4 days but I finally read every page and now the mrs thinks I'm a real nerd for cracking up every few mins or so. And each time she asks what was so funny, I explain but she doesn't always understand the terminology. So I have to continue chuckling to myself!!! Am fairly new but this has entertained me so much that I couldn't stop Reading. I only hope things are still this good when I'm up in the air. Thanks for the many hours of laughter


:D

My only new addition that springs to mind…

Heard not so recently while #2 for landing at a field in Africa behind a C182….

TWR: “ABC123 Clehared to lend 07, wind ???, 10Kts”
ABC123: “Cleared to land 07, copy the wind”.

A shortish while later…

TWR: “ABC123 lending time 45, 46 & 47. Vacate echo to the hold.”

(Said in but the thickest and driest of African accents… and … shame… it was a lot more than 10Kts)
:D:D

Last night, I was the "East ATSA" at MACC. My Planner asked where TBPB was, as we had a G5 inbound from there to Humberside.....when I replied "Barbados" the Tac said "Fancy coming to Humberside for your Christmas Holls"....which cracked us up.
Humberside then told us they were snow clearing....quick as a flash the Tac said "Ooh yes, he's come for a skiing holiday"
Priceless

My girlfriend is the F/O flying out of EGCC bound for the States, the captain is running the radios, they get cleared to PENIL, the captain isn't clear about the intersection, he asks my girlfriend where the controller cleared them to, she replies "Direct Penile" (just as a joke).

The captain parroted the same verbage over the radio, it took a second for him to realize just what he had done......

STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."

STL approach: "American 2451,you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 2451 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."

-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

Don't have the original to hand, so I'll have to paraphrase it.

This was out of an Aussie magazine section titled "on the airbands" and relates to a story from many years ago when, if memory serves me right, Qantas were still flying 707's

QF123 makes inbound call to Bombay approach and requests weather update (during the monsoon period)

Bombay ATC (think Peter Sellers accent): Qantas123 Bombay weather is ...blah blah blah ... with 10 Octas of cloud at 1,000'

QF123: Ahhhh... sir? surely that is 8 octa's?

ATC: Negative Qantas123, I have seen 8 octa's and this is much much worse!

A few years ago I telephoned ATC at Cork to ask for their weather.

'Be Jesus, its raining cats and dogs' was the answer!

I asked for a slightly more detailed report - ' 8 octas, 1000ft, 2000m' was the reply.

'So its below VFR minima and you don't recognise my UK IMC rating' I said.

'No we don't recognise the IMC rating/ but you sound like a nice boy so come anyway - I'll turn the lighting up for you'!!!

1700, Christmas Eve at MACC and the 'phone rings
"Hello, it's Dublin here, we're closed until 10 o'clock"
Me.."Is that 10 am or 10 pm"?
Garble,garble...."Yes its 10 o'clock tomorrow night, whenever that is....Good Night"

Quite a few years ago now, our gliding club had a mass fly out (in little aeroplanes) to Ireland with the intention of getting to Galway. Due to the weather we only got as far as ??? (name withheld to protect the guilty) and knew we'd be stuck there for the weekend. Horrified at the big airfield parking and landing fees, some enterprising soul (read skint!) asked if there was a discount for training flights. Great success with this and each crew instantly became student and trainer (nearly true as we had a load of people working through their cpls at the time and most held an AFI rating, whilst the other half were glider pilots converting to power.) The next day a few crews asked for rates for a bit of beacon bashing and a few ILSs. When asked how far we wanted to go, we were told it was much cheaper to stay in the local area, ie not change frequency, as the area controllers couldn't charge for what they didn't know about. Having duly booked our slots, as we took off into the gloom and rain, and the world disappeared at 400 feet agl, the gentle question of would it be vfr or ifr that we wanted was much appreciated. :ok: Lovely place with lovely people.

French pilot, "Reporting west of island of Sheepy" (Sheppy).

