XXX traffic, cessna XXX entering downfield for midwind one niner........

just did that one today!

Now that made me chuckle!!! :ok:

ATC Humour for LATCC Book?
 

There is a lot of stuff here that I would love to use in my forthcoming book on LATCC. If any of you would like to contact me direct with your stories for inclusion in this publication. If you look at the thread further down entitle Book on LATCC it will give more idea of what I am trying to achieve. These are exactly the bits and pieces I feel should go down in print for posterity!

Lorie Coffey

True story - but 18 years old!

China Air out of Sharjah eastbound - airborne off Runway 12 calls airborne.

ATC clears Air China direct LALDO [entry point Muscat FIR on A1] climb FL330.

Air China responds "Lodger - dilect RARLDO FL330".

ATC responds "negative - direct LALDO"

Air China responds "Lodger, dilect RARLDO".

ATC responds "negative, negative - track direct LALDO".

Air China responds "how you spell RARLDO"

ATC responds "RIMA ALPHA RIMA DELTA OSCAR"!!

The last one made me chuckle! :}

"rogah, hold at ROKKI!"

EGBJ the other day...
 

Too busy talking to my passenger, obviousily not paying attention to the ATIS...

Me: Glos Tower, G-XX with information err, um, err... whatever it was, Rwy 27, QNH 1015 (not even close) for taxi

TWR: G-XX, Glos Tower, whatever it was has now changed to Mike, QNH is now 1005 and the Rynway is still 27, so one out of three correct!

Me: Unable to replay as I was laughing so much....

I'm currently flying light aircraft a lot around Sydney and typically encounter a lot of indian students from the bankstown pilot factories.

One time after one of these indian pilots made a departure call a comedian in the circuit came over the radio, simpsons style, with 'thank-you. Come again'. Rightly or wrongly it still made me laugh.

Almost as old as me; apologies if it's been posted before.

"JAL nnn resume own navigation to Pole Hill."

"Dilec whea?"

"Pole Hill, POL."

"Not can find, Porill."

American voice. "Makes you wonder how they found Pearl Harbor."

On the Indian theme...

Following several inbound calls made by students with heavy accents
"Tower, XYZ, tomahawk, inbound with information PAPADOM....":}

Heathrow Ground and BA pilot................

HG - SpeedbirdXXX are you fully parked?

BA - Errrr about another 4" sir........

HG - Roger thats good enough for me

BA - My wife says the same.......

Cue laughter from ground!! :D

Virgins .....
 

Some years ago I worked in a major Centre in Australia.The weather was exceptionally bad, and there were jets all over the place. I was doing an arrivals sector, and the controller sitting beside me had the airspace with the one hole in the weather. After copping nearly everyone's traffic that afternoon the final straw had come. He looked at the mess coming towards him, and remarked .. "I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but for f$cks sake, keep that Virgin away from me" !!!!

When i was a lowly PPL bashing the circuit at Teesside, had the ultimate feeder line...

ATC "G-KV you are number 2 to a Fokker 100 on a 4 mile final, report visual"

[Pause for effect...]

Me "G-KV Visual... I have the fokker in sight"

ATC "You've always wanted to say that haven't you?"

Me "Oh Yes"

Last Thursday 19 June, about 1600 local ..

very efficient sounding G- XXXX " Filton Approach, G-XXX with you at XXXX on XXXX, out of XXXXX for XXXX, waffle waffle,....... and we have information Victor"

Filton Approach " Ah, that's interesting, we don't have an ATIS...."

Well, it made me chuckle.

Heard a couple of weeks back at Lands End on a very blustery day
Microlight G-** just passing Pendeen ground speed 15 Knts
Controller Roger hope you have bought some sandwiches with you

Just made me laugh

Ian

Me on my 2nd solo nav training for PPL, after slightly bouncy crosswind landing and flustered taxi call I took off again and was departing Essendon via Yan Yean (a massive lake/reservoir)
EN TWR in a very -I'm talking to an idiot- kind of voice
"XYZ Yan Yean is at your 12 oclock, 1 mile, clear to close this frequency"
(Yan yean was filling about 3/4 of my windscreen at this point!) :}

WELLCONCERNED.

Excellent story! LoL! Rima Alpha...

The other day there was a distinctly new lady pilot on frequency with an exceptionally nice voice...

She calls me up on ground for the clearance with I give (with absolute pleasure). She finishes up the read back and before I can say anything someone else cuts in and says:
"My apologies, I didn't catch that, say again..."

Again, before I could say anything, she starts off and gives me the whole thing again...
When she finishes our anonymous hero steps in again,
"Thanks, I'm not ground and I heard it all the first time. But I just wanted to hear you say it again!":O

Good job that man!!:D

YouTube - JFK ATC Bad Day at the office - Funny

Made me smile

R/T funnies
 

(Don't know whether or not this has already been posted so apologies if it has)

Was crossing the north sea a while ago and heard (and recognised) a colleagues (anonymous) voice say to London:

"I'm bored!!" Silence from London et al. Then:
"Correction; i'm f**king bored!!"

