Don't ask me. Thats how the USAF controllers call it out. I have heard "elevate" "elevator" idk. Climb and descend seem easier to me

another from EGBJ back when I was circuit bashing in an R200, it's towards the end of a long summer weekend and we were landing after a Seneca who had rolled to the end of 27 and was taxiing back in. being slower we vacated at the 18 intersection which brought us in to conflict with the Seneca, following occurred:
Us: G-BA rwy vacated
TWR: Roger, err, G-BA give way to the opposite direction Robin then taxi SE2
quick as a flash my FI: We can't give way to ourselves you know!
TWR: Ok well give way to the white one with two engines then!

Hi all!
This is my first post. Beforehand I have to excuse myself but I had my last English lesson in 1967.

(Scenario from a German source)

A German Eurofighter has penetrated incorrectly the Swiss airspace.

ATC: " Hello unknown aircraft, you are over Swiss territory. Record your identity otherwise I have to send the Swiss Air Force!"

German Eurofighter: "One or both?"

Heard at a London Airfield last week:

G-ABCD: Vacating and thanks for your help - talk to you tomorrow

Tower: No you won't - I'm off to a BBQ

G-WXYZ: Information S calling for taxi and a Burger

Unknown voice: Can I have one too?

Laughter on all following calls on frequency...

GXXXX: Request status of danger areas X1, 2 and 4
<Pause>
London info: I don't recognise area number x124
GXXXX: My mistake I meant areas x1, x2 and X4
London info (female): Sorry, just had a blonde moment here

(assume she was new and didn't know the non appologising rule)

I was on a United flight between SAN & ORD a couple of years ago, listening in on Channel 9. Conversation went like this:

En Route Control: United123 cleared direct Gotham City

United123 (a young lady with a soft voice): Errrr - cleared direct to where?

Control: United123 cleared direct Garden City

United123: Ohhh - GARDEN City - Right!

I'm sure he said Gotham City and Ms Pilot did as well. Perhaps it was the Kansas drawl?

SEP
 

What does SEP stand for?

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Somebody Else's Problem

Carl

9 years or so later, you had me in tears with those 2001 stories!
:D:D:D

G-XX: Guernsey approach good afternoon, G-XXXX, passing FL80 cleared level 60.

Guernsey Approach: G-XX fly heading 190 deg, vectors for an ILS or Visual approach runway 27 at Guernsey, information Golf is current.

G-XX: Heading 190 deg, we'd really like to go to Alderney though if that's ok with you, that's where we booked the hotel!

Guernsey approach: Well you can go there if you really want to but we've heard rumours.... turn left then heading 170 degrees.

G-XX: Left heading 170. Roger the rumours - that's why we're going. G-XX!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

G-XX (flexwing microlight): XXX Radio, er... I think I may be lost!

XXX Radio: Station calling say your callsign.

G-XX: Er.... i'm in G-XXXX

XXX Radio: G-XXXX roger, What was your last known location?

G-XX: erm.... I was near salisbury about half an hour ago, I'm circling over a city now, there's a big cathedral but it's not Salisbury cos there's no spire. I'm at 2000 feet.

XXX Radio: G-XX, suggest you call D&D on freq 121.5 immediately, they will be able to help you.

G-XX: How do i do that?

XXX Radio: What radio do you have?

G-XX: It says Icom on it.... it's got buttons and a screen.

XXX Radio: G-XX roger, just press the numbers 1, 2, 1, 5, 0, 0.

G-XX: That's not doing anything.

XXX Radio: Roger, I have D&D on the phone now. Say your current heading.

G-XX: What's that?

XXX Radio: What direction are you pointing in - read your compass heading to me.

G-XX: I'm circling round so it keeps changing.

XXX Radio: G-XX London Centre instructs you to fly heading 270 degrees - can you fly west for me, tell me when you've done that.

G-XX: Ok, I think I'm heading round about west now, the sun is in my face, that's right isn't it?

XXX Radio: Yes that will do, continue on that heading for the moment.

(Microlight was centered squarely on the final approach track for EGHI over Winchester, eventually he was guided on how to unlock his radio and handed over to D&D who got him home where I believe he spent a little longer in training before going solo again)!

Was anyone here party to the Great Manx Fast Show on the RT last week?

Made I Larf...:}

Had this one in the middle-east

me: "xxxxx report ground speed"
xxxxx: " but sir we are over water!"

classic!

A Malaga special:

'XX123 high speed in descent please due following traffic, 300kt or more'

'Roger, 300kt or more XX123 we can give you 320kt'

'Thank you maintain high speed, no speed control XX123'

10 or so seconds later, passing through FL120

'XX123 now speed 200 knots'

Brilliant! They get us all down though!

Reminds me of another London Info one a few months ago.

American Pilot and London Info having an extended conversation about a missing/incorrect flightplan, which finally ends with....