Cork, to be sure
 

Many years ago, with my fres PPL IR went to Cork on business, and very IFR (ish).

Cork Radar, very kindly pointed me to the long narrow thing and we landed safely.

After landing went to say hi, as a few hours to kill before going wack to London.

Found the Radar Room......well actiually the cupboard under the stairs. I later learned that many small airports had radar cupboards, rather than rooms.

Chatted for a while, and the man asked " have you ver been to Cork before"......no never was the reply...Well he said.... "Ignore the new fangled SID I will point you at the cathedral...watch out its rather tall"

Many years later I was back in Cork, for the Air India Incident, and thanked the radar man for the sight seeing trip.....he winked at me and said, shame the weather was so bad...the Blarney Stone is rather grand too.

I think we must have met the same team.

Glf

SAA A340 flies in to FAJS the other day and asks one of the most irritating questions there are:

"What are the chances of landing on 03L today?"

I say, "About the same chance as me getting a cheap flight from your airline"

He says, "I'll expect 03R then"

Quite correct, welcome to KFC - The Kempton Flying Club

Have heard a rumour that NATS ATC get ID90 from SAA. Say it ain't so :(

If Mentioned Before I Apologize.

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"


Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

:D:D:D Brilliant!

Long ago story from the days when women were just starting out in ATC.

Busy day at O'hare, the 5:00 push.

United: "United 320 heavy, push D-16 with Delta"
Ground: "United 32O hold the push I have two in the alley"
United: "Ground please repeat, your transmission is fuzzy"
Ground: "United 320 heavy, hold the push for traffic in the alley."
United: "Ahh gound your transmission is very fuzzy."
Ground "American 190, is my transmission fuzzy?"
American: "I don't know honey, how old are ya?"

Won't give away too much details except it was a student doing an Instrument Test

Student: "XXX Twr, XYZ 8 miles ILS final, 3 Greens, full stop"
Tower: "XYZ Continue approach report 3 miles"
Student: "Wilco XYZ..... And attitude attitude, trim, powers good, flaps good, all on the rails..... OH !!!!" end transmission

Another one just doing some GF before an all important test

Student: "XYZ Base 3 greens....... ahhhhhhhhhhh.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk, going around" end transmission. Realised he didn't put the gear down.

New Spanish AFIS on trials at GCLP
 

Hello!

Spanish goverment is planning to introduce AFIS service at some airports, in place of actual ATCO´s. Here is an example:


http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/1568/afisd.jpg



You can read more at http://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/404...ish-dream.html

WIF-xxx: "Request clerance to CPH"

ME: "Eeeh. I have been trying to call you for the last hour. Your slot expired 15 minutes ago!"

WIF-xxx: "Eeeh. OK. In that case we consider the slot cancelled. Request start-up!"

WTF?

Happens again and again... and still funny, for whatever reason:

someone adding a 'goodbye' to something other than a freq change.

ATC: ABC234 descend FL100, turn right heading 180
A/C: ABC234 descending FL100, right heading 180, goodbye...

huh? oh yah, goodbye. please report back

Almost the same situation as in the previous post :

TWR/APP : "AIRLINE001, cleared for takeoff, and when airbourne remain on this frequency"

AIRLINE001: "Roger, cleared for takeoff, and remaining with you, good night"

A bit too early ;)

And one more -
Overheard last night from 121.5 :

AIRLINE001: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking and i'd like to give you some information about our flight. At the moment we are flying at 9600 meters over XXXXX, outside temperature is (looooong pause)........" (out)

couple of seconds later from another a/c

"Hmm, we didn't copy the air temperature, sir"

Made me laugh ;)

Some from my first three years as an F/O so far:

First one happened to me couple of weeks ago in Brussels. Cleared for an immediate take-off when still on the TWY, we did a rolling take-off. At around 1000 feet I hear another Beeline ask for runway braking action to the tower. Tower asks us:

ATC: "Beeline xxx, can you confirm braking action 25R is good?"
I replied: "Well we didn't brake, but I can guess if you want."