London: "Who said that?" Stunned silence on a normally busy frequency, followed by:

"I said i'm f**king bored, not f**king stupid!!"

Could not string two coherent words together for some minutes!

back when Pontius was a Pilot:)

An Aussie version of the same story posted by Captainsmiffy-

About 20 something years ago a sector north of Melbourne was being worked at night by a Flight Service Officer (a sort of poor man's air traffic controller using procedural separation before there was decent radar coverage)

Unidentified aircraft: "Jeez I'm f***ing bored!"

The FSO operating the sector, who was probaby a bit bored himself, nevertheless felt it was his duty to protect the airways so he called up individually each of the aircraft known to be in the sector:

Melbourne: "ABC, did you make an obsene transmission?"

ABC: "Negative"

Melbourne: "DEF, did you make an obsene transmission?"

DEF: "Negative"

And so on until all aircraft had responded.

Silence on the frequency until a few minutes later comes a transmission:
"Jeez I wan't that f***ing bored"

We were on a radar heading from the north after asking for visual appproach into NZWN, waiting to sight a 737 joining a long final from the south and going slow. The 73 is going very slowly as ATC keeps asking me can I see it yet to which I finally reply "ah......think so got some lights about 1 oclock but seems a long way off" to which the controller replies with tone in voice "yes thats him if I'd known he was going to join finals via the sub-antarctic I'd have made you no.1". Ouch.

Evening approach into Milan-MXP last week; ATC clears us for the approach while still way out and descending through FL130... The CPT (I was PF) then radios: "xxxxx 8SA, fully established ILS 35R at 37 miles" :p Without missing a beat, our friendly ATCO answers "roger, keep the speed!" First time I've ever been on the glide at 240 kts :ok:

Fouga - I guess you don't fly for Ryanair then.... :E

Heard last night over the dark continent,

Atc. xxxx report your speed in knots

xxxx 294 knots

Atc. 293 knots or less

xxxx reducing 293 knots

Atc. naa just kidding!

GATWICK GROUND: XX01 contact tower and report ready on 124.225 should be able to get you away immediate.

XX01: Tower 124.22

XX01: Gatwick Tower XX01 taxiing C1, and we are fully ready SIR

GATWICK TOWER: (Very pissed off, and very female controller) Rodger hold C1.

Silence!

To set the scene this was at Heathrow and where the British Airways Flying Club used to get their planes repainted in the same BA livery as the big jets. Waiting to take off was a British Airways 747, then a BritishAirwaysFlyingClub Piper Warrior and following that an American Airlines Jet.

American Airlines pilot watching whats ahead of him and in a very thick American accent:

"Hey Speedybird, looks like you've given birth!"

:D:D:D:D

This is another great story I was told by a BA Captain.

Unknown aircraft: "!!!!!"

ATC: "Who was that?? Identify yourself"

Long pause....

American Airlines pilot: "We didn't say !!!!"

BA Pilot: "We didn't say !!!!"

Air Canada Pilot: "We didn't say !!!!"

Followed by just about every other pilot on frequency!

:D:D:D:D

A quicky
 

Female TWR controller:
'HXX5060, ready for a quicky 27L ?!'

Pilot
'Sure thing, just let me fly to XXX first, we'll be back in an hour!'

TWR
'Excellent, cleared for T/O 27L...'

:ok:

Flying from Cambridge to Elstree a week ago, were listening out on the Luton Approach frequency.

An agitated controller was urging an aircraft away from the Stansted runway centreline. Eventually the aircraft seemed to understand what was going on and got out of the zone.

A couple of minutes later a sheepish PIC came on air to apologise for the incursion.

Pilot: “Sorry about that – we are on an IMC training detail and thought we were at Royston and got a bit lost.”

ATC: “Well you failed that then didn’t you.”

re lizplt:
that was soooo funny:D

Virgin Blue ops in Oz
 

Apologies if this has already been posted.

Virgin 737 has just been cleared for take-off and is rolling. QANTAS 737 is instructed to "line up and wait, there'll be a short delay while the Virgin gets a bit ahead".

Hmmm, sounds funnier when you hear it rather than read it.

I hope that not too much will be lost in translation.
Story told by one colleague about another one.

Training IFR inbound EPWA:
ATC: Do you have Raszyn in sight?
(short explanation: Raszyn (sounds like "Russian") place near EPWA with some radio masts)
xxx: No, I don't.

some time later:
ATC: Do you have Raszyn in sight?
xxx: Negative.
Now the guy tries to ensure himself, that no one, especially any Russian is on board but he and his instructor.
again:
ATC:Do you have Raszyn in sight?
Now our hero is imaging not very well shaved man, with fur hat, smelling vodka, with big bag on his laps - just Russian from far Siberia inside his plane.
xxx: Negative.