London Info: NXXX, If you just do what I tell you then I'll sort it out for you.

a few seconds later

London Info: NXXX, Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound rude.
NXXX: It's OK, I'm American, we don't understand the meaning of the word rude.

Alphabet confusion always gets a laugh, instead of FPK he said "Foxtrot Kaka Pilo", or a lady once said "Oscar Wanky Yankee".

Last week me versus China Hainan.

CHHxxxx taxi via Kilo park stand Foxtrot 2

Roger Kilo F3

Negative F2

Roger F3

Chhxxxx Negative Foxtrot 2, one plus one!

Ah Roger Foxtrot eleven!

I didn`t see that coming!!

COA111 called himself COA3. Thinking the pilot had a sense of humour, I replied to the same callsign. Wrong.

Was tempted to say contact London on CXXXV decimal CCCLV but thought it would have fallen on deaf ears.

Heard this conversation a couple of days ago:

DLH123: GND, RWY vacated. ehh I think we hit a seagull about 100m south of A1. It's wounded. DLH 123.

GND: DLH123, Roger. We'll send an ambulance, in the mean time taxi to stand 34.

Sleepy Gatwick Airport; a Flybe Dash 8 has just vacated the runway and trundles towards its stand.

[Flybe operates two aircraft types; the Embraer 195, which is shiny, swift, sleek, and loved by pilots and passengers alike, and the Dash 8 Q400, which is - erm -functional. Generally.]

Sweet sounding female ATCO on ground: "EZ123, after the Flybe Embraer parks on 8, you're push start approved stand 14."

(EZ reads back clearance).

Flybe: "Jersey 123, I wish it was an Embraer but unfortunately this one's a Dash."

Ground (dissolving into giggles): "I'm so sorry!"

Flybe: "So are we." :ok:

Happened to me as a Planning Controller in Budapest (Hungary).

L'viv calling on the phone:

L'viv: Hello sir, can you tell me?
Me: Tell you what?
L'viv: Just can you tell me, for line check?
Me: I read you five.
L'viv: No no, can you...
(L'viv from background: NO! CALL! CALL ME!)
L'viv: Ah sorry. Can you call me, for line check?

YQM Twr: "and XXX, explain to me why you completed an unauthorized righthand turnout?"
Diamond DA-20 C-GXXX: "uh.. I'm sorry sir, where would you like me to go?"
YQM Twr: "if this wasn't a recorded frequency, I'd tell you where I want you to go."

Happened to me 2 days ago.

Me :" ACFT, Say your heading"
Acft : " 075"
Me : "Turn right heading 100"
Acft : "Thank you, that's almost a direct XXXXX"

One minute later:
Me : "ACFT, turn right heading 105, to avoid military activity"
ACFT : " No, I don't agree, the ZZZ zone is not active on Sundays"

Me and my colleague both look at our wrist-watch.
Me : "ACFT, today's Sunday, direct XXXXX"

Two minutes later :
Me to my colleague : "Do I tell him he should turn right 5 degrees to fly direct XXXXX ?"

This must be the greatest ATC tranmission ever !!
 

During the bush war in Rhodesia in the 70's the Rhodesian Airforce mounted a raid on a terrorist camp over the border in Zambia.
The is the ATC transmission :D:D
“Lusaka Tower, this is Green Leader. This is a message for the station commander at Mumba from the Rhodesian Air Force. We are attacking the terrorist base at Westlands farm at this time. This attack is against Rhodesian dissidents and not against Zambia. Rhodesia has no quarrel, repeat, no quarrel, with Zambia or her security forces. We therefore ask you not to intervene or oppose our attack. However, we are orbiting your airfield at this time and are under orders to shoot down any Zambian Air Force aircraft which does not comply with this request and attempts to take off. Did you copy all that?”

Lusaka tower replies that they have understood, and ask whether civil aircraft are still cleared to land. Green Leader asks them to wait half an hour or so. The impression given is very much that the Rhodesians are totally in control of the situation. And when Lusaka tower was asked by the incoming Kenya airways jet who had priority, Lusaka tower simply replied "I think the Rhodesians do".

Cheap Flights :-)
 

YouTube - FASCINATING AIDA - Cheap Flights:D

Though this might make a few of you laugh !

I fly a flexwing microlight, and back in February I flew into Dundee. Its fair to say that after over an hour and a half exposed to the airflow at -10C I was chilled to the bone! Perhaps the cold had spread to my brain and ears, as after I had landed the conversation with ATC went like this:

Me: G-KX cleared active, request taxi to parking
ATC: I think we can fit you in, how long is your span?
(I thought this was a strange thing to ask, but perhaps he literally meant 'fit me in' a parking slot somewhere), so I replied:
Me: Err, about 34 feet?
ATC (slowly and clearly): How long are you STAYING? (followed by muffled laughter on calls from other aircraft).

:rolleyes:

LOL I think I'd have fallen for that one as well to be honest.

Not really "funny" as such, but kind of funny the arrogance some ATCO:s show.

