Should I post this or not.... Some on here may recognise me and this will make there day!!

Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"

Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....

"S1M requesting clearance for Fanos"

I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for "Fanos". Could I find it... could i heck.

Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.

Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....

"Jock where the f*ck is FANOS?"

He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim..... "sorry crew he says he cant find FANOS on the map" and they all cracked up to.

"Come on Jock where is it" I pleaded, my embarrasement by now acute.

"Its not a place you pillock" says Jock "They want clearance for "Flight Above Normal Operating Speed"

I nearly died!! :{

Flying into Galway one spring day a few years ago...

As we executed our 3rd missed approach, RVR 500M

G-XXXX - Tower, thats the 3rd missed approach and we've not seen the runway once, request divert to Shannon.

Galway Tower: (in a heavy irish accent) Sure, I don't blame you, I can't see it from here either!

I heard this one on my scanner, while waiting for a connection flight at Terceira, Azores (LPLA)

Tower: Sata 736 could you report the conditions on final, please?

Sata 736: there was light to moderate chop!

Tower: light to moderate turbulence?

Sata 736: I wouldn't call it turbulence, sir, it was more like a chop, light to moderate chop... But I rather be in Bahamas!

Tower: sorry say again?

Sata 736: I said I rather be in Bahamas...

Tower: Oh! Me too!

EIWF
 

Mostly training traffic at Waterford due to the Aero Club and Pilot Training College basing there. Yesterday was particularly busy as there was 5 items of training traffic and two GA aircraft in the EIWF CTR in bound. No radar etc etc....

(GA Inbound): Squelch p£$% F£$% B$%&£"$ - (inaudible basically)

EIWF TWR: Eh...aircraft calling, transmission unreadable. You sound like you're sucking through the end of a hosepipe.

At breakfast this morning, my 4 year old son was asking about when I start my "Air Traffic and Troll" training!

heard at CPH last night... "Read back not correct, but its a good idea, so I changed my mind.... now taxi via"

Love it ChuckT, will try it next time I get a clearance that I don't like :ok:

A friend of mine is a female airline pilot.

Someone asked her young nephew if he wanted to be a pilot when he grew up.

He said "No, that's for girls."

:O

vis3miles, that's a good one!

I know of a female first officer on a Metro who was mistaken for a flight attendant.

Actually, a little old lady complained to the company after the flight that the flight attendant on the little 19 seat Metro, had for the whole flight, stayed in the cockpit, talking to the pilot. :}

That treally happened somewhere in ME

A 300 pilot saw two dogs in the middle of runway just after lining up for take off and yelled on the radio with an American accent:

"Hey Tower, there are two f***ing dogs here in the middle of runway!"

ATCO in the tower, who is not native English speaker did not understand what the pilot exactly says and wanted to confirm:

"Sir, confirm two dogs are f***ing on the runway?":D

Fruno, I'm not kidding!

She thought it was hilarious.

(But don't tell her nephew...)

I was having breakfast in a hotel in Guernsey - spotted my FO approaching - he was intercepted by an elderly lady who asked:

"Table for two, please" :O

well it was funny at the time:uhoh:

I thought the two were mutually exclusive?

CHRIS BRAUND
 

Apropos of the two dogs engaged - there was once a man of infinite jest , who brought much lightness of heart and levity to the skies, the bars and widely scattered airfields of the Sunburnt Country. I had the honour and fortune to have known Chris Braund passingly well. There's a book, 'Laughter on the Wing' containing among it's stories several priceless Braundian broadsides, ones contributed over the years to the magazine that collated and published this rich miscellany.

Chris was in the wheelhouse of his 'Three' coming into Mascot (Sydney Kingsford Smith). It was early fifties when the 'able baker charlie dog' phonetic alphabet had just been changed to the current one. Tower told Chris to continue approach, "two dogs on the runway". Chris replied with his characteristic sharpness and stammer - "D- don't you mean two d- deltas?"

Chris enjoyed singular rapport with the blokes in Sydney Tower and could bring a smile to even the most hard bitten by- the- bookers. Broken Bay just north of Sydney was where you first called the tower inbound. At the time the brand name 'Sydney Flour' was widely popularised on the wireless with the jingle : "Sydney Flour is our flour. We use it every day. . . . . for cakes and scones that mother bakes. . . "

Chris's initial call became a 'standard' that identified him even as he drew breath, keying his mike and singing:

"S- Sydney Tower is our tower, we c- call you every day. Th- this is Echo Whisky Alpha, over B- broken Bay."

The first turbine powered aircraft to enter airline service in Australia was the Vickers Viscount. One morning Chris was outside the terminal, sitting up in the old 'Three', waiting for off, when the newly introduced Viscount, taxying out for departure, called to say they had to come back in.

