Nah, it's just that we've heard them all before ;)

Speed Contro;
 

Either that or they are too embarrassed to admit to making any. :E

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

XXX air force
 

A real one from somewhere in Europe :

ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force do you read ?
XXX AF : sure, why ?
ATC : we tried to call you several times...
XXX AF : oh, you know, we are not always in the cockpit...

:)

Almost thought Atc and humour a contradiction in terms.
 

Heard personally this week " **** you are cleared take off,wind calm.Gusting 15kts, er if you know what l mean"
:)

This week at N Weald.....

Me on me way back to af late evening really nice 10 miles out nothing heard on freq for a good 10 mins.

Get Airfield details from Weald and reply to " no reported traffic, "

"Great the sky is mine" loving the exclusive pleasure of a great flight like this only to hear.....

...." Oh no it's not " and subsequent details passed....

"Stole his thunder there Sir. " came the usually cool reply from NW a/g.



He did but i found him and beat him to the field giving him a wave and a roll.

Must have been the sun......:}

He did not wave back tho so either he did not see me or he is not as much of a funny guy as his initial transmission suggests......:)



luv

f

You've got to be kidding? :confused: :D

I've only made one embarrassing mess up on the radio :-) - well I never said i made only one mess up, just only one EMBARRASSING one. It was talking to the military, asking for clearance, on my QXC...
Military: What's your max altitude
Me (thinking, crazily enough, that they meant my ceiling!): 10,000 feet
Military (through laughter): Well you won't be going up THERE!

On another instructional flight we were taxiing onto the runway after a citation had landed - and after it, between us and the citation, a C152 had taken off.
ATC (to us): caution wake turbulence
Neh, it's the first time I ever heard of wake turbulence from a C152...
Citation pilot: Are you calling me FAT?

And more recently, when taking off...
King Air pilot: ...inbound to the field
ATC: ...join right downwind for 25... traffic is XXX rolling on 25
pilot: ...joining right downwind for 25, traffic copied, will try not to hit him!!!

So this is how things are done in Scotland. :p

Be careful xetroV, the PC police from Swanwick will be paying you a visit

XetroV,

"Youve taken that too far"!!! :} :}

Nice one!! :D

Overheard at JHB Intl

Russian IL76 pilot taking a while to wind the old smoking engines of his huge plane up to take off power, while tower clears a springbok (SAA) 737 to line up behind.

Springbok : " Clear to line up behind old smoky"

Russian - as he slowly levitates his big machine off the runway trailing smoke :" Wone day wen you arr beeg you can smoke too..."



Tower : " abc turn base behind the Cherokee ahead of you ..:

Proud pilot in aircraft ahead: " Hey I'm not a cherokee I am a Seneca "

Tower : " Roger turn base behind the twin cherokee..:

Heard yesterday on Dublin ATIS:

Here is Dublin ATIS information Victor recorded at ..............bla bla bla
.............advise on initial contact that you have listened to information Victor. Operational information for pilots. Munster have won the Heineken Cup by four points.

gave traffic on a Siai Marchetti 205 joining the circuit in front of another a/c & the pilot of the second A/c asked what's that?
I replied...an Italian cherokee
the SM pilot complained and quoted a number of advanced features that set his aircraft apart
To cut to the chase I asked:-
is it single engine...yes
is it low wing...yes
is it 4 seat...yes
...it's an italian cherokee!!:) :) :)

A while back there was some runway maintanence in progress that involved use of explosives...

Female ATC Ground: Speedbird x, hold short of runway y, I have a blowjob on the runway.
Speedbird: Uhh, ok ma'am, advise when finished...

Well I thought it was funny........
 

Seeing the PATCO thread reminded me of a story told to me by one of the ex-PATCO guys in Abu Dhabi way back when (and if it's not true, it should be!)


Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, turn left thirty degrees for noise abatement.

Speedbird 23 : Aurora, confirm this is for noise abatement? We are at FL390!

Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, have you heard the noise two Jumbos make when they hit each
other?

Working RAF Waddington RAS one day, just north of Waddington (UK):

Female ATCO: "G xxxx, have a slow moving contact 12 o clock 3 miles no height, may be a flock of birds"

Me: "Copied, looking, are they squawking ?"

ATCO: "Standby, I'll go outside and listen "

:ok:

Usual crewroom banter at LATCC a couple of years ago. One of the lads had just had his annual medical and was explaining about how the Doc had instructed him to drop his keks and bend over. Young Irish lass was due for her medical the next day and listened with horror. "Well", she said, "If he asks me to drop mine and bend over, I'm gonna tell him to ram it!". Fits of laughter from the lads - confused and bewildered look from the lass. :confused:

We had a rookie controller do something similar. A plane inbound to Latrobe, Pa had a flight plan that read ...ACO...EWC...RAVEC..LBE ("RAVEC" meaning "Radar Vectors"). She stood up, looked at the charts, and asked "Can I clear this guy to RAVEC?". The supervisor looked at her and said "No problem".