Never thought about that answer, it just came out so quickly. :) Just thought it was a stupid question.



Another good one I heard last week. We fly Avro Jets at Brussels Airlines. They may not climb that well, or do anything well for that manner, but they sure can descend! Pulling full airbrake almost makes you fall from the sky... Apparently some controllers can't seem to remember this...

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, descend FL100, give me your best rate of descent."
Beeline xxx "Descend FL100, best rate, Beeline xxx."

About one minute later:

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, what is your rate of descent???"
Beeline xxx: "Around 7000ft/minute"
French ATC: "... Roger... Euhhh... Rate of descent now 2000 ft/minute."


Last one was from november I think. Just start of the winter season. As soon as we put on airframe anti-ice, the Avro refuses to climb anymore. Company wants us as high as possible so we request high levels anyway, though it sometimes takes ages to get up there... German ATC woman cracked me up early in the morning out of Munich.

German ATC: "Beeline xxx, what's your requested level?"
I replied: "Flight level 320, Beeline xxx".
German ATC: "I don't think so Beeline xxx, not with your type of aircraft. Maybe you should ask your company for a better aircraft for the winter season?"

One day on CDG Ground frequency a pilot of A380 calling:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333 Super, request push and start.
atc: ZZZZ 333, push and start approved.
A few minutes later:
a/c: ZZZZ 333 Super, ready for taxi.
So atc passed taxi clearance.
After two or three minutes:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333, due to technical problem we need to return to the gate...

It took them about ten minutes to declare "ready for push" again, but anyway as long as I was on the frequency they didn't use "Super" in the callsign...

Late 60's on 243.0 ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing, One Two Three Four Five, Five, Four, ... Three ... Kuala Lumpur Tower test, out.

Some wobbling Hunter wingtips reported that one. ;)

This is a rather embarassing Radiotelephony conversation I had at a small UK based Airfield. I've just landed.
Tower - "G-XT Taxi to Bravo between the blue markers"
Me - "Taxiing to Bravo between blue markers G-XT"
Tower - "G-XT give way to the Gazelle"
Me - "What?! a real one!?"
My Dad sitting next to me - "A Gazelles a Helicopter"
Me - "OH!...G-XT giving way to the Gazelle"

Heard yesterday while approaching Lyneham.
A contracted freighter (lets call it XYZ) was inbound to land. American sounding pilot on the radio.
Note: The ATIS is on UHF at Lyneham. My recall of the exact phrasing may leave something to be desired...

ATC: XYZ, descend FL70, cleared for a straight in approach to R06.
XYZ: Descend FL70, cleared straight in R06

ATC: XYZ, do you require the weather?
XYZ: Negative.

ATC: (sounding puzzled) Confirm you already have the weather?
XYZ: Affirm, It's gorgeous out there!

A KC-135 out of Mildenhall, 1970's, with East Anglia solid with radar returns ...

ATC: RWZ1234 report heading
RWZ: Control RWZ 1234 the heading is 36.....2
ATC : RWZ1234 turn right heading 372
RWZ : Roger, turning right heading 372.....control repeat again

Aircraft makes an inbound call to Jandakot after a Chinese Student with giggling in the background

ATC: XYZ copy, whats so funny
Pilot: I cant tell you... its racist (Laughter in background)

Airport Authorities stagiaire: Tower, we are ready to mown the Glidepath.

Tower: ohh, and to what altitude will that be.

Silence on one and tears on ours side...

Heard at an airfield very close to the Lambourne Hold

A/G - Can everybody please insure that you keep your circuits tight into the airfield as there have been noise complaints
Aircraft in the overhead - Where have the noise complaints been coming from?
A/G - The telephone!!