Tower asks: "Are your ops normal?" Viscount says: "Sure. Hostie's just told us something's on the blink in the toilet. Nothing critical."

"Wh-what's that?", comes over the wireless, "th-thought you'd got rid of your p-pis-tons."

(Send a PM if you want a copy of 'Laughter on the Wing'. S-send in the c-clowns if you want your mind taken off p-pomposity and p-political incorrectness.)

Heard on R/T when i was a trainee, about to take a hand over.

Shorts 360 on final (nice sounding, female pilot):ok: , Sikorsky S-61 turns downwind circuit training.

ATC (to S-61)
"XXXX, you're number 2, follow the Shorts 360 on final."

S-61 pilot (quick as you like)
"Roger, after the lady drops her shorts i'll slot in behind her with my big chopper!":E

OCH-BLOODY-AI. . .
 

. . . . hoots ADCAPP, but ye're a quair uncouth lot up there roond the brakes and the bens.

Stand by for the three-holer freighter from the Great South Land on it's way to Prestwick (and you'd be havin' a pun with that too I'd wager.) When the doors open, make your way to the ventral entry, avoid raising your kilt at all costs, and when the loadmaster says to y' "Open your wallet y' spalpeen , and say after me, "HELP YOURSELF", do not argue the point

Aye!, it's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht th'nicht!

Jokova where's yer troosers!:ok:


A student on our approach procedural course tried this on the simulator at ATC college.

Student
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--

Student (somewhat nervously)
"G-XXXX, Approach?"
--no response--

Instructor to student
"I'll give you a clue.....do you think his radio might have failed?"

Student (intends to apply the speechless procedure)
"G-XXXX, Approach, if you are receiving this transmisson click once for YES. If you ARE NOT receiving this transmission, click twice for NO"

Sim Pilot
"(click) (click)"

The instructor almost folded in half. It then took both the Student and Sim Pilot another minute to realise what had just happened, just enough time for the instructor to wipe the tears away!

D'oh!:\

A DOLLAR WOULD BE NICE. . .
 

. . . . for every time taxying out with half a dozen captive sightseers, looking wide- eyed and expectant after they've clamped their headsets on and
driver- airframe says softly looking each in turn right in the eye, "Just testing. These Dick Smith headsets have been playing up a bit today - would you shake your head if you can't hear me at all?"

The only time this routine backfires is when some Edward de Bono taps you on the shoulder and throws some aviation related mind-stretching conundrum or riddle straight back.

STCA, Bill Gates style!

http://home.online.no/~anderfo/Div/57345.gif

Keep the jokes coming!!!
yours Bored at
ATC Basrah

during LVP ops at FAJS the RVR readers failed which in essence closed the airport. when we started getting flights out again we realised that a lot of crews had duty time constarints so the GMC controller went to each crew to ask how much duty time thay had so we could try help. The one SAA crew response was

"No ma'am we fine as long as you can get us back in time for the Rugby this Afternoon"

Really shows where our passion lies but never the less got a smile from an otherwise unhappy GMC Controller

My nine year old son recently announced his career choice: he wants to fly A380s for Air France:

'Dad, I'll earn lots of money, live in Paris, work half as many hours as you and most of the time it will fly itself.'

Have to say I was quite proud.

M609

THAT is one of the funniest things I have ever seen!!!! Thank you :ok:

many years ago... it's very quiet. A controller gets an initial call on UHF from a Nimrod requesting radar service...

but before he can answer gets another call from the same callsign, different voice, on VHF asking the same thing...

brilliant quick thinking, controller turns off VHF and gives a turn for ident to the left. The quickly switches UHF off and VHF on, and gives an ident turn to the right!!!

Radar return seen to fly straight ahead for 4-5 miles then third voice comes over the air... "Nice one, you got us there!"

Was getting to dusk an I was listening in to local freq. Heard the following exchange between instructor in flight and AFIS.
FIS: "G-**** do you require runway lights for your approach?"
Instr: "Ahh.. negative, we'll be ok G-****"
FIS: "Oh good, cos we dont have 'em on that runway!"
lol
JW

A few days back heard the strangest question for our Rugby Mad Nation

UAE*** inbound gets taken off the arrival for shorter routing.

After turning on to the heading replies

"Radar UAE*** got time for a quick question?"

ATC and Exec preper to use vast aviation knowledge and say go ahead

Uae reply "Is Jake White still the coach"

Total confusion between the 2 of us behind the radar then realise that the press had rumoured that if Our Boks didn't win on Sat Our national Coach was supposed to quit. Luckly our team won.