She has yet to live that one down.

We yanks aren't oblivious to the fact that not all regs begin with an "N"...

.."LN" is the callsign for a general aviation LIFEGUARD flight here in the U.S. They were just being asked if they were a lifeguard flight.

ATC to 747 crew after landing: "Be advised you were slightly left of centreline all the way down that approach."
Slightly miffed captain: "That's correct. And my first officer was slightly to the right of centreline."

Men With Tools in Hand
 

Hey, when I was going on my fourth Solo flight at there was some maintenance being done on the runway lights so ATC decided to advise the departing aircraft of them. I was about third in line at the holding point.

ATC: XXX (No. 1) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and be advised men with tools in hand operating at alpha 4.

XXX (No. 1): Roger, cleared for takeoff make left turn. (Some giggles were heard)

ATC: XXX (No. 2) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and caution men with tools in had at alpha four.

XXX (No. 2) Roger Tower (Laughing) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and we have the men with tools in hand visual.

ATC: *LAUGHTER

It went on and on and on and on it's soooo funny when your a student pilot used to doing everything by the book with your instructor to then reply to the town "Cautioning the men with tools in hand." I did about three circuts and every time keeping the men with tools in hand in sight

Heard today on MAN radar:

Flight X: 'er, confirm routing to, er, HONILEY or is it HOLLY'

ATC: 'Confirm it's H-O-N-I-L-E-Y'

Flight X: 'Ok right'

ATC: 'I don't know a Holly'

Flight X (with a wicked laugh) 'ooh I do'

Heard on BHX ground:

FO: "Ground, British xxx, Embraer 145 Stand xx, request clearance to xxx, information Lima"

ATC: "You're getting ahead of yourself, Madam, we're only at Kilo so far"

FO: "Sorry, can't read my skipper's handwriting"

ATC: "Maybe he was a doctor in a previous life"

FO: "A doctor of what?"

:ok:

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands . Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a man wearing an armani suit, Ray Bans and a rolex watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are an ATC manager,"
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back?"

Overheard yesterday here:

Flight XYZ "Winnipeg terminal, this is XYZ with you, 105 descending to 7000, request 20 degrees right due weather"

ATC "Roger, diversions right as required, report clear of the weather."

XYZ "Ok. Sure looks ugly to the east."

ATC "You chould see the guy sitting next to me!"

Reverserunlocked............

Guilty as charged!

Heard on Heathrow Special a couple of weeks ago.
Well known Bandit in a Jet Ranger is taken to task by Special Controller for Infringing Biggin Hills ATZ.
"XXX - You've just flown through the Biggin Zone without contacting them"
"Well not according to my chart i haven't - i was close but not inside - Anyway... where's the line?"
"On my Radar screen!!!"
"Oh! Sorry"
Nice one D!

Video from Glasgow Tower
 

If this is what goes on in the tower I'm not so sure I want a job with NATS....

http://media.putfile.com/Scottish-Ai...ic-Controllers

:D

Totally incorrect................................. That's Prestwick:} :8 :p

EGPF / EGPK ?
 

Aye but its Pure Dead Brilliant so it is!

Geezajoab eh.

On the landline my foot!!!! You've all been rumbled! ;)

i trainned in the states at an academy that had the pleasure of flying with air china students that also shared are our training facilities,
while on first solo cross country one of the chinese students when returning home from a nerve racking flight.......

p; tower cessna 123, 10 miles north, fule stop

t; roger cessna 123, do you have whisky (atis information)

p: um.... no ...we have no alcohol aboard,

got to love it :)

Whilst hour building in Oz, me on final at Emerald:

Qantus (british captain awaiting departure): abc can you depart the run way before the intersection?

Me: Depends if I can get it down before the intersection

Qantus: No Pressure fella!!!!!

Apologies if I held you up but I did make the first exit after stalling and landing flat.

Edited to remove the U, I am afraid as a Brit I spell cognitively!!!

Just heard this last night.....

One unsuspecting captain starts off with his 'we will be arriving shortly ...' speech, giving all the little bits of information you could possibly hope for. Unfortunatly for him, not to the cabin but to the rest of the world on 121.5....

At least he did get some support from his colleagues in the air.
The opinion of someone : 'Well, that sounds just about perfect! I think you can try and do it for real now....' :D

Having a quiet Sunday in the tower at Manston many moons ago when I get a call from an instructor at Biggin Hill telling me he has a student doing a cross country and would like to do a few circuits and some emergency procedures. After clearing it with the Satco it is agreed and two hours later the said C152 arrives and starts bashing the circuit.

Turning crosswind after a go around the he transmits "PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY - simulated engine failure."

Ten seconds later the squawk box from the Coastguard SAR opens up (they are monitoring the frequency) and a resigned voice says, "tell him we can do a practice scramble if he will pay for the fuel".

Better edit it again and get rid of the other U.