Speedy arrival
 

Arriving at SBBR in an Aerostar

Controller: NXXX, Can you keep the speed up to accommodate other traffic
Me: Yes
Controller: Can you do 200 groundspeed all the way?
Me: Yes, but I might need to slow down on short final

In an Aerostar flying from Venezuela to Brasil (SBBV) FL210. Just handed over to Brasil (100nm to go):

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx FL210 checking in
BV: Radar contact
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx ready to start decent
BV: (No response)
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx REQUEST lower for landing!

Repeated request gets no answer,

About 10nm to go

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxxx, I can't seem to find any airport up here at FL210.
BV: Nxxxx, Cleared to land. Confirm gear down and locked?

Nxxx (@FL210): Cleared to land, gear down and locked (Coincidentally, the only way to get down anywhere near the Airport was idling engines and dropping the gear)

Over France
 

Me: Request direct destination
ATC: Negative due to Military activity, cleared direct XXX
....
Me: eh, XXX is 200nm PAST my destination
ATC: Well, where did you want to go anyway?

Noise abatement
 

RAF VC10 just departed.

ATC to next D8 in line: xxxxx if your can hear me, line up and wait!
xxxxx: Just about!

Found this funny
 

If you have facebook try this. Air Traffic Control. The Funny Side

Made me laugh

At EGBJ whilst taxiing for a 09 departure...
(can't account for the actual transcript but it went something like this)

A/C on flinals: G-xx just had a bird strike, continuing approach
TWR: roger, it appears to be a seagul, still hanging off your right main
A/C: Affirm, we'll vacate at the end and inspect damage on the taxiway if possibe
TWR: affirm
some time later
A/C: Gloster TWR G-xx, no apparent damage so we'll taxi to hanger, however this seagul has no legs to stand on
TWR: Roger, thats figures, the apron vehicle just found them on the runway, clear taxi.

made me chuckle!

Can't remember the exact transmission, heard this on Tuesday morning.

London: ABC123 cleared direct xxxx
ABC123: Roger, cleared direct xxxx, eerrrrmmm whatever my call sign is
London: ABC123!
ABC123: Yeah that's it!

Made me smile early in the morning.

little something that happened to my classmate on his first flight after he got PPL

a/c: i'm loooooooooooooooooost
ATC: ok, where are you?
a/c: ummmmmmm, circling over a city
ATC: good for you, what do you see
a/c: forest
ATC: great, what else
a/c: dunno


not really and actual conversation, but something similar
also this was in slovenian language on FIS, we had a lot of laughs on this one since than

Happened in here a couple of days ago. USAF C-130 with callsign SixPackXX

Control: SixPackXX, XXXXX, established FL210 enroute XXXX. Be advised, ROZ XXXXX guns hot to 200, maintain heading.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, Sixpack XX, Copy.

A minute later the 130 starts dropping altitude getting close to the ROZ where fighters are operating. The controller starts to get angry and gets on the radio.

Control: !!!!!BAGXX, ELEVATE FL210.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, SixPackXX, was that for us?
Control: YES, unless you want a new F-15 hood ornament.
SixPackXX: That would make us a little too nose-heavy. Elevating to FL210.

____________________________________________________________ __

ABCD12 is a UAV and the link between the ground station and aircraft went down.

Control: ABCD12, XXXXX, You are leaving your assigned airspace. Having problems?
ABCD12: We have lost the link, the a/c will maintain speed and heading until it is re-established.
Control: Well get new batteries in that remote and get it back in your airspace before it hits a real airplane.

____________________________________________________________ __

More shenanigans over Afghanistan

Control: DUDEXX, XXXXX, what airspace would you like today?
DUDEXX: All of it.
Control: DUDEXX, say again?
DUDEXX: I want all airspace.
Control: DUDEXX Affirm. Elevate to FL800 call when established.
DUDEXX: Ummm...... I don't think that's going to work......
Control: Then you better figure out which airspace you need or I am putting you in the corner....

Thinks.... why "elevate" instead of "climb"? What do they say for "descend"?