Me: For your information, there is a big flock of birds on the ground at the approach end runway 27R
TWR: Silence
Me: Repeated myself as above
TWR: Confirm you are ready for departure
Me: Negative, repeated myself as above
TWR: Yeah I don't know what they are up to
Me: Neither do I, so I am sure approaching aircraft would like to know

This was a US airport, I know EU-OPS requires an immediate report as soon as a potential bird hazard is observed.

Many years ago I was taking off from Lusaka (4,000ft asl) on a hot day at noon in a fully loaded C206. Took forever to take off.

Right after take off controller says.. :

XXX we were wondering if you were driving or flying to destination.

:bored:

Cologne Airport ATIS Information "India" YouTube - ATIS Information Cologne Airport

I think this one is much better:
YouTube - Funny KVNY (Van Nuys, CA) ATIS

The other day...
 

We were in a Diamond MEP on an IR training sortie, doing a low-drag, high-speed ILS app into a major international airport as to not hold up the traffic behind.

ATC: AB-CDE report speed

Student: 150kts AB-CDE

ATC: A-DE reduce to 130kts, traffic ahead is an Avroliner on a 3 mile final.

Poor guys in the Avro...must have had 'em faces all red :\


Needless to say we had a giggle.

<< I think we can fit you in, how long is your span?>>

I never heard it called that before!!

Pa28 pilot:" xxx TWR final,full stop."
Passenger: " Did'nt know you had to put the punctuation in."
(The landing was rubbish.)

How about catching up with a 737 in a Tb-20. Couple of moons ago in Malaga.

I was in the jumpseat when this exchange happened, many moons ago on JP Flight to MUC.

JP was cleared to taxi to the gate and happily doing so.

ATC: JPxxx, you vere cleared for taxi, not takeoff. Slow down, now!..:ok:

Don't think anyone replied as we were too busy rolling on the floor!! :}

During my on the job training:

Me: (fresh from the simulator) Callsign, do you have the A330 now taxiing ...right in front of you in sight?
Pilot: Are you joking? Is there any way we wouldn't?
Me: Well..taxi behind. *bright red faced*

(overheard on the frequency)
ATC: Callsign(A330) hold short of the runway, light aircraft on final.
Pilot of A330: You expect a heavy to wait for the ppl?
to which the student pilot promptly replies
"A pilot is not born in the A330 sir." :D


A friend of mine, while on OJT, talking to a Swedish airline, coming direct from Sweden. (Location indicator starts with ES.. can't remember the exact airport)
Our language is Greek, but we use English at the RT.
ATC: Vacate the runway to the right, contact Ground xxx.x, Buenas Dias.
Pilot: *long pause* Erhm..To the right... buenas dias.
My friend was so proud, it took me a couple of minutes to stop laughing and explain to him that the location indicator ES was not for Espana = Spain. :p

Even before my retirement I'd lost track of the number of languages spoken at Maastricht UAC. As a matter of courtesy, (and of our linguistic superiority) airlines were greeted in their own language. This all went well - until a rather stressed out German trainee greeted an Aeroflot flight with "Gross Britannia" in stead of "Do svidanya"

Heard on a US Midwest centre frequency today:

Airliner: Centre, Delta xxx requesting FL280

Controller: Unable - traffic opposite direction F-15 FL280

Airliner: We got tone

Controller: I know who my money's on...

Going back in time (to 1971) to my first solo X Country - Middleton St. George (MME) as it was then, to Yeadon (LBA) - can even remember the aircraft - G-AXUA Beagle Pup 100.

Approaching LBA, lots of radio traffic so desperately trying to tell them I was approaching. It became clear the reason for the delay was an American voice with a call sign MATS XXX - later realised US military (saw the aircraft on the ground) presumably flying ice cream into the nearby Menwith Hill Earth Station. He'd probably flown the Atlantic and had just about enough aviating for the day.

Seems the tie up was that he was trying to negotiate a straight in, but ATC was having none of it. I managed to jump in with a call and was given #1 to land. US friend came back with another request for a straight in but he was told no, you are #2 to land, following the Beagle Pup 100.

This didn't go down well, so another call was made pleading for a straight in. Controller clearly drew himself up to his maximum height and said "MATS, negative straight in, you are #2 - unless you are declaring an emergency!"

Came back lightning fast, in a broad Texan accent "Sir, every time I fly, its an emergency...". Laughter from the Controller - straight in given and I was demoted to #2 to land.

OD

Comm failure
 

In Male international Airport, Maldives we have a lot seaplanes. They land and depart from a lagoon just next to the RWY on the eastern side. The dep/landing lanes are designated as Northbound left/right or Southbound left/right. The following is true. I was the the TWR controller.

TMF: Ready for departure NL. (North left)
Me: TMF wind xxxxx NL cleared for take off.

Few minutes after departure

TMF: TWR TMF we have a comm failure, req to land SL.

ME:!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't NL become SR ?