance

Trident (mishearing the request): Well I'm with the Prudential and the Trident is with Lloyds I think.

Flying back to Rotterdam from Biggin Hill in my little 152 on Sunday, I overheard another SEP informing London Info that he'd be climbing to FL1000. We all wish him luck.

Air traffic to jet about to establish on the localiser:-

ATC- Speedbird XXX can i turn you on at 3 miles?

Jet- Madam, you may certainly try..

---

ATC- piper can you turn left and report your heading?

Piper- 340, 341, 342, 343...

---

ATC- Speedbird XXX, you are number 3 of 2 for the approach..

Jet- thats ok, 5 out of 3 pilots cant count!

---

ATC- Globemaster, can you just confirm the reg/callsign of your wingman?

Globemaster- erm.. Sir we are a 1 aircraft flight...

Silence...

ATC- Ooh you have traffic :)

---

On a more serious note i know of a pilot who called up Manston tower asking to land immediately, when asked to elaborate he said there was 17 tons of TNT onboard, and the aircraft was on fire!

I see the Piper pilot also can't tell left from right....

Attentive as always, Scooby Don't! :E:D

Rubbing it in
 

Apparently the Qantas flight from EGLL yesterday was allocated squawk 2121 and asked to repeat it at every handover...:D

(And before anyone complains, shamelessly ripped from a post on Flyer...)

Nice try, but this squawk is allocated to Amsterdam :)

they had to specially request it be reallocated for the day, but this did happen :ok:

Probably all the way to the London FIR boundary

Code allocation is computer generated, google ORCAM if you want to know more; anyway, apart from a few tossers:suspect: who gives a :mad: for cricket?

ALL of Oz....rather "more" than a few.........
bb

Mistaken Identity
 

My callsign is C-FUCH.

Some years ago:

Me: "Lethbridge Radio, this is Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Hotel"

Lethbridge (female operator): "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, Lethbridge"

Me "Was that a Feudian slip madam?"

Lethbridge: Silence.

And:

Me: "Palm Beach Departure, Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Hotel with you out of two thousand"

PBI: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, roger, climb an maintain 5 thousand"

Me: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie HOTEL, up to 5"

PBI: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, proceed direct Freeport"

Me: "Direct Freeport, and before we part company, I'm determined you're going to get my callsign right"

PBI: "Uniform Charlie Kilo, roger"

Female voice on PBI frequency: "I'm his supervisor, and he sure is going to get it right Sir"

Another German One
 

ATC: "Lufthansa 123, Preston" (Yes, it wasn't yesterday)

Silence

ATC: "Lufthansa 123, Preston Airways, do you read?"

Silence

ATC: "Lefthansa 123, this is Preston Airways on 123 decimal 4, how do you read?"

Silence, then

Unknown: "Vi haff vays off making you tokk"

Okay, Google didn't help me with this one, so I gotta ask...

Something to do with Cricket and a bowl of ashes I think. England won the series 2-1

ex-egll

Whilst on the topic of Qantas...

''Speedbird XXX, give way to the Qantas A380 right to left''

''Roger, we'll give way to the block of flats... Speedbird XXX''

Last month I was doing MACC North Tac when Leeds ring, the Planners busy so I answered:

" Hi Leeds, Manch North"
" Hi Manch, can you tell BEExxx thats just departed that after him we did a runway inspection and found a dead plumber on the runway! We think its him thats done it" - I just laughed, then they say "Its a bird by the way"

So, I try and collect myself for 4000ft of the BEE's climb before saying:
"BEExxx message from Leeds, they've found a dead plumber on the runway and they think its you thats killed him"
"Ahhhhh BEExxx roger, we'll take a look when we land", then 5 seconds later he goes "I'd have expected a Sparkie but not a plumber"
By this time we're all laughing so I reply:
"That'll teach him for digging up the drains at the wrong time"

Few minutes later its time to chuck him
"BEExx contact manchester, 128.050"
"Roger, 128.050, we'll try not to kill anymore tradesmen enroute"
Im pissing myself by now and squeek out something along the lines of
"It's the chippies you've got to watch, they're lethal"

Then 30 secs later Leeds ring:
"Tell the BEE it wasn't him that killed the plumber it was someone else"

We tried explaining it to West but it all got too much

Watch out for joiners at Wallasey ...