Well was very funy for us

Heard at Southend Air Show, couple of years ago:-

Pleasure flight helicopter pilot to passing Chinook from the display

"Give us a lift"

"Inside or outside?"

Fast Jet Humour
 

Told by an ex RAF Colleage;
Female Fast Jet pilot on long finals following flap motor problems and worried about stopping.
'**** Tower, ****23 My flaps are a bit sticky. Will have to use the RHAG.
Laugh, I nearly sh@t

For info RHAG is Hook arrestor Gear

At Moorabbin a student was conducting Xwind circuits on a grass strip- ATC forgot about her.
"Tower ABC ready and waiting on the grass"
Unknown voice:
"Great is your gear down and locked"

Another female student pilot on solo navex from Moorabbin.
"Request airways clearance and request to be routed via Wangaratta"
Unknown:
"Madam you may be routed anywhere in Australia"

45 pages....
 

Well... i might be considered crayz, but I just read all 45 pages... took me about 7 hours. I almost forgot to have a smoking break! Hilarious stuff guys. Keep them coming!

Take care!

Chris

Me, Two days ago after a long day. It's good to laugh at yourself.
Me: Prestwick Tower G**** is left base RW31
Twr: Roger G** cleared final RW31 No.1 Qnh 1031
Me: Roger cleared final no1 RW 10, RW 31, stand by.
pause to collect thoughts,
Me: Cleared final 13 number eh, stand by.
Me: Cleared 10 er G** has lost powers of speech.
Twr: I knew what you meant.
:O

Just 30 mins ago.
ASU: Approaching A-2 for the Runway Inspection
TWR: Enter 27 from A-2 ASU.
ASU: Tower, ASU just holding off the Runway inspection, just chasing off a cat from A-2.
TWR: Roger ASU you are still cleared to enter 27, report when entering.
ASU:Report when entering 27.
TWR: ASU stop chasing the Pussy!! :E (from 2nd controller in tower at the time who could not resist it.)
A few wide grins aboutthe place in sure:ok:

I always had trouble finding good aviation R/T humor on the net... this threat solved my problem!

As a pilot myself, I have heard of or encounter a few of those amusing moments, and please allow me to shear it with you all.

First two is actually the same controller from Jax Approach, and it happened within 10 minutes while I was flying a 172 from Jacksonville, Florida to Macon, Georgia.

First one:
Comair 123, "Comair 123 checking in FL 250, we have whiskey, looking for a visual runway 7."
Approach, "I wish I have that..."

Second one:
Mooney, "Jax Approach, Mooney...(garbled)...... requesting...(garbled)......"
Approach, "Last aircraft calling, say again callsign. Your transmission is garbled and unreadable."
Mooney(seem frustrated, thus in a louder voice), "Jax Approach, Mooney 12....(garbled).................."
Approach, "Last aircraft calling, speaking louder doesn't make it clearer."

Finally, this is a legend at my flight school, which supposedly happened a few years before I enrolled.

Female Student Pilot, "Craig Ground, Skyhawk 54321 with information charlie, VFR southbound, ready for taxi."
Ground, "Skyhawk 54321, give way to the fokker ahead, taxi to runway 23."
Student, "er... okay... I will taxi to runway 23, give head to the fokker away......"


-Lok

This happened last week at Bournemouth

Tower: Coastguard, are you able to use the Southern Taxiway to complete your manoeuvres.
Coastguard: Uh...I'l do what ever you want me to.
Tower: If it's good for you then it's good for me.
Coastguard: I can't believe you just said that.
Tower: I know...I feel a 'lil bit dirty myself.

This happened this evening. If you've ever wondered what we're up to when we say 'sorry I was on the landline', then this is for you.

*ring*

Me: "Humberside radar"

Manch: "Manchester East co-ordinator, level please, KLM XXXX"

Me: "Hmm *rummage*... I don't have a strip for a KLM XXXX"

Manch: "Huh?... Oh god, it's going to Teesside you pillock!"

Me: "Heheh. Yes, entirely my fault for not being Teesside."

Manch: "Sorry, not you, I was talking to this idiot beside me."



The poor chap was still getting abuse for it when they called for a level on the next inbound. :)

A real running rabbit
 

The last Boeing for the night landed at ENEV. On their way to gate 30, the pilot said:

CNOXXXX:"Ehhh...can you see the running rabbit in front of us?"

I was confused, but i saw a small shaddow running like h... in front of the plane, and I said:

TWR:"CNOXXXX yes i do, ehh...the rabbit is on its way to gate 28, no conflict"

CNOXXX:"Ah, thank you, have a good evening"
:cool:

This must have been a Rabbit Exit Taxiway.

Did the crew file a "Hareprox"?

Not much point filing a hareprox - hare today gone tomorrow