ATC: Dou you have Raszyn in sight... oh disregard, you have just passed it.

after landing:
Why they were asked us if we have Russian inside?

Story which always make me laughing.
Hope you too.

rgds
Dino

Fighter Controller, not too long ago...

F3, "Boulmer, Export 1, any news on my playmate?"

FC, "He's working a slag on the ground for the next ten minutes."

I think she meant to say 'SNAG'...

CPDLC
 

This happened a few years ago at Maastricht UAC shortly after CPDLC (Controller-Pilot Data Link Connection) had been introduced. Not many airlines were Data Link equipped so we reckoned this new cockpit feature would be tempting to play with.
A United Airlines flight from Frankfurt to the States entered our airspace, still climbing to FL320. Suddenly this particular flight requests FL380 via Data Link, much to our surprise as it is quite a high cruising level to start with for a long haul flight. So the radar controller asks him via voice transmission:

Maastricht: "UAL123, we've just received your request via CPDLC... uhm... confirm you are actually looking for FL380? Or are you just trying out the Data Link system?"

UAL123 (without missing a beat): "Sir if I'd be testing the Data Link system I would ask for a tall Scandinavian blonde, don't you think?"

Maastricht (with an amused voice and laughter in the background): "Haha, I guess!"

After a brief pauze a deep male Scandinavian voice came on: "What can I do for you?"

UAL123: "Uhm... uhm... well, it's not for me - it's for the co-pilot..."

At Maastricht we were on the floor laughing! :D

A classic one perhaps... A KLM flight bound for Amsterdam was descending abeam Eelde (EEL) in the Dutch FIR, coming from somewhere up North. Our radar showed the aircraft had initiated a significant turn hence the radar controller investigated...

Maastricht: "KLM1234, confirm you are making a right turn?"

KLM1234: "Affirm! Turning back shortly!"

Maastricht: "KLM1234, what is the reason for the turn?"

KLM1234: "Oh uhm, it's a very clear day today, and banking the aircraft allowed me to see my house from up here..."

Maastricht: "Roger... next time please report before turning"

This is when another pilot stepped in and said: "Hey KLM, can you also see the car on the driveway?"

;)

MINTI
 

By now this story has become a classic anecdote at Maastricht UAC. Imagine the scene in the Ops Room... Traffic was fairly busy with a lot of chatting on the frequency. Earlier a US-bound Lufthansa had asked for a better direct routing, which had to be co-ordinated with the colleagues at Copenhagen ACC first. Right after the Lufthansa's request the radar controller got too busy for him to ask his planning controller what direct routing had been offered by Copenhagen (as this is not a priority in busy times). Nevertheless the Lufthansa pilot reminded us about his request. Fair enough. The radar controller - still busy - quickly turns to his planner and asks: "What direct routing did Copenhagen give us for the Lufthansa?"

At the same time another colleague was standing right behind these two controllers, getting the coffee and tea orders for everyone. It so happened he posed his coffee question at the same time the radar was shouting for the direct routing. Lazy as controllers tend to be, the planner only picked up the drink request and answered: "Mint tea!"

The coffee guy wrote it down, but our meanwhile hectic radar controller had also taken this for an answer and asked, slightly confused: "MINTI??". The planner - now looking at his tube again - took it for granted the coffee guy just asked him for confirmation (and obviously did not realise that the radar had been asking him something as well) so he simply replied: "Yes, yes! Mint tea!". The phone rings, the planner picks it up and misses that the radar clears the Lufthansa as follows:

Maastricht: "DLH123, proceed direct to MINTI"

DLH123: "Uhrrrr... roger... direct to MINTI, confirm?"

Maastricht: "Affirm, sir. MINTI"

2 minutes pass, and finally the Lufthansa comes back...

DLH123: "Maastricht, I'm sorry but can you spell MINTI for me please? I cannot seem to find it"

Maastricht: "Standby"

The radar turns to his planner and asks: "How do you spell MINTI? Is it mike india november tango india??"

Planner: "Huh? What?"

Radar: "Well, you gave me MINTI for that Lufthansa before, right? How do you spell it??"

At this point the planner realised what had happened and bursted out in manic laughter: "No! I ordered a MINT TEA!!". The radar immediately caught up with the silly situation and could not stop himself from laughing. He was unable to say anything for at least half a minute or so. Situations like this one just get so much more momentum when they are preceded by tense moments. And that is when I like to job the most! :) :ok:

yeah that is right only the first part

Really nice story!
But another example for certain situations for a lack of communication between co and radar-ATCO when working withou paper-strips....especially in busy situation like those.

Uhh.....bad times...

1. This is a humour thread. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good joke.

2. just how would little pieces of paper have prevented this misunderstanding?

FWIW most of the controllers at Maastricht nowadays have never worked live traffic with strips.